on Wanderlust

I am watching this film right now
five minutes into it I was like
“What the hell am I still doing here...?!”
it felt good for a while
as if it could happen
but after that it’s just frustrating
the gap between my dreams and my reality
has never been wider

on Providence

Last night on my walk home
I was lamenting my dire financial state
when suddenly I came to a halt
by a box of long French bread loafs on the pavement.
At first I walked on
with the instinctive ”there are people needing this more than me”
but a few seconds later I turned back
and took one of the twenty-ish pieces
fully convinced that it was indeed there for me.

on memories & medicine

I've read this article today
it resonates with me somehow

Then I donated blood
and had this piece of conversation
with the doctor (and myself):
She: - Any medication you take on a regular basis?
Me: - Yarocen.
She, nodding absent-mindedly: - Contraceptive.
Me, inside: - ??? Should I tell her it's an antidepressant?

In the end I didn't. It wasn't on the list,
the previous doctor was fine with it,
and it just felt better to be thought of.
(Added ironies to the situation:
1) being single
2) being a Catholic
3) having a father with a history of DVT.)

on trust vs. compassion

Today I learned about myself
that while it must be a good thing that everyone around me
is 100% convinced of my full recovery
I actually wish for compassion more than trust

and what brought it forth:
I've got to speak on therapy today
even if only for the last twenty minutes or so
with my card chosen three weeks ago
for the question of
"what's your most pressing problem now"
it said EXHAUSTION
I spoke about my emotional state
pretty much everything that came up here recently, too
and the psychologist woman replied along the lines of
"you are so much stronger than you think now"
while the guy turned to me and said something like
"I don't think so"
and that he rather thinks I show a good face but the trouble is much bigger
and then I felt understood, even loved
up to being worth the worry

It's a bit as if the trusting ones stood on the edge of my game field
watching me
quite possibly with a wider angle of view
but from afar

on talents and superpowers

Today I realised that there is one thing
at which I am better than many people I know:
making decisions quickly.
I can't remember any big question
over which I would have ruminated much
or indeed that I would have regretted afterwards.

What makes it even more interesting is that
I never thought of myself as an intuitive person
I mean, I spend more time with the captions than with the paintings in any museum, seriously?!

I also thought for a moment about
what my mum apparently told my brother:
that I were great with languages.
Too bad I am not even motivated for that.

Oh, yes. My job interview will be rescheduled from tomorrow
but I was only told this much after I signalled my willingness to show up tomorrow
(I've got this date exactly 3 weeks ago
so it seemed a good idea to register my interest once again)
it's kind of strange

And still no word from the school
(not that I'd have had high hopes)

on the need to keep breathing

I certainly didn’t see this coming:
a call from the state adoption agency
asking how we’ve(!) been doing
because there would’ve been a child...
To my utter surprise, there was also a
”so you don’t want to do this on your own”
to which I could only answer
”not in a few years, no, I can’t expose a child to this”
—I wonder now what would’ve happened if I’d said yes
but no, there is no legally or morally acceptable way

It must have been an administrative mishap
because it was the same lady who replied to me so kindly
back in November.

...Breathe in... breathe out...

on baby steps

Today I put away my clothes from the dryer rack
(instead of just using them as I go)
washed my bed linen (yeah, well, I needed the rack, o.k.)
baked a fish for lunch
swept the kitchen, the entry and the bathroom
and even sent out a few emails in the hope of new jobs.

Now I am tired and a bit disappointed with myself.
This is not the way to total destruction!

on money

As usually, I'm so much behind the facts in my understanding
nevertheless, I did come to realise this a few weeks ago or so:
I will probably never be quite as well off again
as I used to be pretty much in my entire life this far.
I can't really remember any time when money would have been tight (or even just much of an issue)
which is so much to be grateful for
and so much to grieve, too...

Now I have this alms from Á.
which is enough to keep the heating running
(and that only because he didn't stop it when I asked him)
but that's about it
and even if I do get a job eventually
I will never be paid enough to support the lifestyle I used to have
with the burden of trying to provide for a pension
--the previous savings stayed with Á., obviously, and there are no kids on the horizon to help out in my old ages.

I should probably make peace with the bleak prospects
and at the same time start appreciating my abundant past
that gave me so much to be grateful for.

on today's discovery

Today I visited P. in M.
cried a lot
(fortunately that's fine with him)
and eventually fought my way
all the way back
to the first relevant thing
said to me during therapy
(and yes, that means September)
because everything goes back to this
up to my latest "resolve"
to die or at least cripple to this
--because that's behind my "what's the point?!"
as I figured out a few weeks ago--

so
wherever I try to twist it
the end of it is always the same:
I can't
and don't even want to
forgive myself.

on (not) complaining

Complaining doesn't help
but not complaining sometimes does, a bit
I should try and hold my tongue
on the next therapy session, too
although I really did get frustrated
by the happenings of the last time

So strange to have
almost no human contact
for half days at a time

Today I felt like saying farewell to people
as if I really would die
but no, the flesh won't die
and the spirit already has, pretty much
so it's kind of pointless.

on today

Last night I spent at my brother's
supervising the kids
(it's less and less of a drudgery as time goes by)
I watched Friends late into the night
and slept in today
later I went to see "aunt" P. at the care home
she was completely clear-headed and even in a pretty good shape physically

At home I didn't do anything
apart from having  lunch and baking oat cookies
oh no, I also put my name on the post box
and saved the scanned ownership-certificate of the flat

and of course watched a whole lot of Friends (S08)

Now I am at the first practice of the gospel choir
but we are only 5 plus the conductress

It's been a good day.

(I keep thinking of asking a bunch of my friends
to join me in putting together a
"Reasons to Stay Alive" list...
I'll see what becomes of it.)

on exhaustion

It seems that I've exhausted my friends' supportivity resources
in my heart of hearts I can sympathise with them
I too would find it impossible to be there for me always

But there are new ones stepping in
today I had lunch with A.
and he's just as wise and caring as ever
how nice it would be to meet more

My own exhaustion today
(the point from which I started writing this)
is from the therapy session:
the girl right on my right in the circle
finally told us about her most recent struggle
namely that she's been cheating on her husband for the last year or so
and she hates and hurts herself for doing it
but doesn't want to hurt her husband
and although she tried, she couldn't end the affair either
whilst the other guy has a live-in girlfriend, too
and isn't exactly acting as if he'd leave her soon
very complicated and troublesome

And she actually started with
"I find it hard to tell because you are here"
so I was more or less forced
to give her permission to share
and my opinion was expected
so I had to grow up to the task
(or is it "rise to tge occcasion" in English?)
on the spot
which I eventually
(and with the help of God)
managed

I told her that I think she'll have to take responsibility
and that her husband wouldn't necessarily leave her
if she is committed to the marriage
and that it isn't unforgivable
as long as she takes steps and is ready to forgive herself, too

In the end I gave her the piece of paper
that I've been carrying around in my pocket
since December
on one side with Rom 8,1
on the other with Is 43,19
(she told us that she used to be a practicing Catholic
and hasn't been to church since this has started).
And she asked whether she can hug me
(which I also wanted to ask for)
and so we did.

Last but not least
last night we celebrated H.'s 40th birthday
with a scavenger hunt type game in the city in the afternoon
and cake etc. at home in the evening
and it was very nice
lots of friends, children, general merriment
loneliness and isolation only got me once
and at the end I handed over to him my
"this I like in you" letter*
which he read on the spot
and was touched almost to tears
which was pretty good to see
(he isn't of the emotional sort).
I was also thanked by A. for involving some faraway friends.

Someone said grief is
love that has no outlet

* I have a resolution to write these for the round birthdays of my friends—I don't always remember but now I did.

on people

This morning T. called me
saying he has about two more hours in Szeged
how about meeting
and it was nice
and I'm very glad he thought of me
(we aren't close friends).

And then in the afternoon Sz.
and I am ashamed to even write this but
her friendship is a burden
we just don't click
and she just doesn't notice
I'm afraid she's too lonely for even that
I never call her
and am always reluctant to meet
but obviously don't want to be a total jerk

And today I realised what it really is that I stand so badly:
it's the fact that her life is absolutely not moving forward
she's stuck in a rut
stagnant
stale
and on some semi-conscious level
I am terrified of becoming like her.

Would people feel similarly in my company?
I hope those that are moving are more immune to this.

And I've got a book from Cs., thank you! :-)
I've had to circumvent Amazon
because of the usual ”not available in your country” thing
but I managed it in a few hours
through exchanging the gift for a voucher
and buying the book for that.

on internet advice

According to The Internets
divorce is the. best. thing. that can happen to any married woman.
I've spent the last hour or so looking up "divorce recovery" on Pinterest
– maybe it was the wrong search term, come to think of it –
and pretty much every single article started with two sentences on
how you may feel crap now
BUT fear not, it will change, and very soon you'll be
soo much happier than you've ever been or thought to become (as a wife or not).

I want to hit anybody coming to me with these.

And I am already afraid of the next therapy session
because I'll almost certainly get to speak now
and I have nothing new to tell
no horrible childhood events or similar secrets
or even recent changes
and all I have said by now
they are already bored with (rightly, if I am honest).

on my take on life

My point of view is shifting
and not in the right direction
"if you compare yourself to others
you may become bitter or vain
for there will always be
greater and lesser persons
than yourself"
Obviously, my trap is the bitterness
I feel as though everyone around me
were moving forward
closer to their goals and ambitions
hopes and dreams
while I am here not just in one place or even moving backwards
but actually without any of these.
Really, I'm just keeping up appearances
(all the while priding myself in being
an honest and transparent person!)
mostly for my own sake, fortunately
but still without any content
I am empty
and the bottom lacking it doesn't look as if I could fill up in the foreseeable future, either

I wonder what depression may feel like
if there are stages to it where this may be the entry level
or maybe it's still just the outside hall
where I am pacing round and round
waiting for some other door to open
or at least to appear on another wall.

on these days

Yesterday I found a test on my "divorce recovery" level
and, perhaps not surprisingly, I fared badly
among the lowest 15% in avarege
and I know I shouldn't be discouraged
("it will be better" and all the rest)
but I am.

In the evening I attended the closing gathering
of the week of guided prayer
and was probably the only person
of the 25-30 there who didn't share
anything remotely consolation-like.

Today, however, I'll meet
the people of Faith & Light
and I've been looking forward to it
for a few days now
so that's good.

on a strange dream

I was on Vesper at the Margit krt. (?) Franciscans
with a friend (I'm not quite sure who of a few possibilities)
and I was happily and probably loudly
singing the first line of the psalm
(for an unusual tone, from note sheet)
when in my peripheric sight there appeared
the guy sitting in front of me
turning back, right in my face
frowning very much.
It took some time to me to undestand this:
I made the unforgivable mistake
of singing at the wrong time
when only the monks were supposed to.
And there, my jaw stayed wide open
and I couldn't close it again
throughout the whole liturgy
and not even afterwards.
I didn't really feel pain only this
"flexible" but very strong resistance.
I went slowly around at the church
and felt weird
even though my jaws came a bit closer
so my mouth wasn't wide open any longer.
Also, I started wondering if this was so
even if I woke up... but was very curious how the dream unfolded
so I tried very hard not to wake up...
And then I started getting messages
with lines of foxes and wolves somehow
(I can't remember seeing letters in fact but I definitely played the text aluod in my mind)
they were from N. (in Y. still)
saying in essence that
"there, I am glad you won't show up on my doorstep unannounced"
and maybe some hint that she knew the solution
but here I couldn't ignore
my phone's beeping any longer

it turned out to be WhatsApp
which I basically keep
for keeping in touch (albeit sporadically)
with L.
and indeed it was him
answering my questions on his new apartment in B.
and asking about my travel plans.

What a strange thing
being this talkative
before 7am...!

on today

Today I cooked again
and had N. and J. over for lunch
which was pretty nice
(and so is the fact that I could freeze a bit from the leftover).

I've got a job advertisement as well,
forwarded by a friend:
the primary school on the corner
is looking for a librarian.
It was due today so I applied immediately
we'll see if it works out.

Meanwhile, the closest church
is looking for a sacrestian(?), too
but it would mean a very odd schedule
of early morning and evening hours
pretty much day by day
(and also some cleaning
that isn't really my cup of tea).

In the afternoon I started colouring my suicidal fantasies again
not a good sign, according to the books
but then I had a talk with my retreat guide
and that helped me see life in a slightly more hopeful colour
(and also got me a slightly sceptical remark from Zs. --
I probably shouldn't share this much of my spiritual endeavours).

In the evening I went to a meeting
for Saturday's Faith & Light gathering
and enjoyed the company
of a bunch of women
about 15-20(!) years my junior
and tried not to think much
about how happy and hopeful
I used to be around that age
(esp. since I really wasn't always).

on falling apart, again

Maybe it was the mailbox
or the fact that my money is running worryingly low
(without much prospect for any solution)
or I don't know
but maybe it doesn't matter anyway
maybe it's just that I had about two weeks of calm
and that, apparently, is not what I deserve
and so here I am again
alternating between wanting to knock myself out
or to kill myself.
(I shall opt for the first one
at least for the time being.)

on retreat, again

I have no idea what I have to do with God
but I definitely know that I have something to do
and so I am on a retreat (week of guided prayer) again
with the same director with whom I walked through it last year (Fr. L.)
today I told him about my recent stuff in a nutshell
and we ended up at Jacob's story
I wonder how far I'll get in prayer (if anywhere)

We also met with the protestant women's circle
I'm still not sure where that thing is heading to
but today I felt some sort of commitment towards them
to my great surprise, honestly.

the one on Jacob

”When you don’t give up, there is a blessing for you on the other side, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have a limp.

Jacob wrestles with God and comes out of the match both blessed and broken.

He has a limp that he’s going to have to live with, but the limp is a reminder of the blessing. He has a scar now, but when he sees it, he remembers the struggle and the blessing that came from it.”

(Kyle Idleman)

the one on nothing much

Apparently
med #1 (the hungry-making) along with poverty
will make a cook of me...
Today I went to the greengrocers and bought some random fruit & veg
(after trading a piece of lasagna for a bucket of french salad with B.)
and in the afternoon I cooked the first pumpkin cream soup of the season.
And it made me pretty happy.

In the evening my brother came with some more parts of the armchair
and with my nephews
who are missing me and my nightly read-alouds
and that made me pretty happy, too.

Tomorrow I'll be visiting this train model thingy with them
and send a few pictures over to S. :-)

the one on the upward spiral

I am getting better
had an Italian lesson with my brother (must. get. to. learn. the. words.)
drove home (badly but successfully) with my stuff + the best ever armchair (or at least most parts of it...)
had an unremarkable lunch with N.
bought some groceries on the way home
cooked up a lasagna from a box (expired in 2018 but without any noticeable fault)
and spread Dead Sea mud all over myself while watching Friends (S06)
(note to self: doing the whole process in the tub may have spared me some cleaning).

the one on the use of the internet and running

One of the most fun uses of the internet

is obsessing over people.

The smaller their digital footprint 

the merrier the search

:-)

Other than this, today

I handed in my first ever

international invoice

(for what may have been my first ever

no-friend-involved proofreading job!)

and G. came to visit

and we had a long and deep conversation

(as we usually do)

and I read this blog post

and found it absolutely inspiring
it so perfectly captures my own experiences with running
the I-can-do-this
as well as
the overpowering
I-can't
"run away from the relentless story of failure that kept running on replay in my head"

too bad I have no running-proof earbuds

and the application isn't compatible with my phone

and I am lazy...

And I forgot to mention meeting I. yesterday
though that was nice, too
even if I felt closer to her
on the threshold of adoption
than I did now.

the (new) one on guilt(?)

Therapy, again
there was first this very curious dance
I gave some general-ish feedback on my feelings after the last time
and got some amazingly well-disguised response from the psychologist guy
which made it clear to me that he knew perfectly well that I was talking about him
and also (made clear) what he thought
while none of us had to say anything concrete
I really enjoyed it

And then at the end there was this open-ended sentence:
"It's hard for me to admit to myself..."
and I came up with
"...that deep in my heart I know a lot of good things about myself."
Which corresponds with what I've found lately
namely that I do know many things that I could do for myself on any given day
yet I tend to just say "what's the point"
as if I really wouldn't even want to feel better
one of the women in the group once said
"I don't want to do therapy because it's good for me
and I don't give myself time for stuff that's good for me"
which I found very sad and quite disturbing at the same time
I mean, really, how can one say this (let alone think)
and then now I am pretty much at the same place
and as I started wondering why it is, that I don't want to feel better
(and indeed sometimes feel worse just because of lightening up)
the term "I don't deserve it" swam into my consciousness
to be immediately followed by "guilt".

Oh, how I hate this.

(Other than this, all's well.)

the one in which further good things happen

On Saturday I went to a party
(meaning a handful of friends, board games, very moderate drinking and not excessive junk-food eating)
I had a minor meltdown over one of the games
but other than that it was great
we laughed a lot
and generally had fun
though I had an odd, persistent stomach ache for the last couple of hours
which didn't leave me on departure either
so when at home (! - my own flat for a change) I realised
I forgot my phone behind
I became a bit worried that if I end up in ER by any chance
I'll have to get there on foot

anyway, I started looking up my inventory of herbal teas
as to their stomach-ache reductive powers
(lacking my laptop and phone, I relied on a book and the instructions on the tea sachets...)
and came up with aniseed and liquorice
(both of whose taste I heartily dislike...)
plus a hot water bottle
and the sleeping pill

and slept soundly and without any disturbance whatsoever
till ten o'clock or so.

On Sunday evening I went to visit P. finally
(after a good three months, it seems)
we had a very good, honest and at times raw conversation
after which I felt more or less like mhself again
I am utterly grateful for this
and for him in general.

And today, help from unexpected quarters:
É. from our church group
came to sleep over
I never was very close to her
up to recent times
when her depression hit her hard again
and somehow the two of us became in the group
the two sad, lonely, broken, struggling people
together.

And I swept, mopped and tidied up for her
which will in turn lift my mood, too
for days to come.

the one in which the heroine runs into an old friend

...and finds that there still are people out there
completely unaware of the changes in her life

Well, I guess I'd better get used to it
if I chose not to put up a sign on Facebook
something like
"Husband swapped me for young and pretty colleague, let me just die where I am"
if I didn't take that course
(though it wouldn't necessarily have been so bad an idea, would it?)
I may better get used to having to tell it
over and over again.

Or... just die where I am!

the one where good things happen

On the first of January, after the evening mass
an acquaintance (actually the one who lost her daughter to leukemia this autumn)
came up to me with the idea of
singing this archaic folk-prayer-chant
about Mary, mother of God
with a third woman of whom we knew she knows it
and so we did, when most people left the church
and it was pretty good.

On the way out I ran into G.
who disappeared from my life in summer
(that's his way, I got used to it by now, well, more or less)
anyway, it turned out that he had an email
being written to me
for months by now
so he sent it over this morning
and it was really kind,
mostly saying that he wasn't sure what I may be wishing for, and what I may not
and so he just never dared call.
So I told him he overthought this
and we set up a meeting for next week.

Then today I met N. finally
also after like half a year or so
(with the significant difference that she lives far away)
and she somehow got me a whole lot better than I'd have dared hope
not sure what exactly happened
but her quiet confidence that I will eventually be o.k.
somehow spoke to me
in a way that could penetrate my armor
better than any similar input in recent weeks.

the one on a new year

So
eventually this year has come to an end, too
and now I have this totally unreasonable hope again
that from now on it will be all roses
yeah
as it usually is

2020
goodness me, if I ever had thought of this year earlier
I'd have said I'll be "old as the road"
living in all-in-all satisfactory, happy marriage
having some sort of a job
or maybe at home with kids
(not because they were so young still
but because it's better for them to have their mom (=ME!) around)

and look at me
it's non of the above
and I'd better not even get started on what I am
completely inadequate
damaged good
a mess

There is something fabulously pathetic
in how Friends appeals to me
because I can soo relate
to so many things
but at least not only
as regards to my crap life
but also as to my friends
who tried to get me to the party
for quite some time last night.