I told the psychologist today
about some recent events in some friends’ lives
which have little to no bearing on mine
yet still touched me somehow
the crippling perfectionism of A.
the brutal ex-husband of C.
and I found that I was crying
which was unexpected
but not unwelcome
When at the end of the stories
she asked me how I feel
I had to think (feel :-)) long and hard to figure out
I couldn’t give it a better name than that I feel touched
though I still couldn’t say why or by what exactly
however, I remembered two very different feelings
One was that of "the concrete sarcophagus"
that I had built around myself to try and protect myself
from the pains of barrenness
and which later became suffocatingly tight
until it eventually disappeared
along with most of the pain
amidst the
prayers
silence
snowfall
and maybe most importantly the
sheer boredom
of a ten-day silent retreat in D.
The other one had been pretty much the opposite
the feeling of nakedness, maybe even skin-less-ness
when anything that just approaches me hurts
and all I can do is wish for some armor
or at least skin as thick as can be
And today (here comes the full circle)
I somehow felt as if I stroke some kind of a balance
where I am able to be touched by things other than my own pain
and I can bear them without crushing
Psychotherapy seems to work in mysterious ways
but there is no doubt that it does work
***
Meanwhile
I dreamed about getting some insanely complicated task
that I tried to do as best I could
but was pretty much unable
I got some feedback from the commissioner on the translation
some good, some not so good
but all perfectly correct
I don’t think that my blood pressure has ever been this low
I’ve been feeling sleepy since yesterday but not just in my head
but in my whole body, like that pleasant tingling right before falling asleep
