First I have to correct the previous one

the retreat is indeed for any divorcee

regardless of kids

so I applied 

we'll see whether covid permits it next March

Secondly, well, I keep procrastinating the tidying

and also getting sadder and sadder somehow

I think I disappoint myself

by not being wiser or tougher or better

even now, closer to the end of the divorce-crisis

I think the only thing I learned is that

survival is possible

but whether or not it is worth it 

is still uncertain

I mean, day by day I am fine

and perhaps that's reason enough not to complain

but I am still not needed anywhere

and though I've been doing and enjoying a lot recently

I could just as well had done them all married

and I can't really imagine anything happening

to which I'd say "this is it. For this it was worth."

Or maybe it's all PMS yet again.

another disappointment

Two years ago I applied to a 

retreat for divorcees

but by the time I did, it got fully booked

last year I tried again

but it was cancelled due to covid

and now it has been renamed to

"retreat for divorced parents"

The rest of the programmes of this ministry

seemed to have been for parents/grandparents 

ever since I first looked around on their website

(maybe there is some informal weekly meeting in Bp.

where it is not specified this way

but that's not much help to me)

so it really feels as though I fell through another web

as though I am

once again

being punished

for being barren

and meanwhile, the emotional neediness

I spent a weekend in Pozsony with S.

and then a few-hours walk with N.

(both one-on-one)

and both were great times

but like the stereotypical man, 

neither showed any inclination to share anything from his inside

I wonder whether this is something to accept as it is

or something to work on

but maybe this is what prevents me 

from falling for anyone

and if so then I should be very grateful indeed

because I do feel the itch

toward zero

This is the title of an Agatha Christie novel

which I listened to a few weeks ago on BBC

it came into my mind today as I was reflecting

that while I am more stable emotionally 

than I've been in the last two years 

(or maybe even three)

this is still just the starting point

I am not an inch farther off

I cannot say that I improved in any way through it all

or that it was worth it

basically I am more or less back to 0

having more or less wasted two precious years of my life

I am back to the old questions

(vocation, children, body -- in no particular order)

while also taking on a few new ones

(the viability/desirability of adopting on my own, 

the possibility of another Significant Other, 

the dissolution of the marriage, 

my general worthlessness, 

money issues -- in no particular order)

I heard about a new baby today

a very long awaited second child

to a great couple

(a kind of a miracle child who conceived naturally 

after long and exhausting rounds of IVF)

and I couldn't help becoming sad again

will this remain like this for the rest of my life, I wonder