on the move

I came home to visit my parents

it's just as easy as it was at Christmas

I'm so glad

Today I drove to Pv.

to visit J. and see their long-built house

it was a great time

conversing about everything

and seeing her at home, with her husband and daughter 

My praying mood is pretty much gone

that's not such a happy thing

and driving was quite stressful

but in general, things are o.k.

Apart from sleep, I guess 

(3:50)

on things on the move

If you've been here for a few months

you won't be surprised

that my silence is a good sign again

I feel generally pretty good:

the name-change, 

the adoption-eligibility process,

the therapy, 

the talk with P. and lately with G.

all moved this and that

and while I still feel a bit unfaithful

to my ideals and "all I hold sacred"

I can sometimes shake it off 

with some vague feeling of 

"heck, I did what I could"

The days are longer, too

and brighter, and warmer

on an accidental(ly witnessed) sunrise

Some more sights like this

and I might even become a morning person

on the good priest

(I mean the proverbial one that learns till death)

Years ago I've got a psychological assessment

that stated (among a lot of other stuff)

that I am an extrovert without any hint of introversion whatsoever

this sounded very strange, given my general love for solitary employments

and occasional aversion towards new and/big groups of people

however, the pandemic is teaching me about myself

namely that can I lack people horribly

days are passing without any meaningful communication

(let alone skin contact...)

and I start feeling that this is what depresses me most

today, before I walked out to the fair,

I thought about asking N. to join me

but she's been working crazy-busy these last weeks

and most people need longer notice anyway

and my ideas get rejected usually anyway

so I couldn't make myself call her

and thus made certain that I won't have company...

It happens all too often

I long for connection but don't do the least for it

Here's to all those who still call me

thank you

on lacking vitality

I so don’t feel like doing anything

despite the wonderfully bright day outside

and the stuff to do inside

it took me a few hours to get out of bed

but back then I was not sad yet, just lazy

after another hour or so I even changed out of my pyjamas

had lunch

tech-supported two friends

listened to this and that

and meanwhile, all my energy left me 

I can’t really imaginge doing anything else than sleeping

however, I’ll make myself walk over to the water tower

and maybe even have a coffee and/or <kürtőskalács>

on being unfaithful

Today I remembered once again

that the fact that I am feeling significantly better than a year ago

proves that I am not faithful to my ideals

on P., the God-sent

Today I finally got to talk to P.

after way too long a time 

(Google Calendar tells me we last met in August!

I seem to remember something from autumn but it's unlikely that I'd have forgotten to put it on the calendar)

and quite a few stones fell off my heart 

[which is, of course, a saying unknown in English]

such a privilege to have someone to talk to

who embodies hope 

and is available on demand

such a grace

on flirtation

A sentence I'd never thought will ever leave 

[I have no idea about the tenses here] 

my mind:

all I wish for is some light flirtation

Troubles are that

it has a bad name (but do read this article or watch the video below it, and tell me that it isn't true!), and that

we know all too well

what became of my similar desire last year...

I could probably do other stuff

to feel more like a woman

like dress up and such

but I can't see anything else 

guaranteeing any instant gratification

people didn't notice my hair cut

and also, I just don't meet people

and stuff like that requires tiresome work

and I am lazy and demotivated

Today was a real drag

I didn’t feel like doing anything

procrastination, sadness, general blahh

However, A. called in the afternoon, and that was nice

and N. also volunteered to listen to me whining

and that helped a bit, too

Maybe I just lack people

BUT

I joined the Imagine prayer once again tonight

(after many missed sessions)

and it was lovely

I was reminded that the prophetess Anna’s life 

hadn’t quite gone the way she may have imagined

(being a wife for 7 and then a widow for about 50 years?!)

and yet she remained faithful

as was God, in all that (and "all that" of the Jews’ history)

In the end I even said hello to Steve H.

who seemed to be able to place me even after these 12 years

(I put JVC in the chatbox before but still)

and that felt realy nice, too