on restlessness

Quaranteen, day 5 (and the last)

cabin fever

horrible state in the flat

(I started binding two long awaiting books

+ decluttering the kitchen closet

while not having vacuumed for a month or so)
and similarly bad state in my head

Last night was nasty

I was up till about 2:30

and spent quite a bit of it weeping

among feelings of use- and prospect-less-ness

I wonder if it is an early onset (?) midlife crisis

[which, I am told by Wikipedia, may not exist at all :-)]

or just the latest aftershock of the whole boring mess

I also exchanged an e-mail with Á. yesterday

having got a demand for payment from the insurance company

the flat’s insurance in on his name

and I asked him around September to cancel it in November

but as it happens, he didn’t

and neither payed the fee due in January

but at least did it now

 

In one way these occasions are useful reality checks

I tend to think that by leaving me, he must have solved all his life’s problems

but alas, at least I wasn’t the reason behind his procrastination

Yesterday I also started reading Modern Love

(the NYT column I desperately avoided till now)

with this piece

and went on today with this

not sure why (apart from the fact that I need to read a short story a day)

it aches

but still I feel drawn to them somehow