the one on New Years' Eve

Eventually I've got a half-hearted invitation
(it's probably more of under-organisation than half-heartedness)
but if I think back on this year
my heart sinks
and if I think of the coming one
it sinks even farther.
So no
I really don't need happy-clappy people around me
living more or less the life they wish to
and they don't need me there either.

But
I got rid of the double bed this morning
a friend took it apart and home as long as it sells
I can so feel the Someone Else's Problem shield on it from this moment

I took the divorce paper from the post office
and had a surprisingly enjoyable lunch with N.
followed by a not too good mulled wine on Dóm Square

And then my last set plan for the day
was to kill myself off Facebook
but it cannot be
because from yesterday on (!)
there is no way to register with only a phone number
so deactivation it has to be
as appealing as deletion would be.

the one on "Friends"

My most pathetic

and at the same time 

most enjoyable

holiday night (and day) ever:

binge-watching Friends (for about 12 hours or so. So far).

And it counts as catching up on some long awaiting cult-movies! It comes up fairly often in pub quiz.

Yesterday I also got to try
the new 

proper
non-stopping IC train

that really did manage it in 2 hrs and 2 mins.

And, speaking of trying new stuff

tonight I took a whole piece of med #2

along with about 4 cl of liquor--

but nothing interesting seems to come of it. :-(

Next time I won't have an oily dinner beforehand.
(UPDATE: Apparently I needed quite a few
pills to get a noticeable kick.
Too bad, for the rest of my stock is
badly needed
for its original purpose.)

on the second day of Christmas

We arrived to Pomaz safe & sound

I didn't spend more than two hours upstairs

crying & wishing my life away

sent out a few desperate e-mails and messages

ate way too much

got some quite wonderful presents:

two mugs, a sugar bowl and a boiler pot (?) from the same set of which I already have a honey pot and a mug;

two pairs of lovely pyjamas;

a Paperblanks diary (this, as well as one set of PJs, quite accidentally)

I wonder if ever I'll feel as though my life was worth capturing

in such a beautiful journal

designed for eternity.

(Here I can wail and whatnot--this is just a line of 0s and 1s

but there...!)

Be full of Life

Life moves. It shakes.
It grows from the Holy Spirit’s desire to fill everything,
to make everything fertile,
and to become flesh in everything.

Life wants to break the hardness of stones,
to water the parched earth,
and heal the sick heart.

God wants to enter our history
as water enters a sponge.
In the hardness of the world
God goes mining one by one
the stones of our history.

With a time and patience different from ours.
God sees every answer in a woman's heart.
She says yes!
God comes into the world
in something as sudden as childbirth.

God weaves life
even through our cracks and reserves.
The God of life becomes flesh,
breaking our aridity.

In the middle of the night
the Spirit of God opens up and flows into our lives.
Inviting us, Jesuits and Friends:
to show the way to God;
to walk side by side with the poor and excluded;
to accompany by creating future and hope for young people;
to collaborate in the care of our Common Home

This is how, at Christmas,
God continues giving us a new Spirit,
removing our heart of stone,
and filling us with a new life
that beats and flows in the world
with a heart of flesh.

José de Pablo SJ

on Christmas

Yesterday in the morning
I was agonising again
then had a tea, a coffee and a lively chat
with A.
in English, as part of an exam preparation for her
and in the end I felt better

The afternoon was fun, doing all the angel-stuff
with my sister-in-law and goddaughter
we got to the nativity play just a little late
came home together
sang, prayed, opened the presents
ate
played Concept, and laughed out loud
went to the midnight mass with my nieces

and then I woke up
and couldn't fall back to sleep
and there made the mistake of taking a sleeping pill.
I then slept till about 11
ate a way too sweet "breakfast"
and fell to bed once again
only to have feverish fits of sleep
all the while thinking that I shouldn't
because I won't be able to sleep tonight.

I got up finally around 3
in a state of stupor
out of touch with everything.

To make matters worse
I am constipated
and worrying increasingly about going home tomorrow.
Not being still feels a lot more appealing
than this state of life.

on insecurity

Today I had to drive
surely less than a km one way
(and then back)
I was completely stressed out by it
nothing happened, of course
but it was a great example
of just how totally insecure I am in,
like, everything.

A few hours later I got a reply from the translation agency
telling me that after evaluating the orthography tests
they would like to call me in to an interview
whose time we can discuss in January.
It didn't stir much feeling in me
it's good to know that I still know
how to write properly (the only thing with which I ever won any competition, come to think of it)
but if it were an option, I'd skip the whole thing
(as T. did back in our university time with her exams, come to think of it)
I absolutely cannot picture myself succeeding
(in this or in anything else)
but then I still have about two weeks
pigs might fly

But at least I start having some notion on why I must have been left
really, I am not viable
how on earth do I expect to be suffered
let alone loved?!

on the same stuff

This starts to feel like virtual littering
or "emotional incontinence"
but at least here I don't bombard a concrete person
that should be a bit of a mitigation
I hope

Anyway(s)
things look bleaker than ever
I know I've said that (many times) before
but so it is
I was crying a lot today
mostly at church
(not loudly, just with that distorted face)
I actually spent something like half an hour
fully believing that if God loved me
he'd have had me killed long before
or at least have very soon
than somehow the absurdity of it dawned on me
but I am light years from really trusting Him
all I can honestly say is that I would like to want to trust
(analogue to the "Do you desire ti desire?" question)
I admire those before me
who in similar situations
bowed their heads and acknowledged
God's authority over
all
things
inculding
illness
depression
anxiety
and so on
I admire them but as it turnes out
I don't have a half of their faith
and so I collapse

 (Here I collapsed into bed last night.)

Ismét December

Birtokba venni miért kívánjam
e meddő és sötét időt? E nyirkos és
villanyfények között imbolygó délutánban
kinek érzékei ne sejtenék meg az év
legmélyebb pontját – a várakozás idejét,
az átmenetét? A közt vagy átjárót két ismeretlen
tér közt… A vonulást a kiszáradt medren át.
Az üzletek fölött, fenyőgallyak közé fűzötten
mezítelen villanyégők világolnak a ködben,
melynek sem centrumát, sem szilárd
partját nem érezni. Érzékeim is alacsony lángra csavartan
égnek. Miért akarjam
lángba borítani e homályos téli órát,
az alkonyét? E szétfolyó időt, amely sem
vágyát a szívnek, sem örömét az elmének, sem elragadtatását
a léleknek nem ismeri? Szélbe vetetten
az ellenállás nélküli közegben
elúsznak tetteim. A hídon, a fekete víz felett,
ritkítva a ködöt, a sárga kandeláberek
lobbantják föl a szél testét. Ki mint folyóba fog
lépni a mi időnkbe, majd a sötéten
áradó, vízszagú szélben
érez először önmagára. Most
nincs tárgya még a vágynak. Várakozz…

(Rakovszky Zsuzsa)

on sadness, for a change

Anything I do
is just an attempt at escaping
the pain that's eating me away.
I guess I should give in to it
whatever that may mean
resistance is futile, that's clear enough by now
maybe acceptance would do the trick
although at present I can only imagine it
as death.

on the afternoon & evening

After the church cleaning
I had a coffee with A.
at which I forgot to ask her something important
but I only came to realise it afterwards
otherwise it was great
I am so grateful for her
(and we actually sat outside
the weather's crazy!)

Then I walked home
bought a (charitable) used book on the way at the library
on botanical gardens in Hungary
would be nice to start ticking off the ones I've been to
they invariably make me happy
(do I want to be happy?)

I found the plant stand
which I had to leave in the cellar two days ago
not having my keys on myself
and I even screwed it up together
(with lots of useless work on the way, of course)
and it's quite pretty

And then I went to help Sz. with the moving
and by the time I got there, I felt exhausted
just wishing to lay down to sleep and never wake up
not sure about the reason but maybe there is no reason
and she was very downcast, too
but somehow it didn't worsen my state
we even managed to do a bit of packing
I try to concentrate on the notion that I was a bit useful to her
but I came home feeling that I haven't done anything for Christmas.

And then the "Betlehem players" came
a lot of them
they were cute
especially the boy with Down syndrome – I really regret that I didn't introduce myself to him.

on church floors, again

This morning I helped cleaning out the Franciscan church
all the while musing that alas, I became one of the worthy old and lonely matrons
who do this
which is of course nowhere near true
yet this was my subconscious view
that people who have others to take care of
have no time for this.

At the same time though
while I was mourning my chance of a hectic Christmas with (my own) children
I also felt part of something bigger
as I was mopping the stone floor
made shiny (and slippery)
by the feet of the (local amd visiting) faithful
of half a millennium.
That church will hopefully be there
to proclaim the glory of God
long after I am gone and forgotten.

on meetings and other stuff

Yesterday I visited M. in K.
along with her smallest son
our godson
they were both very nice
and we managed to have a quite even conversation
in which we both
shared about ourselves
and listened to each other
it was a bit of a change, and definitely a good one.

Today I visited Gy.
just two streets away
met her smallest daughter
my namesake
they were both very nice
and we managed to have a quite good conversation
despite the fact that the last time we did so
must have been about four or five (and possibly more) years ago
I hope it won't be so much till the next time.

Meanwhile I keep doing the hard but necessary stuff
on Tuesday I sent off a Christmas and farewell card to my (former) parents-in-law
today I walked along a street on which I never dared walk since spring
because of the memories attached to it
I don't think that these help
but maybe prevent some further deterioration
and in fact help isn't the point either--
they feel like non-negotiables
like duties
like putting one foot in front of the other
whether I like it or not.

I also started listening to Oliver Twist
I need to listen to each chapter 1.5-2 times on average to get them
(mostly because I don't pay enough attention)
but all in all I think I like it (a great reader, needless to say).

on motor riding and cinema

Motorcycling yesterday was fun
less fun than last time
(novelty wears off?)
but still pretty good
and it also gave me the feeling that
I did something for myself

Afterwards I had a look
at the reopened cinema
it's nice and clean and new
but not completely finished yet
and very sterile, no decoration or such anywhere
just the bare walls.
My appetite for the cinema was whetted nevertheless
(much as it is every winter
somehow my visits peak in January each year
there seem to be better films on screen
and less other anything to do)
but this year I should definitely opt for a free month of Netflix instead
a pity that I somehow never can get beyond one film during the whole month
and not even so far in some cases.

on feeling badly, mostly

No one showed up (of those whom I invited)
but the concert was nice anyway
(and we had a last rehearsal at the time of the mass)
although I was close to tears
both on the way there
and back

I was wondering if it is proportionate
to the "punch" of the morning
and of course it isn't
it's just that I am like the castle
built from playing cards
you may give me the slightest flick
on any side
and I just collapse
(too bad Mum has no idea about this)

Anyway
I got home
only a bit sad that no one came
and yet very dejected all in all
then I took half a pill
was given a few gingerbread star towers to decorate
had a few words on my how-being with my sister-in-love
discussed the Holy Land with my brother
and had some almond liquor
and now, laying in the bath tub
life feels a bit more bearable again

At least I started feeling like motorcycling tomorrow
I was tempted to cancel my attendance
and just stay in bed for the day
(though I'm fairly sure that my brother wouldn't have left me--one extra point for moving home :-D)
as someone depressed ought to stay
I started having a few other symptoms signalling in that direction, too
like I have fewer and fewer answers
for the question "what would you enjoy, what do you desire right now?"
and also less and less interest in having an answer.

I also have this horribly tangled relationship with my friends
in my head
where I say no one's reaching out to me
but I do absolutely nothing
to reach out to them
and discount those cases when someone does call me.
Today A. called
whom I greeted on the fly this morning
when I arrived to the clinic
and also Gy.
who never answered my circulars
but showed up on the mass
with all three of their kids
and about two weaks ago sent me a text
saying let's meet
and so on Friday I'll visit her
and tomorrow the motor ride with B.
and he also wrote to me about the concert (coincided with the office Christmas party)
but then he was the only one to do that
and there is still silence around New Year's eve
over which it is totally crazy for me to be upset
since I don't intend to attend anyway
but upset I am

and all in all I really am not surprised
that people are fed up with my moaning
(that may have contributed to the happenings at therapy, too)
I should be glad for their patient listening this far

on being stuck

For the first time today
I left therapy with the feeling that
either I am being seen as stupid
or I am stupid
there was no resolution in the end
and now I feel worse than before.

I watch Christmas approaching
in some kind of a resignation
as something unavoidable
not good and not terrible
I could very well go on without it
and the whole festive whatever
and just skip from 23 Dec to 2 Jan
though that will be 2020
terrifying

Anyway, I wrote the first batch of cards last night
they certainly won't arrive on time
and in one case I'm unsure if it will ever reach the recipient
but at least that much I've done
to keep up the appearance of normality
otherwise about no preparations
no presents
no plans
no purpose
just a sense of emptiness.

I am also horribly tired
and just plain sad
and don't feel like walking a good half hour
to our choir concert
and then back
but I did invite a few people
and if they showed up, it wasn't nice on my part not to
though there may well be no one (known to me)
anyway, singing does me good
but I may skip the mass before it.

on perception

After two days of coming and going
up and down
this way and that
crowds everywhere (though not really horrible ones)
people shopping and taking photos galore
and buzzing all around

what came closest to me in Jerusalem
was the Western wall
(the "weeping" one as I'd call it)
which doesn't have much to do with Jesus
but where
probably for the first time in my life
I've seen a great many people
observing the rituals of another world religion
and that touched me deeply
seeing all those girls and women
with their books
in their very modest clothes
(even in colours--I've hardly seen other than black, grey, brown or dark green*)
praying so very earnestly
some moving their upper bodies
some close to dancing
some almost in tears

that was an amazing experience

totally different from the rest of the places
where the centuries and denominations
have all left their marks
and meanwhile the places became
something very far removed
from their original

this is indeed the primate of the simulacrum
the pictures and films seemed more real
more authentic

but in fact that had its own meaning too
I found myself amazed by the sheer amount of people
pilgrims and tourists
who came to these holy places before me
throughout the ages
whose soles and knees made the stone floors shiny (and slippery)
and who all left their marks
while the places became
something so far removed
from their original

* Neither on cars or walls, the whole city is kind of colourless

on my time here

I am dead tired
of the 2x2 hours of sleep the night before  last
and of all the stimuli
coming with a totally foreign culture
and 40ish people buzzing constantly
I am not very good with them, in addition
I should probably be more patient
when the last one wants to make their 476th selfie
and stays a hundred meters behind the rest
thus disabling the radio thingy
in which I would so like to hear the guide

And now I fear sleep
as I do at home
that's the most important reason
behind my screwed-up circadian rhythm
in some strange way I fear sleep
or my semi-conscious mind
not sure why
but I rather stay up
as long as I am able
doing anything
so usually I would keep listening to or reading anything
as long as it falls out of my hand
and only then would I realise that I have to pee
after which I would again need the same ritual avoidance

on my way, again

This time to the airport
for a part-work pilgrimage
in Jerusalem and Bethlehem

I am not prepared
and feel guilty for it
along with some anxiety over my general ability
to accompany a group of people
my self-confidence is hitting rock-bottom
(it hasn't been much better for at least a year now)
I wonder what would have to happen
to convince me that I may be able to do things
and do them well
anyway, if nothing else, at least my English is excellent
and with that I may be of some help to the pilgrims

I am curious also, naturally
never been to those parts
I am curious of the general feel of the Middle East
(though I'm sure there isn't really a "general feel" to the whole)
and of course about the places
where Jesus walked while he walked on earth

I hope God will reveal a bit of themself[?]
there, too

on money matters

So it has come to this
I was pretty careless with my money in recent weeks
if I am honest, I am not used to being frugal
(and hate being miserly)
and now I start wondering how to go on
not much income visible on the horizon yet
I'm not too worried (yet?)
I really felt no deprivation so far
if not that of letting go of some greater-scale plans (such as a new laptop or improving the flat)
but I'm still better off than many a better person

still, money matters.

on grieving

There is something horrifying
in the way how small things
(like filling the bath tub)
remind me of how things used to be
and more times than not
how I should have done
differently

For a few weeks now
the question on therapy was
"how do you feel, react
when emotional support ceases"
I spoke last week
one word card I chose said fear
and I can't even remember the others
they weren't very good ones
I couldn't really choose
anyway
the psychologist at the end looked at me
and said: "Fortunately making atonement was not among your cards"
I smiled and replied something like "no, it wasn't"
and wondered why he keeps coming up with stuff like that

Today we gave each other messages
from words and pictures
and yet again
somebody gave me the card to forgive
(actually it was the girl who told me
to forgive myself after my very first sharing)

and after the retreat
and my moving round and round
and my remorse over, like, anything and everything

it starts to make sense

on shouting

I tried it out finally

the yelling therapy

went out of the village

one valley farther

and said out loud 

whatever reason I could think of

to hate Á. and God

and after each one of them

I let out an inarticulate shriek

It was pretty good

not easy at first but I got better at it

it came from a place deeper and deeper

it even started to feel like some sort of a prayer

raw and honest 

you wouldn't yell at somebody that you don't care about

then I once heard some hallo-ing 

from the other side of the hill

then I turned my steps backwards

My throat aches a bit

nevertheless 

I think I may have

many more such sessions in myself

where could I do it near home

and when

and would I if it were not prescribed any longer

(though it could be

it came up earlier

in therapy as well as in ither conversations)

these are the questions

on the funk(?)

I shouldn't be doing this in public

("public" meaning about four people

as far as I can tell...

but still, I'm leaving a trace)

every time I fall, I feel like a fool

[that's an interesting sentence in terms of f..l words]

as I look back at my unreasonably hopeful-sounding posts

just days before.

Somehow it doesn't really work the other way round.

I am tempted to just give up

whatever that may mean

just stop trying

for all the doing isn't more than

pathetic attempts to hold on

by grabbing my own hair.

on (the?) two ways of being hungry

Last night I took a sleeping pill (med #1)

not for any mental disturbance, thank God 

just because I was afraid that 

if I can't go back to sleep much longer after 2am

than the 6am rorate mass will be in grave danger.

What I didn't realise (in my usual naïvite...)

was that since I haven't had one in a month 

it was bound to knock me off

and so getting up and staying awake for that single hour

was close to a nightmare

and even after getting back to sleep at 7am

I needed long hours of anything-but-restful slumber to make myself get up

eventually after 10:30

and still felt pretty numb well into the afternoon.

Anyway, the odder thing

was that I wanted to eat the whole day long

while my stomach hasn't been properly empty since I am here

(lunches are huge

two courses in restaurant portions

and about as much meat so far as I'd eat in a month)

and now I finally came to understand 

that there exists a mind-type hunger as well

that has nothing to do with my stomach

a very subtle one indeed

that just whispers "Eat. Eat." in my ear

and does that quite irresistibly. 

And it may be induced naturally 

by a hectic schedule, general stress and fatigue

or by (this or an other) medicine.

(It might also explain why 

the other day when we met accidentally

M. was ordering two slices of toast

besides the two-course, carbohydrate-heavy meal

that I couldn't even finish off.

I mean, she doesn't do 

heavy manual labour either

to explain such an appetite

and she gained a lot of weight recently

I was wondering if it's medicine-related

she's certainly a lot more balanced, too

which may not be such a bad exchange 

still, I'm a bit worried by her size.)

on my love/hate relationship with sugar

So after a month of if-not-quite-no-but-a-lot-less sugar

I can at least draw a few outlines

as to the why and when and what.

Obviously the worst is in extreme fatigue

(be it physical or mental)

those are the times when I hardly stop to think

my brain lights up with a flashing 

"Carbohydrate! Yaay! Get as much as you can! As fast as you can!"

and I do exactly so.

I suppose that's evolutionary behaviour 

a pattern that has served survival for thousands of years

(not any longer, though, or at least not under my first-world circumstances). 

What I can do is either

a) have no very sugary stuff at hand, or

b) avoid excessive fatigue 

(the second being the best but the less doable option).

Other than that, simply knowing that 

"I don't choose sweet"

helped immensely 

in everyday (bakery, canteen, coffee shop, pub) situations.

That's absolutely something to consider keeping (or putting on, like a _habit_).

And then there are the vices

to my surprise, I am o.k. without 

or, to my even greater surprise, with just a few bits of

chocolate

(see Abstainer vs. Moderator)

but I often found it difficult to resist sweet bakery-stuff

which then turned out to be disappointing each time

(maybe also because these weren't fresh any longer but still)

that is again something to keep in mind 

for future reference. 

I wasn't tempted by any [cukrászda] in November

but home-baked cookies and cakes did show up at times

and those were the sweets that were definitely worth it.

I ate fruit (fresh, canned and dried)

and even drank fruit juice (though I usually diluted it with water)

so maybe I could've done more

in terms of changing my taste--

that time may or may not come.

What I'd try now (if I had the nerve to any more changes nowadays) would be

to cut back on carbohydrates in general

and mostly on white flour.

That of course were easier if I cooked

I did start shifting towards whole-grain in quite a few foods earlier 

(like pasta, couscous and oat flakes).

Maybe after moving back home 

I could start cooking...?

Zs. sent an article on meal-prepping

that was quite inspiring 

maybe that could dissolve some of the drag

I mean, really, the most tiresome parts of cooking are

1) working out what to make, and

2) cleaning and chopping stuff.

If those were done in an hour or two each week

then I might happily cook three or four times, I guess.

on the four basic spiritual needs

1. To be loved and to love

2. To experience that one's life has its inherent value

3. To be free (recognise and choose the good)

4. To belong (deep, intimate relationships)

We are all born with these desires 

but perhaps more importantly

also with these abilities.

Even if I have to dig a bit (or a lot)

to get to one or more of them

somewhere deep inside

there is a way.

on outlets and identities

I am told (not for the first time, mind you)

that I need (non-destructive) outlets

for my emotions 

mentally (writing? crying? shouting?)

physically (running? chopping firewood?)

and spiritually  (...?)

and if I use them appropriately 

then the pain, with time,

will loose of its strength

and, with time 

it will start to feel more like 

the memory of pain.

So far, so good. How do I start it, though?

And how do I get back on track after 

a blood-thirsty dream-splurge or two?

The other interesting task

may be to 

well, first accept reality both on the factual level (what has been has been and may (have) be(en)), and on the emotional (what I feel is what I feel and I may feel so)--anyway, that isn't the point now

but then

to take my interpretations

(whatever I tell myself, think, surmise)

and review those 

in the light of what I know to be true--mostly Scripture.

What's funny in it is that 

every now and again I came across this concept earlier 

building up an identity based on faith

but it always felt like such a 

useless thing to spend time on

I mean, isn't it obvious that 

we are loved sinners 

whose Father and Maker delights in them

who are precious beyond any other creature etc. etc.?

Well, she who stands should be careful

not to fall...

on some great expectations

(I'm so glad now that 

the blog is not interactive. This way 

I might give a go to 

voicing my experiences even here

more or less real-time

for this sort of a reflection so far

seems to help me quite a bit.)

Sooo, this is going to be interesting

in the best possible way.

Apparently Sr. Á. somehow managed 

what many have tried before her

without too much success:

convincing me 

that my modus operandi

(including the waves of wrath, and the running of the same rounds &c.)

is actually 

a sign of my relatively well functioning psyche

since these are totally adequate feelings

here and now.

And that it would be more worrying

had I not these

for that could only be if

they were suppressed 

somewhere deep down

and would then disturb me in other ways

kind of like the balloon bunny

that may grow a third ear if you press it hard enough. :-)

Also, God has all the time of my life to go on with creating me

there really is no need (besides way...)

to rush the healing

there is a time for everything

and this is that of mourning.

It remains to be seen, of course, how long 

it'll keep me going

but now I am pretty excited. 

(I won't look up anything while writing here

so my apologies in advance for the occasional

grammatical, lexical or stylistic 

mistakes.)

on my way again

It's snowy and foggy

half-way between Bp. and Miskolc

I like it when the horizon and the skyline blend into one another 

though it reminds me of the trips to Baja

and that reminds me of some more difficult letters 

waiting to be written

Today I got to talk on therapy

after a girl who isn't quite sure if her love relationship will work out

but probably it won't

and before another who had similar thoughts a few weeks earlier

and was dumped by this time

by the guy who really sounded like a jerk.

Odd how these things come together

there are at least two more 

more or less struggling with their men

and one quite possibly

and then there am I

much like an alien

and yet so much one of them.

I have no idea how I will handle 

the move home

by all probabilities I was over-enthusiastic once again

(what a surprise...!)

I regret that I told G. & T. so ea(ge)rly

anyway, baby steps may help

I might sleep at home after late activities

(though January doesn't really abound in those)

and go back for long evenings

maybe

maybe.

Meanwhile

the company where I eventually did send in my application 

wrote back two really friendly lines

that they'll have a look at my stuff

and get back to me,

please would I wait patiently. 

And that at least is nice.

on the waves of hatred

More and more often
(let's say, twice a day at least)
I am overcome by sheer hatred
against him and her
which then turns back on me
every single time
without fail
since, obviously, where else could it go?

This can only kill me
(and the emphasis may well be on either the kill or the me)

But I have no idea how to fight it
and, frankly, not much inclination, either.
I tell myself that it will just go away
but I know it won't. There are way too many people
carrying on with never resolved issues
for decades.
Maybe "working on them" could help
but maybe not. I have no idea how to do it,
and I can't pull myself out of the swamp by my hair anyway.
And anyway, why would I deserve a better fate than the many
who have gone through and became crippled for life
by the same evil?

on a loong morning

Mum was here

came for the concert last night

today we had a ten minute chat

of which I may now need a few days to recover

hell, I definitely won't spend more time at home around Christmas than I must

(which is a bit sad because I dreamed about meeting lots of people in Bp.)

Anyway, I got up for the rorate mass today

at 5:20

it was nice

I was kept busy with the breakfast arrangements

people were kind

and I was close to tears all the time

Later I went home for a few items for the retreat

apparently it's freezing even by day in the mountains 

I am still hoping to have some snow

that might make it more bearable 

(I remember a retreat back in 2017

where I eventually gave in beacuse

it's very hard to be angry at a God

that gives me so much beauty)

otherwise I dread the whole thing

I mean, I've been falling ever since trying to sit still for ten minutes last week

and now I set off for 5 days?!

And there is, as it is always before leaving,

a lot to do today... 

I am overwhelmed.

And I very much hope that the Saint John's wort tea

really has all the antidepressant qualities attributed to it

for it tastes pretty bad.

on not getting anywhere

Progress is but an illusion

I don't feel a single step farther

on the road of personality development

(whatever that may be in my case

but let's just say becoming 

something more of 

a loving and lovable person)

than I was in May.

My life has no more meaning, and

I don't have more resources to try and figure it out.

I am not stronger or steadier.

If anything, I am weaker and moodier.

Sometimes I wonder 

why there are still people around me

who don't give up on me.

on doing what must be done

A minute ago
I finally sent out two
highly important and
very long procrastinated e-mails:
to the state child protection authority
and the foundation where we were on hold in the adoption queue.
On Monday they'll wipe out our data from their systems
maybe sigh
and go on.

While my heart breaks once again
as I once again must face the hard fact that
motherhood eludes me
quite possibly for forever.

And I am very much tempted to start thinking
what I must have done so utterly, so irreparably wrong
to deserve this
but then of course life just doesn't work this way
the very question is unreasonable
ridiculous in fact

if only I wasn't sobbing.

on the power of community

Last night on CLC

almost everyone was more or less discouraged 

by the retreat

or by life in general.

É. is in a more depressed period again

and I was pretty much as low as ever.

She told us about the mess in her flat 

that prevents her from cooking or just doing everyday stuff

I told them about the job-case

and cried quite a bit

(which may cleanse my psyche but certainly not my glasses :D)

the others listened attentively and compassionately 

as always.

Then we had one more round to reflect on what we heard.

And at that point, people stepped in

not only with words that built us both up

but also with practical suggestions 

which by God's grace were totally well aimed

so in the end we decided to go and help É. tidy up her flat for Christmas

and I promised them to hand in my application by Monday.

We even laughed out loud a bit

on J.'s vivid telling of unexpected visitors

(may God be merciful to them,

especially if they happen to open a shut door to peep in!).

We all declared to be relieved and grateful in the end. And I came home more hopeful than I had been for a good week or so.

on feeling paralysed

The idea of the job application 

sends me into some sort of a frozen state

quite bizarre and a bit scary

obviously I have nothing to lose

(apart from having to live in with the shame of yet another bad interview

but that isn't a very public thing either)

and quite a bit to gain

I couldn't say a single other job for which I had more skill

and yet, there seems no way to make myself do the application.

The other thing igniting similar resistance is running

though in that there would seem to be even less risk

but remaining alone with my mind

is impossible at present.

Maybe I could try to listen to an audio book

but I'm not sure how the headphones would work for running

and of course I am plain lazy, as well.

Which reminds me of a walk and chat

with F. last evening 

in drizzling rain and correspondingly despondent mood

he told me at one point that

even though he hates his current workplace

maybe it wouldn't be much better anywhere else either

he may just be lazy

and it felt good to hear that from someone else

for I've long suspected it about myself

but never really admitted it

we were basically commiserating

over our own lives 

as well as the state of the world 

but there was something reassuring in it nevertheless.

And this morning, in proper rain

we attended a Fridays for Future demonstration with A.

we weren't more than fifty people

but still I'm glad I made it this time.

In half an hour I'll have to be off for CLC

which is always a blessing

and a huge energy surge

and yet I hardly feel up to get out of this armchair 

this is temptation indeed

and I won't give in

even if I did give in to sweets today.

on a difficult morning

I was about to write that

if this isn't depression than I don't know what is

but then of course I don't

it's just what I imagine it to be

not wanting to get out of bed

(preferably ever again)

and silently weeping in despair

and feeling totally, irreparably broken.

(All these after half a tranquilizer.

I actually had a look at its LD50 limit

but it's way higher than the half bottle I have at hand, fortunately.)

I was once again conceited about my progress

time to accept that

no matter how strong I hold on

to my hair

I can't pull myself out of this.

(Not much after these the medicine kicked in

I slept an hour or so more

and was stunned for at least an hour more

doing everything half-pace

but at least not crying.)

(I've lost a post draft on the Blogger app

for about the third time

I really have to write them as notes at first.)

Today I signed the "gifting contract"

so the flat's officially mine

but of course it comes with no good feeling

relief or anything like that.

After that I sat at a café with Z.

whom I've known for ages

but we were never close

it was a good conversation 

not too deep, not too shallow

I'd happily spend a few days with their family, too

and maybe I will in December.

After that I helped Sz. moving house

I put stuff in boxes, basically 

and wondered how easily I can get rid of stuff

compared to so many people.

After choir practice the chorus-master told me

that she hears about many men nowadays 

leaving their wives and children for workplace lovers

I'm not sure what I ought to think or feel

but probably there really is some zeitgeist-y in it.

I am no unique snowflake.

I walked part of the way home

(my bus left two minutes early)

with a Methodist girl, O.

with whom I sympathised from the first practice 

but there never was a chance to get to know each other better

and so I shared quite a bit of my troubles

and she was very kind and interested.

I'm grateful for this encounter

and hope she'll share a bit of herself, too

at some later occasion.

on this and that

I was told last night 

(jokingly)

that I am no fun

I replied that I know

that's why I am being divorced

this killed the playfulness of the conversation, naturally

though meanwhile I read the reply that I will be fun

indicating that this is seen as a temporary state

but was I ever much fun, I wonder

the person I would want to hang out with...?

(Maybe the key is that it's not me who has to want to.)

Meanwhile

I am sinking into misery again

I contemplate getting back on the medications 

maybe I shouldn't have left them off

but no use crying over spilled milk
I remember telling someone in the beginning (as I left them off)
that I want to remain free to use them if need be
but by now it feels like yet another failure
maybe I shouldn't have told so many people about it
but no use crying over spilled milk.

Or maybe I should adopt the mindset of the good social worker:
if our homeless friend has had a home for two months 

than we shall celebrate that.

***
I bought a cardigan yesterday

fast fashion but at least made of recycled PE :-)
black

every now and then I can almost feel the desire rising in me

to start wearing a slightly more varied set of clothes

(I found myself indulging in fantasies on the therapy group finding me in a skirt one unassuming Tuesday morning...)

and yet

I grew accustomed to this outfit

and it somehow grew on me
in a way that's both comfortable and a bit too tight at the same time
the idea of changing into something else feels daunting
and useless anyway
since all's the same

and there's no reason to appear pretty any more.

Meanwhile
of course I know, too
that what I wear affects how I feel
and yet
and yet.

***
The everyday retreat has a chunk of
mindful, contemplative prayer prescribed in it for each day
and that does not help me at present
I freaked out in this time every day since Monday
so I won't do it.
Which is sad because it is a really promising material
just not for me, for now. It's o.k.

***
But
there is something really happifying going on, too
yesterday we started a joint gratitude list on Messenger with S.
(I'll use initials from now on, it seems easier than describing people :-))
the goal is a hundred by next Tuesday
I mostly wanted to give momentum to some shift of attitude on my side
and maybe some boost of morale for him
what I didn't anticipate is

how much joy

I derive from
his entries, too.

on holes and abysses

for a change

(and to give a bit of rest from myself to my brother and sister-in-law)

I am sleeping on a friend's couch

only I'm not sure how much sleep there will be in it

at present I'm closer to crying than to sleeping

that's been this way for days now (of course not always with sleep on the other side)

I am just as unstable as I was

as if nothing would ever change

the acquaintance I was listening to back on Thursday 

was very glad about it

she told me today that she doesn't know what I did to her or how I listened

but she was all right for days to come

that's a compliment indeed 

especially under circumstances like these

but somehow I can't rejoice

I still haven't done the job application 

I still feel like a failure in pretty much everything

all I want is to curl up in a small ball

and roll as far as I can

until somewhere 

I just happen to fall down

into some bottomless abyss

which reminds me of the other thing about which I wanted to write here

I found a black hole somewhere deep inside

it started as a slightly worrying realisation 

namely that 

given the right circumstances 

I could fall in love with

any of a couple of unsuitable candidates

but it may be even worse

I fear it could be

almost any man

and in almost no time

it sometimes feels like one long, deliberate action of agere contra

but if it stays like this (or gets worse)

I'm sure I'll get tired

and bored

and just jump head-first 

at one chance 

at one point

I must find reassurance 

in other relationships 

and maybe also some quite apart from people (is that even possible?)

(Anyway, I slept a lot better than expected!) 

on anxiety

I have to finally face the fact

that it isn't over

(yet? ever?)

my whole inside is being squeezed

almost every time when I stop to notice

and not stopping isn't really the best solution, I'm afraid

however happily I tend to choose it.

Bad thoughts (though not the suicidal type) are attacking again

this will be a difficult Advent

(was I seriously thinking it won't?)

And yet

what else is there to do

than to

carry on

and 

hope 

as 

long 

as 

I

breathe
?

on sleep (or lack thereof)

It's nothing serious (yet?)
but annoying nevertheless:
after months of sleeping happily around 10pm
now I am up till midnight or 1am
every night.

Still, medication doesn't feel right
moving more outside during the day would surely do wonders
on more than one level
(if only I weren't this lazy...)
and maybe some structure to my days.

Our Advent ”retreat in everyday life” starts tomorrow
that could provide me with a frame, I guess.

And maybe, just maybe
I could try keeping my phone out of reach for the night, too...
The Headspace sleep meditations are fabulous
but probably I should just start one through the headphones
and put away the phone.
Hmm, writing sharpens my mind considerably...

(I also have to get up to pee quite a few times nightly
I'd be very much surprised if it had to do with my blood sugar
but I'll look into it this week, since I have no other idea either.)

on motorcycling

Apparently I am more of an adrenaline seeker

than I knew (or admitted).

Speeding

on a vehicle that has no box around

feels pretty amazing

(quite draughty, undeniably

but even that was o.k. on the back seat).

(Why then, I wonder

did I hate that roller coaster so heartily? 

Maybe because of the physical stuff

all my organs spinning and churning.

Or because it was downright scary?)

I wonder also

whether the thought that

should anything go awry

I'll die on the spot

adds to the thrill.

It probably does.

And there is one more thing.

The moment I change into the gear

I change into someone else...

I become barely recognisable 

while also turn into

"a motorcyclist"

who (in my mind) is (supposed to be)

a badass

(or a roughneck / larrikin, as Google Translate tells me).

And that's cool, even if the change 

really only happens in my mind.

on excitement

Tomorrow shall be Motorcycling Day

the second

and the first was such great fun

that I am almost giddy with excitement. 

Should I tone down my expectations? 

Oh but I won't.

Road, here I come, woo-hoo!

on PMS and No Sugar November

On PMS most everything was said before me by the amazing nesztelencsiga.

Now it turns out yet again that my moodiness in the previous days
was (at least in part) due to this
but the No Sugar November is yielding evidence that
besides most of those daily mood swings of mine balancing out
PMS also hits me a lot less
this way.

And that is definitely something to be remembered when cravings hit
(as they still do when I am particularly needy emotionally
or just plain tired to death).

on a lot brighter day

The sun shone today.

I spent a good 1.5 hour at an electronics store with an acquaintance that was looking for a washing machine

and some more time later listening to her troubles

nice to see that I haven't entirely lost that ability

I lost my hat though

on the bus to the store 

(yes, the German one)

I talked to a friend later

it turned out great

(not sure what I was afraid of)

I watered the plants at home

and took some board games

to yet another friend

at whose place the pub quiz group

had a good game night

under the pretence of having to drink that wine

we won at one point back in the previous season.

I took a bottle of champagne as well

which was gone off

a very odd development from a bottle of champagne, as far as I can tell

but this was by far the best company for it to turn out. 

on an odd day

This was a particularly dark, gray and wet day.

In the morning I became a bit angry with a friend

and I wasn't quite right, as it quickly turned out

so I apologised

and then she told me she doesn't want to see me ever again

(not so much for this but for deeper and longer-building resentment).

Around noon I crossed a street 

too close in front of a car

and I was on the other side by the time I realised

that my brain only registered the car behind the first one

they were both silver coloured

but the second one had its lights on.

I had lunch at a friend's house

along with their two lovely children

and I am still unable to cope with their questions on my marital status
(or my husband, the now ex, who also happens to be the godfather of the boy)

I wonder if I ever will.

In the evening I told my niece off 

(after about three days of not doing it)

she's just behaving horribly

entitled to everything and not owing anybody anything, ever

and I know that 15 is the proper age for this

but that doesn't make it much easier to bear.

On choir practice people were tired and headache-y

it's because of the weather, was the verdict.

And after that my friend called me laughingly,

and told me that the incident in the morning
may or may not have been connected
to her period.

on job applications

A confession:
I've never got employed by any organisation
where there was a proper recruitment procedure
(unless someone there knew me beforehand).

By now, I simply hate
to put all the effort in a CV and especially a ”motivational letter”
because meanwhile
I inevitably get excited about the job
only to fail at any in-person examination.

All for nothing,
all for yet another rejection.

(I know it sounds like a stupid generalisation
but alas, there is more than enough data to back it.)

Anyway, being up late doesn't improve my mental health,
so off to bed for tonight
and let tomorrow worry for itself.

on feeling rejected and dejected

Yet another discovery:
I, too, am prone to take offence at
and end up resisting and resenting
any outside expectation
be it explicit or implicit
especially if it is about ”moving on”

on that I claim to be the only judge.

Meanwhile, my newest fascination: Intrigue on BBC Radio4.
Tunnel 29 was about a bunch of brave people who dug a tunnel under the Berlin Wall;
and The Missing Cryptoqueen about the OneCoin fraud.

on a weekend of doing nothing

or just a bit, like watering at home

my plants actually seem happier without me than they were with me

there may be an allegory here but I'd rather not go on exploring it

I'll still have to make a few photos of the double bed frame

since the girl who promised to buy it never came back for it (or answered to my enquiries...)

I was so tired by Friday afternoon that I skipped CLC

which is never a good thing

I need them very much, always

I was also dead impatient with the kids

they were just sooo loud the whole evening...

in fact they were happy to oblige me once I told them that I'm horribly tired

they just couldn't keep silent

(in the end I set a timer for 10 relished minutes, and let go afterwards

they calmed down a bit meanwhile, too)

but then maybe it was because of that cold I caught back in Germany

and never quite "laid out"

also, sleep isn't quite what it ought to be

I wake up several times each night to pee

and then am thirsty again

not very good, though not very bad either

I also got finally round to send out that "circular"

and got a few very kind replies again

I sometimes smile at 

how much goodness

my sufferings let loose in my friends

if only I could ever repay them

(but that's no worry, God shall)

on nothing in particular

I wrote a quite hopeful "circular" last night

then had "one of them moments"

when it all just turns black in a few seconds

but I somehow managed to mold those feelings into words

and quite quickly they lost from their power.

The other day I thought again

of that psychiatrist (#2, the decent one)

that warned me not to think about myself as somebody mentally ill

for neither anyone in my family nor I have any history of it.

I was glad for that remark

of course

but isn't it also a reinforcement of my prejudices? 

”If nothing else, at least I'm not depressed.”

According to St Ignatius, I shouldn't desire

marriage more than singleness

wealth more than poverty 

health more than sickness

but the one that draws me closer to God.

Way to go to this indifference.

However, I suppose

being grateful for the easier way

(mental health-wise)

can't hurt.

And I've got an invitation for a New Year's party

from a wayback friend

(back then a fairly close one

with whom I parted kind of abruptly

about ten years ago)

it'll involve a lot of dancing

(he's an instructor)

at present it feels absolutely outside my comfort zone

dead scary, in fact

but also very alluring, exactly for the same reason.

on resisting change

It took me a week of freezing in Germany
to buy a hat
and put on thights under my jeans
and now I've been wearing them for two days here
where it is ten degrees warmer...

On therapy we had a feedback-round
starting from "what do you think the others think of you"
which was a difficult thing to me
because I tend to think that I don't care
and thus I don't think about it much or at all
but then I do care, oh, I do
I just can't take in criticism
and so I keep on avoiding all sorts of feedbacks.

Talk about resisting change...

This time I started thinking very hardly while browsing the pictures
then I decided to take it more intuitively
to choose a picture first
and make up my theories more or less on the fly.

And of course it wasn't bad
the other members seemed generally happy with my inputs
the psychologist man said that I take in people's thoughts and feelings fast and sharply
(as well as all the jokes :-))
and the other one that I do have a firm enough ground of my values and belief
to hold me even if one part is removed (albeit a very important one)
this I am still inclined to doubt
but deep down I also feel that this inclination is rooted
more in self-pity
than in real doubt.

on coming home

I fell in love again

with trains

the best way of travel 

(provided that they are the ÖBB/DB type...)

I read a lot

played Duolingo ad nauseum

ate and drank and was merry

I was also the guest of the catering guy for a tea

his card terminal was broken and instead of returning to me with the other one as he promised 

the next time he came my way he told me that it was on him.

Kind people are out there everywhere.

And now I am approaching home 

I was about to write

"or the closest I can get to that these days"

but alas, no

it is home in full

with my sister-in-law, brother and that bunch of great kids in it

teeming with friends in the afternoon

and all the loud dinners and quiet prayers in the evening

it is home in full for me for now

and I shall be grateful for it as long as I live.

on playing

For the first time in my life

and even now pretty much unawarest

I lived a few days on the principle that 

"I say yes unless there is a compelling reason for a no"

and I played more with the kids here 

than any other time anywhere, probably

and even if I started at times reluctantly 

it was so worth it.

I'm not even sure why and how it turned out this way

but I heartily enjoyed being around little people

who love me without expectations or constraints

pretty much for the sake of my friend, their mother 

and it also dawned on me that by the time we next meet

they may well grow out of the play-with-me age

and since we had plenty of adult time at hand anyway

there just was no compelling reason to say no.

And so we shared quite a bit of fun

(I don't think I have played hide-and-seek for the last 30+ years)

of course they won't remember forever

but they may for a time

and also look forward to the next guest

and maybe, just maybe

I learned a bit about myself

about first things first

and about living in the here and now.

We also attended a lovely little concert today

all recorder 

from sopranino to great bass

from solo to tutti

from 9 to, say, 69.

And it felt so good. 

It's been ages since I last heard this much of recorder music

and also I found that 

anything reconnecting me with my pre-marital life & self

is very much welcome in these troubled times.

The other life-giving programme here

was the library visit on Friday

an amazing building 

where I've got an impression on a Western town library 

all in one open space

no quantity limit on the borrow-able items

each CD and DVD in its own case, right in front of the user

as well as

read three beautiful / cute / funny picture books.

And so if I started with principles

I may as well add that 

"Books make me happy"

and start living accordingly.

on being on the other end

These had definitely been the most interesting hours for me for a long time

redefining our relationship with a new friend

or maybe rather acquaintance

who as it turned out wanted a lot more of me than I ever will

(although he made it very confusing for quite some time, always dancing back and forth in his expressions)

so it was basically he saying yes and I no

for hours on end

pretty frustrating

especially since I felt 

that he understands me just as little as I do him, and also

that he talked three times more than I did

(but for that I really can't complain because I've been doing it to many people these months)

and perhaps most irritatingly of all

as though I couldn't really shake him 

in his confidence

up to the end

(which was o.k. as long as it was 

he assuring me that he is not hurt a bit

but then I came to realise that it also means 

that he's ready to go on with the pusuit).

There was a piece of self-discovery in it, too

usually I am the person in need and want of a hug

and yet I found myself shying away from any close physical proximity of this guy

however friendly and non-sexual the movements were

even before the conversation turned really serious. 

Eventually I said good-bye to him via IM

and set his messages to "ignore"

a measure I've never taken with anyone yet.

It doesn't exactly feel good

but I can't see any other (and especially better) way out.

I think I've never been to this end of the story

and I always imagined it to be better

but for some reason I don't feel flattered at all

I am just tired, and maybe even a bit disappointed.

on falling apart

I just had a look at my Drafts here

never suspecting what laid ahead

and found the never-published post

from the day on which we started going out together

containing all the bliss

This called for a half piece of med#2

which is fine for tonight certainly 

giving myself compassion & all the help needed
blah-blah

but will there be a time when such occasions will 

no longer 

call for any special distraction/help

I wonder

And so I am here in Germany

with this lovely family

and marvel at the unmerited grace

that I don't feel much envy

for the family life that in this form

is not and will not be mine.

And I bought a bunch of beautiful cards today

mostly for birthdays and births

to the latter of which I probably did not send more than one or two cards before, altogether 

and there are fewer coming up anyway

but it felt good

maybe I'll be more thoughtful from now on

who knows...

And we've been to an exhibition

on the (late) Jews of the town and the area

with a couple of photos

of the synagogue that was burned down on the Christal Night

and from concentration camps

they made me shiver

I will have to visit Auschwitz soon

after Trotzdem Ja zum Leben sagen 

and that documentary on the dance performance, The Euphoria of Existence.

And later my friend told me 

that (with all what I say

about not being able to love myself)

all that I do for myself, 

the mere fact that I care, and don't let everything just fall in pieces with a shrug

well

what else is this than self-love?

on my way

and so life goes on, it seems

after a rather long halt

i rid myself from both psych meds in a few days (actually it doesn't so much feel like ridding myself than just being over it, the need)

a rather long halt in which i happened to nearly die (figuratively, of course)

and yet i did not

and now i am in this car

a Mercedes-Benz 

toward Budapest

in rain

and there is an acquaintance sitting in the front passenger seat, another little carpool-coincidence 

enough for me not to wish us getting into an instantly lethal accident on the motorway

which somehow did cross my mind before setting off

maybe to signal to me that all is not indeed miraculously made well inside

but it is a whole lot better, nevertheless 

and i am on my way to Landau

a high school friend and her family

i'm quite far from them mentally still

but i'll have 14-ish hours on trains

to prepare, and to wind down, read, watch the landscape

i am looking foward to it

and looking forward to something, i find again and again, is as life-giving

as it is life-taking to dread something that's coming up.

on feeling alive

i wonder if it is a steady ascent from now on

i wonder even if it never is one and never will be

it can't

life isn't steady and isn't meant to be

and yet

now, when after more than half a year there is nothing ahead to be dreaded

i find myself wondering again, if it might, just might not be a steady ascent just for this one time in my life.

meanwhile, this was the week of letting go

there are so many kinds of forevers

the court room sadly lacks a crucifix

but Jesus did sit through the whole with me

maybe with us

He who was judged wrongly 

and sentenced to a death He never deserved

and bore it right to the crucifixion for me

maybe for us

and He was there in the afternoon, too

where more than two or three were gathered in His name

friends that accompanied and supported me

or us

all the way through

the marriage, 

separation,

and divorce

brothers and sisters of Emmaus

with whom I walked, talked, mourned, wept, prayed, 

and sometimes laughed

and recognised Him 

in the pain as well as in the healing

in the suffering as well as in the unexpected rays of joy

brothers and sisters of Emmaus

who mourned, wept and prayed

for me and instead of me

and who recognised Him

in the pain as well as the healing

in the suffering as well as in the unexpected rays of joy

for me and instead of me

when I wasn't even able to do these

and there were other good-byes 

"those whose lives connect, however briefly, will remain in some deep sense connected forever"

a friend moving far away

but closer to his nearests and dearests

a blessing

for which I truly am as grateful

as I am for having him around for these months

and a friend's child lost to cancer

so many memories, hopes, plans,

buried in the open coffin

of a 14 year old girl

unimaginable, unexplainable

...

"An hour later she had said her last goodbye. The truth lay between them, unspoken, and now he was leaving and she might never see him again. She realized with a smile of happy surprise that she was a little in love with him. But it didn’t matter. It was as devoid of pain as it was of hope."

From Devices and Desires by P. D. James

#maezttanultam

- A rossz kávén nem segít a cukor (sem).