on hypersensitivity

PMS is wreaking havoc

no wonder after (yet another) month 

of reckless 

sugar/carbohydrates consumption

I've been having doomsday feelings for the last two or three days

such as

hopelessness

inadequacy

jealousy 

purposelessness 

slowness

laziness

and so on

Too bad that this could really be mitigated... if I cared enough to take care of myself

on loneliness

Somewhere deep

I always looked down on people

who can't bear to be alone

Well, I shouldn't have

I am as lonely as one can be

with quite a few good friends

I can always find something to complain about...

This time it is that there is no one 

to be there for granted

to share stuff with on a daily basis

to make plans with

to ask without hesitation, whenever I think of doing something

The psychologist seems to think 

that I feel I need validation from someone

and it may well be true

"the other side of the coin"

Today I met T.

after a year (or maybe even two?)

and I am just as unable to listen to her as I used to be

but seriously, she can talk for hours

without even taking a breath

and very often repeating herself

Today she said a half sentence about her bipolar condition 

about which I forgot, I think

but at least that explains this unstoppable talking

trouble is, I don't think she is being treated with it

Later A. came with the kids

and along with them

we took T.'s girls to the playground 

(they changed completely from the little devils they were at home)

A. told me about her not-so-successful days as a mother 

triggered in part by not being able to be alone for just a minute

which then lead me back to contemplate the fate of single mothers

who, of course, usually don't have more than one or two children to juggle with 

but even that seems well nigh impossible to me

and I think adoption may be a good idea?!

Meanwhile, a few days ago

I also happened to remember

something that dawned on me a long time ago

back when I was struggling with infertility:

that the way out 

is to be present and share and invest 

in the lives of my pregnant / young mum friends

I'm still not sure, why

but I am sure that it is

(Nevertheless,  T. still feels overwhelming)

a gut prayer

Dear God, my supposedly (and usually indeed) Loving Father,

would you please please please consider

taking away this overwhelming jeallousy 

that attacks me more and more often

when I see large and lovely family homes

with large and busy families

that of course aren't perfect in any way

but so much closer to what I wished for myself

Alternatively,  you may consider

taking away my rusty ideals

my never-to-be-fulfilled desires

or my life

Whichever you please, really

but do something, please

PLEASE

because all these are just too much

for now