on this and that

I was told last night 

(jokingly)

that I am no fun

I replied that I know

that's why I am being divorced

this killed the playfulness of the conversation, naturally

though meanwhile I read the reply that I will be fun

indicating that this is seen as a temporary state

but was I ever much fun, I wonder

the person I would want to hang out with...?

(Maybe the key is that it's not me who has to want to.)

Meanwhile

I am sinking into misery again

I contemplate getting back on the medications 

maybe I shouldn't have left them off

but no use crying over spilled milk
I remember telling someone in the beginning (as I left them off)
that I want to remain free to use them if need be
but by now it feels like yet another failure
maybe I shouldn't have told so many people about it
but no use crying over spilled milk.

Or maybe I should adopt the mindset of the good social worker:
if our homeless friend has had a home for two months 

than we shall celebrate that.

***
I bought a cardigan yesterday

fast fashion but at least made of recycled PE :-)
black

every now and then I can almost feel the desire rising in me

to start wearing a slightly more varied set of clothes

(I found myself indulging in fantasies on the therapy group finding me in a skirt one unassuming Tuesday morning...)

and yet

I grew accustomed to this outfit

and it somehow grew on me
in a way that's both comfortable and a bit too tight at the same time
the idea of changing into something else feels daunting
and useless anyway
since all's the same

and there's no reason to appear pretty any more.

Meanwhile
of course I know, too
that what I wear affects how I feel
and yet
and yet.

***
The everyday retreat has a chunk of
mindful, contemplative prayer prescribed in it for each day
and that does not help me at present
I freaked out in this time every day since Monday
so I won't do it.
Which is sad because it is a really promising material
just not for me, for now. It's o.k.

***
But
there is something really happifying going on, too
yesterday we started a joint gratitude list on Messenger with S.
(I'll use initials from now on, it seems easier than describing people :-))
the goal is a hundred by next Tuesday
I mostly wanted to give momentum to some shift of attitude on my side
and maybe some boost of morale for him
what I didn't anticipate is

how much joy

I derive from
his entries, too.