on dreams

(Still no success browserwise

and here I can't type properly shaped apostrophes)

Around dawn yesterday 

I had my most embarrassing dream I can remember of

I really do hope they don't have much to do with reality

or at least only on some very subtle level

and certainly not literally

At night yesterday

I felt a sudden urge to daydream

about this newly found idea of mine

though it already became

somewhat less appealing 

as I found a few more obstacles

I didn't "give in" to this urge

if only I knew now why

but the feeling in itself may be a good sign

a bit of hope

on a sense of purpose

(From 23 June, I just corrected some typos and it redated itself :-( )

Strangely enough

I feel more purpose to my life here

right after two days of 0 productivity*

than I have in a long time

most likely it's because of the kids

they are at a pretty happy place now

cooperative, kind, self-sufficient

and so it is really apparent how well worth were all the efforts, energy, time, patience

that their parents have invested in them

they really are delightful most of the time

and of course it sets me off

to spend more time with them

Also, today I drove to the grocery shop woth Md.

all the way to Ő. (and back :-))

without any trouble

it was a stretch to my comfort zone

though I well know 

that there probably aren't many easier places in the country

in terms of driving

*Though I did a bit of volunteering for CLC (translation)

on the heat

I was quite content with the less-than-summery temperatures so far

knowing full well that I'll have enough time to get fed up with it, whenever it starts

and alas, it took about two days :-)

But so far ot was only hours at the worst places:

the forest was fine, just like the cars and the house

but then I arrived home

and it's close to unbearable

and even closer to that with the mess at my room

so after cooking a bag of (pre-made) gnocchi

and attending a good one-third of a mass

I just listened to a BBC crime drama

and played 2048

Oh yes, and put away the clean clothes

which came with scratchy reminders

from last week's cacti-repotting :-(

Update at 3:20 am:

Trouble is, I find this over and over again

it only takes about half an hour

from getting home in a more or less normal state of mental energy

to losing my interest more or less completely

Add to this that I've been up 

wide awake

around 3 am

for the last week or so

and have a recurring mouth ulcer for at least a week again

and you'll get a pretty worried me

again

on another hike

Today we gathered in Psztk.

with those who did or plan to 

lead pilgrimages

through P. P.

it was a lovely bunch of people

with lots of kids

I spent much of the walk 

to Cs. and back

on my own

somehow I found balance 

(or it found me)

between the noise of the others

and the peace of the forest

and thought about a few things

without much of the worry of losing myself in destructive spirals

Nature makes me happy

beyond my previous concept of it

I want to find ways to incorporate more of it

into my life

an idea is taking shape in my mind

but there are lots of variables

I'll see

on the rest of the holiday

We're back in P.

after a visit to the Hirschberg zoo

a climb to the mountain Kulm

a lovely dinner at Café Corso in Sz.

some more translation

another nice dinner at Bognár's in Ő.

a long ride

a short climb to the castle ruins in B.

and probably quite a lot more

that I forget now

Blogger didn't let me write from browser

(mobile or desktop)

now the app seems to work

we'll see

on vacation

Aaand here we are in Sz.

where even the air feels different

(not so very different this time though

since Szeged was at least this damp)

where blood pressure and pulse drops

and where whatever you can do today

you can also do tomorrow

The travel was delightfully eventless (?)

meaning the kids didn't complain, bicker, nag or try to kill each other

an amazing feat, especially with the three of them sitting in one row

we listened to Tüskevár

Here we met Dad

as well as some people living in the neighborhood

met some uber-cute piglets

and had dinner at the restaurant in walking distance

I also read a bit from The Red Box

courtesy to the relentlessly decluttering next door lady

whose books I pinch quite often :-)

on busyness

I was more productive today than any time recently

tomorrow we’ll be off to Sz.

with my brother and the three smaller kids

and so I had to get to the end of quite a lot of tasks

We also had two pretty honest conversations with B.

and watched two films together 

(Fountain and Close Encounters of the Third Kind)

there was the online film club tonight

I finished reading Berzsián aloud

and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for myself

as well as Station Eleven a few days earlier

I took the oversized duvet to the laundromat

and did some website testing for H.

I’ll have to take the laptop to Sz.

because I forgot/procrastinated the translation for CLC

And I didn’t go to church (last Sunday or this one)

which feels a bit weird

I can't remember the last time

I felt quite this dizzy

(what on earth led me to have

4 cl Unicum AND 2×3 dl wine, really?!)

but at least I made the leap

out of I-want-to-pity-myself-alone

and through anybody-else-may-hurt-me

on clapping

I am probably the last one to clap for the carers

(and they weren't so horribly strained here anyway)

but I feel obliged to go on

because of the lovely old lady in the house across the street

who joins me every night

and we smile at each other and wave as if we knew each other

and I hate the thoughts of both 

not seeing her any more and 

disappointing her

a complicated case to solve, it seems

Today I felt pretty bad at first

to the point of considering coming home from work at 10

but it got better and I stayed

it's still far from normal though

different discomforts, stomach mainly

low blood pressure

it'll pass by tomorrow 

(well-known period starting maladies)

on (not) running

This morning

while rushing to the trolleybus in the rain

and without any concious thinking

the right word struck me

as to why I am unable to go jogging these days:

I used to feel invincible while running

and about the opposite way (would it be "conquered"?)

for the last year or so

Other than this, the sad truth is that I feel

growing unease ever since I got off the coach on Mars tér last night

no doubt it's mostly because of my procrastinated duties

and the ever rising amount of stuff in my room

I also didn't sleep 6 hours last night

meaning that I got everything wrong at work today

but after work I bought vegetables

got the paper bags from J.

made bacon & eggs for dinner

did the most pressing proofreading task

gave rainwater to the orchids

and read Station Eleven for more than an hour

instead of the usual mindless scrolling

a pretty productive day, I have to say

on some happy days

I am in Szfvár 

with my dear old friend, Zs.

(one of my oldest ongoing friendships, in fact

since about 1994 or 5)

a separated mother of 3

a faithful Calvinist

and an amazing person

We let our hair down

as you would with anyone of the above description:

sat on the giant wheel

had ice cream

walked a lot

talked even more

sat in a church for an accidental organ concert

ate raclette for dinner

ran to Tesco at 9.50pm

for another box of ice cream

and drank half a bottle of wine 

(! -- probably a first)

Today we had a fancy coffee

ran to see the clockworks

(missed the first half but the second was nice enough)

Zs.'s parents came for a quick visit

which called for the immediate removal of the wine glasses from sight

I probably managed to shock her father

with the fact that I paint electrodes these days

(intentionally -- they hold impossible standards for Zs.,

I meant him to gain a glimpse into reality)

I also met her cute little niece for the first time

later we went to see the Bory castle

which reminded me of the first one in Sintra

(hillside, garden and all)

but it was cut short by the rain

at home we talked a bit more

and I imported her emails from one address to another

the new one being on her maiden name

set up on the spot, as a small step towards rebuilding herself

(strange how I like to solve these tiny IT tasks

and enjoy tutoring people in them)

I also gave her some (sought) advice

on what to do with the china

that her husband gave her throughout the years

and she was very happy with the idea of

"out of sight, out of mind"

on changes

My energy levels are rising if ever so slowly

I still procrastinate whatever I can, as long as I can

but a few things caught my attention recently

and I wrote a couple of e-mails

I even offered to go on a walk with Sz.

whom I did find pretty tiresome quite a few times

I wonder how much it has to do with the increased dose of med #3

and if it has to do with it then how will I ever be rid of it

(not that it were so expensive or had side effects

but still, it feels a bit of a burden)

on a dream come true

Á. always resisted the idea of city centre composting

however, that ceased to be a concern of mine

and the couple on the ground floor are enthusiastic gardeners

so today I bought and set up(!) this beauty

(many thanks to F. for the transport)

Other than this, I procrastinated quite a bit today

(what a surprise, I know!)

started eating my lunch with the fish almost raw 

finished the infectious disease book

read aloud half of the last chapter of Berzsián

and had a nice phone chat with B.a from group therapy

(although none of these was what I had in mind when I sat down writing

but then I can’t remember what that could have been)

on today

My anger has vanished meanwhile

following some honest e-mails/chats

it’s good, I really shouldn’t mess up my friendships

they are the highest value I still have in my life

(B. certainly counting here, too)

I definitely feel a bit better

we’ll see how long it lasts

We celebrated A.’s birthday today

a bunch of of old friends

mostly married couples

happy to leave their kids behind for a few hours

in many aspects totally different worlds

and yet in many aspects very similar people

I did have a fleeting sense of 

“everybody’s life is going somewhere, except for mine”

but managed to turn my attentions somewhere else

before panic stroke

I also had a short conversation with P.

who tried to refrain from giving advice

and when I gave him permission, said something like

“don’t be afraid of your current sadness

or the fact that you walk a lot slower

just tell yourself that you need this now

your soul needs to catch up with your body

and don’t think about how you aren’t motivated

when you will feel the need to take steps

then you can make plans, etc.”

Nothing groundbreaking

but it still was reassuring

Counting to the day’s victories

I finally wrote and mailed the two 

way overdue

introductory letters 

to “my” convicts

fingers crossed that they take to the idea of a new penpal

But at least I am not the only one procrastinating: 

L. wrote that he potted the saplings yesterday

after planning to do it in the days after finding them in the post :-)

on the observer’s paradoxon

The problem with the blog as a genre

is that I can’t freely write about anybody who is likely to read it

the wider the audience, the tighter the space

this was one of the reasons why I kept really quiet 

about restarting writing last year

but alas, even this way it could have been used against me

on wading in water

When I must go somewhere

walking feels like wading in ankle-deep water

being slower probably doesn’t show 

since normally I walk pretty fast

but feeling the resistance in my body so clearly is just weird

Today I had a coffee with A. and the baby

and later we walked around in Alsóváros

by the end the flood disappeared from around my feet

for a while

on missed chances

As it transpired

the pub night lasted till 6am today

with some surprisingly deep conversations

to my eternal envy

but then again, there is probably a reason

why these usually happen without me

I’ve been aware of my party-pooper tendencies for a while now

Á. wrote to me today

asking me how much I’d be affected if he discontinued his monthly alms

and actually offering to remove his remaining stuff from the cellar

I thanked him for the money so far and assured him that I’ll manage

while also stating that I wouldn’t like to meet him

however ashamed I feel for this

I am a basket case

beyond repair

on a missed pub night

I didn’t feel like going to Jazz tonight

the odd thing is that it certainly would have cheered me up

but I don’t want to be cheered up either

What’s the point?

There wasn’t enough work for the 4 of us today

so I came home at 3

thinking that I may get things done

and sure enough, I did a load of laundry

and a curry in the crockpot

but with those, I was done

and since then, it’s just numbing myself

with BBC dramas

and Plants Vs Zombies