drunk blogging

Actually it's not true

there is only one <kisfröccs> in me

that hardly qualifies for drunkenness

yet the familiar melancholy sat on my mind

and it brought up the same desire

for some mild flirtation

just so I could feel someone

pretty much anyone, really

being interested in me

just so I could feel like a woman once again

I started thinking whether I could conjure up a conversation with anyone

(this would be the "drunk texting" angle)

but alas, I don't think there were anyone 

up for this kind of a thing

(apart from B. who, for obvious reasons, has been disqualified)

And here I need to add what I 

happened to write to S. the other day

about my travel plan back from the French Alps:

...ended up having half a day in Bern, visiting L. :-) Now this poses some danger to my peace of mind (you may recall that I had fallen for him back while he was here and though that was a long time ago, my current loneliness makes me kind of vulnerable to my imagination) but it appeals very much to the side of me that wants to live adventurously. :-) I think basically I need to keep my expectations at bay, and then nothing bad can happen.

We'll see...

hello darkness, my old friend

Back to my favourite complaining place

because things are getting harder once again

The triggers are pretty clear (for all that's worth)

about two weeks ago I ran into A. 

in an online prayer session

and scheduled a video call right away

she's fine

still in London, working as a mental health nurse, and deliberately and happily single

however, she told me T. is in Australia

with some girl

and so I came to know that they too have divorced with E.

which came as a shock

And then Zs. is head over heals in love

with a woman who is in another relationship

(with some abisive guy, naturally)

but they are SO HAPPY

and apparently so should I be for them

but I am not, I could shout at him

that the definition of betrayal 

has absolutely nothing to do 

with whether we know or like the betrayed one

However, none of these prepared me

for the case when I broke off in tears on the playground 

after a question from A. 

about my feelings towards the idea of a romantic relationship

Apparently I am still very far from being healed

and I am also slowly facing the fact

that I have no idea about the possible ground to the annullation of the marriage

indeed I fear that there may not be any

and that would equal to being buried alive

even as I can't imagine myself remarrying

(And then N. told me that her boyfriend broke off with her

and so she is totally heartbroken, too)