I am climbing out of my latest rut, it seems
(no expectations, no naivite this time)

I went to Faith & Light meeting today
so many lovely people
J. thanked me saying that "she can count on me"
which was quite surprising
but nice

Oh, and I also managed to piece together
the armchair from my brother's attic
it took way more than it should have
(incl. two(!) visits to the screw shop)
it's nice and comfortable, and finally ready, of course
it's just that I did have some other plans for this morning, too
and was frustrated by my inability to do it more efficiently
(I will probably never become a DIY diva
try as I may)

And M. called the other day
and we decided that if I don't get to Bp. sooner
than he'll travel to me to toast our birthdays
(his is on the 29th)
it's nice to meet him for the third time in half a year
after about ten years with a, say, twice-in-three-years average

on recent times

The party a week ago was great
not too long but pretty intense
P. could have made me a bit happier
by tailoring the texts to the occasion
but then again, with all the toddlers around,
it's more than understandable that he did not
venture into anything fancy.
Milk rice was a great idea of F.
and most of the pumpkin soup was gone by the end, too.

Since then not much happened
I've got paid after the first two weeks of the electrode-painting
I've been to M. to soak a bit more in the lovely hot water
Dad sent me a heap of money unexpectedly
I've spent another good evening with B. at Jazz
had a long (3 hour-ish) walk with Sz.
bought a pair of running-proof earbuds

And yesterday I released this idea
into the virtual wilderness
so far the experiment is kind of successful
(though the first naysayers also showed up)

on feeling torpid

I called together a house-blessing (?) liturgy and party for tonight
spent most of yesterday with the preparations
there will be a full house, even to overflow
and this morning I had to admit to myself that
even party preparation is a lot more fun
and a lot less stress
if one isn’t alone in it
there is a lot more to do
I will be exhausted by the start of it
(and I better not think of the washing up yet
that will take up most of Friday morning)

I also regret all the nervousness
I ever felt and showed towards Á.
in similar circumstances

Why do I inevitably come to a point
to resent all my endeavors
every time I set out for something
just a bit beyond my comfort zone?

on today

It feels as though my soul has died in me
and whether my body follows
is not even very important any longer
(in reality it is, of course,
because of the finality factor)

Today we made lists on therapy
on the good and bad things we've got from our parents
with the aim of helping in our romantic relationships
only one girl got to talk
but it was quite interesting
I wonder what will be in it for me

I spent the rest of the day painting electrodes
a surprisingly rewarding activity
(not just paywise: it feels good
to have something come out of my hand
and watch the finished stuff
take up more and more space on the shelves)

And then we went to Makó
for bathing in the ever-hot waters
with F. and Zs.
in their new car.
Even their life is moving.

on (the lack of) willpower

Last evening I was in utter despair
again
not sure how it started
but I wound myself up to suicidal thoughts pretty quickly
spent the mass crying
and then a bit on the way home
soaking in self-pity
(you, my lord, if you have no servant...)
then read the email of Sr. A.
telling me straight that the idea of my uselessness is a temptation
Satan's trying to grab hold of me
(I thought about replying to her that
he has indeed succeeded in this attempt...)
and that sobered me up
along with my period... which also meant that it was
a particularly bad case of PMS
confirming my previous experience
on how vast amounts of sugar
wreak havoc in my hormonal system
and yet (and here I finally come to the title)
since January I am unable to exercise any constraint
it feels as though moving home has depleted all my reserves of willpower.
And also, becoming fat is something
for which I can loathe myself even more.

on a new source of joy

Cooking makes me happy.
The pleasure is immeasure
ably greater if there are
other people around to share it
(like A. and N. today for my
"cheap and cheerful" chicken risotto)
but the making, the creating part
is in fact much the same
even if it's just me.
It may be time to start
inviting people over for dinner
something I so wanted to do
probably since high school.

on the shrinking comfort zone

There is a new greengrocer(y?) just around the corner
I’ve been planning to go for some time now
and yet today I had to make a conscious effort
not to walk past it
to the usual one, even if it’s quite a bit farther.
It’s a bit scary
to watch myself losing ground so much.

Then I went into some cleaning spree at home
hoovered the inside of the convectors
and the pantry window
(which is in a horrible condition
but I better don’t go into much thinking about that)

I also had a go with my childhood-favorite dessert
bundás alma
it turned out nowhere near my grandmother’s, naturally
but still pretty tasty
(and I’ve got some insight for the next try)

on cluelessness

Today's therapy session was about
our well-made decisions from the past.
I talked about how I got to apply
for Hungarian major
(as well as the previously agreed-on German)
and also a bit about how clueless I was
at the university.
I was told how much I improved
because, see, apparently now
I am able to view
any situation from any angle,
to analyze it, and
generally how sharp I am.
I may have had to tell them how
utterly clue- and hopeless I am
on the jobmarket-battlefield...
but I didn't.
I'm getting better at faking, it seems.

on energy levels

I'm pretty low on energy these days
not really surprisingly
(but somehow I've only noticed it recently)
I crave carbohydrates
(a side-effect to my medicine, too
but I seem to be able to differentiate between cravings by now
and it feels a bit differently--
or maybe I just make that up for a handy excuse ("I need this")
which nevertheless is not true
for I do get fatter and fatter)
and also can't imagine a day without
lying in the tub
so far so
that if I know it'll be late by the time I get home
I lie in it any time during the day
without hesitation

I guess I'm at least as much affected
by the weather
and the general end-of-winter state of things
than by something depression-like
but it's still far from pleasant

(I actually have 6 tickets
to the beautiful Hagymatikum
where the water doesn't get cold and
I have all the time in the world
what I lack is only
money for the bus)

on saying yes

There was that principle I came across with
a while ago
on a possible way to more joyful parenting:
“I say yes
unless there is a compelling reason
to say no.”
It's quite amazing how slowly I learn
but today it just dawned on me
that I want to live my own life
this way.

It probably came
from a place of utter sillyness
which nevertheless felt fabulous
and even earned me the compliment of
“why u so fun? stop it!”
(and then of course
from what I learned today
the hard way).

on not daring greatly

I watched Brené Brown on Netflix
just yesterday
and yet when the time came today
to put her ideas into practice
I did not

And now the moment has passed
and even if it wasn’t anything
big or important
I feel like I’ve let myself down
and missed a chance

Breathe in
breathe out
let it be

on snakes and ladders

It feels as if I slid back about fifteen years
single and clueless about work (back then: study)
but unfortunately without the youthful vigour
to do foolish but fun things
or the endless possibilities
that laid ahead of me back then

It feels like losing my grip on life
whatever that may be
(the Buddhists would probably tell me
to go on this way
but to me) it feels
quite simply
like
losing

on being rejected again

Based on my test results
I was not hired by the translation agency.*
I am not happy.
And yet, it kind of directs me back
towards my original plan
I should just somehow survive until then
and that does not look quite so trivial a task
at this moment

-----
* And that brings us to a total of
3 job rejections +
1 finalised divorce paper
this week.

on unrequited love

Oddly enough, admittedly
on some level
I still miss L.
(Written on 4th Feb, the rest of this post has been edited out, sorry. :-))
And then today I ran into this article (scroll to the bottom for video format)
and it made me so happy.

It is just the mind, a very complicated machine,
constrained by the narrowness of existence,
turning its wheels,
tantalised by a vision of happiness
and sensing,
quite rightly and quite hopelessly,
that there could have been so much more to life
than there ever will be.

on a night out

Last night I went to Jazz with B.
drank way too much wine
and had a great time with
laughter and transparency and
sharing and zen and work and
adulthood and
man- and womanhood and
horrible dizziness towards the end :-)

I basically collapsed into bed back home
and now I am quite surprised
not to have a hangover at all
(though I almost never have—
why then am I always this surprised?)

on a job interview

...that I actually enjoyed!
(I wonder if the tranquilizer has helped in that...)

The talking part was o.k.
quite generic questions, nothing very unexpected
and then there was a test
consisting of three parts:

• correcting a Hungarian text;
• writing recommendations and requesting correction from the translator of another (here I had both the English source and the Hungarian translation);
• and finally checking a translation from English to Norwegian :-) (that meant proper nouns, numbers, punctuation, formatting mostly).

Looking forward to hearing of them 

though it won’t be till the end of February

because there are lots of people still to be interviewed 

(fortunately not only for this placement).

(Meanwhile I’ve also got an unsurprising rejection 

from the school library on the corner.)

on mental health

Later I watched this TED playlist
noted once again that I am not depressed
(whether or not there’s a “yet” remains to be seen)
and even cried a bit over some talks

I also admitted to myself once again
that neither medication nor therapy will heal me
it’ll either be that I find some purpose to my life
or it won’t happen

But that’s still way beyond my capacity
at present it’s still the question of  “to think or not to think”
because if I do think
then there is only despair