The idea of the job application
sends me into some sort of a frozen state
quite bizarre and a bit scary
obviously I have nothing to lose
(apart from having to live in with the shame of yet another bad interview
but that isn't a very public thing either)
and quite a bit to gain
I couldn't say a single other job for which I had more skill
and yet, there seems no way to make myself do the application.
The other thing igniting similar resistance is running
though in that there would seem to be even less risk
but remaining alone with my mind
is impossible at present.
Maybe I could try to listen to an audio book
but I'm not sure how the headphones would work for running
and of course I am plain lazy, as well.
Which reminds me of a walk and chat
with F. last evening
in drizzling rain and correspondingly despondent mood
he told me at one point that
even though he hates his current workplace
maybe it wouldn't be much better anywhere else either
he may just be lazy
and it felt good to hear that from someone else
for I've long suspected it about myself
but never really admitted it
we were basically commiserating
over our own lives
as well as the state of the world
but there was something reassuring in it nevertheless.
And this morning, in proper rain
we attended a Fridays for Future demonstration with A.
we weren't more than fifty people
but still I'm glad I made it this time.
In half an hour I'll have to be off for CLC
which is always a blessing
and a huge energy surge
and yet I hardly feel up to get out of this armchair
this is temptation indeed
and I won't give in
even if I did give in to sweets today.
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