on attending vurch

So a few minutes ago
I attended Virtual Church for the first time
(couldn't be bothered last week)
at some random Irish Cathedral

It was quite odd, I have to admit
silent and without even a homily
and lying in bed in pyjamas
was probably not the best choice either

However, I better get used to it
and work out my good practices soon
because this shall last...

(I can hear that Cs. at her room
could find a mass with singing :-))

At 9 we'll have breakfast/coffee together
with a bunch of friends
on Zoom.
I better go and get ready.

on an unusual birthday

I've been meaning to write here for ages
but apparently it comes easier
when I am poorly
than when I am fine
and the latter was the case
for the last week or so.
Signs of my improving mental health included
not having to listen to something every minute of the day,
being more mind- and thoughtful about
other people's struggle,
putting on my red-flowery T-shirt
for the first time since July,
and generally not getting caught up
in the webs of self-loathing and shame.

I guess it lasted till today.
And now I remember the good M. V.
who at a conference on homelessness
told us that we should not be too regretful
if after three months our client gets back to the street
but rejoice that he could have three nice months off it.

So today I remembered the only reliable greeting-card senders in my life:
the parents and grandmother of Á.
No card this year, obviously
but they've sent a text later in the evening
which compels me to edit this part
(nevertheless, thinking of them was painful).

Meanwhile, the day was dragging on a bit disappointingly:
a few messages from friends
in fact, some totally unexpectedly
and lots of silence from others.
I know the world's on the verge of collapsing
and so I really shouldn't have expectations
yet
apparently I still have them.

My brother's family saved the day though
with a lovely lemon cake made by my nieces
and a bag of food ("quarantine-present")
and some general merriment and lap-sitting and the rest.

Later I even went shopping (gasp!)
bought Dutch flower seeds
(then read at home that they're supposed to be sown in June...),
unicorn magic marshmallows :-),
a pink candle
and two big-flat-wheelie boxes
underneath my bed.

Trouble is "only" that I still don't feel like tidying.

But A. called a few minutes ago
how very kind of him;
and we even had a Skype conversation with G.
where I've got to see my future goddaughter live.

Seriously, I have no reason to be disappointed.
This turned out to be a quiet but good birthday.

on being a splendid fool

This is the time and place to volunteer!

eight plus one resolutions for these extraordinary times

1. I shall air through my flat three times a day, and walk outside twice for 15 minutes (in direct sunlight, if possible).

2. I shall get up by 8am, and go to sleep by 11pm.

3. I shall switch off every screen between 9pm and 9am.

4. I shall call at least two people a day, maybe a friend and a relative. I shall do my best to listen to them more than I speak.

5. I shall tell my phone number to the old ladies in my house, and offer to help in whatever they may need it. I should have done this upon moving in but better now than never.

6. I shall stay properly hydrated, and I shall pay attention to what and more importantly to how much I eat. Boredom-induced eating is never a good idea but even less so now when I need less calories.

7. From Monday to Saturday I shall work, volunteer, move and learn a bit every day. I shall try to tend to some neglected areas of my flat, too.

8. I shall pray, sing and give thanks and every day, as well as read, listen to or watch something uplifting, and something funny.

+1. I shall be extra thoughtful and patient with anyone under high pressure: people working in public service and healthcare, parents of small children, the elderly.

on shame

​I wonder what exactly took me this long in it
but here it is now:
I identified my single most depressing feeling
as shame.

An overwhelming, burning sense of shame
that I’ve been rejected for another
used, bored of and thrown away
(flushed down the toilet as it sometimes feels)
that I have not been and am not
living up to
whatever I ought to
that I am incapable of any proper employment
that I seemingly have nothing to offer the world
that I cry on more days than I am not
that I am empty
lacking any substance or essence

but I better stop here

(Now I wonder if identifying would change anything.
I'd be surprised if it did, though.)

on getting fat

No one takes me seriously in this matter (either, to be honest)
as if it were a sign of normalization
but of course gaining weight does not end where I used to be
and I was also a lot happier shape-wise last summer than before that
right now I am unable to button up my size 38 pair of jeans (not even standing)
from my bulging belly
and keep shoveling food in myself whenever I can
and can't make myself run
anyway, I'll tell the psychiatrist tomorrow
and ask her either for another medicine
or to stop entirely
though that may prove too early
but how am I supposed to know if I can live on without it?
Anyway, at least Mum will surely
give me a nice talking-to (?)
she is always dissatisfied with me.

on a dream

I dreamed about L. tonight
it was way too realistic
apart from some details
(but those I only noted after waking)
the kind of dream that feels real
up to my skin and flesh
shows my unfulfilled longings nicely
is there really no way to stay inside...?

on recent joys

We played Pandemic Thursday night
(till 1am or so)
with B. and N.
it was great fun
(though I am still a bit intolerant
towards meaningless vulgarity)

Tonight I watched an award ceremony
at the theatre
with two percussion bands
it was amazing

Also, I like this app very much

a prayer from long ago

Uram, valamit kezdj el már velem,
mert látod, hogy nem megy semmi.

Pedig még tudnék lelkesedni,
még nem múlt el az első szerelem,
ha be is temetem,
vagy betemeti más:
a munka vagy a fáradt,
sűrű megszokás.

Már nem is tudom,
hogyan is kellene,
hogy szolgád derűs szelleme
tartson még bennem,
és tudjak valami
küldetést látni
ebben a robotban,
ami még lelkesít --
ha már az emberek
nem is igénylik
azt, amit teszek --

vagy Te igényled bennünk azt, Uram,
és mégse minden céltalan?

on living in a nightmare

I think I'm fighting pretty hard
but no matter what
I just can't seem to find my way
back into my life

Every positive change
feels totally superficial
almost illusory
whereas the the pain and hopelessness
eat me away on a much deeper level

Yesterday (after hearing about (over)protective mothers
from more than one person last week)
I told the group that
no one ever had any fear for me

on food & family

I think I have always been fairly aware
of food wasting
and always tried to cut back on it
but my recent money-consciousness made a real difference
at the greengrocery I start at the half-price section
(which also means that I have to eat or prepare the stuff ASAP
but at least time is not a problem these days)
and the other day I turned the sour milk into cheese
which is pretty nice
(milk doesn't really go off by me nowadays
– I drink a lot –
but it feels like a new skill)

Today I talked about my family on therapy
nothing groundbreaking (unsurprisingly)
but it felt good to let the others know me a bit more
and I also became really grateful for my parents
after hearing the stories of the others.

on appearances

I've got an e-mail the other day from J.
starting with
"I'm glad things start to work out around you at last"
I wonder what could I have written that made it look like that...

If I think of Á, I still feel something pretty close to physical pain
I'm not sure if there was a full week since August
when I wouldn't have cried
(or indeed three consecutive days in recent months)

On other matters: I've long since
been considered a presents-person
which may be true to some extent
(I like both getting and giving
thoughtful presents
preferably nicely presented)
but
recently I found that what actually
determines my feelings towards someone
is their willingness to spend time with me.

I am climbing out of my latest rut, it seems
(no expectations, no naivite this time)

I went to Faith & Light meeting today
so many lovely people
J. thanked me saying that "she can count on me"
which was quite surprising
but nice

Oh, and I also managed to piece together
the armchair from my brother's attic
it took way more than it should have
(incl. two(!) visits to the screw shop)
it's nice and comfortable, and finally ready, of course
it's just that I did have some other plans for this morning, too
and was frustrated by my inability to do it more efficiently
(I will probably never become a DIY diva
try as I may)

And M. called the other day
and we decided that if I don't get to Bp. sooner
than he'll travel to me to toast our birthdays
(his is on the 29th)
it's nice to meet him for the third time in half a year
after about ten years with a, say, twice-in-three-years average

on recent times

The party a week ago was great
not too long but pretty intense
P. could have made me a bit happier
by tailoring the texts to the occasion
but then again, with all the toddlers around,
it's more than understandable that he did not
venture into anything fancy.
Milk rice was a great idea of F.
and most of the pumpkin soup was gone by the end, too.

Since then not much happened
I've got paid after the first two weeks of the electrode-painting
I've been to M. to soak a bit more in the lovely hot water
Dad sent me a heap of money unexpectedly
I've spent another good evening with B. at Jazz
had a long (3 hour-ish) walk with Sz.
bought a pair of running-proof earbuds

And yesterday I released this idea
into the virtual wilderness
so far the experiment is kind of successful
(though the first naysayers also showed up)

on feeling torpid

I called together a house-blessing (?) liturgy and party for tonight
spent most of yesterday with the preparations
there will be a full house, even to overflow
and this morning I had to admit to myself that
even party preparation is a lot more fun
and a lot less stress
if one isn’t alone in it
there is a lot more to do
I will be exhausted by the start of it
(and I better not think of the washing up yet
that will take up most of Friday morning)

I also regret all the nervousness
I ever felt and showed towards Á.
in similar circumstances

Why do I inevitably come to a point
to resent all my endeavors
every time I set out for something
just a bit beyond my comfort zone?

on today

It feels as though my soul has died in me
and whether my body follows
is not even very important any longer
(in reality it is, of course,
because of the finality factor)

Today we made lists on therapy
on the good and bad things we've got from our parents
with the aim of helping in our romantic relationships
only one girl got to talk
but it was quite interesting
I wonder what will be in it for me

I spent the rest of the day painting electrodes
a surprisingly rewarding activity
(not just paywise: it feels good
to have something come out of my hand
and watch the finished stuff
take up more and more space on the shelves)

And then we went to Makó
for bathing in the ever-hot waters
with F. and Zs.
in their new car.
Even their life is moving.

on (the lack of) willpower

Last evening I was in utter despair
again
not sure how it started
but I wound myself up to suicidal thoughts pretty quickly
spent the mass crying
and then a bit on the way home
soaking in self-pity
(you, my lord, if you have no servant...)
then read the email of Sr. A.
telling me straight that the idea of my uselessness is a temptation
Satan's trying to grab hold of me
(I thought about replying to her that
he has indeed succeeded in this attempt...)
and that sobered me up
along with my period... which also meant that it was
a particularly bad case of PMS
confirming my previous experience
on how vast amounts of sugar
wreak havoc in my hormonal system
and yet (and here I finally come to the title)
since January I am unable to exercise any constraint
it feels as though moving home has depleted all my reserves of willpower.
And also, becoming fat is something
for which I can loathe myself even more.

on a new source of joy

Cooking makes me happy.
The pleasure is immeasure
ably greater if there are
other people around to share it
(like A. and N. today for my
"cheap and cheerful" chicken risotto)
but the making, the creating part
is in fact much the same
even if it's just me.
It may be time to start
inviting people over for dinner
something I so wanted to do
probably since high school.

on the shrinking comfort zone

There is a new greengrocer(y?) just around the corner
I’ve been planning to go for some time now
and yet today I had to make a conscious effort
not to walk past it
to the usual one, even if it’s quite a bit farther.
It’s a bit scary
to watch myself losing ground so much.

Then I went into some cleaning spree at home
hoovered the inside of the convectors
and the pantry window
(which is in a horrible condition
but I better don’t go into much thinking about that)

I also had a go with my childhood-favorite dessert
bundás alma
it turned out nowhere near my grandmother’s, naturally
but still pretty tasty
(and I’ve got some insight for the next try)

on cluelessness

Today's therapy session was about
our well-made decisions from the past.
I talked about how I got to apply
for Hungarian major
(as well as the previously agreed-on German)
and also a bit about how clueless I was
at the university.
I was told how much I improved
because, see, apparently now
I am able to view
any situation from any angle,
to analyze it, and
generally how sharp I am.
I may have had to tell them how
utterly clue- and hopeless I am
on the jobmarket-battlefield...
but I didn't.
I'm getting better at faking, it seems.

on energy levels

I'm pretty low on energy these days
not really surprisingly
(but somehow I've only noticed it recently)
I crave carbohydrates
(a side-effect to my medicine, too
but I seem to be able to differentiate between cravings by now
and it feels a bit differently--
or maybe I just make that up for a handy excuse ("I need this")
which nevertheless is not true
for I do get fatter and fatter)
and also can't imagine a day without
lying in the tub
so far so
that if I know it'll be late by the time I get home
I lie in it any time during the day
without hesitation

I guess I'm at least as much affected
by the weather
and the general end-of-winter state of things
than by something depression-like
but it's still far from pleasant

(I actually have 6 tickets
to the beautiful Hagymatikum
where the water doesn't get cold and
I have all the time in the world
what I lack is only
money for the bus)

on saying yes

There was that principle I came across with
a while ago
on a possible way to more joyful parenting:
“I say yes
unless there is a compelling reason
to say no.”
It's quite amazing how slowly I learn
but today it just dawned on me
that I want to live my own life
this way.

It probably came
from a place of utter sillyness
which nevertheless felt fabulous
and even earned me the compliment of
“why u so fun? stop it!”
(and then of course
from what I learned today
the hard way).

on not daring greatly

I watched Brené Brown on Netflix
just yesterday
and yet when the time came today
to put her ideas into practice
I did not

And now the moment has passed
and even if it wasn’t anything
big or important
I feel like I’ve let myself down
and missed a chance

Breathe in
breathe out
let it be

on snakes and ladders

It feels as if I slid back about fifteen years
single and clueless about work (back then: study)
but unfortunately without the youthful vigour
to do foolish but fun things
or the endless possibilities
that laid ahead of me back then

It feels like losing my grip on life
whatever that may be
(the Buddhists would probably tell me
to go on this way
but to me) it feels
quite simply
like
losing

on being rejected again

Based on my test results
I was not hired by the translation agency.*
I am not happy.
And yet, it kind of directs me back
towards my original plan
I should just somehow survive until then
and that does not look quite so trivial a task
at this moment

-----
* And that brings us to a total of
3 job rejections +
1 finalised divorce paper
this week.

on unrequited love

Oddly enough, admittedly
on some level
I still miss L.
(Written on 4th Feb, the rest of this post has been edited out, sorry. :-))
And then today I ran into this article (scroll to the bottom for video format)
and it made me so happy.

It is just the mind, a very complicated machine,
constrained by the narrowness of existence,
turning its wheels,
tantalised by a vision of happiness
and sensing,
quite rightly and quite hopelessly,
that there could have been so much more to life
than there ever will be.

on a night out

Last night I went to Jazz with B.
drank way too much wine
and had a great time with
laughter and transparency and
sharing and zen and work and
adulthood and
man- and womanhood and
horrible dizziness towards the end :-)

I basically collapsed into bed back home
and now I am quite surprised
not to have a hangover at all
(though I almost never have—
why then am I always this surprised?)

on a job interview

...that I actually enjoyed!
(I wonder if the tranquilizer has helped in that...)

The talking part was o.k.
quite generic questions, nothing very unexpected
and then there was a test
consisting of three parts:

• correcting a Hungarian text;
• writing recommendations and requesting correction from the translator of another (here I had both the English source and the Hungarian translation);
• and finally checking a translation from English to Norwegian :-) (that meant proper nouns, numbers, punctuation, formatting mostly).

Looking forward to hearing of them 

though it won’t be till the end of February

because there are lots of people still to be interviewed 

(fortunately not only for this placement).

(Meanwhile I’ve also got an unsurprising rejection 

from the school library on the corner.)

on mental health

Later I watched this TED playlist
noted once again that I am not depressed
(whether or not there’s a “yet” remains to be seen)
and even cried a bit over some talks

I also admitted to myself once again
that neither medication nor therapy will heal me
it’ll either be that I find some purpose to my life
or it won’t happen

But that’s still way beyond my capacity
at present it’s still the question of  “to think or not to think”
because if I do think
then there is only despair

on Wanderlust

I am watching this film right now
five minutes into it I was like
“What the hell am I still doing here...?!”
it felt good for a while
as if it could happen
but after that it’s just frustrating
the gap between my dreams and my reality
has never been wider

on Providence

Last night on my walk home
I was lamenting my dire financial state
when suddenly I came to a halt
by a box of long French bread loafs on the pavement.
At first I walked on
with the instinctive ”there are people needing this more than me”
but a few seconds later I turned back
and took one of the twenty-ish pieces
fully convinced that it was indeed there for me.

on memories & medicine

I've read this article today
it resonates with me somehow

Then I donated blood
and had this piece of conversation
with the doctor (and myself):
She: - Any medication you take on a regular basis?
Me: - Yarocen.
She, nodding absent-mindedly: - Contraceptive.
Me, inside: - ??? Should I tell her it's an antidepressant?

In the end I didn't. It wasn't on the list,
the previous doctor was fine with it,
and it just felt better to be thought of.
(Added ironies to the situation:
1) being single
2) being a Catholic
3) having a father with a history of DVT.)

on trust vs. compassion

Today I learned about myself
that while it must be a good thing that everyone around me
is 100% convinced of my full recovery
I actually wish for compassion more than trust

and what brought it forth:
I've got to speak on therapy today
even if only for the last twenty minutes or so
with my card chosen three weeks ago
for the question of
"what's your most pressing problem now"
it said EXHAUSTION
I spoke about my emotional state
pretty much everything that came up here recently, too
and the psychologist woman replied along the lines of
"you are so much stronger than you think now"
while the guy turned to me and said something like
"I don't think so"
and that he rather thinks I show a good face but the trouble is much bigger
and then I felt understood, even loved
up to being worth the worry

It's a bit as if the trusting ones stood on the edge of my game field
watching me
quite possibly with a wider angle of view
but from afar

on talents and superpowers

Today I realised that there is one thing
at which I am better than many people I know:
making decisions quickly.
I can't remember any big question
over which I would have ruminated much
or indeed that I would have regretted afterwards.

What makes it even more interesting is that
I never thought of myself as an intuitive person
I mean, I spend more time with the captions than with the paintings in any museum, seriously?!

I also thought for a moment about
what my mum apparently told my brother:
that I were great with languages.
Too bad I am not even motivated for that.

Oh, yes. My job interview will be rescheduled from tomorrow
but I was only told this much after I signalled my willingness to show up tomorrow
(I've got this date exactly 3 weeks ago
so it seemed a good idea to register my interest once again)
it's kind of strange

And still no word from the school
(not that I'd have had high hopes)

on the need to keep breathing

I certainly didn’t see this coming:
a call from the state adoption agency
asking how we’ve(!) been doing
because there would’ve been a child...
To my utter surprise, there was also a
”so you don’t want to do this on your own”
to which I could only answer
”not in a few years, no, I can’t expose a child to this”
—I wonder now what would’ve happened if I’d said yes
but no, there is no legally or morally acceptable way

It must have been an administrative mishap
because it was the same lady who replied to me so kindly
back in November.

...Breathe in... breathe out...

on baby steps

Today I put away my clothes from the dryer rack
(instead of just using them as I go)
washed my bed linen (yeah, well, I needed the rack, o.k.)
baked a fish for lunch
swept the kitchen, the entry and the bathroom
and even sent out a few emails in the hope of new jobs.

Now I am tired and a bit disappointed with myself.
This is not the way to total destruction!

on money

As usually, I'm so much behind the facts in my understanding
nevertheless, I did come to realise this a few weeks ago or so:
I will probably never be quite as well off again
as I used to be pretty much in my entire life this far.
I can't really remember any time when money would have been tight (or even just much of an issue)
which is so much to be grateful for
and so much to grieve, too...

Now I have this alms from Á.
which is enough to keep the heating running
(and that only because he didn't stop it when I asked him)
but that's about it
and even if I do get a job eventually
I will never be paid enough to support the lifestyle I used to have
with the burden of trying to provide for a pension
--the previous savings stayed with Á., obviously, and there are no kids on the horizon to help out in my old ages.

I should probably make peace with the bleak prospects
and at the same time start appreciating my abundant past
that gave me so much to be grateful for.

on today's discovery

Today I visited P. in M.
cried a lot
(fortunately that's fine with him)
and eventually fought my way
all the way back
to the first relevant thing
said to me during therapy
(and yes, that means September)
because everything goes back to this
up to my latest "resolve"
to die or at least cripple to this
--because that's behind my "what's the point?!"
as I figured out a few weeks ago--

so
wherever I try to twist it
the end of it is always the same:
I can't
and don't even want to
forgive myself.

on (not) complaining

Complaining doesn't help
but not complaining sometimes does, a bit
I should try and hold my tongue
on the next therapy session, too
although I really did get frustrated
by the happenings of the last time

So strange to have
almost no human contact
for half days at a time

Today I felt like saying farewell to people
as if I really would die
but no, the flesh won't die
and the spirit already has, pretty much
so it's kind of pointless.

on today

Last night I spent at my brother's
supervising the kids
(it's less and less of a drudgery as time goes by)
I watched Friends late into the night
and slept in today
later I went to see "aunt" P. at the care home
she was completely clear-headed and even in a pretty good shape physically

At home I didn't do anything
apart from having  lunch and baking oat cookies
oh no, I also put my name on the post box
and saved the scanned ownership-certificate of the flat

and of course watched a whole lot of Friends (S08)

Now I am at the first practice of the gospel choir
but we are only 5 plus the conductress

It's been a good day.

(I keep thinking of asking a bunch of my friends
to join me in putting together a
"Reasons to Stay Alive" list...
I'll see what becomes of it.)

on exhaustion

It seems that I've exhausted my friends' supportivity resources
in my heart of hearts I can sympathise with them
I too would find it impossible to be there for me always

But there are new ones stepping in
today I had lunch with A.
and he's just as wise and caring as ever
how nice it would be to meet more

My own exhaustion today
(the point from which I started writing this)
is from the therapy session:
the girl right on my right in the circle
finally told us about her most recent struggle
namely that she's been cheating on her husband for the last year or so
and she hates and hurts herself for doing it
but doesn't want to hurt her husband
and although she tried, she couldn't end the affair either
whilst the other guy has a live-in girlfriend, too
and isn't exactly acting as if he'd leave her soon
very complicated and troublesome

And she actually started with
"I find it hard to tell because you are here"
so I was more or less forced
to give her permission to share
and my opinion was expected
so I had to grow up to the task
(or is it "rise to tge occcasion" in English?)
on the spot
which I eventually
(and with the help of God)
managed

I told her that I think she'll have to take responsibility
and that her husband wouldn't necessarily leave her
if she is committed to the marriage
and that it isn't unforgivable
as long as she takes steps and is ready to forgive herself, too

In the end I gave her the piece of paper
that I've been carrying around in my pocket
since December
on one side with Rom 8,1
on the other with Is 43,19
(she told us that she used to be a practicing Catholic
and hasn't been to church since this has started).
And she asked whether she can hug me
(which I also wanted to ask for)
and so we did.

Last but not least
last night we celebrated H.'s 40th birthday
with a scavenger hunt type game in the city in the afternoon
and cake etc. at home in the evening
and it was very nice
lots of friends, children, general merriment
loneliness and isolation only got me once
and at the end I handed over to him my
"this I like in you" letter*
which he read on the spot
and was touched almost to tears
which was pretty good to see
(he isn't of the emotional sort).
I was also thanked by A. for involving some faraway friends.

Someone said grief is
love that has no outlet

* I have a resolution to write these for the round birthdays of my friends—I don't always remember but now I did.

on people

This morning T. called me
saying he has about two more hours in Szeged
how about meeting
and it was nice
and I'm very glad he thought of me
(we aren't close friends).

And then in the afternoon Sz.
and I am ashamed to even write this but
her friendship is a burden
we just don't click
and she just doesn't notice
I'm afraid she's too lonely for even that
I never call her
and am always reluctant to meet
but obviously don't want to be a total jerk

And today I realised what it really is that I stand so badly:
it's the fact that her life is absolutely not moving forward
she's stuck in a rut
stagnant
stale
and on some semi-conscious level
I am terrified of becoming like her.

Would people feel similarly in my company?
I hope those that are moving are more immune to this.

And I've got a book from Cs., thank you! :-)
I've had to circumvent Amazon
because of the usual ”not available in your country” thing
but I managed it in a few hours
through exchanging the gift for a voucher
and buying the book for that.

on internet advice

According to The Internets
divorce is the. best. thing. that can happen to any married woman.
I've spent the last hour or so looking up "divorce recovery" on Pinterest
– maybe it was the wrong search term, come to think of it –
and pretty much every single article started with two sentences on
how you may feel crap now
BUT fear not, it will change, and very soon you'll be
soo much happier than you've ever been or thought to become (as a wife or not).

I want to hit anybody coming to me with these.

And I am already afraid of the next therapy session
because I'll almost certainly get to speak now
and I have nothing new to tell
no horrible childhood events or similar secrets
or even recent changes
and all I have said by now
they are already bored with (rightly, if I am honest).

on my take on life

My point of view is shifting
and not in the right direction
"if you compare yourself to others
you may become bitter or vain
for there will always be
greater and lesser persons
than yourself"
Obviously, my trap is the bitterness
I feel as though everyone around me
were moving forward
closer to their goals and ambitions
hopes and dreams
while I am here not just in one place or even moving backwards
but actually without any of these.
Really, I'm just keeping up appearances
(all the while priding myself in being
an honest and transparent person!)
mostly for my own sake, fortunately
but still without any content
I am empty
and the bottom lacking it doesn't look as if I could fill up in the foreseeable future, either

I wonder what depression may feel like
if there are stages to it where this may be the entry level
or maybe it's still just the outside hall
where I am pacing round and round
waiting for some other door to open
or at least to appear on another wall.

on these days

Yesterday I found a test on my "divorce recovery" level
and, perhaps not surprisingly, I fared badly
among the lowest 15% in avarege
and I know I shouldn't be discouraged
("it will be better" and all the rest)
but I am.

In the evening I attended the closing gathering
of the week of guided prayer
and was probably the only person
of the 25-30 there who didn't share
anything remotely consolation-like.

Today, however, I'll meet
the people of Faith & Light
and I've been looking forward to it
for a few days now
so that's good.

on a strange dream

I was on Vesper at the Margit krt. (?) Franciscans
with a friend (I'm not quite sure who of a few possibilities)
and I was happily and probably loudly
singing the first line of the psalm
(for an unusual tone, from note sheet)
when in my peripheric sight there appeared
the guy sitting in front of me
turning back, right in my face
frowning very much.
It took some time to me to undestand this:
I made the unforgivable mistake
of singing at the wrong time
when only the monks were supposed to.
And there, my jaw stayed wide open
and I couldn't close it again
throughout the whole liturgy
and not even afterwards.
I didn't really feel pain only this
"flexible" but very strong resistance.
I went slowly around at the church
and felt weird
even though my jaws came a bit closer
so my mouth wasn't wide open any longer.
Also, I started wondering if this was so
even if I woke up... but was very curious how the dream unfolded
so I tried very hard not to wake up...
And then I started getting messages
with lines of foxes and wolves somehow
(I can't remember seeing letters in fact but I definitely played the text aluod in my mind)
they were from N. (in Y. still)
saying in essence that
"there, I am glad you won't show up on my doorstep unannounced"
and maybe some hint that she knew the solution
but here I couldn't ignore
my phone's beeping any longer

it turned out to be WhatsApp
which I basically keep
for keeping in touch (albeit sporadically)
with L.
and indeed it was him
answering my questions on his new apartment in B.
and asking about my travel plans.

What a strange thing
being this talkative
before 7am...!

on today

Today I cooked again
and had N. and J. over for lunch
which was pretty nice
(and so is the fact that I could freeze a bit from the leftover).

I've got a job advertisement as well,
forwarded by a friend:
the primary school on the corner
is looking for a librarian.
It was due today so I applied immediately
we'll see if it works out.

Meanwhile, the closest church
is looking for a sacrestian(?), too
but it would mean a very odd schedule
of early morning and evening hours
pretty much day by day
(and also some cleaning
that isn't really my cup of tea).

In the afternoon I started colouring my suicidal fantasies again
not a good sign, according to the books
but then I had a talk with my retreat guide
and that helped me see life in a slightly more hopeful colour
(and also got me a slightly sceptical remark from Zs. --
I probably shouldn't share this much of my spiritual endeavours).

In the evening I went to a meeting
for Saturday's Faith & Light gathering
and enjoyed the company
of a bunch of women
about 15-20(!) years my junior
and tried not to think much
about how happy and hopeful
I used to be around that age
(esp. since I really wasn't always).

on falling apart, again

Maybe it was the mailbox
or the fact that my money is running worryingly low
(without much prospect for any solution)
or I don't know
but maybe it doesn't matter anyway
maybe it's just that I had about two weeks of calm
and that, apparently, is not what I deserve
and so here I am again
alternating between wanting to knock myself out
or to kill myself.
(I shall opt for the first one
at least for the time being.)

on retreat, again

I have no idea what I have to do with God
but I definitely know that I have something to do
and so I am on a retreat (week of guided prayer) again
with the same director with whom I walked through it last year (Fr. L.)
today I told him about my recent stuff in a nutshell
and we ended up at Jacob's story
I wonder how far I'll get in prayer (if anywhere)

We also met with the protestant women's circle
I'm still not sure where that thing is heading to
but today I felt some sort of commitment towards them
to my great surprise, honestly.

the one on Jacob

”When you don’t give up, there is a blessing for you on the other side, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have a limp.

Jacob wrestles with God and comes out of the match both blessed and broken.

He has a limp that he’s going to have to live with, but the limp is a reminder of the blessing. He has a scar now, but when he sees it, he remembers the struggle and the blessing that came from it.”

(Kyle Idleman)

the one on nothing much

Apparently
med #1 (the hungry-making) along with poverty
will make a cook of me...
Today I went to the greengrocers and bought some random fruit & veg
(after trading a piece of lasagna for a bucket of french salad with B.)
and in the afternoon I cooked the first pumpkin cream soup of the season.
And it made me pretty happy.

In the evening my brother came with some more parts of the armchair
and with my nephews
who are missing me and my nightly read-alouds
and that made me pretty happy, too.

Tomorrow I'll be visiting this train model thingy with them
and send a few pictures over to S. :-)

the one on the upward spiral

I am getting better
had an Italian lesson with my brother (must. get. to. learn. the. words.)
drove home (badly but successfully) with my stuff + the best ever armchair (or at least most parts of it...)
had an unremarkable lunch with N.
bought some groceries on the way home
cooked up a lasagna from a box (expired in 2018 but without any noticeable fault)
and spread Dead Sea mud all over myself while watching Friends (S06)
(note to self: doing the whole process in the tub may have spared me some cleaning).

the one on the use of the internet and running

One of the most fun uses of the internet

is obsessing over people.

The smaller their digital footprint 

the merrier the search

:-)

Other than this, today

I handed in my first ever

international invoice

(for what may have been my first ever

no-friend-involved proofreading job!)

and G. came to visit

and we had a long and deep conversation

(as we usually do)

and I read this blog post

and found it absolutely inspiring
it so perfectly captures my own experiences with running
the I-can-do-this
as well as
the overpowering
I-can't
"run away from the relentless story of failure that kept running on replay in my head"

too bad I have no running-proof earbuds

and the application isn't compatible with my phone

and I am lazy...

And I forgot to mention meeting I. yesterday
though that was nice, too
even if I felt closer to her
on the threshold of adoption
than I did now.

the (new) one on guilt(?)

Therapy, again
there was first this very curious dance
I gave some general-ish feedback on my feelings after the last time
and got some amazingly well-disguised response from the psychologist guy
which made it clear to me that he knew perfectly well that I was talking about him
and also (made clear) what he thought
while none of us had to say anything concrete
I really enjoyed it

And then at the end there was this open-ended sentence:
"It's hard for me to admit to myself..."
and I came up with
"...that deep in my heart I know a lot of good things about myself."
Which corresponds with what I've found lately
namely that I do know many things that I could do for myself on any given day
yet I tend to just say "what's the point"
as if I really wouldn't even want to feel better
one of the women in the group once said
"I don't want to do therapy because it's good for me
and I don't give myself time for stuff that's good for me"
which I found very sad and quite disturbing at the same time
I mean, really, how can one say this (let alone think)
and then now I am pretty much at the same place
and as I started wondering why it is, that I don't want to feel better
(and indeed sometimes feel worse just because of lightening up)
the term "I don't deserve it" swam into my consciousness
to be immediately followed by "guilt".

Oh, how I hate this.

(Other than this, all's well.)

the one in which further good things happen

On Saturday I went to a party
(meaning a handful of friends, board games, very moderate drinking and not excessive junk-food eating)
I had a minor meltdown over one of the games
but other than that it was great
we laughed a lot
and generally had fun
though I had an odd, persistent stomach ache for the last couple of hours
which didn't leave me on departure either
so when at home (! - my own flat for a change) I realised
I forgot my phone behind
I became a bit worried that if I end up in ER by any chance
I'll have to get there on foot

anyway, I started looking up my inventory of herbal teas
as to their stomach-ache reductive powers
(lacking my laptop and phone, I relied on a book and the instructions on the tea sachets...)
and came up with aniseed and liquorice
(both of whose taste I heartily dislike...)
plus a hot water bottle
and the sleeping pill

and slept soundly and without any disturbance whatsoever
till ten o'clock or so.

On Sunday evening I went to visit P. finally
(after a good three months, it seems)
we had a very good, honest and at times raw conversation
after which I felt more or less like mhself again
I am utterly grateful for this
and for him in general.

And today, help from unexpected quarters:
É. from our church group
came to sleep over
I never was very close to her
up to recent times
when her depression hit her hard again
and somehow the two of us became in the group
the two sad, lonely, broken, struggling people
together.

And I swept, mopped and tidied up for her
which will in turn lift my mood, too
for days to come.

the one in which the heroine runs into an old friend

...and finds that there still are people out there
completely unaware of the changes in her life

Well, I guess I'd better get used to it
if I chose not to put up a sign on Facebook
something like
"Husband swapped me for young and pretty colleague, let me just die where I am"
if I didn't take that course
(though it wouldn't necessarily have been so bad an idea, would it?)
I may better get used to having to tell it
over and over again.

Or... just die where I am!

the one where good things happen

On the first of January, after the evening mass
an acquaintance (actually the one who lost her daughter to leukemia this autumn)
came up to me with the idea of
singing this archaic folk-prayer-chant
about Mary, mother of God
with a third woman of whom we knew she knows it
and so we did, when most people left the church
and it was pretty good.

On the way out I ran into G.
who disappeared from my life in summer
(that's his way, I got used to it by now, well, more or less)
anyway, it turned out that he had an email
being written to me
for months by now
so he sent it over this morning
and it was really kind,
mostly saying that he wasn't sure what I may be wishing for, and what I may not
and so he just never dared call.
So I told him he overthought this
and we set up a meeting for next week.

Then today I met N. finally
also after like half a year or so
(with the significant difference that she lives far away)
and she somehow got me a whole lot better than I'd have dared hope
not sure what exactly happened
but her quiet confidence that I will eventually be o.k.
somehow spoke to me
in a way that could penetrate my armor
better than any similar input in recent weeks.

the one on a new year

So
eventually this year has come to an end, too
and now I have this totally unreasonable hope again
that from now on it will be all roses
yeah
as it usually is

2020
goodness me, if I ever had thought of this year earlier
I'd have said I'll be "old as the road"
living in all-in-all satisfactory, happy marriage
having some sort of a job
or maybe at home with kids
(not because they were so young still
but because it's better for them to have their mom (=ME!) around)

and look at me
it's non of the above
and I'd better not even get started on what I am
completely inadequate
damaged good
a mess

There is something fabulously pathetic
in how Friends appeals to me
because I can soo relate
to so many things
but at least not only
as regards to my crap life
but also as to my friends
who tried to get me to the party
for quite some time last night.

the one on New Years' Eve

Eventually I've got a half-hearted invitation
(it's probably more of under-organisation than half-heartedness)
but if I think back on this year
my heart sinks
and if I think of the coming one
it sinks even farther.
So no
I really don't need happy-clappy people around me
living more or less the life they wish to
and they don't need me there either.

But
I got rid of the double bed this morning
a friend took it apart and home as long as it sells
I can so feel the Someone Else's Problem shield on it from this moment

I took the divorce paper from the post office
and had a surprisingly enjoyable lunch with N.
followed by a not too good mulled wine on Dóm Square

And then my last set plan for the day
was to kill myself off Facebook
but it cannot be
because from yesterday on (!)
there is no way to register with only a phone number
so deactivation it has to be
as appealing as deletion would be.

the one on "Friends"

My most pathetic

and at the same time 

most enjoyable

holiday night (and day) ever:

binge-watching Friends (for about 12 hours or so. So far).

And it counts as catching up on some long awaiting cult-movies! It comes up fairly often in pub quiz.

Yesterday I also got to try
the new 

proper
non-stopping IC train

that really did manage it in 2 hrs and 2 mins.

And, speaking of trying new stuff

tonight I took a whole piece of med #2

along with about 4 cl of liquor--

but nothing interesting seems to come of it. :-(

Next time I won't have an oily dinner beforehand.
(UPDATE: Apparently I needed quite a few
pills to get a noticeable kick.
Too bad, for the rest of my stock is
badly needed
for its original purpose.)

on the second day of Christmas

We arrived to Pomaz safe & sound

I didn't spend more than two hours upstairs

crying & wishing my life away

sent out a few desperate e-mails and messages

ate way too much

got some quite wonderful presents:

two mugs, a sugar bowl and a boiler pot (?) from the same set of which I already have a honey pot and a mug;

two pairs of lovely pyjamas;

a Paperblanks diary (this, as well as one set of PJs, quite accidentally)

I wonder if ever I'll feel as though my life was worth capturing

in such a beautiful journal

designed for eternity.

(Here I can wail and whatnot--this is just a line of 0s and 1s

but there...!)

Be full of Life

Life moves. It shakes.
It grows from the Holy Spirit’s desire to fill everything,
to make everything fertile,
and to become flesh in everything.

Life wants to break the hardness of stones,
to water the parched earth,
and heal the sick heart.

God wants to enter our history
as water enters a sponge.
In the hardness of the world
God goes mining one by one
the stones of our history.

With a time and patience different from ours.
God sees every answer in a woman's heart.
She says yes!
God comes into the world
in something as sudden as childbirth.

God weaves life
even through our cracks and reserves.
The God of life becomes flesh,
breaking our aridity.

In the middle of the night
the Spirit of God opens up and flows into our lives.
Inviting us, Jesuits and Friends:
to show the way to God;
to walk side by side with the poor and excluded;
to accompany by creating future and hope for young people;
to collaborate in the care of our Common Home

This is how, at Christmas,
God continues giving us a new Spirit,
removing our heart of stone,
and filling us with a new life
that beats and flows in the world
with a heart of flesh.

José de Pablo SJ

on Christmas

Yesterday in the morning
I was agonising again
then had a tea, a coffee and a lively chat
with A.
in English, as part of an exam preparation for her
and in the end I felt better

The afternoon was fun, doing all the angel-stuff
with my sister-in-law and goddaughter
we got to the nativity play just a little late
came home together
sang, prayed, opened the presents
ate
played Concept, and laughed out loud
went to the midnight mass with my nieces

and then I woke up
and couldn't fall back to sleep
and there made the mistake of taking a sleeping pill.
I then slept till about 11
ate a way too sweet "breakfast"
and fell to bed once again
only to have feverish fits of sleep
all the while thinking that I shouldn't
because I won't be able to sleep tonight.

I got up finally around 3
in a state of stupor
out of touch with everything.

To make matters worse
I am constipated
and worrying increasingly about going home tomorrow.
Not being still feels a lot more appealing
than this state of life.

on insecurity

Today I had to drive
surely less than a km one way
(and then back)
I was completely stressed out by it
nothing happened, of course
but it was a great example
of just how totally insecure I am in,
like, everything.

A few hours later I got a reply from the translation agency
telling me that after evaluating the orthography tests
they would like to call me in to an interview
whose time we can discuss in January.
It didn't stir much feeling in me
it's good to know that I still know
how to write properly (the only thing with which I ever won any competition, come to think of it)
but if it were an option, I'd skip the whole thing
(as T. did back in our university time with her exams, come to think of it)
I absolutely cannot picture myself succeeding
(in this or in anything else)
but then I still have about two weeks
pigs might fly

But at least I start having some notion on why I must have been left
really, I am not viable
how on earth do I expect to be suffered
let alone loved?!

on the same stuff

This starts to feel like virtual littering
or "emotional incontinence"
but at least here I don't bombard a concrete person
that should be a bit of a mitigation
I hope

Anyway(s)
things look bleaker than ever
I know I've said that (many times) before
but so it is
I was crying a lot today
mostly at church
(not loudly, just with that distorted face)
I actually spent something like half an hour
fully believing that if God loved me
he'd have had me killed long before
or at least have very soon
than somehow the absurdity of it dawned on me
but I am light years from really trusting Him
all I can honestly say is that I would like to want to trust
(analogue to the "Do you desire ti desire?" question)
I admire those before me
who in similar situations
bowed their heads and acknowledged
God's authority over
all
things
inculding
illness
depression
anxiety
and so on
I admire them but as it turnes out
I don't have a half of their faith
and so I collapse

 (Here I collapsed into bed last night.)

Ismét December

Birtokba venni miért kívánjam
e meddő és sötét időt? E nyirkos és
villanyfények között imbolygó délutánban
kinek érzékei ne sejtenék meg az év
legmélyebb pontját – a várakozás idejét,
az átmenetét? A közt vagy átjárót két ismeretlen
tér közt… A vonulást a kiszáradt medren át.
Az üzletek fölött, fenyőgallyak közé fűzötten
mezítelen villanyégők világolnak a ködben,
melynek sem centrumát, sem szilárd
partját nem érezni. Érzékeim is alacsony lángra csavartan
égnek. Miért akarjam
lángba borítani e homályos téli órát,
az alkonyét? E szétfolyó időt, amely sem
vágyát a szívnek, sem örömét az elmének, sem elragadtatását
a léleknek nem ismeri? Szélbe vetetten
az ellenállás nélküli közegben
elúsznak tetteim. A hídon, a fekete víz felett,
ritkítva a ködöt, a sárga kandeláberek
lobbantják föl a szél testét. Ki mint folyóba fog
lépni a mi időnkbe, majd a sötéten
áradó, vízszagú szélben
érez először önmagára. Most
nincs tárgya még a vágynak. Várakozz…

(Rakovszky Zsuzsa)

on sadness, for a change

Anything I do
is just an attempt at escaping
the pain that's eating me away.
I guess I should give in to it
whatever that may mean
resistance is futile, that's clear enough by now
maybe acceptance would do the trick
although at present I can only imagine it
as death.

on the afternoon & evening

After the church cleaning
I had a coffee with A.
at which I forgot to ask her something important
but I only came to realise it afterwards
otherwise it was great
I am so grateful for her
(and we actually sat outside
the weather's crazy!)

Then I walked home
bought a (charitable) used book on the way at the library
on botanical gardens in Hungary
would be nice to start ticking off the ones I've been to
they invariably make me happy
(do I want to be happy?)

I found the plant stand
which I had to leave in the cellar two days ago
not having my keys on myself
and I even screwed it up together
(with lots of useless work on the way, of course)
and it's quite pretty

And then I went to help Sz. with the moving
and by the time I got there, I felt exhausted
just wishing to lay down to sleep and never wake up
not sure about the reason but maybe there is no reason
and she was very downcast, too
but somehow it didn't worsen my state
we even managed to do a bit of packing
I try to concentrate on the notion that I was a bit useful to her
but I came home feeling that I haven't done anything for Christmas.

And then the "Betlehem players" came
a lot of them
they were cute
especially the boy with Down syndrome – I really regret that I didn't introduce myself to him.

on church floors, again

This morning I helped cleaning out the Franciscan church
all the while musing that alas, I became one of the worthy old and lonely matrons
who do this
which is of course nowhere near true
yet this was my subconscious view
that people who have others to take care of
have no time for this.

At the same time though
while I was mourning my chance of a hectic Christmas with (my own) children
I also felt part of something bigger
as I was mopping the stone floor
made shiny (and slippery)
by the feet of the (local amd visiting) faithful
of half a millennium.
That church will hopefully be there
to proclaim the glory of God
long after I am gone and forgotten.

on meetings and other stuff

Yesterday I visited M. in K.
along with her smallest son
our godson
they were both very nice
and we managed to have a quite even conversation
in which we both
shared about ourselves
and listened to each other
it was a bit of a change, and definitely a good one.

Today I visited Gy.
just two streets away
met her smallest daughter
my namesake
they were both very nice
and we managed to have a quite good conversation
despite the fact that the last time we did so
must have been about four or five (and possibly more) years ago
I hope it won't be so much till the next time.

Meanwhile I keep doing the hard but necessary stuff
on Tuesday I sent off a Christmas and farewell card to my (former) parents-in-law
today I walked along a street on which I never dared walk since spring
because of the memories attached to it
I don't think that these help
but maybe prevent some further deterioration
and in fact help isn't the point either--
they feel like non-negotiables
like duties
like putting one foot in front of the other
whether I like it or not.

I also started listening to Oliver Twist
I need to listen to each chapter 1.5-2 times on average to get them
(mostly because I don't pay enough attention)
but all in all I think I like it (a great reader, needless to say).

on motor riding and cinema

Motorcycling yesterday was fun
less fun than last time
(novelty wears off?)
but still pretty good
and it also gave me the feeling that
I did something for myself

Afterwards I had a look
at the reopened cinema
it's nice and clean and new
but not completely finished yet
and very sterile, no decoration or such anywhere
just the bare walls.
My appetite for the cinema was whetted nevertheless
(much as it is every winter
somehow my visits peak in January each year
there seem to be better films on screen
and less other anything to do)
but this year I should definitely opt for a free month of Netflix instead
a pity that I somehow never can get beyond one film during the whole month
and not even so far in some cases.

on feeling badly, mostly

No one showed up (of those whom I invited)
but the concert was nice anyway
(and we had a last rehearsal at the time of the mass)
although I was close to tears
both on the way there
and back

I was wondering if it is proportionate
to the "punch" of the morning
and of course it isn't
it's just that I am like the castle
built from playing cards
you may give me the slightest flick
on any side
and I just collapse
(too bad Mum has no idea about this)

Anyway
I got home
only a bit sad that no one came
and yet very dejected all in all
then I took half a pill
was given a few gingerbread star towers to decorate
had a few words on my how-being with my sister-in-love
discussed the Holy Land with my brother
and had some almond liquor
and now, laying in the bath tub
life feels a bit more bearable again

At least I started feeling like motorcycling tomorrow
I was tempted to cancel my attendance
and just stay in bed for the day
(though I'm fairly sure that my brother wouldn't have left me--one extra point for moving home :-D)
as someone depressed ought to stay
I started having a few other symptoms signalling in that direction, too
like I have fewer and fewer answers
for the question "what would you enjoy, what do you desire right now?"
and also less and less interest in having an answer.

I also have this horribly tangled relationship with my friends
in my head
where I say no one's reaching out to me
but I do absolutely nothing
to reach out to them
and discount those cases when someone does call me.
Today A. called
whom I greeted on the fly this morning
when I arrived to the clinic
and also Gy.
who never answered my circulars
but showed up on the mass
with all three of their kids
and about two weaks ago sent me a text
saying let's meet
and so on Friday I'll visit her
and tomorrow the motor ride with B.
and he also wrote to me about the concert (coincided with the office Christmas party)
but then he was the only one to do that
and there is still silence around New Year's eve
over which it is totally crazy for me to be upset
since I don't intend to attend anyway
but upset I am

and all in all I really am not surprised
that people are fed up with my moaning
(that may have contributed to the happenings at therapy, too)
I should be glad for their patient listening this far

on being stuck

For the first time today
I left therapy with the feeling that
either I am being seen as stupid
or I am stupid
there was no resolution in the end
and now I feel worse than before.

I watch Christmas approaching
in some kind of a resignation
as something unavoidable
not good and not terrible
I could very well go on without it
and the whole festive whatever
and just skip from 23 Dec to 2 Jan
though that will be 2020
terrifying

Anyway, I wrote the first batch of cards last night
they certainly won't arrive on time
and in one case I'm unsure if it will ever reach the recipient
but at least that much I've done
to keep up the appearance of normality
otherwise about no preparations
no presents
no plans
no purpose
just a sense of emptiness.

I am also horribly tired
and just plain sad
and don't feel like walking a good half hour
to our choir concert
and then back
but I did invite a few people
and if they showed up, it wasn't nice on my part not to
though there may well be no one (known to me)
anyway, singing does me good
but I may skip the mass before it.

on perception

After two days of coming and going
up and down
this way and that
crowds everywhere (though not really horrible ones)
people shopping and taking photos galore
and buzzing all around

what came closest to me in Jerusalem
was the Western wall
(the "weeping" one as I'd call it)
which doesn't have much to do with Jesus
but where
probably for the first time in my life
I've seen a great many people
observing the rituals of another world religion
and that touched me deeply
seeing all those girls and women
with their books
in their very modest clothes
(even in colours--I've hardly seen other than black, grey, brown or dark green*)
praying so very earnestly
some moving their upper bodies
some close to dancing
some almost in tears

that was an amazing experience

totally different from the rest of the places
where the centuries and denominations
have all left their marks
and meanwhile the places became
something very far removed
from their original

this is indeed the primate of the simulacrum
the pictures and films seemed more real
more authentic

but in fact that had its own meaning too
I found myself amazed by the sheer amount of people
pilgrims and tourists
who came to these holy places before me
throughout the ages
whose soles and knees made the stone floors shiny (and slippery)
and who all left their marks
while the places became
something so far removed
from their original

* Neither on cars or walls, the whole city is kind of colourless

on my time here

I am dead tired
of the 2x2 hours of sleep the night before  last
and of all the stimuli
coming with a totally foreign culture
and 40ish people buzzing constantly
I am not very good with them, in addition
I should probably be more patient
when the last one wants to make their 476th selfie
and stays a hundred meters behind the rest
thus disabling the radio thingy
in which I would so like to hear the guide

And now I fear sleep
as I do at home
that's the most important reason
behind my screwed-up circadian rhythm
in some strange way I fear sleep
or my semi-conscious mind
not sure why
but I rather stay up
as long as I am able
doing anything
so usually I would keep listening to or reading anything
as long as it falls out of my hand
and only then would I realise that I have to pee
after which I would again need the same ritual avoidance

on my way, again

This time to the airport
for a part-work pilgrimage
in Jerusalem and Bethlehem

I am not prepared
and feel guilty for it
along with some anxiety over my general ability
to accompany a group of people
my self-confidence is hitting rock-bottom
(it hasn't been much better for at least a year now)
I wonder what would have to happen
to convince me that I may be able to do things
and do them well
anyway, if nothing else, at least my English is excellent
and with that I may be of some help to the pilgrims

I am curious also, naturally
never been to those parts
I am curious of the general feel of the Middle East
(though I'm sure there isn't really a "general feel" to the whole)
and of course about the places
where Jesus walked while he walked on earth

I hope God will reveal a bit of themself[?]
there, too

on money matters

So it has come to this
I was pretty careless with my money in recent weeks
if I am honest, I am not used to being frugal
(and hate being miserly)
and now I start wondering how to go on
not much income visible on the horizon yet
I'm not too worried (yet?)
I really felt no deprivation so far
if not that of letting go of some greater-scale plans (such as a new laptop or improving the flat)
but I'm still better off than many a better person

still, money matters.

on grieving

There is something horrifying
in the way how small things
(like filling the bath tub)
remind me of how things used to be
and more times than not
how I should have done
differently

For a few weeks now
the question on therapy was
"how do you feel, react
when emotional support ceases"
I spoke last week
one word card I chose said fear
and I can't even remember the others
they weren't very good ones
I couldn't really choose
anyway
the psychologist at the end looked at me
and said: "Fortunately making atonement was not among your cards"
I smiled and replied something like "no, it wasn't"
and wondered why he keeps coming up with stuff like that

Today we gave each other messages
from words and pictures
and yet again
somebody gave me the card to forgive
(actually it was the girl who told me
to forgive myself after my very first sharing)

and after the retreat
and my moving round and round
and my remorse over, like, anything and everything

it starts to make sense

on shouting

I tried it out finally

the yelling therapy

went out of the village

one valley farther

and said out loud 

whatever reason I could think of

to hate Á. and God

and after each one of them

I let out an inarticulate shriek

It was pretty good

not easy at first but I got better at it

it came from a place deeper and deeper

it even started to feel like some sort of a prayer

raw and honest 

you wouldn't yell at somebody that you don't care about

then I once heard some hallo-ing 

from the other side of the hill

then I turned my steps backwards

My throat aches a bit

nevertheless 

I think I may have

many more such sessions in myself

where could I do it near home

and when

and would I if it were not prescribed any longer

(though it could be

it came up earlier

in therapy as well as in ither conversations)

these are the questions

on the funk(?)

I shouldn't be doing this in public

("public" meaning about four people

as far as I can tell...

but still, I'm leaving a trace)

every time I fall, I feel like a fool

[that's an interesting sentence in terms of f..l words]

as I look back at my unreasonably hopeful-sounding posts

just days before.

Somehow it doesn't really work the other way round.

I am tempted to just give up

whatever that may mean

just stop trying

for all the doing isn't more than

pathetic attempts to hold on

by grabbing my own hair.

on (the?) two ways of being hungry

Last night I took a sleeping pill (med #1)

not for any mental disturbance, thank God 

just because I was afraid that 

if I can't go back to sleep much longer after 2am

than the 6am rorate mass will be in grave danger.

What I didn't realise (in my usual naïvite...)

was that since I haven't had one in a month 

it was bound to knock me off

and so getting up and staying awake for that single hour

was close to a nightmare

and even after getting back to sleep at 7am

I needed long hours of anything-but-restful slumber to make myself get up

eventually after 10:30

and still felt pretty numb well into the afternoon.

Anyway, the odder thing

was that I wanted to eat the whole day long

while my stomach hasn't been properly empty since I am here

(lunches are huge

two courses in restaurant portions

and about as much meat so far as I'd eat in a month)

and now I finally came to understand 

that there exists a mind-type hunger as well

that has nothing to do with my stomach

a very subtle one indeed

that just whispers "Eat. Eat." in my ear

and does that quite irresistibly. 

And it may be induced naturally 

by a hectic schedule, general stress and fatigue

or by (this or an other) medicine.

(It might also explain why 

the other day when we met accidentally

M. was ordering two slices of toast

besides the two-course, carbohydrate-heavy meal

that I couldn't even finish off.

I mean, she doesn't do 

heavy manual labour either

to explain such an appetite

and she gained a lot of weight recently

I was wondering if it's medicine-related

she's certainly a lot more balanced, too

which may not be such a bad exchange 

still, I'm a bit worried by her size.)

on my love/hate relationship with sugar

So after a month of if-not-quite-no-but-a-lot-less sugar

I can at least draw a few outlines

as to the why and when and what.

Obviously the worst is in extreme fatigue

(be it physical or mental)

those are the times when I hardly stop to think

my brain lights up with a flashing 

"Carbohydrate! Yaay! Get as much as you can! As fast as you can!"

and I do exactly so.

I suppose that's evolutionary behaviour 

a pattern that has served survival for thousands of years

(not any longer, though, or at least not under my first-world circumstances). 

What I can do is either

a) have no very sugary stuff at hand, or

b) avoid excessive fatigue 

(the second being the best but the less doable option).

Other than that, simply knowing that 

"I don't choose sweet"

helped immensely 

in everyday (bakery, canteen, coffee shop, pub) situations.

That's absolutely something to consider keeping (or putting on, like a _habit_).

And then there are the vices

to my surprise, I am o.k. without 

or, to my even greater surprise, with just a few bits of

chocolate

(see Abstainer vs. Moderator)

but I often found it difficult to resist sweet bakery-stuff

which then turned out to be disappointing each time

(maybe also because these weren't fresh any longer but still)

that is again something to keep in mind 

for future reference. 

I wasn't tempted by any [cukrászda] in November

but home-baked cookies and cakes did show up at times

and those were the sweets that were definitely worth it.

I ate fruit (fresh, canned and dried)

and even drank fruit juice (though I usually diluted it with water)

so maybe I could've done more

in terms of changing my taste--

that time may or may not come.

What I'd try now (if I had the nerve to any more changes nowadays) would be

to cut back on carbohydrates in general

and mostly on white flour.

That of course were easier if I cooked

I did start shifting towards whole-grain in quite a few foods earlier 

(like pasta, couscous and oat flakes).

Maybe after moving back home 

I could start cooking...?

Zs. sent an article on meal-prepping

that was quite inspiring 

maybe that could dissolve some of the drag

I mean, really, the most tiresome parts of cooking are

1) working out what to make, and

2) cleaning and chopping stuff.

If those were done in an hour or two each week

then I might happily cook three or four times, I guess.

on the four basic spiritual needs

1. To be loved and to love

2. To experience that one's life has its inherent value

3. To be free (recognise and choose the good)

4. To belong (deep, intimate relationships)

We are all born with these desires 

but perhaps more importantly

also with these abilities.

Even if I have to dig a bit (or a lot)

to get to one or more of them

somewhere deep inside

there is a way.

on outlets and identities

I am told (not for the first time, mind you)

that I need (non-destructive) outlets

for my emotions 

mentally (writing? crying? shouting?)

physically (running? chopping firewood?)

and spiritually  (...?)

and if I use them appropriately 

then the pain, with time,

will loose of its strength

and, with time 

it will start to feel more like 

the memory of pain.

So far, so good. How do I start it, though?

And how do I get back on track after 

a blood-thirsty dream-splurge or two?

The other interesting task

may be to 

well, first accept reality both on the factual level (what has been has been and may (have) be(en)), and on the emotional (what I feel is what I feel and I may feel so)--anyway, that isn't the point now

but then

to take my interpretations

(whatever I tell myself, think, surmise)

and review those 

in the light of what I know to be true--mostly Scripture.

What's funny in it is that 

every now and again I came across this concept earlier 

building up an identity based on faith

but it always felt like such a 

useless thing to spend time on

I mean, isn't it obvious that 

we are loved sinners 

whose Father and Maker delights in them

who are precious beyond any other creature etc. etc.?

Well, she who stands should be careful

not to fall...

on some great expectations

(I'm so glad now that 

the blog is not interactive. This way 

I might give a go to 

voicing my experiences even here

more or less real-time

for this sort of a reflection so far

seems to help me quite a bit.)

Sooo, this is going to be interesting

in the best possible way.

Apparently Sr. Á. somehow managed 

what many have tried before her

without too much success:

convincing me 

that my modus operandi

(including the waves of wrath, and the running of the same rounds &c.)

is actually 

a sign of my relatively well functioning psyche

since these are totally adequate feelings

here and now.

And that it would be more worrying

had I not these

for that could only be if

they were suppressed 

somewhere deep down

and would then disturb me in other ways

kind of like the balloon bunny

that may grow a third ear if you press it hard enough. :-)

Also, God has all the time of my life to go on with creating me

there really is no need (besides way...)

to rush the healing

there is a time for everything

and this is that of mourning.

It remains to be seen, of course, how long 

it'll keep me going

but now I am pretty excited. 

(I won't look up anything while writing here

so my apologies in advance for the occasional

grammatical, lexical or stylistic 

mistakes.)

on my way again

It's snowy and foggy

half-way between Bp. and Miskolc

I like it when the horizon and the skyline blend into one another 

though it reminds me of the trips to Baja

and that reminds me of some more difficult letters 

waiting to be written

Today I got to talk on therapy

after a girl who isn't quite sure if her love relationship will work out

but probably it won't

and before another who had similar thoughts a few weeks earlier

and was dumped by this time

by the guy who really sounded like a jerk.

Odd how these things come together

there are at least two more 

more or less struggling with their men

and one quite possibly

and then there am I

much like an alien

and yet so much one of them.

I have no idea how I will handle 

the move home

by all probabilities I was over-enthusiastic once again

(what a surprise...!)

I regret that I told G. & T. so ea(ge)rly

anyway, baby steps may help

I might sleep at home after late activities

(though January doesn't really abound in those)

and go back for long evenings

maybe

maybe.

Meanwhile

the company where I eventually did send in my application 

wrote back two really friendly lines

that they'll have a look at my stuff

and get back to me,

please would I wait patiently. 

And that at least is nice.

on the waves of hatred

More and more often
(let's say, twice a day at least)
I am overcome by sheer hatred
against him and her
which then turns back on me
every single time
without fail
since, obviously, where else could it go?

This can only kill me
(and the emphasis may well be on either the kill or the me)

But I have no idea how to fight it
and, frankly, not much inclination, either.
I tell myself that it will just go away
but I know it won't. There are way too many people
carrying on with never resolved issues
for decades.
Maybe "working on them" could help
but maybe not. I have no idea how to do it,
and I can't pull myself out of the swamp by my hair anyway.
And anyway, why would I deserve a better fate than the many
who have gone through and became crippled for life
by the same evil?

on a loong morning

Mum was here

came for the concert last night

today we had a ten minute chat

of which I may now need a few days to recover

hell, I definitely won't spend more time at home around Christmas than I must

(which is a bit sad because I dreamed about meeting lots of people in Bp.)

Anyway, I got up for the rorate mass today

at 5:20

it was nice

I was kept busy with the breakfast arrangements

people were kind

and I was close to tears all the time

Later I went home for a few items for the retreat

apparently it's freezing even by day in the mountains 

I am still hoping to have some snow

that might make it more bearable 

(I remember a retreat back in 2017

where I eventually gave in beacuse

it's very hard to be angry at a God

that gives me so much beauty)

otherwise I dread the whole thing

I mean, I've been falling ever since trying to sit still for ten minutes last week

and now I set off for 5 days?!

And there is, as it is always before leaving,

a lot to do today... 

I am overwhelmed.

And I very much hope that the Saint John's wort tea

really has all the antidepressant qualities attributed to it

for it tastes pretty bad.

on not getting anywhere

Progress is but an illusion

I don't feel a single step farther

on the road of personality development

(whatever that may be in my case

but let's just say becoming 

something more of 

a loving and lovable person)

than I was in May.

My life has no more meaning, and

I don't have more resources to try and figure it out.

I am not stronger or steadier.

If anything, I am weaker and moodier.

Sometimes I wonder 

why there are still people around me

who don't give up on me.

on doing what must be done

A minute ago
I finally sent out two
highly important and
very long procrastinated e-mails:
to the state child protection authority
and the foundation where we were on hold in the adoption queue.
On Monday they'll wipe out our data from their systems
maybe sigh
and go on.

While my heart breaks once again
as I once again must face the hard fact that
motherhood eludes me
quite possibly for forever.

And I am very much tempted to start thinking
what I must have done so utterly, so irreparably wrong
to deserve this
but then of course life just doesn't work this way
the very question is unreasonable
ridiculous in fact

if only I wasn't sobbing.

on the power of community

Last night on CLC

almost everyone was more or less discouraged 

by the retreat

or by life in general.

É. is in a more depressed period again

and I was pretty much as low as ever.

She told us about the mess in her flat 

that prevents her from cooking or just doing everyday stuff

I told them about the job-case

and cried quite a bit

(which may cleanse my psyche but certainly not my glasses :D)

the others listened attentively and compassionately 

as always.

Then we had one more round to reflect on what we heard.

And at that point, people stepped in

not only with words that built us both up

but also with practical suggestions 

which by God's grace were totally well aimed

so in the end we decided to go and help É. tidy up her flat for Christmas

and I promised them to hand in my application by Monday.

We even laughed out loud a bit

on J.'s vivid telling of unexpected visitors

(may God be merciful to them,

especially if they happen to open a shut door to peep in!).

We all declared to be relieved and grateful in the end. And I came home more hopeful than I had been for a good week or so.

on feeling paralysed

The idea of the job application 

sends me into some sort of a frozen state

quite bizarre and a bit scary

obviously I have nothing to lose

(apart from having to live in with the shame of yet another bad interview

but that isn't a very public thing either)

and quite a bit to gain

I couldn't say a single other job for which I had more skill

and yet, there seems no way to make myself do the application.

The other thing igniting similar resistance is running

though in that there would seem to be even less risk

but remaining alone with my mind

is impossible at present.

Maybe I could try to listen to an audio book

but I'm not sure how the headphones would work for running

and of course I am plain lazy, as well.

Which reminds me of a walk and chat

with F. last evening 

in drizzling rain and correspondingly despondent mood

he told me at one point that

even though he hates his current workplace

maybe it wouldn't be much better anywhere else either

he may just be lazy

and it felt good to hear that from someone else

for I've long suspected it about myself

but never really admitted it

we were basically commiserating

over our own lives 

as well as the state of the world 

but there was something reassuring in it nevertheless.

And this morning, in proper rain

we attended a Fridays for Future demonstration with A.

we weren't more than fifty people

but still I'm glad I made it this time.

In half an hour I'll have to be off for CLC

which is always a blessing

and a huge energy surge

and yet I hardly feel up to get out of this armchair 

this is temptation indeed

and I won't give in

even if I did give in to sweets today.

on a difficult morning

I was about to write that

if this isn't depression than I don't know what is

but then of course I don't

it's just what I imagine it to be

not wanting to get out of bed

(preferably ever again)

and silently weeping in despair

and feeling totally, irreparably broken.

(All these after half a tranquilizer.

I actually had a look at its LD50 limit

but it's way higher than the half bottle I have at hand, fortunately.)

I was once again conceited about my progress

time to accept that

no matter how strong I hold on

to my hair

I can't pull myself out of this.

(Not much after these the medicine kicked in

I slept an hour or so more

and was stunned for at least an hour more

doing everything half-pace

but at least not crying.)