And so I am here in Germany

with this lovely family

and marvel at the unmerited grace

that I don't feel much envy

for the family life that in this form

is not and will not be mine.

And I bought a bunch of beautiful cards today

mostly for birthdays and births

to the latter of which I probably did not send more than one or two cards before, altogether 

and there are fewer coming up anyway

but it felt good

maybe I'll be more thoughtful from now on

who knows...

And we've been to an exhibition

on the (late) Jews of the town and the area

with a couple of photos

of the synagogue that was burned down on the Christal Night

and from concentration camps

they made me shiver

I will have to visit Auschwitz soon

after Trotzdem Ja zum Leben sagen 

and that documentary on the dance performance, The Euphoria of Existence.

And later my friend told me 

that (with all what I say

about not being able to love myself)

all that I do for myself, 

the mere fact that I care, and don't let everything just fall in pieces with a shrug

well

what else is this than self-love?