on some newly found joys

A few weeks ago I set off
to create some sort of an evening routine
of course the usual way, wanting it all at once :-)
but a few steps seem to stick
(if it is not too late already at the start):
I brew a cup of lemon balm tea infusion
light a candle
and pray with some audio examen while sipping it
I stretch a bit
and the happiest: I step out to the balcony
and say good-night to the moon :-)
which is strangely comforting
even in the night chill

Also, sleeping in a cool room 
does make a big difference for me 
I think I only shut my window fully once so far
[would someone please tell me the correct word order???]
and don’t mind even the initial cold
because I sleep so much better this way

(also, should I close the window,
I would probably die after the first few nights
in the dust of my room :D)

Another joy was to have lunch and coffee and cake with P. today
we figured we met last at A.’s birthday
close to 4 months ago
a shame, really
but we had a great conversation at last

And we also had a video chat with N. and A. in the morning
which provided a glimpse into each other’s days
I’m glad for that, too

And I sent a message to S., finally
he’s on his way to Wroclaw
feeling a bit better than the last time we chatted (months ago :-( )

And I am horribly worried for K.
something for St. Therese of Lisieux to work hard on

on a life lesson, learned again

On Wednesday I finally sent a text to Sr. A.
and got a call from an unknown number
while sitting at choir practice
and a text saying
This is Sr. J., please call me back about Sr. A.

and then I pretty much knew

but I would never have dreamt that she died
right that previous night
just when I reached out to her
after months and months of procrastinating

and I (should’ve) learned it with B. bácsi 
our dear old musical history teacher
way back in 2000
when I didn’t post him
that card from Warsaw
with the Chopin monument

I have to pay more attention to my parents

the age of weddings and baptisms 
is slowly but surely changing 
into the age of funerals

on gender issues

So this year's International Booker Prize winner is a Dutch book
written by an author not yet 30
who “identifies as both male and female”
and it made me face it once again:
I am unsettled by these new identities

With a little thinking, I could also work out why:
age and sex are the first two signposts for me
about how to relate to anyone

I remember well when I had to talk to a lady in burqa
at the Visitors’ Centre in Strangeways
and I felt lost
not having any idea of her age
(even with the English language not really distinguishing
between, say, a formal or an informal address) 

Anyway, last night I downloaded the novel’s first four chapters (Amazon sample)
and found that it is indeed very well written (and translated to English)
would probably be well worth reading
despite its dark theme

on the joys of autumn

Finally I don't have to let my blinds down

because the sun doesn't rise too early

and because it's not hot in the mornings any more

my plants will be glad for the light

and so am 

(if only it would flood

a tidy and clean room...!)

the air is also crisp

and somehow smelling autumn-like

hoodie-weather

(if only I had that hoodie...)

on shame

Yesterday I listened to a podcast episode on shame

it was very interesting indeed

turns out that shame works differently from other emotions

even on the neuron (?) level:

while others may be reversed fairly easily

shame's paths are somehow more set

meaning that unlike after, say, hearing someone apologise

and never being angry with them again

shame keeps coming back

It reminded me of what I once heard

that (Catholic) women who had an abortion

keep confessing it

I always found it (scary and) weird

you are forgiven, why would you confess anything more than once

but by now I understood 

I could do it with the divorce

(and it wasn't even my decision)

The other interesting thing in the podcast

was that just as we are not getting into shame alone

we can't get out of it alone either

we need the acceptance of others

(for ourselves, not for our actions)

on dragging along

It's not nearly as bad as it was a few months ago

but I still lack energy or vitality

I still prefer to cancel group events

and procrastinate a lot

but some of my official programs were cancelled, too

so I could go to Szalafo for almost 4 weeks

whether that would be wise remains to be decided

Meanwhile yesterday "marked" the first psychodrama session

which was exhausting

probably more or less due to my very strong reistance

I still feel the urge to back out

there's going to be sweat and blood

and mirrors in which 

I am not sure if I am prepared to look into

and then there is the self-consciousness 

and the fact that I am miles away from my body

it actually feels strange to try and express myself 

in any other way than through words

on work strategies

Today I asked my boss 

whether he'd be o.k.

with me sending him a two-line email

each workday night

telling him what I've been doing

because apparently

(and pretty shamefully but never mind that)

I run on accountability

I wonder what he'll say to it tomorrow

(in fact, as far as self-hacks go

I think it's quite a good one

he wouldn't even have to read them)

Meanwhile, I've been to Pomaz

for Dad's birthday

it was nice

(I asked him about my reaction

on Mum's homecoming at 4 months

and he said he can't remember anything exceptional happening)

and so was little E's baptism in Keszthely

a very intimate event

with way too much to eat afterwards

I still can't get my head around

being bestowed so much trust upon

by G. and A.

it actually feels like a compelling reason to stay alive

By night we found out that

someone from the community of the baptising priest 

was found COVID positive in Budapest

we are still waiting for the test result of Fr. Z.

on nothing in particular

I worked totally insufficiently this whole week

it weighs on my conscience 

but at least today I got to catch up with A.

having last met around the end of June

it was nice

S. K. is off to Germany for about three months

so much for her calling me :-)

N. flew back to Y. today

I wonder if she'll get the next job there

I listened to a ton of podcasts

and radio dramas

and ate half a melon today

which was almost sweeter than I wished for

I overspent horribly this week

and just realised a week or so ago

that I ignored YNAB's advice

namely to live on last month's paycheck

and slipped into living 

on the most recent one

and that might be worth reversing if I can

BUT I washed my hair

and went house-minding

without being forced to do either

(if not by the urge of procrasti-working...)

on these days

Yesterday I helped P. tuning the organ in Makó
it involved lots of scaling on the keyboard
and lots of handing over pipes to him
(preferably in some set order :-))
it was great fun, I had hours to read meanwhile,
and he payed me very handsomely in the end

Today I did a little bit of translation
but it will be a drag this way
I could hardly make myself do it
and payed a lot for eating and drinking out
and then when I came home, all my energy left (again)
and I skipped the gospel choir
and only the occasion makes me
willing to get up and move to the pub
(it being N.’s farewell party)

I was admitted to the psychodrama group
I have half a mind to let go of it
it will by all probabilities be so painful

Meanwhile the lectures which I should attend
(organised by my workplace and selling "my" coffee)
were reshuffled again
meaning that I could spend two weeks at most in Szalafő

Nothing ever works out the way I’d like it to