The massage must have been even more of a succes

than I thought

because I fell asleep earlier yesterday than I had for a long time (11:30ish) 

and (after a short pause around 8

which seemed too early to be up on a Sunday) 

went on sleeping till 11:30

But this also means that I am not sleepy tonight

especially since I am harbouring ambivalent feelings about the book club

for a time today I felt that I really should not force my choice of books on all these people

most of whom hated this second one vehemently

this impression was later somewhat mitigated

by a few remarks on how good it is to have the book club

but I am still unsure

I feel that this list provides a good starting point

and if it were just about recommendations

then we couldn't ever decide what to read

but it may well be just plain stunbornness on my part

clinging to my idea

(then again, isn't that the natural way when one has an idea?)

and then, perhaps even more importantly

I have to once again face the fact

that I am hopelessly inadequate in literature

which is still a shame

even if not a novelty

however, I guess I'd better make peace with it

(with myself, to expand the issue a bit(?!) more)

on a much better (socially distant) birthday

I had breakfast with N. on Thursday 

on a bus stop bench, nice and safe

(he had no idea about my birthday

which was cause for a good laugh)

 

I nearly fell asleep on adoration

then gave my other breakfast cookie/cake

to a beggar man in front of the church

then we went to watch buffalloes (and water birds and tiny water creatures :-))

with A. & the three kids

it was good fun

the sun was shining brightly all day long

In two days, not counting the aforementioned breakfast,

I’ve got cake from five people (the last two meant 1 cake, fortunately)

and at least a dozen cards and letters and emails from Tuesday on

so yes, voicing my needs seem to pay off

And today I even had a massage

to ease my pain of touchlessness

along similar lines

I can see a pattern here

upon waking I kind of look forward to the day 

all the things I can accomplish

but by the time I get out of the bed

it starts fading

and by the time I can actually sit down to work, it's gone

Weird, really

I am also more sensitive

to people not wanting/being able to meet me

though it seems I may just have been barking up the wrong trees

because others still seem quite keen

I met A. today for a half hour walk

and got two lovely cards

from Zs. in Fehérvár

and M. in Kecskemét

on losing touch

Today I felt fairly bad still

and couldn't find anyone to complain to

either I know too well how troubled they are already 

or I can't imagine them caring

or to the remaining few I've complained enough by now

but M. called (as an act of penance!)

and that's always good

and even Mum called

and played me Nada te turbe on the recorder (!)

and we had Faith & Light gathering

seriously, how do I dare call myself lonely?!

on this day

Well, it was a rush statement

that it was mostly over

today I woke around 10

had breakfast, amd lay back

till 3 (not sleeping)

then I dressed up

(feeling it too embarrassing to show up in pyjamas, even if only to Cs.)

and went on listening to radio drama

and playing on my phone

up to now.

I also had lunch from the freezer

ate a lot of cocoa powder (the sugary type, of course)

talked on the phone with A.

and on Skype with G. & A.

and learned quite a bit of Dutch.

That was my day.

And meanwhile I've been feeling bad 

for all the stuff I did not do

and also nicely reinforced

in my opinion 

that I am not good for anything.

Last night I talked with the inimitable P. (via Skype)

I cried a lot

but by this morning my doomstown visit was mostly over

I hate to admit but PMS might 

have played a mighty part... 

a shame on me, really, still stuffing my body

with empty carbohydrates

after all these times & experiences

I don't learn a thing

on existential dread

Basically, it comes down to these.

Life does not conform to my ideals.

However, I still cannot (would not) let go of them.

Life’s worth does not depend on its importance or effectiveness

or anything else. It is, therefore its existence is good.

However, I still cannot (would not) let go of my stupid notion 

that because it is not important, effective

or anything else, my life is wothless.

...

I shall try to hold on to that picture

how I could finally imagine the Father holding me

safely

warmly

unconditionally

If anything, this will help me through this.

 

on restlessness

Quaranteen, day 5 (and the last)

cabin fever

horrible state in the flat

(I started binding two long awaiting books

+ decluttering the kitchen closet

while not having vacuumed for a month or so)
and similarly bad state in my head

Last night was nasty

I was up till about 2:30

and spent quite a bit of it weeping

among feelings of use- and prospect-less-ness

I wonder if it is an early onset (?) midlife crisis

[which, I am told by Wikipedia, may not exist at all :-)]

or just the latest aftershock of the whole boring mess

I also exchanged an e-mail with Á. yesterday

having got a demand for payment from the insurance company

the flat’s insurance in on his name

and I asked him around September to cancel it in November

but as it happens, he didn’t

and neither payed the fee due in January

but at least did it now

 

In one way these occasions are useful reality checks

I tend to think that by leaving me, he must have solved all his life’s problems

but alas, at least I wasn’t the reason behind his procrastination

Yesterday I also started reading Modern Love

(the NYT column I desperately avoided till now)

with this piece

and went on today with this

not sure why (apart from the fact that I need to read a short story a day)

it aches

but still I feel drawn to them somehow

on freedom

With CLC on Friday

we talked about freedom

what we cling onto

what we wish we could let go of

and what we really can

I realised 

that my latest addiction is indeed my phone

and what I really can't let go of are my ideals

I am also horribly lonely

and not really good for/at anything

(or maybe I just had too many friends around

with different (and totally deserved) professional successes  

for one week)

I also watched a Danish documentary titled "A Married Couple"

about a young couple:

both the boy and the girl have Down syndrome

and they have a fascinating take on life, the world and everything

in part fully childlike

in part wise as old people

but always totally straight and honest

it was a delight to be part of their life

even if also heartwrenching at times

on going downward again

I'm not sure what happened (if anything)

but yesterday I got back home

from a nice walk&talk with A. and all the kids

feeling that I need a nap

from which I could hardly get up

and then spent the afternoon procrastinating 

and the evening amidst sad thoughts

of not being good for anything

I also practically stopped praying

also without any reason, it just happened

Yesterday my boss told me off for not working nearly enough

he was right, of course

I remembered the last time I was sent away from somewhere because of this

and was very much ashamed

So today I worked like the little angel

and it felt good, too

I hope I can keep up

Also, last night I dreamed of Á.

it was a long and chaotic dream

the situation was the real one

(he with her and I alone)

but we were at peace 

Last week when I came away from the psychologist

I seemed to see him on his bike at a crossroads

I even waved and smiled, in some sort of a daze

only to find when we passed each other that it wasn’t him

that was a peaceful "encounter", too

But I still can’t imagine that there will ever be anything

that would make the whole worthwhile 

on this and that

Lots of nice things happened lately 

I went through the guardianship office (?) phase yesterday

meaning that once I manage to decide, my way to adoption is open

After that, I sat down in the sun on Szent István Square

and at one point, R. appeared

whom I haven't seen for a long time

(maybe since last summer?!)

and we talked for an hour

I sent out a message to a girl last week

a second cousin of Á.

inquiring about the old relations in Transylvania

and she responded so very kindly

it was a joy to read

(besides, everyone is o.k.)

Today we had hamburger for lunch with B.

and sat on the swing bench afterwards

and watched a broadly smiling cocoa farmer in Ghana

telling us about fair trade