on doing what must be done

A minute ago
I finally sent out two
highly important and
very long procrastinated e-mails:
to the state child protection authority
and the foundation where we were on hold in the adoption queue.
On Monday they'll wipe out our data from their systems
maybe sigh
and go on.

While my heart breaks once again
as I once again must face the hard fact that
motherhood eludes me
quite possibly for forever.

And I am very much tempted to start thinking
what I must have done so utterly, so irreparably wrong
to deserve this
but then of course life just doesn't work this way
the very question is unreasonable
ridiculous in fact

if only I wasn't sobbing.

on the power of community

Last night on CLC

almost everyone was more or less discouraged 

by the retreat

or by life in general.

É. is in a more depressed period again

and I was pretty much as low as ever.

She told us about the mess in her flat 

that prevents her from cooking or just doing everyday stuff

I told them about the job-case

and cried quite a bit

(which may cleanse my psyche but certainly not my glasses :D)

the others listened attentively and compassionately 

as always.

Then we had one more round to reflect on what we heard.

And at that point, people stepped in

not only with words that built us both up

but also with practical suggestions 

which by God's grace were totally well aimed

so in the end we decided to go and help É. tidy up her flat for Christmas

and I promised them to hand in my application by Monday.

We even laughed out loud a bit

on J.'s vivid telling of unexpected visitors

(may God be merciful to them,

especially if they happen to open a shut door to peep in!).

We all declared to be relieved and grateful in the end. And I came home more hopeful than I had been for a good week or so.

on feeling paralysed

The idea of the job application 

sends me into some sort of a frozen state

quite bizarre and a bit scary

obviously I have nothing to lose

(apart from having to live in with the shame of yet another bad interview

but that isn't a very public thing either)

and quite a bit to gain

I couldn't say a single other job for which I had more skill

and yet, there seems no way to make myself do the application.

The other thing igniting similar resistance is running

though in that there would seem to be even less risk

but remaining alone with my mind

is impossible at present.

Maybe I could try to listen to an audio book

but I'm not sure how the headphones would work for running

and of course I am plain lazy, as well.

Which reminds me of a walk and chat

with F. last evening 

in drizzling rain and correspondingly despondent mood

he told me at one point that

even though he hates his current workplace

maybe it wouldn't be much better anywhere else either

he may just be lazy

and it felt good to hear that from someone else

for I've long suspected it about myself

but never really admitted it

we were basically commiserating

over our own lives 

as well as the state of the world 

but there was something reassuring in it nevertheless.

And this morning, in proper rain

we attended a Fridays for Future demonstration with A.

we weren't more than fifty people

but still I'm glad I made it this time.

In half an hour I'll have to be off for CLC

which is always a blessing

and a huge energy surge

and yet I hardly feel up to get out of this armchair 

this is temptation indeed

and I won't give in

even if I did give in to sweets today.

on a difficult morning

I was about to write that

if this isn't depression than I don't know what is

but then of course I don't

it's just what I imagine it to be

not wanting to get out of bed

(preferably ever again)

and silently weeping in despair

and feeling totally, irreparably broken.

(All these after half a tranquilizer.

I actually had a look at its LD50 limit

but it's way higher than the half bottle I have at hand, fortunately.)

I was once again conceited about my progress

time to accept that

no matter how strong I hold on

to my hair

I can't pull myself out of this.

(Not much after these the medicine kicked in

I slept an hour or so more

and was stunned for at least an hour more

doing everything half-pace

but at least not crying.)

(I've lost a post draft on the Blogger app

for about the third time

I really have to write them as notes at first.)

Today I signed the "gifting contract"

so the flat's officially mine

but of course it comes with no good feeling

relief or anything like that.

After that I sat at a café with Z.

whom I've known for ages

but we were never close

it was a good conversation 

not too deep, not too shallow

I'd happily spend a few days with their family, too

and maybe I will in December.

After that I helped Sz. moving house

I put stuff in boxes, basically 

and wondered how easily I can get rid of stuff

compared to so many people.

After choir practice the chorus-master told me

that she hears about many men nowadays 

leaving their wives and children for workplace lovers

I'm not sure what I ought to think or feel

but probably there really is some zeitgeist-y in it.

I am no unique snowflake.

I walked part of the way home

(my bus left two minutes early)

with a Methodist girl, O.

with whom I sympathised from the first practice 

but there never was a chance to get to know each other better

and so I shared quite a bit of my troubles

and she was very kind and interested.

I'm grateful for this encounter

and hope she'll share a bit of herself, too

at some later occasion.

on this and that

I was told last night 

(jokingly)

that I am no fun

I replied that I know

that's why I am being divorced

this killed the playfulness of the conversation, naturally

though meanwhile I read the reply that I will be fun

indicating that this is seen as a temporary state

but was I ever much fun, I wonder

the person I would want to hang out with...?

(Maybe the key is that it's not me who has to want to.)

Meanwhile

I am sinking into misery again

I contemplate getting back on the medications 

maybe I shouldn't have left them off

but no use crying over spilled milk
I remember telling someone in the beginning (as I left them off)
that I want to remain free to use them if need be
but by now it feels like yet another failure
maybe I shouldn't have told so many people about it
but no use crying over spilled milk.

Or maybe I should adopt the mindset of the good social worker:
if our homeless friend has had a home for two months 

than we shall celebrate that.

***
I bought a cardigan yesterday

fast fashion but at least made of recycled PE :-)
black

every now and then I can almost feel the desire rising in me

to start wearing a slightly more varied set of clothes

(I found myself indulging in fantasies on the therapy group finding me in a skirt one unassuming Tuesday morning...)

and yet

I grew accustomed to this outfit

and it somehow grew on me
in a way that's both comfortable and a bit too tight at the same time
the idea of changing into something else feels daunting
and useless anyway
since all's the same

and there's no reason to appear pretty any more.

Meanwhile
of course I know, too
that what I wear affects how I feel
and yet
and yet.

***
The everyday retreat has a chunk of
mindful, contemplative prayer prescribed in it for each day
and that does not help me at present
I freaked out in this time every day since Monday
so I won't do it.
Which is sad because it is a really promising material
just not for me, for now. It's o.k.

***
But
there is something really happifying going on, too
yesterday we started a joint gratitude list on Messenger with S.
(I'll use initials from now on, it seems easier than describing people :-))
the goal is a hundred by next Tuesday
I mostly wanted to give momentum to some shift of attitude on my side
and maybe some boost of morale for him
what I didn't anticipate is

how much joy

I derive from
his entries, too.

on holes and abysses

for a change

(and to give a bit of rest from myself to my brother and sister-in-law)

I am sleeping on a friend's couch

only I'm not sure how much sleep there will be in it

at present I'm closer to crying than to sleeping

that's been this way for days now (of course not always with sleep on the other side)

I am just as unstable as I was

as if nothing would ever change

the acquaintance I was listening to back on Thursday 

was very glad about it

she told me today that she doesn't know what I did to her or how I listened

but she was all right for days to come

that's a compliment indeed 

especially under circumstances like these

but somehow I can't rejoice

I still haven't done the job application 

I still feel like a failure in pretty much everything

all I want is to curl up in a small ball

and roll as far as I can

until somewhere 

I just happen to fall down

into some bottomless abyss

which reminds me of the other thing about which I wanted to write here

I found a black hole somewhere deep inside

it started as a slightly worrying realisation 

namely that 

given the right circumstances 

I could fall in love with

any of a couple of unsuitable candidates

but it may be even worse

I fear it could be

almost any man

and in almost no time

it sometimes feels like one long, deliberate action of agere contra

but if it stays like this (or gets worse)

I'm sure I'll get tired

and bored

and just jump head-first 

at one chance 

at one point

I must find reassurance 

in other relationships 

and maybe also some quite apart from people (is that even possible?)

(Anyway, I slept a lot better than expected!) 

on anxiety

I have to finally face the fact

that it isn't over

(yet? ever?)

my whole inside is being squeezed

almost every time when I stop to notice

and not stopping isn't really the best solution, I'm afraid

however happily I tend to choose it.

Bad thoughts (though not the suicidal type) are attacking again

this will be a difficult Advent

(was I seriously thinking it won't?)

And yet

what else is there to do

than to

carry on

and 

hope 

as 

long 

as 

I

breathe
?

on sleep (or lack thereof)

It's nothing serious (yet?)
but annoying nevertheless:
after months of sleeping happily around 10pm
now I am up till midnight or 1am
every night.

Still, medication doesn't feel right
moving more outside during the day would surely do wonders
on more than one level
(if only I weren't this lazy...)
and maybe some structure to my days.

Our Advent ”retreat in everyday life” starts tomorrow
that could provide me with a frame, I guess.

And maybe, just maybe
I could try keeping my phone out of reach for the night, too...
The Headspace sleep meditations are fabulous
but probably I should just start one through the headphones
and put away the phone.
Hmm, writing sharpens my mind considerably...

(I also have to get up to pee quite a few times nightly
I'd be very much surprised if it had to do with my blood sugar
but I'll look into it this week, since I have no other idea either.)

on motorcycling

Apparently I am more of an adrenaline seeker

than I knew (or admitted).

Speeding

on a vehicle that has no box around

feels pretty amazing

(quite draughty, undeniably

but even that was o.k. on the back seat).

(Why then, I wonder

did I hate that roller coaster so heartily? 

Maybe because of the physical stuff

all my organs spinning and churning.

Or because it was downright scary?)

I wonder also

whether the thought that

should anything go awry

I'll die on the spot

adds to the thrill.

It probably does.

And there is one more thing.

The moment I change into the gear

I change into someone else...

I become barely recognisable 

while also turn into

"a motorcyclist"

who (in my mind) is (supposed to be)

a badass

(or a roughneck / larrikin, as Google Translate tells me).

And that's cool, even if the change 

really only happens in my mind.

on excitement

Tomorrow shall be Motorcycling Day

the second

and the first was such great fun

that I am almost giddy with excitement. 

Should I tone down my expectations? 

Oh but I won't.

Road, here I come, woo-hoo!

on PMS and No Sugar November

On PMS most everything was said before me by the amazing nesztelencsiga.

Now it turns out yet again that my moodiness in the previous days
was (at least in part) due to this
but the No Sugar November is yielding evidence that
besides most of those daily mood swings of mine balancing out
PMS also hits me a lot less
this way.

And that is definitely something to be remembered when cravings hit
(as they still do when I am particularly needy emotionally
or just plain tired to death).

on a lot brighter day

The sun shone today.

I spent a good 1.5 hour at an electronics store with an acquaintance that was looking for a washing machine

and some more time later listening to her troubles

nice to see that I haven't entirely lost that ability

I lost my hat though

on the bus to the store 

(yes, the German one)

I talked to a friend later

it turned out great

(not sure what I was afraid of)

I watered the plants at home

and took some board games

to yet another friend

at whose place the pub quiz group

had a good game night

under the pretence of having to drink that wine

we won at one point back in the previous season.

I took a bottle of champagne as well

which was gone off

a very odd development from a bottle of champagne, as far as I can tell

but this was by far the best company for it to turn out. 

on an odd day

This was a particularly dark, gray and wet day.

In the morning I became a bit angry with a friend

and I wasn't quite right, as it quickly turned out

so I apologised

and then she told me she doesn't want to see me ever again

(not so much for this but for deeper and longer-building resentment).

Around noon I crossed a street 

too close in front of a car

and I was on the other side by the time I realised

that my brain only registered the car behind the first one

they were both silver coloured

but the second one had its lights on.

I had lunch at a friend's house

along with their two lovely children

and I am still unable to cope with their questions on my marital status
(or my husband, the now ex, who also happens to be the godfather of the boy)

I wonder if I ever will.

In the evening I told my niece off 

(after about three days of not doing it)

she's just behaving horribly

entitled to everything and not owing anybody anything, ever

and I know that 15 is the proper age for this

but that doesn't make it much easier to bear.

On choir practice people were tired and headache-y

it's because of the weather, was the verdict.

And after that my friend called me laughingly,

and told me that the incident in the morning
may or may not have been connected
to her period.

on job applications

A confession:
I've never got employed by any organisation
where there was a proper recruitment procedure
(unless someone there knew me beforehand).

By now, I simply hate
to put all the effort in a CV and especially a ”motivational letter”
because meanwhile
I inevitably get excited about the job
only to fail at any in-person examination.

All for nothing,
all for yet another rejection.

(I know it sounds like a stupid generalisation
but alas, there is more than enough data to back it.)

Anyway, being up late doesn't improve my mental health,
so off to bed for tonight
and let tomorrow worry for itself.

on feeling rejected and dejected

Yet another discovery:
I, too, am prone to take offence at
and end up resisting and resenting
any outside expectation
be it explicit or implicit
especially if it is about ”moving on”

on that I claim to be the only judge.

Meanwhile, my newest fascination: Intrigue on BBC Radio4.
Tunnel 29 was about a bunch of brave people who dug a tunnel under the Berlin Wall;
and The Missing Cryptoqueen about the OneCoin fraud.

on a weekend of doing nothing

or just a bit, like watering at home

my plants actually seem happier without me than they were with me

there may be an allegory here but I'd rather not go on exploring it

I'll still have to make a few photos of the double bed frame

since the girl who promised to buy it never came back for it (or answered to my enquiries...)

I was so tired by Friday afternoon that I skipped CLC

which is never a good thing

I need them very much, always

I was also dead impatient with the kids

they were just sooo loud the whole evening...

in fact they were happy to oblige me once I told them that I'm horribly tired

they just couldn't keep silent

(in the end I set a timer for 10 relished minutes, and let go afterwards

they calmed down a bit meanwhile, too)

but then maybe it was because of that cold I caught back in Germany

and never quite "laid out"

also, sleep isn't quite what it ought to be

I wake up several times each night to pee

and then am thirsty again

not very good, though not very bad either

I also got finally round to send out that "circular"

and got a few very kind replies again

I sometimes smile at 

how much goodness

my sufferings let loose in my friends

if only I could ever repay them

(but that's no worry, God shall)

on nothing in particular

I wrote a quite hopeful "circular" last night

then had "one of them moments"

when it all just turns black in a few seconds

but I somehow managed to mold those feelings into words

and quite quickly they lost from their power.

The other day I thought again

of that psychiatrist (#2, the decent one)

that warned me not to think about myself as somebody mentally ill

for neither anyone in my family nor I have any history of it.

I was glad for that remark

of course

but isn't it also a reinforcement of my prejudices? 

”If nothing else, at least I'm not depressed.”

According to St Ignatius, I shouldn't desire

marriage more than singleness

wealth more than poverty 

health more than sickness

but the one that draws me closer to God.

Way to go to this indifference.

However, I suppose

being grateful for the easier way

(mental health-wise)

can't hurt.

And I've got an invitation for a New Year's party

from a wayback friend

(back then a fairly close one

with whom I parted kind of abruptly

about ten years ago)

it'll involve a lot of dancing

(he's an instructor)

at present it feels absolutely outside my comfort zone

dead scary, in fact

but also very alluring, exactly for the same reason.

on resisting change

It took me a week of freezing in Germany
to buy a hat
and put on thights under my jeans
and now I've been wearing them for two days here
where it is ten degrees warmer...

On therapy we had a feedback-round
starting from "what do you think the others think of you"
which was a difficult thing to me
because I tend to think that I don't care
and thus I don't think about it much or at all
but then I do care, oh, I do
I just can't take in criticism
and so I keep on avoiding all sorts of feedbacks.

Talk about resisting change...

This time I started thinking very hardly while browsing the pictures
then I decided to take it more intuitively
to choose a picture first
and make up my theories more or less on the fly.

And of course it wasn't bad
the other members seemed generally happy with my inputs
the psychologist man said that I take in people's thoughts and feelings fast and sharply
(as well as all the jokes :-))
and the other one that I do have a firm enough ground of my values and belief
to hold me even if one part is removed (albeit a very important one)
this I am still inclined to doubt
but deep down I also feel that this inclination is rooted
more in self-pity
than in real doubt.

on coming home

I fell in love again

with trains

the best way of travel 

(provided that they are the ÖBB/DB type...)

I read a lot

played Duolingo ad nauseum

ate and drank and was merry

I was also the guest of the catering guy for a tea

his card terminal was broken and instead of returning to me with the other one as he promised 

the next time he came my way he told me that it was on him.

Kind people are out there everywhere.

And now I am approaching home 

I was about to write

"or the closest I can get to that these days"

but alas, no

it is home in full

with my sister-in-law, brother and that bunch of great kids in it

teeming with friends in the afternoon

and all the loud dinners and quiet prayers in the evening

it is home in full for me for now

and I shall be grateful for it as long as I live.

on playing

For the first time in my life

and even now pretty much unawarest

I lived a few days on the principle that 

"I say yes unless there is a compelling reason for a no"

and I played more with the kids here 

than any other time anywhere, probably

and even if I started at times reluctantly 

it was so worth it.

I'm not even sure why and how it turned out this way

but I heartily enjoyed being around little people

who love me without expectations or constraints

pretty much for the sake of my friend, their mother 

and it also dawned on me that by the time we next meet

they may well grow out of the play-with-me age

and since we had plenty of adult time at hand anyway

there just was no compelling reason to say no.

And so we shared quite a bit of fun

(I don't think I have played hide-and-seek for the last 30+ years)

of course they won't remember forever

but they may for a time

and also look forward to the next guest

and maybe, just maybe

I learned a bit about myself

about first things first

and about living in the here and now.

We also attended a lovely little concert today

all recorder 

from sopranino to great bass

from solo to tutti

from 9 to, say, 69.

And it felt so good. 

It's been ages since I last heard this much of recorder music

and also I found that 

anything reconnecting me with my pre-marital life & self

is very much welcome in these troubled times.

The other life-giving programme here

was the library visit on Friday

an amazing building 

where I've got an impression on a Western town library 

all in one open space

no quantity limit on the borrow-able items

each CD and DVD in its own case, right in front of the user

as well as

read three beautiful / cute / funny picture books.

And so if I started with principles

I may as well add that 

"Books make me happy"

and start living accordingly.

on being on the other end

These had definitely been the most interesting hours for me for a long time

redefining our relationship with a new friend

or maybe rather acquaintance

who as it turned out wanted a lot more of me than I ever will

(although he made it very confusing for quite some time, always dancing back and forth in his expressions)

so it was basically he saying yes and I no

for hours on end

pretty frustrating

especially since I felt 

that he understands me just as little as I do him, and also

that he talked three times more than I did

(but for that I really can't complain because I've been doing it to many people these months)

and perhaps most irritatingly of all

as though I couldn't really shake him 

in his confidence

up to the end

(which was o.k. as long as it was 

he assuring me that he is not hurt a bit

but then I came to realise that it also means 

that he's ready to go on with the pusuit).

There was a piece of self-discovery in it, too

usually I am the person in need and want of a hug

and yet I found myself shying away from any close physical proximity of this guy

however friendly and non-sexual the movements were

even before the conversation turned really serious. 

Eventually I said good-bye to him via IM

and set his messages to "ignore"

a measure I've never taken with anyone yet.

It doesn't exactly feel good

but I can't see any other (and especially better) way out.

I think I've never been to this end of the story

and I always imagined it to be better

but for some reason I don't feel flattered at all

I am just tired, and maybe even a bit disappointed.

on falling apart

I just had a look at my Drafts here

never suspecting what laid ahead

and found the never-published post

from the day on which we started going out together

containing all the bliss

This called for a half piece of med#2

which is fine for tonight certainly 

giving myself compassion & all the help needed
blah-blah

but will there be a time when such occasions will 

no longer 

call for any special distraction/help

I wonder

And so I am here in Germany

with this lovely family

and marvel at the unmerited grace

that I don't feel much envy

for the family life that in this form

is not and will not be mine.

And I bought a bunch of beautiful cards today

mostly for birthdays and births

to the latter of which I probably did not send more than one or two cards before, altogether 

and there are fewer coming up anyway

but it felt good

maybe I'll be more thoughtful from now on

who knows...

And we've been to an exhibition

on the (late) Jews of the town and the area

with a couple of photos

of the synagogue that was burned down on the Christal Night

and from concentration camps

they made me shiver

I will have to visit Auschwitz soon

after Trotzdem Ja zum Leben sagen 

and that documentary on the dance performance, The Euphoria of Existence.

And later my friend told me 

that (with all what I say

about not being able to love myself)

all that I do for myself, 

the mere fact that I care, and don't let everything just fall in pieces with a shrug

well

what else is this than self-love?

on my way

and so life goes on, it seems

after a rather long halt

i rid myself from both psych meds in a few days (actually it doesn't so much feel like ridding myself than just being over it, the need)

a rather long halt in which i happened to nearly die (figuratively, of course)

and yet i did not

and now i am in this car

a Mercedes-Benz 

toward Budapest

in rain

and there is an acquaintance sitting in the front passenger seat, another little carpool-coincidence 

enough for me not to wish us getting into an instantly lethal accident on the motorway

which somehow did cross my mind before setting off

maybe to signal to me that all is not indeed miraculously made well inside

but it is a whole lot better, nevertheless 

and i am on my way to Landau

a high school friend and her family

i'm quite far from them mentally still

but i'll have 14-ish hours on trains

to prepare, and to wind down, read, watch the landscape

i am looking foward to it

and looking forward to something, i find again and again, is as life-giving

as it is life-taking to dread something that's coming up.

on feeling alive

i wonder if it is a steady ascent from now on

i wonder even if it never is one and never will be

it can't

life isn't steady and isn't meant to be

and yet

now, when after more than half a year there is nothing ahead to be dreaded

i find myself wondering again, if it might, just might not be a steady ascent just for this one time in my life.

meanwhile, this was the week of letting go

there are so many kinds of forevers

the court room sadly lacks a crucifix

but Jesus did sit through the whole with me

maybe with us

He who was judged wrongly 

and sentenced to a death He never deserved

and bore it right to the crucifixion for me

maybe for us

and He was there in the afternoon, too

where more than two or three were gathered in His name

friends that accompanied and supported me

or us

all the way through

the marriage, 

separation,

and divorce

brothers and sisters of Emmaus

with whom I walked, talked, mourned, wept, prayed, 

and sometimes laughed

and recognised Him 

in the pain as well as in the healing

in the suffering as well as in the unexpected rays of joy

brothers and sisters of Emmaus

who mourned, wept and prayed

for me and instead of me

and who recognised Him

in the pain as well as the healing

in the suffering as well as in the unexpected rays of joy

for me and instead of me

when I wasn't even able to do these

and there were other good-byes 

"those whose lives connect, however briefly, will remain in some deep sense connected forever"

a friend moving far away

but closer to his nearests and dearests

a blessing

for which I truly am as grateful

as I am for having him around for these months

and a friend's child lost to cancer

so many memories, hopes, plans,

buried in the open coffin

of a 14 year old girl

unimaginable, unexplainable