on little joys

Today I went out

in lovely sunshine (a T-shirt proved to be enough)

walked in the flood area forest and then on the dam

until my shoes gave me blisters

(which wasn’t very far, unfortunately)

I even touched the Tisza with my palms

a sensation that delights me ever since I was a child

I also talked on the phone to A.

turns out he had covid a few weeks ago

and was asked about all his contacts up until the point 

where he told them that he was a teacher

there it ended

not a single mention about his possible school contacts

another example of how badly this whole thing is handled here

F. was over for coffee

we sat on the balcony

I’ve got a proper, paper letter 

from my high school literature teacher

Tomorrow we’ll go home with the whole bunch

my father will be made an "honorary citizen"

on mood swings

It’s nowhere near the original meaning, probably
but for lack of a better word I’ll call it mood swing

More times than I care to count

I find myself really bracing myself for tidying up

even imagining the resulting peace and comfort

but every single time when I could actually start doing it

I lose momentum, interest, willpower

and just do nothing

I would very much like to read about this

whether others have encountered (and maybe overcome) similar resistance

where it may be rooted

but I have no idea how to even start googling it

on quarantine

Man proposes, God disposes.

Having planned about five events for the coming days,

I was being quarantined today

through contact tracing

Unfortunately I did not connect the dots in the morning:

M. texted me saying that our mutual friend A. was diagnosed covid positive

but I totally forgot that I spent half of Saturday with her

(after all, she's been living in Kecskemét for years)

and so I went and donated blood today

which will now be disposed of

Fortunately the isolation will only last till next Wednesday 

since the period counts from the day of the contact

but still, the moment that I knew I should not leave the flat,

I started walking round and round

like the lion in that tiny cage

back in my childhood zoo

9 years

and no reason to celebrate.

I can’t really recall how I felt nine years ago

but all in all I was joy- and hopeful

feeling that my life was going in the right direction

looking forward to having a couple of children

and later growing old with Á.

Well, we all know how this story ended.

Today was o.k.

I mostly managed to divert my attention

went to mass in the evening

and thought how fitting it were

to kill myself tonight

but alas, I am not desperate (or just plain brave) enough

Meanwhile, I stumbled upon king David’s

pretty odd behaviour

and it left me wondering

whether I should try and carry on living 

as he did

since “the child’s dead, and I can’t bring it back”

David seems cool with it

but to me, well, easier said than done

on joys and burdens

A lot has happened since I last wrote here

I spent a good two days (and nights) and A., P., M. & J.’s house
helping out A. with her latest dietary requirements
and cleaning her kitchen :-)
it was good both in terms of fun and friendship
and also horribly tiring
their kids would kill me in about two days

I also had the vague feeling that if not the kids
then the mess would kill me in a week
but alas, I still haven’t got much further with my own room
so there must be some double standards at work here

On Friday I went to this amazing concert

and had the season’s first cup of mulled wine afterwards

(likely fortified with some spirit :-))

On Saturday I spent the forenoon (thanks, Miss Austen!)

with our and the other CLC group 

Fr. Gy. proved to be a lovely person

we had an amazing potluck lunch

and the whole thing was just totally effortless and light-hearted

I felt at home again

On Sunday B. took me for a ride

we had a pizza in Sándorfalva

good fun as always

Yesterday I cooked some quince cheese

"some" meaning that pretty much all my bowls are full of it now :-D

and I have a hard time figuring out how and where to dry them out completely

once I removed them from the bowls

I also made the decision to join a small group 

at the "start-up" fellowship that gives my job 

it will probably be a place to give back

since the members (with the exception of the leader)

are more "beginners" in faith

(we are somehow all single women, too

which somehow makes me a bit uncomfortable)

Another joy is the Online Film Club

run by N. from York

and our new routine in which we watch the film Monday night

with J. on her (well, N.’s) large screen TV 

Among the burdens, I’ve got into a pretty difficult place of work

having to answer dozens of questions by the lawyer 

about the website that is still not finished

And then there is the room

with the heaps of (off and in-season) clothes

and other heaps of stuff

buried in dust

and the fact that I am going to sleep later and later every night

despite declaring my intention to do it earlier

on loyalty, imaginary or real

I told G. & A. way back that I won’t attend the harvest this year 
yet when they told me a few days ago that they invited Á.
I felt very much hurt

In my mind
the inevitable is happening
people get over their initial indignation
shrug and say "well, he must have had his reasons"
make peace and then friends with A.
and in the end he’ll have it all
and I’ll have nothing

I guess it’s not exactly realistic
nevertheless this is how I feel
and in theory that’s neither good nor bad

but in fact it is rather bad
for it makes me see painfully clearly
how very, very far I have come
from the generosity I truly felt
towards him just a year and a half ago

I am moving backwards
not only in terms of the external stuff
but even as a person

I try not to imagine where I will end up

on aging, part 2

When I was young, I never understood

why people would fret over their age

then as I grew older

I drifted farther and farther

from where I ought to have been

and with that, the fretting started

Around this time before turning 30

I remember posting "emotional turmoil" on Fb

to which P. replyed with interest

and so we sat down in an outdoor cafe next to Nyugati

and I wept about certainly not bearing a child by the age of 30

(he was remarkably uncompassionate 

which hurt deeply)

at that time I held that the latest age

for having a first child

is 35

(the example being my uncle & aunt

who were about 40 

when my nephew was born)

Well, that should be over by now

but it isn't

instead, I took another step backwards 

with the divorce

on aging

Maybe because my birthday was so unusual this year
I was more aware of my .5th
and now that that too is over
I started agonising on shortly becoming 40
something totally unimaginable

Of course it shall be just as it always is:
nothing changes from one day to the next

I will get used to ticking one box lower in all those web-forms
to being in a whole different decade than most of my friends
and in the same one with many others
who always seemed so put together
who have kids in high school

comparison is the thief of joy
but how am I to fend it off
should I live on a desert island?

(What makes this post especially tragic is that I kept planning
a proper joyous one
with all the delights of the weekend...)

on constantly monitoring myself

I’m not sure how helpful it is
but I find myself taking my mental temperature
many times a day

feeling worse is familiar ground
this dread of sleep that led me here now
that envy toward my friends having their babies
that deep, deep sadness

feeling better, on the other hand, fills me with some vague remorse
because it means that I am becoming unfaithful
(to what exactly? my ideals?)

and the latest: I don’t want to eventually just "feel good"
because the only way I can imagine that 
is by burying whatever pains me now
and that’s unworthy of the cause

and who knows whether when I feel better now
I am not doing exactly that

but who will tell me if and when I am actually healing?
how will I know?