First I have to correct the previous one

the retreat is indeed for any divorcee

regardless of kids

so I applied 

we'll see whether covid permits it next March

Secondly, well, I keep procrastinating the tidying

and also getting sadder and sadder somehow

I think I disappoint myself

by not being wiser or tougher or better

even now, closer to the end of the divorce-crisis

I think the only thing I learned is that

survival is possible

but whether or not it is worth it 

is still uncertain

I mean, day by day I am fine

and perhaps that's reason enough not to complain

but I am still not needed anywhere

and though I've been doing and enjoying a lot recently

I could just as well had done them all married

and I can't really imagine anything happening

to which I'd say "this is it. For this it was worth."

Or maybe it's all PMS yet again.

another disappointment

Two years ago I applied to a 

retreat for divorcees

but by the time I did, it got fully booked

last year I tried again

but it was cancelled due to covid

and now it has been renamed to

"retreat for divorced parents"

The rest of the programmes of this ministry

seemed to have been for parents/grandparents 

ever since I first looked around on their website

(maybe there is some informal weekly meeting in Bp.

where it is not specified this way

but that's not much help to me)

so it really feels as though I fell through another web

as though I am

once again

being punished

for being barren

and meanwhile, the emotional neediness

I spent a weekend in Pozsony with S.

and then a few-hours walk with N.

(both one-on-one)

and both were great times

but like the stereotypical man, 

neither showed any inclination to share anything from his inside

I wonder whether this is something to accept as it is

or something to work on

but maybe this is what prevents me 

from falling for anyone

and if so then I should be very grateful indeed

because I do feel the itch

toward zero

This is the title of an Agatha Christie novel

which I listened to a few weeks ago on BBC

it came into my mind today as I was reflecting

that while I am more stable emotionally 

than I've been in the last two years 

(or maybe even three)

this is still just the starting point

I am not an inch farther off

I cannot say that I improved in any way through it all

or that it was worth it

basically I am more or less back to 0

having more or less wasted two precious years of my life

I am back to the old questions

(vocation, children, body -- in no particular order)

while also taking on a few new ones

(the viability/desirability of adopting on my own, 

the possibility of another Significant Other, 

the dissolution of the marriage, 

my general worthlessness, 

money issues -- in no particular order)

I heard about a new baby today

a very long awaited second child

to a great couple

(a kind of a miracle child who conceived naturally 

after long and exhausting rounds of IVF)

and I couldn't help becoming sad again

will this remain like this for the rest of my life, I wonder

on psychotherapy, for a change :-)

I told the psychologist today

about some recent events in some friends’ lives

which have little to no bearing on mine

yet still touched me somehow

the crippling perfectionism of A.

the brutal ex-husband of C.

and I found that I was crying

which was unexpected 

but not unwelcome

When at the end of the stories 

she asked me how I feel

I had to think (feel :-)) long and hard to figure out

I couldn’t give it a better name than that I feel touched

though I still couldn’t say why or by what exactly

however, I remembered two very different feelings

One was that of "the concrete sarcophagus"

that I had built around myself to try and protect myself

from the pains of barrenness

and which later became suffocatingly tight

until it eventually disappeared 

along with most of the pain

amidst the 

prayers

silence

snowfall

and maybe most importantly the 

sheer boredom

of a ten-day silent retreat in D.

The other one had been pretty much the opposite

the feeling of nakedness, maybe even skin-less-ness

when anything that just approaches me hurts

and all I can do is wish for some armor

or at least skin as thick as can be

And today (here comes the full circle)

I somehow felt as if I stroke some kind of a balance

where I am able to be touched by things other than my own pain

and I can bear them without crushing

Psychotherapy seems to work in mysterious ways

but there is no doubt that it does work  

***

Meanwhile

I dreamed about getting some insanely complicated task

that I tried to do as best I could

but was pretty much unable

I got some feedback from the commissioner on the translation

some good, some not so good

but all perfectly correct

I don’t think that my blood pressure has ever been this low

I’ve been feeling sleepy since yesterday but not just in my head 

but in my whole body, like that pleasant tingling right before falling asleep

on overwhelm, what else

One of my numerous former bosses called me the other day

and offered me a job

namely to teach Hungarian 

to two Nigerian seminarists

I told him that I am off till the middle of November

but eventually said yes to starting then

and now my head is boiling :-D

because as much as liked teaching Hungarian, I was never good at it

and this seems like a case with high stakes

also, two to three hours a day(!)

also, two people (though that makes it somehow rather less scary)

also, I haven’t told my current boss yet...

So now my mind at any given moment

is occupied with one or more of these:

- translation

- window-replacement and the very bad mess it will cause

- window-replacement and the very good order I should set up beforehand

(incl. removing the bathroom mirror and such...)

- teaching Hungarian to a couple of Nigeraian seminarists

(incl. questions mostly on methodology & 

how to tolerate the stress of not being understood – in any way other than starting to speak in English)

- how it will interfere with my other job

- whether and if so: when will I ever see friends again

- whether I can get out somewhere while the lovely weather lasts

- whether hard mental work justifies buying (and eating) chocolate

on proceding

Well, writing down my agonies proved to be a good way
to make them feel more managable

so I am happy to report that 

the funghi are cleaned and frozen and 

I even found out how to hold together my box of Sempervivum (-vivi??):

(unsightly but practical)

on the two types of not wanting to get out of bed

One is when I don't feel like doing anything

but there isn't much to either

lazy Saturday mornings

nothing exiting on the horizon

The other one is more serious

it comes when there is too much to do

typically on weekdays

when what (or all that) I should do feels daunting 

when I find it hard to even figure out where to start

in short when overwhelm hits

and it does now

it has been overwhelming for the last week

and will be for at least two more

the fact that I won that translator contest

leaves me only with traces of happiness and pride for the time being

because apparently I overstretched my capabilities with taking on this long a book

and so now all my waking hours should be spent translating

and so I don't want to do other necessary stuff

because they steal time from translating

and so now I am here 

with my hair badly needing a wash 

with my kefir-funghi badly needing new milk to feed on

with my bedlinen badly needing a change

and yet I do none of these

every now and then

I come across someone telling me about some family affair

in which I have some gut reaction

and then it turns out that they choose some completely different one

one that is a lot more loving & compassionate

than mine

and then I am ashamed 

and I feel as though in fact

I really wouldn't deserve a spouse/kid

since, see, I really couldn't do it well

on emotions & inspirations

Today’s was a very useful session at the psychologist

Last time we started talking about feelings

whether it was o.k. to express them back at home

and so on

(starting with my apparent inability to feel anger)

and then I thought about jealousy

with which I do struggle every once in a while

and then of self-pity

And then she said that jealousy is something much like anger

and self-pity like sadness

and with that, their "moral value" was at once taken away

and I find that very helpful indeed

a lot easier to manage them in my head

(or so I think now :-))

She also asked, in connection with my feeling of shame about the divorce

how I feel towards my divorcing friends

and I told her truthfully that I don't feel inclined to judge them

since both had fairly straight forward cases

with not much of a choice other than to leave

Then she asked me how I would put my own case into a sentence like those

seeing what objective reasons I could connect to their divorces

and I said "I was divorced because Á. wanted to leave"

and that suddenly felt like something pretty objective

As to the "substitute life"

even as I told her about it, I had to admit that

this expectation (the one about a family of "my own") 

exists only in my head

which doesn't make it much easier but maybe a bit still

Then at home I somehow thought I might start

the 8 week Marie Kondo challenge

trouble is, how do I strengthen my commitment...?

And in the evening we went to the cinema(!) with CLC

watched the film on the Ignatian camino

and it inspires me to go and walk it next spring

I'll have to make some sort of an initial calculation

on a substitute life

However, there was another impression

I've got after the papal mass

(and many times earlier but somehow it only took shape now)

namely that 

instead of a life of my own

I live a substitute one

It came on me while G. and T. were happily greeting rarely seen friends

and I was just standing there, not knowing what to say to whom

and although being there as a sister(-in-law) and aunt was a totally natural thing

I still felt as though I "should" be with "my own" family

that would be the "mature" thing

the responsible, the adult life

Maybe this is what I once called 

not being at home in my life

although back then

that was more a feeling of unreal-ness

while this is not

Maybe it is deteriorated by the fact

that I move among "perfect" families

so my ideals keep rubbing into my face

but then again, these lovely (and imperfect) people are my relatives and friends

and I am happy for their fortunes

It's about my attitude

about my seeing black or white and nothing in-between

(wo)man on the dam

It's been a while

as you may have noticed, that is a good sign

nothing particularly upstetting

and so it was, absolutely

the two holidays (in the Bükk and in the Őrség [goodness, that sounds bad!])

were perfectly relaxing

I came home with heightened energy level and lifted mood

and it lasted up to the last few days

pretty marvellously, really

I met a lovely little girl

14 months old Júlia

from whom I learned a lot

and who made me feel God's love more than anything this summer

the experience made me think about adoption 

once again

but I dismissed the idea for a while 

once again

Then this was a very busy weekend

theater on Friday, 1984

it was a lot better than I expected

quite moving in fact

Saturday morning I met Be. to sell him some coffee

he showed up in a Man on the Dam T-shirt

and as my face lit up, he said "it'll be tonight"

so I set up to walk the 26 km distance

on my own, having no one around to join me with such a short notice

This obviously meant that I freaked out

from every unusually shaped/coloured bush

and once terribly from a silent dogwalker

whom I passed almost without even noticing

and who later caught up with me

to my sheer horror

until I realised he was a fellow hiker

we met at the turning point earlier

and eventually walked together for the last five or so kms

All in all, it was a good thing to do

even if I weren't quite sure that I want to go

up to the time of leaving

and even if I was bone-tired 

I really felt as though I couldn't get out to the loo at night

and then came the papal mass in Pest...

but it all turned out quite nicely in the end

on hypersensitivity

PMS is wreaking havoc

no wonder after (yet another) month 

of reckless 

sugar/carbohydrates consumption

I've been having doomsday feelings for the last two or three days

such as

hopelessness

inadequacy

jealousy 

purposelessness 

slowness

laziness

and so on

Too bad that this could really be mitigated... if I cared enough to take care of myself

on loneliness

Somewhere deep

I always looked down on people

who can't bear to be alone

Well, I shouldn't have

I am as lonely as one can be

with quite a few good friends

I can always find something to complain about...

This time it is that there is no one 

to be there for granted

to share stuff with on a daily basis

to make plans with

to ask without hesitation, whenever I think of doing something

The psychologist seems to think 

that I feel I need validation from someone

and it may well be true

"the other side of the coin"

Today I met T.

after a year (or maybe even two?)

and I am just as unable to listen to her as I used to be

but seriously, she can talk for hours

without even taking a breath

and very often repeating herself

Today she said a half sentence about her bipolar condition 

about which I forgot, I think

but at least that explains this unstoppable talking

trouble is, I don't think she is being treated with it

Later A. came with the kids

and along with them

we took T.'s girls to the playground 

(they changed completely from the little devils they were at home)

A. told me about her not-so-successful days as a mother 

triggered in part by not being able to be alone for just a minute

which then lead me back to contemplate the fate of single mothers

who, of course, usually don't have more than one or two children to juggle with 

but even that seems well nigh impossible to me

and I think adoption may be a good idea?!

Meanwhile, a few days ago

I also happened to remember

something that dawned on me a long time ago

back when I was struggling with infertility:

that the way out 

is to be present and share and invest 

in the lives of my pregnant / young mum friends

I'm still not sure, why

but I am sure that it is

(Nevertheless,  T. still feels overwhelming)

a gut prayer

Dear God, my supposedly (and usually indeed) Loving Father,

would you please please please consider

taking away this overwhelming jeallousy 

that attacks me more and more often

when I see large and lovely family homes

with large and busy families

that of course aren't perfect in any way

but so much closer to what I wished for myself

Alternatively,  you may consider

taking away my rusty ideals

my never-to-be-fulfilled desires

or my life

Whichever you please, really

but do something, please

PLEASE

because all these are just too much

for now

on overwhelm

Much like I expected: 

Csillagpont is great fun

as well as an incredible load of work

It didn't help much

that G. started today with telling us off

very disproportionally to what we have(n't) accomplished yesterday

(but he too was fine afterwards

and I managed to even give him some

(pretty cheeky) feedback)

My coworkers are amazing

they made the job bearable and way beyond that

(I wish I could thank them all one by one)

The day wasn't very busy

but we needed to set up the routines, the flow

and I was there literally all day long

(7:15 to midnight)

and even if there were breaks

(an hour or so of prayer;

and we even played two full rounds of Set!)

it was very, very tiring

This was day 1...

today

For the first time in a few weeks

(or so it feels, anyway)

I didn't have to leave home

and it is also a lot cooler

so I had no such urge either

but now I have no food

and I should go a round

to the greengrocer and the baker

but I just am lazy

(not even the <cukrászda>!)

so I guess I'll have to eat something milk-based

which is fine

but sometimes I really wish for more motivation

There is this strange dynamics again:
nothing happening, seemingly

yet quite a bit going on on the inside

most of it half-consciously at maximum, though

Today I spent an hour with little M. in the pushchair

he was fabulous

made no fuss at all 

not even when he realized he is no longer being pushed by his father

that was something that made me deeply relieved and grateful

Meanwhile A. had some urgent examinations at the clinic

worries about the fourth child

(about whom I heard first this morning)

and I was truly anxious for them 

and relieved when it turned out to be nothing very serious

But I still shed a tear or two later at home

for poor me 

that will never know the joys and anxieties of pregnancy or childbirth

while it seems just so easy for others

unfairly easy if I am honest 

but also: if I am bitter

Bitterness is probably my biggest fear for the future right now

altough maybe I should be more afraid of self-pity

I started reading from this woman

cancer-fighter & left by her husband

by the age of 30

pretty damn shocking

in the best sense possible

Today we had a European CLC meeting online

for the migration network

lovely people and amazing conversations

In the evening we went to the mini wine festival

and from that to a pub

and it felt like being young once again

it's just that I didn't get further than about 20%

in the barista text book

on hope & joy

By God's grace

I am not unable to feel joy 

(or anything else for that matter)

like depressed people are 

(I am told)

it's just that the level to which I default

once the joy is gone

is quite a bit lower than it used to be

also, I am more inclined to take things personally

like L's silence

or the fact that N didn't ask me about hiking (twice)

on therapy yesterday

I could see on the psychologist's face

that she's about to say 

Something Unpleasant

and then she told me that she'd been thinking about my mood

the melancholy, blues, subdued-ness, unmotivation

not alleviating for the last months

and that she thinks I should visit my psychiatrist 

and work out some new medication (or level up this one)

I readily agreed

(I really like this woman

and tend to agree with whatever she says

at least on the spot

but this time I still do)

but according to A.

I will probably get an appointment 

for about 3 months down the calendar 

which sounds bad

I think I shall scale up my dose 

for 2 tablets a day

33% more surely can't do much harm

Meanwhile, the question remains

whether I am going somewhere

or just 

----

I fell asleep here :-)

Today in the morning I've got a text from A.

with my appointment on 23/07

that's just 5 weeks, great

And the end of the sentence

is something like

...keep treading in one spot

needing more and more outside help

it's been a while

The week before last was very busy

from Thursday morning till Saturday afternoon

but I felt surprisingly alive and competent as the head of the registration dept.

(on the running day we organised)

I am also midway through a barista course

trying not to burn the milk while foaming(?) it

The week after the event was spent mostly partying and recouperating

Then yesterday M. came for a flying visit

we went to the old-Kőrössy fish soup place

it had a bit of a date feel to it

putting on a dress

and having someone pick me up by car

even opening its door

the meal was also great

we made some vague plans for meeting next at his new place somewhere near Szent György-hegy

And today it was once again very difficult to get up

I shuffled around whatever I could

making everything less ideal than originally planned, of course

(I didn't go to the 9 o'clock mass with Fr. M.

but the 6pm one nearby

where I feel as if I were in a vacuum

and thus also missed half of an online lecture)

I arrived to A's birthday garden party right for lunch

And then at one point there were 10 kids below 7 years

and it really didn't frustrate me as it used to

it was just plain sad

and very, very distant

even though, as I reflected on the way home,

all sorts of relational statuses(?!) were represented

from single (N.)

through non-marrying & childless (F. & Zs.)

and divorced & childless (me)

to divorced with two kids (K.)

Still, it hurts to think of what my life could have come to

And then at home I listened to what remained

from this lecture-series

and PF spoke about people

"negotiating their new contract with life"

after COVID

and about acceptance meaning

that one opens up to what may come next

and I am nowhere near that

nowhere near

on fantasies

I may have written about this

but maybe I haven't

It's about the fact that I am completely unable

to imagine myself in a romantic relationship 

I can't say that it surprises me

I never had much of a vision or such of myself (say, "in x years I shall be...")

but it is a blank space now

I can't imagine myself with a boyfriend in any situation 

(which was, of course, one of the reasons

for my inadequacy 

when being in public with B.)

Surprisingly, there are one or two pictures in my head

on which I have a child

though for the last days few days it has been

"a mother? Me?! Who am I kidding?!"

again

on the doomstown visits

I wondered here earlier

that these visits later look like

something quite removed from me

it was the same this morning

with sunshine pouring into the room and on my face

like a bad dream

(with some puffy eyes, oh well)

however

yesterday I was more aware of the process

and as tempting as it is to say that 

I have no control/responsibility over my mind these time

it may not be true after all

because I was fully myself when I first thought/felt what I did

and for a long time afterwards

so who can tell where that "line" is

or indeed if it exists

If someone had told me two years ago

that I'll be this poorly now...

I wanted to say I'd have killed myself but of course I wouldn't 

Just like I don't do it know

when I have a pretty good idea on what's ahead

I think it’s about to time to let go.

If I couldn’t help myself in 2.5 years

or in fact, couldn’t even determine to want to help

than the logical next step is to give up

This won’t mean suicide, of course

nor, probably, any radical difference compared to my days so far

but I want to stop struggling finally

because it is just pointless

and seems to make things worse than they may be

should I not care at all 

I guess I am still sure 

God could take my misery away 

but I start having serious doubts 

whether He wants to

There were those times

when every time I left the house

I felt like the chased game

looking left and right 

in the fear of seeing Á (& A) anywhere

Not very good for stress levels

Then it eased a lot

Time, the great healer, and similar bullshit

And then now it’s back

So probably it wasn’t so much me getting better

than the quaranteen times 

when there was almost no chance

to run into anyone on the street 

* sigh *

Maybe I should start working out ways

to make his/their life a living hell

and then they’d move away...

(Maybe this was inspired by today’s short story)

Maybe

I wasn’t exactly right the last time.

Maybe I just don’t take my feelings seriously.

Maybe it started at home—I remember so many times

when my feelings or opinions were brushed off

and maybe now it rubs off on me:

I am unable to validate being sad and hopeless

after two years

nor feeling hurt and forsaken

though I was indeed hurt and forsaken

Why do I keep gaslighting myself

Meanwhile, I am also so grateful

for those few adults that did take me seriously

and listened to me 

(mostly whining, tbh

but than isn’t that such an integral part of teenagerhood?)

mainly men: my high school class master, a Franciscan,

my bassoon teacher,

my university chaplains

You have no idea how much I needed those conversations (weeps)

Sometimes

I still feel that it would have been better

to stop living in March 2019

I am, of course, o.k. with living 

from one day to another

but it doesn't lead anywhere

there is nothing

to get up for in the morning

to be enthusiastic about 

to love more than I do my comfort

There is only this shame and sadness and dispair

that nothing can possibly come

that could make this worthwhile

Meanwhile, writing these down 

doesn't make me feel better

if anything, rather worse

and yet, my need for complaining

gets the better of me again and again

I had yet another in-love dream last night

with yet another unwisely chosen guy

apparently no male aquaintance of mine is safe :-D

(he was the 5th if I remember well)

I also met A. on a playground today

I'm so glad that we are both this committed to meet whenever we can

I learn a lot from and through her

My digestion is still as bad as can be

(meaning virtually nonexistent)

but at least today I bought some fruit & veg

and a summer duvet

on an absolutely uplifting Zoom birthday party

As it is, naturally my whole high school class is turning 40 this year 

(starting last autumn)

and the spouses make the most of it

Last week I sent a letter to B. in Pomáz

he’s supposed to get one for each of the 40 days leading up to his birthday

And now I joined a Zoom party 

for N. in Landau

first we were gathered in smaller groups in a breakout room with her

scheduled so that those who knew each other came for the same half an hour

and then we got all together for a presentation from heaps of pictures

narrateted by her husband, N.

with a lot of humour and even more apparent love

it really was a privilege even to listen to him

(of course I was a bit jealous, too

but not much)

on the dragging days

I feel as though time were slowing down 

nothing distinguishes the days

one flows into the other

and worst of all, they are gone without any trace

like some gel-like substance

in which things are visible but hard to grasp

the resistance is hundredfold

Babies are born in my circles

and I don’t feel much

neither pain nor joy

Come to think of it, the whole feeling-business is 

somewhat dampened these days

I can’t really remember the last time I had some strong feeling

(but it was probably something not-very-nice 

so I better not search too much)

I remember reading somewhere that 

one indicator of being adoption-ready

was that one can speak without crying

of not being able to give birth

I think I got to this point a day after my diagnosis

But I still cry whenever I think 

(let alone speak...)

of the divorce

I guess it's telling

that while writing about the good events of last week

I altogether forgot about

receiving the eligibility certificate for adoption...

I am nowhere nearer to the decision than I've been in January

if anything, probably even farther

But it's valid for 3+1 years so I guess I don't have to rush the discernment

(if only I had some clue where to start...)

By the time I finished the previous post in the afternoon

I started feeling low again

but I cut it off by joining N., J., B., Zs. & F. in the Liget

for a nice talk (N. brought along converation starter questions)

and then B. came over to remake my laptop

which of course didn't quite happen

but at least it has been started 

he left eventually before 10

and then I remembered F. telling some birdwatcher story about Á.

and of course, that was the end of the pleasant time

I wonder if this hatred 

that turns from him & her to myself in minutes every time

will ever leave me

it’s been awhile

I feel somehow strange

that "episode" a week ago left its mark on my mood for a long time

it may have been because

it felt like letting myself down

another disappointment –

back when I strolled in to the psychiatry 

more than 1.5 years ago

I really didn’t expect the connection to last this long

I’ve been looking upon these as a temporary state ever since

to be ignored when I feel better and endured when worse

but maybe this isn’t the right strategy after all

maybe I should aim to learn to navigate them

but for that I would have first 

to accept

that this too shall last

and that feels just too much

Good things happened this week, too, of course

another massage session

a present and a heartfelt letter from my brother via snail mail

a good walk & talk with N.

I’ve got vaccinated and survived (well, this far – AZ)

I had a reading date with myself

on a park bench, with coffee & cakes

and most importantly without my phone

the sun shone a lot

I cleaned up that ugly back corner of the loo

(pretty effortlessly, really, as aunt K. said:

"one day you'll just do it without sweat")

And yet I feel subdued

on Easter alone

This has certainly been

my most pathetic Easter so far*

I was doing o.k. till Good Friday evening

but there it all vanished

and I spent Saturday as well as today mostly playing on my phone

feeling varying levels of self-loathing and -pity

and horrible loneliness

(One highlight there was though

in being alone:

I sang along the Exultet loudly

with the bishop (on YT)

while lying in the bathtub...)

Then this afternoon F. called to inquire after a possible coffee meet-up

and while I was about to change from my pyjamas in his honour,

A. called also, just to chat a bit

and I couldn't help but laugh with her

(besides admiring their parental creativity)

These people save my life again and again

because the times when I needed people most

are also the ones when I am the least able to reach out

just like today

(although I made an effort today 

and arranged the time for our walk with N. tomorrow

about which we've talked a few days ago

but made no solid plan)

* I tried to remember Easters in Cluj but couldn't 

on my excursions to doomstown

Sometimes now

I can look back at these "episodes" and say

"well, my mind wandered off for a walk

to some dark and scary place"

which doesn't help a bit while I am there

but at least makes some sense of it afterwards 

I wonder what happened if

instead of actively ignoring this mild depression

I would try and learn to navigate it

(too bad that would need require energy and interest to invest in :-7)

on sadfishing

Unsurprisingly

not even the cards could solve my life's troubles

so last night I found myself once again

crying myself to sleep

And now I've been up for almost 2 hours

and even went out to the pharmacy 

surely now I am allowed back to bed?

(Although it may be a good idea to 

first put away the food I didn't prepare

in the kitchen)

Getting up is still difficult. 

Bodily, too: for some reason I keep having this <izomláz> almost every morning

regardless of my movements the day before

But mostly mentally

nothing to get up for

nothing worth the bother

I am reminded of P. Arrupe's(?) timeless words:

Nothing is more practical than

finding God, than

falling in Love

in a quite absolute, final way.

What you are in love with,

what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.

It will decide

what will get you out of bed in the morning,

what you do with your evenings,

how you spend your weekends,

what you read, whom you know,

what breaks your heart,

and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in Love, stay in love,

and it will decide everything.

on doubts & assurances

Two more cards came today

(and still at least one on its way)

it's so good to have some hope 

in front of the box every day

I went to my boss's home this afternoon

to have seder supper together

lead via Zoom by another pastor

it was a really nice time

we prepared the table together

and followed the "baptized" liturgy

I was actually glad to be there for once

instead of being at church

the Mass of The Last Supper is still

"too much like a mass"

this form brought it closer to me

and there was also a strong sense of community

Meanwhile tonight something came back

from what we talked about with the psychologist on Monday

about the fact that I can't imagine myself in a romantic relationship

(while now and then I can see myself as a mother, and it surprises me

because I always thought of these 

as marriage being the prerequisite 

for motherhood)

At first I thought it's because men come in all shapes and sizes

and so my mind has a hard time imagining one

but then I had been in romantic relationships

so I should have some idea

(and I haven't had a child so that's "unprecedented")

Later she said that it may be

that as a woman, I suffered such a break

that it blocks me 

while it isn't so much connected to my feelings about motherhood

It's an interesting theory, I can accept it easily

the question is what is there to do

(if anything can be done)

The massage must have been even more of a succes

than I thought

because I fell asleep earlier yesterday than I had for a long time (11:30ish) 

and (after a short pause around 8

which seemed too early to be up on a Sunday) 

went on sleeping till 11:30

But this also means that I am not sleepy tonight

especially since I am harbouring ambivalent feelings about the book club

for a time today I felt that I really should not force my choice of books on all these people

most of whom hated this second one vehemently

this impression was later somewhat mitigated

by a few remarks on how good it is to have the book club

but I am still unsure

I feel that this list provides a good starting point

and if it were just about recommendations

then we couldn't ever decide what to read

but it may well be just plain stunbornness on my part

clinging to my idea

(then again, isn't that the natural way when one has an idea?)

and then, perhaps even more importantly

I have to once again face the fact

that I am hopelessly inadequate in literature

which is still a shame

even if not a novelty

however, I guess I'd better make peace with it

(with myself, to expand the issue a bit(?!) more)

on a much better (socially distant) birthday

I had breakfast with N. on Thursday 

on a bus stop bench, nice and safe

(he had no idea about my birthday

which was cause for a good laugh)

 

I nearly fell asleep on adoration

then gave my other breakfast cookie/cake

to a beggar man in front of the church

then we went to watch buffalloes (and water birds and tiny water creatures :-))

with A. & the three kids

it was good fun

the sun was shining brightly all day long

In two days, not counting the aforementioned breakfast,

I’ve got cake from five people (the last two meant 1 cake, fortunately)

and at least a dozen cards and letters and emails from Tuesday on

so yes, voicing my needs seem to pay off

And today I even had a massage

to ease my pain of touchlessness

along similar lines

I can see a pattern here

upon waking I kind of look forward to the day 

all the things I can accomplish

but by the time I get out of the bed

it starts fading

and by the time I can actually sit down to work, it's gone

Weird, really

I am also more sensitive

to people not wanting/being able to meet me

though it seems I may just have been barking up the wrong trees

because others still seem quite keen

I met A. today for a half hour walk

and got two lovely cards

from Zs. in Fehérvár

and M. in Kecskemét

on losing touch

Today I felt fairly bad still

and couldn't find anyone to complain to

either I know too well how troubled they are already 

or I can't imagine them caring

or to the remaining few I've complained enough by now

but M. called (as an act of penance!)

and that's always good

and even Mum called

and played me Nada te turbe on the recorder (!)

and we had Faith & Light gathering

seriously, how do I dare call myself lonely?!

on this day

Well, it was a rush statement

that it was mostly over

today I woke around 10

had breakfast, amd lay back

till 3 (not sleeping)

then I dressed up

(feeling it too embarrassing to show up in pyjamas, even if only to Cs.)

and went on listening to radio drama

and playing on my phone

up to now.

I also had lunch from the freezer

ate a lot of cocoa powder (the sugary type, of course)

talked on the phone with A.

and on Skype with G. & A.

and learned quite a bit of Dutch.

That was my day.

And meanwhile I've been feeling bad 

for all the stuff I did not do

and also nicely reinforced

in my opinion 

that I am not good for anything.

Last night I talked with the inimitable P. (via Skype)

I cried a lot

but by this morning my doomstown visit was mostly over

I hate to admit but PMS might 

have played a mighty part... 

a shame on me, really, still stuffing my body

with empty carbohydrates

after all these times & experiences

I don't learn a thing

on existential dread

Basically, it comes down to these.

Life does not conform to my ideals.

However, I still cannot (would not) let go of them.

Life’s worth does not depend on its importance or effectiveness

or anything else. It is, therefore its existence is good.

However, I still cannot (would not) let go of my stupid notion 

that because it is not important, effective

or anything else, my life is wothless.

...

I shall try to hold on to that picture

how I could finally imagine the Father holding me

safely

warmly

unconditionally

If anything, this will help me through this.

 

on restlessness

Quaranteen, day 5 (and the last)

cabin fever

horrible state in the flat

(I started binding two long awaiting books

+ decluttering the kitchen closet

while not having vacuumed for a month or so)
and similarly bad state in my head

Last night was nasty

I was up till about 2:30

and spent quite a bit of it weeping

among feelings of use- and prospect-less-ness

I wonder if it is an early onset (?) midlife crisis

[which, I am told by Wikipedia, may not exist at all :-)]

or just the latest aftershock of the whole boring mess

I also exchanged an e-mail with Á. yesterday

having got a demand for payment from the insurance company

the flat’s insurance in on his name

and I asked him around September to cancel it in November

but as it happens, he didn’t

and neither payed the fee due in January

but at least did it now

 

In one way these occasions are useful reality checks

I tend to think that by leaving me, he must have solved all his life’s problems

but alas, at least I wasn’t the reason behind his procrastination

Yesterday I also started reading Modern Love

(the NYT column I desperately avoided till now)

with this piece

and went on today with this

not sure why (apart from the fact that I need to read a short story a day)

it aches

but still I feel drawn to them somehow

on freedom

With CLC on Friday

we talked about freedom

what we cling onto

what we wish we could let go of

and what we really can

I realised 

that my latest addiction is indeed my phone

and what I really can't let go of are my ideals

I am also horribly lonely

and not really good for/at anything

(or maybe I just had too many friends around

with different (and totally deserved) professional successes  

for one week)

I also watched a Danish documentary titled "A Married Couple"

about a young couple:

both the boy and the girl have Down syndrome

and they have a fascinating take on life, the world and everything

in part fully childlike

in part wise as old people

but always totally straight and honest

it was a delight to be part of their life

even if also heartwrenching at times

on going downward again

I'm not sure what happened (if anything)

but yesterday I got back home

from a nice walk&talk with A. and all the kids

feeling that I need a nap

from which I could hardly get up

and then spent the afternoon procrastinating 

and the evening amidst sad thoughts

of not being good for anything

I also practically stopped praying

also without any reason, it just happened

Yesterday my boss told me off for not working nearly enough

he was right, of course

I remembered the last time I was sent away from somewhere because of this

and was very much ashamed

So today I worked like the little angel

and it felt good, too

I hope I can keep up

Also, last night I dreamed of Á.

it was a long and chaotic dream

the situation was the real one

(he with her and I alone)

but we were at peace 

Last week when I came away from the psychologist

I seemed to see him on his bike at a crossroads

I even waved and smiled, in some sort of a daze

only to find when we passed each other that it wasn’t him

that was a peaceful "encounter", too

But I still can’t imagine that there will ever be anything

that would make the whole worthwhile 

on this and that

Lots of nice things happened lately 

I went through the guardianship office (?) phase yesterday

meaning that once I manage to decide, my way to adoption is open

After that, I sat down in the sun on Szent István Square

and at one point, R. appeared

whom I haven't seen for a long time

(maybe since last summer?!)

and we talked for an hour

I sent out a message to a girl last week

a second cousin of Á.

inquiring about the old relations in Transylvania

and she responded so very kindly

it was a joy to read

(besides, everyone is o.k.)

Today we had hamburger for lunch with B.

and sat on the swing bench afterwards

and watched a broadly smiling cocoa farmer in Ghana

telling us about fair trade

on the move

I came home to visit my parents

it's just as easy as it was at Christmas

I'm so glad

Today I drove to Pv.

to visit J. and see their long-built house

it was a great time

conversing about everything

and seeing her at home, with her husband and daughter 

My praying mood is pretty much gone

that's not such a happy thing

and driving was quite stressful

but in general, things are o.k.

Apart from sleep, I guess 

(3:50)

on things on the move

If you've been here for a few months

you won't be surprised

that my silence is a good sign again

I feel generally pretty good:

the name-change, 

the adoption-eligibility process,

the therapy, 

the talk with P. and lately with G.

all moved this and that

and while I still feel a bit unfaithful

to my ideals and "all I hold sacred"

I can sometimes shake it off 

with some vague feeling of 

"heck, I did what I could"

The days are longer, too

and brighter, and warmer

on an accidental(ly witnessed) sunrise

Some more sights like this

and I might even become a morning person

on the good priest

(I mean the proverbial one that learns till death)

Years ago I've got a psychological assessment

that stated (among a lot of other stuff)

that I am an extrovert without any hint of introversion whatsoever

this sounded very strange, given my general love for solitary employments

and occasional aversion towards new and/big groups of people

however, the pandemic is teaching me about myself

namely that can I lack people horribly

days are passing without any meaningful communication

(let alone skin contact...)

and I start feeling that this is what depresses me most

today, before I walked out to the fair,

I thought about asking N. to join me

but she's been working crazy-busy these last weeks

and most people need longer notice anyway

and my ideas get rejected usually anyway

so I couldn't make myself call her

and thus made certain that I won't have company...

It happens all too often

I long for connection but don't do the least for it

Here's to all those who still call me

thank you

on lacking vitality

I so don’t feel like doing anything

despite the wonderfully bright day outside

and the stuff to do inside

it took me a few hours to get out of bed

but back then I was not sad yet, just lazy

after another hour or so I even changed out of my pyjamas

had lunch

tech-supported two friends

listened to this and that

and meanwhile, all my energy left me 

I can’t really imaginge doing anything else than sleeping

however, I’ll make myself walk over to the water tower

and maybe even have a coffee and/or <kürtőskalács>

on being unfaithful

Today I remembered once again

that the fact that I am feeling significantly better than a year ago

proves that I am not faithful to my ideals

on P., the God-sent

Today I finally got to talk to P.

after way too long a time 

(Google Calendar tells me we last met in August!

I seem to remember something from autumn but it's unlikely that I'd have forgotten to put it on the calendar)

and quite a few stones fell off my heart 

[which is, of course, a saying unknown in English]

such a privilege to have someone to talk to

who embodies hope 

and is available on demand

such a grace

on flirtation

A sentence I'd never thought will ever leave 

[I have no idea about the tenses here] 

my mind:

all I wish for is some light flirtation

Troubles are that

it has a bad name (but do read this article or watch the video below it, and tell me that it isn't true!), and that

we know all too well

what became of my similar desire last year...

I could probably do other stuff

to feel more like a woman

like dress up and such

but I can't see anything else 

guaranteeing any instant gratification

people didn't notice my hair cut

and also, I just don't meet people

and stuff like that requires tiresome work

and I am lazy and demotivated

Today was a real drag

I didn’t feel like doing anything

procrastination, sadness, general blahh

However, A. called in the afternoon, and that was nice

and N. also volunteered to listen to me whining

and that helped a bit, too

Maybe I just lack people

BUT

I joined the Imagine prayer once again tonight

(after many missed sessions)

and it was lovely

I was reminded that the prophetess Anna’s life 

hadn’t quite gone the way she may have imagined

(being a wife for 7 and then a widow for about 50 years?!)

and yet she remained faithful

as was God, in all that (and "all that" of the Jews’ history)

In the end I even said hello to Steve H.

who seemed to be able to place me even after these 12 years

(I put JVC in the chatbox before but still)

and that felt realy nice, too

on daydreaming

Tonight I watched a lovely lecture

on designing a joyful home

and it started with imagining 

what you'd like your home to feel like

A week ago on CLC we worked with our dreams, too

And both times I had this disconcerting feeling

that I am hardly in touch with my dreams or desires

I could list a few dreams I had or maybe even have somewhere deep

but I have a very hard time trying to imagine them

and to imagine myself in them

I was never very good at fantasising

but I can't remember it being this hard

---

And there is something else, too

I feel as though I've used up all my faith in 2019

it kept me going, alive, and relatively sane back then

but it never replenished

and by now all my wheels and cogs are screeching

Looking back, the previous two weeks or so

were much like a crash course in self-kowledge...

I went ahead and swapped back my name

first at at the registrar

then online

and even started the official turns

I spent days munching on (or, well, procrastinating) the adoption papers

figured out why I was resisting it all so vehemently

(because I felt trapped by the circumstances)

and dodged this (by making sure that

I shall not be recommended a child until

I showed up with a very clear sign saying READY)

I filled in an MMPI (2-RF)

and spent an hour in a very good conversation with a psychologist

(who seemed quite certain that I am capable of the task ahead)

talked at length with a rarely-seen friend 

over lunch and coffee

had my hair cut

and my colour type analysed

dealt with unexpected news, 

reached out to someone I hardly know,

had the privilege of a vulnerable reply

and confessed myself an impostor

And on the less taxing side:

(besides these) in two weeks I attended 

an online retreat 

two delightful evenings of this little reading group

the first two of four Love Anyway workshops

two CLC gatherings

and the first sitting of my brand new book club

 

I am exhausted

but in that good, expectant way

on being an impostor

I think I have never felt this horrible this way

Today someone sent me a heartfelt thank you note

for something I’d done for a common friend

for entirely different, and indeed very selfish reasons

I considered confessing

but the nature of the case makes it impossible

And so now I am left with this gut-wrenching guilt

for abusing someone’s high regard for me

without a way out into honesty

(But at least it lead me to some very honest prayers)

on being a true winter

These, my friends, 

are the colours that suit me best

and alas, I used to wear many of them

in high school and on the university

Mum always steered me towards these, too

but at present it feels way too bold and bright and happy and devil-may-care

we'll see, we'll see

how long the "new year, new me" feel will last

The analysis was absolutely fun

I can only recommend it (and E. M.)

I hope the know-thyself part will be, too

a bit of experimenting 

probably wouldn't hurt

on the first bookclub session

I hereby declare the event a success

it wasn’t overly structured

and of course the book 

was one that hardly leaves anyone cold (The Bell Jar)

but still, ten people came together

and were quite active

had lots of opinions

and lots of fun

so yes, I imagined something like this

this far, I am happy

on L., again

The night before last
L. turned up in my dream again

we visited some zoo with a bunch of friends

chatting in English

up to the point of farewell

on which occasion L. chose to say a few sentences 

in close-to-perfect Hungarian

(and we hugged each other

as if it were the most natural thing in the world)

I can’t recall what he said

but it was certainly something nice

I had this vague warm feeling from the dream the whole day long

This morning I told him via WhatsApp

(well, except for the hugging part)

he laughed

and we started chatting as we didn’t lately

and at one point it turned out that he and S. broke up

which shook me

because they did look great

in fact the last (and only) reference 

I ever heard from L. to their relationship

was that it was "strong and healthy"

But then that was 1.5 years ago 

It’s a great pity on so many levels

the most practical being that 

I really hoped and wished to one day see their children

(keeping in mind that that may not have been their plan)

I obviously know nothing more

and will never, by all chances

but the metaphisical anxiety 

that every break-up makes me feel

is present nevertheless

on coming out

On Sunday I told two sets of people

about the name-reboot

and my intention to get a new adoption-eligibility paper

somehow both conversations 

turned to the dissolving of the sacramental marriage 

and eventually, I think, none of the 6 people said a single word

to the adoption part

Today I invited P. over for lunch

(he was there on Sunday)

and he told me that A. 

(whom she had told with my explicit permission)

"was glad for the news"

thinking that it was some 

forward-looking action on my part finally

I came home Sunday evening with serious doubts as to 

how good an idea it was 

to tell the second set of people

there and then

the mood certainly wasn’t one for deep talk

but then I was burning to tell them 

(at least the first part but someone inevitably asked the "why now")

Anyway, as time goes by, I feel less and less sure

about how good an idea the whole thing is

I procrastinated filling in the questionaire

(meaning that I couldn’t watch the online film club’s choice either)

and I still had to write the CV but I feel unable to do it

I wonder if the silence of my people contributed to it

or if it is my better judgement speaking from the depths

Funnily enough

my not-even-admitted-to-myself 

desires for intimacy

find a way to expression

in my dreams

and usually with the least appropriate people

there was a friend once whose girlfriend witnessed our spiralling madness

than a priest

and this time someone about twenty years my junior

(which at least is not downright immoral)

we were classmates(!) at some remote boarding school for acting(!!)

and I kept carrying a huge backpack

that was so heavy I could barely stand under its weight

there was also a huge waste disposal plant nearby

and once I sat in a (clean) garbage container

and was suddenly let lose as in a cable car

to rush towards its destination 

(a growing wall of trash as I remember now)

my life preserving instinct was awakened immedialtely

I held on to the rail as I could

than read the instructions on a sticker inside

showing how the container is not turned upside down in the end

and so it was

when I got back, the operator told me she did it on purpose

with some personal developmental experience in mind

though I can't recollect what exactly

on the weekend (more or less)

Yesterday I went for a hike

back from M. on the dam

no struggle with the elements this year

(two years ago snow actually froze on the front of our coats)

the weather was much like it was in 2017

2-3 degrees, I guess

obviously, there were other differences, too

back than we did it with Á.

and in 2018 with a bunch of friends

in the frame of an organised hike

whereas I was in my own now

except for my ever-obliging demons

I put away the phone for quite a while

and thought a lot 

though not very introspectivly

still, a few things cleared out a bit

like The Word

which is, without any doubt whatsoever

S P A C I O U S N E S S

I also tried to come up with ways to cultivate spaciousness*

such as

- taking walks

- climbing whatever I can for the view

- sky gazing from the balcony, maybe even in the morning

- leaving margins between stuff in my calendar

- getting up early (<ráérős> is in fact a close ralative of <tágas> in my mind)

- decluttering

- widening my heart for people and causes that have not interested me this far

- or doing the same with ideas

I also thought about lots of other issues

which will come up here, too, sooner or later

but which for now I'd rather keep secret

At home I lay down in the bathtub

very tired and very content

---

* Any input from you is welcome!

In the morning we had a looong work meeting

I didn’t quite get it all but it was o.k.

Before that I went to run a wee bit

the idea was that starting all over with that great plan 

might just get me hooked again

if it could once 

and alas, it turns out that I am nowhere near my peak fitness either

so starting from the beginning was indeed a good idea

I’ll see if I go again though

I am not very committed yet

(also, just saying I will makes me feel exhausted)

I spent the afternoon in a daze 

mostly from the lack of sleep, I guess

I procrastinated all I had to do

lost all my energy or mood to anything

couldn’t even get to watch tonight’s film (Groundhog Day)

and now I think I’ll try to sleep

and hopefully get up early enough tomorrow

to finish what I still have to

on searching, pt 3

The process has got into a very intuitive state
unsurprisingly, I am at a loss

I am inclined towards the passive an inward-focussed words

(like heart, ease, acceptance, safe, healing, gentleness, self-compassion)

but then I may just as well need activity and getting out of my head

(like flow, yes, real, or vitality would suggest)

and then there are the ones encompassing a lot:

spaciousness, whole, flow, embrace...

Anyway, no rush, I can easily sit a few more days with these

Today I finally tidied up and hoovered

(I had to, we’re going to have a work meeting here tomorrow)

(even washed my hair!)

which reminded me how naïve a hope it was

all through summer

that tidying up will be the breakthrough

I guess there is no breakthrough

or only in the wrong direction: 

trauma can work its destruction in a couple of days

but healing takes ages

on searching for The Word, pt 2

These are the ones I am pondering currently 
(note esp. the conflicting ones :-)):

• laughter
• vitality
• hope
• spaciousness
• ease 
• whole
• heart
• acceptance
• surrender
• restore
• flow
• wander
• yes
• safe
• wild
• real
• adventure
• healing
• gentleness
• (self-)compassion

 

on searching for The Word

Old habits are hard to kill, I guess

even amidst all the hopelessness

I found myself wondering about some motto for the year

(or, say, for the first half of it)

and so now I get an e-mail a day to help with the process 

Yesterday’s was about visualising my ideal day

as well as the general questions of

"What do I need more/less of?"

I thought I might as well scribble here 

a few key words that came up.

More: 

laughter

prayer

movement (inside and out)

energy/vitality

enthusiasm

contentment

hope

faith

creating

nature

femininity

spaciousness

intimacy

Less:

self-pity

distraction

numbness

laziness

sluggishness

despair

isolating

grinding effort

carbohydrates :-D

--------

Today’s questions are these:


— What is definitely happening in 2021?

?

— What are you hoping will happen in 2021?

...?
I should definitely take steps
toward annulling the church marriage

— What dreams would you like to nurture in the new year?

Still no idea...

— What area(s) of your life is/are asking to be supported in 2021?

Spirituality

mental health

bodily health (mostly in terms of prevention)

— What qualities do you want to develop in yourself?

Risk-taking

femininity

"flowiness" (like water: flowing around the obstacles

instead of fist-fighting them)

— What does your heart need?

Self-compassion
honest self-examination