toward zero

This is the title of an Agatha Christie novel

which I listened to a few weeks ago on BBC

it came into my mind today as I was reflecting

that while I am more stable emotionally 

than I've been in the last two years 

(or maybe even three)

this is still just the starting point

I am not an inch farther off

I cannot say that I improved in any way through it all

or that it was worth it

basically I am more or less back to 0

having more or less wasted two precious years of my life

I am back to the old questions

(vocation, children, body -- in no particular order)

while also taking on a few new ones

(the viability/desirability of adopting on my own, 

the possibility of another Significant Other, 

the dissolution of the marriage, 

my general worthlessness, 

money issues -- in no particular order)

I heard about a new baby today

a very long awaited second child

to a great couple

(a kind of a miracle child who conceived naturally 

after long and exhausting rounds of IVF)

and I couldn't help becoming sad again

will this remain like this for the rest of my life, I wonder