on a poem (or more)

Tonight at the CLC meeting

we were given a poem

that speaks to me so loudly

I even posted it on Fb

(I am getting worse, posting more and more)

a bit oddly, most of those who commented, gave it a "like"

although someone I hardly know 

sent me a message afterwards asking whether I’m o.k.

how very strange how people operate

I am also in a bit of a film-hangover

having finished the 30*90 minutes of Endeavour so far broadcasted

in two weeks straight

someone to obsess about yet again 

always a good distraction

on being o.k.

I really am unreasonable these days

everything’s going smoothly

work, volunteering, entertainment

and yet

something is nowhere

The moment I stop whatever distracts me

I am back to the same old, same old

Sometimes it feels like I am just a step away

from being found out (mostly by myself :-))

as an impostor

someone pretending to live

a whitewashed tomb

still

madly in love 

with DS(!) Morse

on purpose

Tonight at the CLC gathering 

we were given a few questions 

on our experiences about God

and his guidance

and where we feel the journey leading further on

what more we'd want to accomplish

and from that, the purpose of our life

and I had to admit once again

that I can't sense any development 

if I were to die tomorrow, so be it

I can't even imagine

what I could wish for

not where I could be in a year or five or ten

and I lost hope of ever knowing it either

deep inside it's all the same 

quicksand 

I am just building upon it

because I need shelter

but sooner or later it is 

bound to come crashing down

upon my head

on adventures, imaginary and real

My latest crush is still DC Endevour Morse (Oxford City Police)

age 27ish, brilliant detective, and alcoholic in the making

but today A. asked me whether I’d feel up to some help

in their appeal for the local COVID ICU

which I obviously do

so I finally have this notion of 

doing something worthwhile

for people who 

do something worthwhile 

(and dangerous)

she said the whole effort galvanises them

and I know this feeling very well

it is the same that I feel on the rare occasions

when I am struck by a particularly good idea

one that will keep me going for days (& possibly nights)

And then Zs. was here for a few hours’ work

and I didn’t ask him how he was

pretty inconsiderate of me

In the evening I also had a Skype talk with R.

the English guy I met at that session of the foreigners 

in Keszthely, back in August

the group closed in for the time being

and so I offered to move it online

(that way I can participate, too)

in the end we talked for more than 2 hours

(and quite a lot of it in Hungarian)

and agreed to go on a fortnight from tonight

it was great fun

on balance coming back

I’ve been treating myself to a lot of nice stuff these days:

I worked quite a bit (that’s very good)

got a stack of books 

(one for myself – on running, OMG!

one for M. for Christmas, 

this for me, too, 

and, well, this 

(but that’s for Christmas, I stored it away unopened))

found a great new crime series

(new to me, obviously)

took all the curtains to the dry cleaner

bought a mic for the laptop (not much of a quality though)

sent a card to L.

and lots of The Good Thief* :-D to various prisons

Now I should be reading, though

because I still have a bit of a chance to accomplish

The Big Goal (see my progress if you are a member)

* Seriuosly, how do they know that they were thieves?

Shouldn’t they rather be called something more "generally evil"?

on talking online

Actually it can be nice and good and even meaningful, I find

Last week our Faith & Light meeting on Zoom

went a lot better than any of us expected

someone said it recharged her

and that was my feeling exactly

Tonight we had CLC on LetsMeet

a bit of prayer, sharing

and a metaphor-meditation

"Mercy is like..."

and we were moved

I am looking forward to meeting them 

again next week

on screens vs. books

My sad present reality is

that as long as there is 

a shiny screen 

within reach

I

won't 

read

The other day I sat out 

to read on a sunny bench

and left my phone behind

but the days are foggy now

and masks are oblogatory in every public space

so I guess for a time I just won't read

on heading downwards, part 2

Other not good signs include

being wide awake at 2:50am

and having bad memories coming back

the moment I put down the phone

on selfishness

This was a good day again

we had a long walk with A.

ran errands

had a coffee to go

and pushed MA around

she told me about an initiative to help out 

the local COVID ICU

with whatever they need

(such as disposable socks!)

and then at home I read another friend’s letter 

on a mailing list with the same idea

and suddenly I felt so ashamed

that I never even thought of this

(though I did wonder why 

we don’t clap any more

now that the case is so much worse 

than it used to be in spring)

I feel like I am closing in

the world and its state 

permeates my mind less and less

Meanwhile, K. is about to leave her husband

for another man

totally convinced that he is The One

and I am utterly powerless

and have no idea what to say even

on heading downwards

Well, not wanting to wash my hair is never a good sign

neither is eating Nutella by spoonfuls 

I’ve been sorely missing people for a few days

trying to arrange this or that, without much result

but that’s gone

(fortunately A. called me yesterday to meet up tomorrow

so that’s probably gonna happen)

 

and I didn’t do anything since 11 today

for a minute cooking seemed like a good idea

but not long enough to start peeling the pumpkin

I might get into the bath now

and go on with my latest true crime podcast

on Fb

A while ago, while rearranging the About page

I told Fb to leave me alone with anything about Á.

but out of caution I kept spending only the absolutely necessary time on it

today, however, I scrolled down on my news feed

and of course ran in into his new profile picture

(added only 8 hours ago)

and the very rare occasion has happened:

I felt physical pain

the tightening in my throat and chest

he seems happy

thriving even

(as of course everyone does on their profile picture)

and I can’t decide whether I hate him more

or myself for feeling these

on withdrawal

A month or so ago 

I started weaning myself off the antidepressant

very cautiosly, cutting just one sixth of the dose

now I am down to two third

and I wonder if I can really feel it

or if it's just placebo withdrawal

or simply some generic pain before bed

trying to avoid

looking the inner emptiness in the eye

horror vacui

(Meanwhile, I am having

The Most Embarrassing 

dreams of my life

seriously, I won't be able to 

look some people in the eye 

if it goes on much longer)

on being stuck

Today was great

I went to church in the morning

Fr. I. spoke good

then I met É. at a terrace

had an excellent mango cake

and a good conversation

and together walked to Alsóváros

she to the cemetery and 

I to MA's baptism

which was a very low-key event

barely any formality but lots of love

I ran away from all the happy families in the end

(though I only realise it now)

went to visit T. and the kids with two books

and stayed for lunch and coffee

and eventually walked home

Where I went on with the perfect Sunday afternoon

read and listened and 

went on with rearranging the furniture 

(good fun but no sensible result)

had a long bath

but something struck me in one of the audio books

nothing new to anyone, yet it struck me

that the first phase of grief, _denial_ means

that one doesn't want to go on 

with the new state of things

(rather than literally not believing 

as I was told earlier)

and that's trouble

because I can definitely see myself 

in that category 

Apparently (I mean in my life,

the book went on in a different direction)

it doesn't have much to do with my 

overall state of mind & life 

I can happily build on quicksand

and pretend that all's well

in fact I became so apt at it

that I myself started to believe it

but there is nothing beneath

just a gap

on having time

Work is stagnating still

and I don’t have to (or indeed: cannot) complain about 

my need and inability to tidy up

and so I am actually on the verge of boredom

not that there was nothing to do 

but procrastinating is easier

Anyway, to be able to have guests is great

F. came over for coffee today

and we had a light board game party on Sunday, too

(with three people who had no or very little contact so far)

And I also very much enjoy 

the freedom to put down things (!) whenever I need to

(since there are clear horizontal spaces available)

and the newly (re)gained vision-sharpness

for anything out of place

Meanwhile, the two big heaters had to be swapped 

for non-leaking ones (second-hand, of course)

which cost half my savings

but brought on a nice warm flat

on greater joys

M. came to visit me yesterday

all the way down from Buda

the weather was terrible

and he was pretty determined to avoid closed spaces

so we walked around a lot (about 7 km, Google tells me)

and ate and drank at various terraces

and he brought along Omerta as a present

and altogether it was the best way possible to spend that gloomy-wet day

Meanwhile, to help the gas man 

getting to my non-working heater (<convector> :D)

I eliminated the heap of stuff from in front of it

along with the heap of dust covering it

and eventually I 

did 

gain 

momentum 

and so by the time of M’s arrival at noon yesterday

I tidied up and hoovered the room properly

after 7+ months

or an eternity, as it felt

it still feels fresh, amazing, and kind of unreal