and an update

to Pt 1:

Meanwhile on Moly other people’s lists inspired me 

with two > four! more first-time-this-year-s:

- have seen my dad with a beard

- have been taking medication for a whole year (and counting)

- could not go to church on a Sunday--for lack of a service near or far

- cooked quince cheese

on the year, pt 3 – People that...

​...made me happy:
my nephews who welcomed me with visible joy every time we met
friends reaching out to/for me
everyone who sent me anything by post

...made me grateful:
A. who showed up again and again despite all else on her plate

A. who asked me for help from time to time
M. who went out of his way to keep in touch this year

F., P. & H. who helped me loads with DIY jobs
G., my boss, who "lent" me trust in advance
all those at the forming fellowhip who accepted me

my parents for this light-hearted Christmas

...made me smile or laugh:
B.
E., my little goddaughter
MA, the other baby around

...made me feel curious, intrigued, challenged or just plain joyful through their work:
Michael Osterholm
Phoebe Judge
Grant Snider
Krista Tippett
Ann Voskamp 

Lore Ferguson Wilbert

on the year, pt 2 – Stuff that...

​...made me enthusiastic:
world travel/backpacking
urbexing
the new job
starting the book club

...made me happy:
that neat little romance in spring
a few play gatherings with lots of laughter
a few presents that I managed to chose with a lucky hand

...provided escape:
Friends (the series)
Harry Potter
GF Newman’s The Corrupted
the Neapolitan Quartet by Elena Ferrante
Endevour

...made me relax:
long hot baths
editing Moly.hu

...made me grow:
F&L?
the new job?

...I enjoyed:
Wooden Overcoats
Station Eleven
true crime podcasts (esp. Body on the Moor, Death in Ice Valley, and Criminal)
BBC Radio dramas & audio books
film club films (usually)
sending out the Christmas "cards"
cooking

walking a lot
The New York Times
The Guardian 

...made me sad/desperate:
marital crises and/or bad choices of friends
gun violence and police brutality in the U.S.
Trump
the political climate here in Hungary
my bleak future

my troubles with sleep

my reading crisis

...I missed:
travelling 
hiking 
intimacy on all its levels
some friends
pub nights
nice, tangible surprises 
God

on disappointment

I was planning some sort of a little get-together for tomorrow

to talk a bit about the ending year

and also inaugurate the new card set ("the little box of emotions")

but no one was interested (or available)

so in the end I gave up

and felt utterly disheartened

(even as I know it’s not personal)

and now I should do my own reflection

but of course I don’t

and if not that, I should at least sleep

to avoid repeating that horrible experience

when two weeks ago I almost fell asleep on adoration

but alas, the "all’s wrong" feeling has settled in

and now I need all my objectivity and willpower

to make myself go to bed

why 

why

why

on the year (pt 1?)

 I'd like to write some sort of a 

"this was 2020" post

but I resist the idea of introspection 

I feel that it can only bring on pain

(which may not even be true

but that makes no difference)

Today the usual

"and what was it that you have done

for the first time this year?"

post appeared on Moly

and it took me a long while to figure out

just two things:

- attended psychodrama (once...) and

- spent 5 whole days indoors while completely healthy (contact-quarantine)

This year has not been one when 

I'd have been particularly adventurous

(or indeed at all)

in many aspects my world is shrinking

it reminds me of the time when I used to run:

back than I felt invincible 

and now, utterly dejected 

I am paralysed even at the thought of jogging

on Christmas, continued

I got indigestion

though I really haven’t eaten that much

anyway, a night without dinner should cure it

Today we met up with E. and B. from high school

as well as their husbands and 3 / 4 children (respectively)

it was a lovely morning in Sze.

with bright sunshine

we talked and walked and looked at the nativity

In the afternoon I took the car (and Mum) for a ride

up the hill to Dk.

but I wasn’t the only one with that spot in mind –

there was practically a continuous stream of cars both ways

plus hundreds parking on top

I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many cars there

I wonder if they know that we’ll be locked up in the near future

or just happened to chose the same place for the first sunny day in ages

Being at home is still absolutely enjoyable

miracles won’t cease

on Christmas

(I wrote this two days ago, I think, just forgot to post somehow)

So far this is an unexpectedly nice Christmas

my parents are so light-hearted

I found myself wanting to hang out in their company

a thing I can't remember wishing to

Politics come up a bit too much

Mum's furious

My demons, of course, show up from time to time

the disappointment 

the rejection

I wonder if they'll ever leave on their own accord

because casting them off is not a pheasible option

And spiritually I am nowhere near Christ(mas), either

not that it was a surprise

on a productive day, for a change

I know I shouldn’t be proud of this

(as much as I shouldn’t feel bad for the opposite ones either)

but at one point today I realised that 

I’ve got almost everything done 

that I have[?] planned for today

All the Christmas "cards" are delivered

(actually I mailed those going farther last week)

I had a PCR test done and got a negative result

I got almost every present (though none wrapped yet)

and with the help of G. 

even the Faith & Light goody bags reached their recipients

and I had a Zoom talk with N. today

she is stranded in England which is bad

but there are nice things going on around her, too

which are, well, good

and I had mulled wine and cake with (another) N. today

he is about to move out to make space for T.’s girlfriend

and I had a long phone talk with B., too

(she’d been chasing me for a week or so...)

and I had an idea for a thematic post here 

but when and how to do it is yet unclear 

on some lazy days, again

Today I walked out to the mall

where the farmer/crafter market was 

too crowded to feel safe

and where the grocery store didn’t have my favourite muesli

(nor freezer bags for the hospital)

On the way back I mailed one sold book

and had a nice cappuccino ("drink out to help out”)

that I drank in front of a giant nativity scene on Széchenyi square

all the while pondering how it is

that this far I always felt the downtown Christmas fuss way too much

but now I miss it acutely

Later there was the Christmas gathering with the Faith & Light community

where I sang surprisingly self-consciously 

and consequently pretty falsely[?] for the first few beats

but other than this, it was nice as always

I listened to Obama’s reading of his (abridged) memoir 

that was is either very well written or very well edited

but I enjoyed it so much that it made me want to listen to the whole

(though I would probably not read it)

And now I am really sleepy 

but a few minutes ago when I finally closed the laptop

my mind was instantly back at all those toxic spirals

so I decided to open it up again, and write

The unimaginable is happening:

I am down to 1.5 jars of jam

I'll have to make an appeal to friends 

from more domestically inclined families...

Among the other stuff

on Monday I had a fabulous walk and chat

with a girl from the fellowship

we hit it off unexpectedly well

even though she must be 

at least 15 years younger 

and she reached out to me

which is a present in itself

(and my only chance these days)

The parliament is closing the doors

before single people wanting to adopt

which is outrageous 

it also makes me wonder if 

I should have applied

the answer is no, obviously,

yet it feels bad to think that 

I may not stand another chance at it

I listened to this podcast episode 

on Singleness & Sex

it made me wish to read Handle with Care

(I've been reading the author's blog for years)

and also made me realise

just how touch-deprived I am

on a joyous afternoon

This has been my most wonderful afternoon in a long time

First I went to have lunch with a nice young couple 

from the forming Calvinist fellowship where I work

there was great food and good conversation

nothing of the first-visit awkwardness

Afterwards four of us from the Faith & Light group gathered

for a white elephant present swap

which turned out to be hilarious even with so few people

I laughed more than I did in recent weeks, combined

and I will so do it with my friends once we can

on screens (in more than one sense)

(Well, one is rather screening but never mind that)

I’ve got a letter the other day

(not much after this, you may remember)

the public health office calling me to cervical screening

recommended apparently every 3 years

(which begs the question

"why on earth did I undergo it every year up to the last two?!"...

but more importantly)

I never knew we had this on social security

the (first and) last time I’ve got called in to this

was in Manchester, 12 years ago

And then, let me present you my studio:

where I spent hours today recording myself singing 

this spiritual 

it was actually quite good fun

though I have doubts as to my being cut out either

for solo singing or 

for singing into a camera...

we’ll see what becomes of the edited choir product.

on sleeping

Allowing that 28/11 was a measuring mistake (I went back to sleep after the alarm)

it still isn’t quite the ideal 

on adoration

This was a bit weird

I sat today at my appointed weekly hour of adoration

and found that the radio in my head

plays this song 

of all

It’s been the third week (of adoration; not this song)

and I have to get a hard grip on myself every time to set off 

I can’t sit with my feelings and thoughts

But today I remembered

that all through last(? – 2019) summer

adoration was the only time and place

where despair could not get hold of me

what an incomprehensible memory

This was also the spring/summer when I 

went to church almost daily, even for 7am

while nowadays I struggle to make myself go 

even on Sunday

how very oddly I work

***

On the brighter side [pun intended]

today I bought and set up a LED-light-strip

over the kitchen counter

and it’s fantastic

gutta cavat lapidem

Don't get me wrong

I am not near being desperate at present

but that age-old story somehow 

comes into my mind often

about the man who committed suicide

and signed his farewell letter

with the mocking name that a teacher called him at school once

The morale was to be careful with our tongue

because we never can know how others might be affected

As far as I can remember

I was always a bit sceptic toward the guy

so many things happen

how come that he remained so aware 

of that one degrading remark

These days, however, when

I find myself running the same circles

round and 

round

again and

again

I start to see what it means

to feel defined by a single event

as if it carved into me 

drop by 

drop

on this and that

I've got two cards in a week

lovely surprises

one from M. in K.

and one from N. & her family

right from Landau

The new pet has arrived, too

a slim, pretty white heater panel for the bathroom

totally programmable, it could even use wifi

(for no obvious purpose to me)

I hope it won't triple the electricity bill either

I got some more volunteer work, too

carrying leftover baked goods from a bakery to a hospital unit

one evening a week

maybe I could involve other people, too

B. sent an email today, telling mostly about how lonely she is

The book club starts to take shape

I am looking forward to it

And I am more anxious of sleep than ever

:D

I feel like complaining

but I can’t think of anything

that I wouldn’t have already covered here

on (not) caring for my body

Disclaimers:

A) This post may well be Too Much Information for some

B) I really am not proud of these

(though not too much ashamed either)

but it feels important to scribble them down

So I think I achieved some sort of a personal record

having had 18 days between two hair wash

it just wasn't important enough to bother

(the 15-16 degrees at the bathroom

aren't very conducive either

but help is on its way)

the previous time was when two guys came over to play

since then, work was the only reason to move out

(anywhere where I'd have to take my hat off anyway)

The last time I've had my hair cut

was in July last year

(for Á. -- as if...)

it's horribly split by now but I can't be bothered

My calves (?) are proper winter-sleep hairy

The last time I wore a dress/skirt must have been

in September or early October

(apart from the theater)

And what may be even more interesting

I can't be bothered with health checks either

(not that I had any indications 

or even family history to make them 

any more important than for the avarege)

To be honest, it isn't a bad lifestyle

It's pretty cheap (no shampoo, no doctor)

and quite greeen (though what I win in water comsumption on the rare hair washing, I lose twice on full-tub baths... but at least it's with less chemicals)

and even relieves me of a lot of stress (anybody having fun at the dermatologist? dentist? gynecologist...? Nooo?!)

On the other hand

I guess it doesn't make me very marketable

neither does it feel particularly elating

but for the time being

this is mine

and embracing it still requires less effort

than fighting it would

AND I really do brush my teeth every night

and isn't that the foundation of all...?

...

This. Is. It.

I am dead tired, yet unable to move to the bed.

Last night I slept at my nephews-nieces place,

and really did try to sleep half past midnight, and I couldn’t.

However, I woke up at 6:10 this morning

and couldn't go back to sleep

which is unheard of.

So it really isn’t going the way it should

I guess ... running could be the answer

but I still feel pity for Present Me

more than I feel compassion for Future Me

on advent, vol 2

I forgot the last time
just why I started that post
the advent calendar 

was such a significant part
of my childhood Decembers
mum even got round to send it to me
for years during university 

Á. wasn't very keen on it
pretty much refused to take part the last year or two

which hurt
but having no-one even to ask
probably hurts still more
the world is deprived 
of magic
of surprises 
(though of the awful ones, too
admittedly)

on advent

This evening we took a walk with the Calvinist women’s club :-)

in the centre to bask a bit in the festive lights

(apparently there isn’t even Christmas market this year)

it turned out that one of the girls had 

my ex-mother-in-law for class master for six years 

it was a bit strange to hear but all in all I’m glad she decided to tell me

I still have no wreath

but I did start the everyday retreat (just two days late)

and even managed not to listen to anything up to 6pm today

(well, I did wake at 11am but that 

must have been some sort of a time portal at work...)

Meanwhile I finally set about organising the book club 

without crowds of enthusiasts so far 

but once we reach about 12, I’ll just start

And I am considering taking up unskilled nursing at the hospital

on a poem (or more)

Tonight at the CLC meeting

we were given a poem

that speaks to me so loudly

I even posted it on Fb

(I am getting worse, posting more and more)

a bit oddly, most of those who commented, gave it a "like"

although someone I hardly know 

sent me a message afterwards asking whether I’m o.k.

how very strange how people operate

I am also in a bit of a film-hangover

having finished the 30*90 minutes of Endeavour so far broadcasted

in two weeks straight

someone to obsess about yet again 

always a good distraction

on being o.k.

I really am unreasonable these days

everything’s going smoothly

work, volunteering, entertainment

and yet

something is nowhere

The moment I stop whatever distracts me

I am back to the same old, same old

Sometimes it feels like I am just a step away

from being found out (mostly by myself :-))

as an impostor

someone pretending to live

a whitewashed tomb

still

madly in love 

with DS(!) Morse

on purpose

Tonight at the CLC gathering 

we were given a few questions 

on our experiences about God

and his guidance

and where we feel the journey leading further on

what more we'd want to accomplish

and from that, the purpose of our life

and I had to admit once again

that I can't sense any development 

if I were to die tomorrow, so be it

I can't even imagine

what I could wish for

not where I could be in a year or five or ten

and I lost hope of ever knowing it either

deep inside it's all the same 

quicksand 

I am just building upon it

because I need shelter

but sooner or later it is 

bound to come crashing down

upon my head

on adventures, imaginary and real

My latest crush is still DC Endevour Morse (Oxford City Police)

age 27ish, brilliant detective, and alcoholic in the making

but today A. asked me whether I’d feel up to some help

in their appeal for the local COVID ICU

which I obviously do

so I finally have this notion of 

doing something worthwhile

for people who 

do something worthwhile 

(and dangerous)

she said the whole effort galvanises them

and I know this feeling very well

it is the same that I feel on the rare occasions

when I am struck by a particularly good idea

one that will keep me going for days (& possibly nights)

And then Zs. was here for a few hours’ work

and I didn’t ask him how he was

pretty inconsiderate of me

In the evening I also had a Skype talk with R.

the English guy I met at that session of the foreigners 

in Keszthely, back in August

the group closed in for the time being

and so I offered to move it online

(that way I can participate, too)

in the end we talked for more than 2 hours

(and quite a lot of it in Hungarian)

and agreed to go on a fortnight from tonight

it was great fun

on balance coming back

I’ve been treating myself to a lot of nice stuff these days:

I worked quite a bit (that’s very good)

got a stack of books 

(one for myself – on running, OMG!

one for M. for Christmas, 

this for me, too, 

and, well, this 

(but that’s for Christmas, I stored it away unopened))

found a great new crime series

(new to me, obviously)

took all the curtains to the dry cleaner

bought a mic for the laptop (not much of a quality though)

sent a card to L.

and lots of The Good Thief* :-D to various prisons

Now I should be reading, though

because I still have a bit of a chance to accomplish

The Big Goal (see my progress if you are a member)

* Seriuosly, how do they know that they were thieves?

Shouldn’t they rather be called something more "generally evil"?

on talking online

Actually it can be nice and good and even meaningful, I find

Last week our Faith & Light meeting on Zoom

went a lot better than any of us expected

someone said it recharged her

and that was my feeling exactly

Tonight we had CLC on LetsMeet

a bit of prayer, sharing

and a metaphor-meditation

"Mercy is like..."

and we were moved

I am looking forward to meeting them 

again next week

on screens vs. books

My sad present reality is

that as long as there is 

a shiny screen 

within reach

I

won't 

read

The other day I sat out 

to read on a sunny bench

and left my phone behind

but the days are foggy now

and masks are oblogatory in every public space

so I guess for a time I just won't read

on heading downwards, part 2

Other not good signs include

being wide awake at 2:50am

and having bad memories coming back

the moment I put down the phone

on selfishness

This was a good day again

we had a long walk with A.

ran errands

had a coffee to go

and pushed MA around

she told me about an initiative to help out 

the local COVID ICU

with whatever they need

(such as disposable socks!)

and then at home I read another friend’s letter 

on a mailing list with the same idea

and suddenly I felt so ashamed

that I never even thought of this

(though I did wonder why 

we don’t clap any more

now that the case is so much worse 

than it used to be in spring)

I feel like I am closing in

the world and its state 

permeates my mind less and less

Meanwhile, K. is about to leave her husband

for another man

totally convinced that he is The One

and I am utterly powerless

and have no idea what to say even

on heading downwards

Well, not wanting to wash my hair is never a good sign

neither is eating Nutella by spoonfuls 

I’ve been sorely missing people for a few days

trying to arrange this or that, without much result

but that’s gone

(fortunately A. called me yesterday to meet up tomorrow

so that’s probably gonna happen)

 

and I didn’t do anything since 11 today

for a minute cooking seemed like a good idea

but not long enough to start peeling the pumpkin

I might get into the bath now

and go on with my latest true crime podcast

on Fb

A while ago, while rearranging the About page

I told Fb to leave me alone with anything about Á.

but out of caution I kept spending only the absolutely necessary time on it

today, however, I scrolled down on my news feed

and of course ran in into his new profile picture

(added only 8 hours ago)

and the very rare occasion has happened:

I felt physical pain

the tightening in my throat and chest

he seems happy

thriving even

(as of course everyone does on their profile picture)

and I can’t decide whether I hate him more

or myself for feeling these

on withdrawal

A month or so ago 

I started weaning myself off the antidepressant

very cautiosly, cutting just one sixth of the dose

now I am down to two third

and I wonder if I can really feel it

or if it's just placebo withdrawal

or simply some generic pain before bed

trying to avoid

looking the inner emptiness in the eye

horror vacui

(Meanwhile, I am having

The Most Embarrassing 

dreams of my life

seriously, I won't be able to 

look some people in the eye 

if it goes on much longer)

on being stuck

Today was great

I went to church in the morning

Fr. I. spoke good

then I met É. at a terrace

had an excellent mango cake

and a good conversation

and together walked to Alsóváros

she to the cemetery and 

I to MA's baptism

which was a very low-key event

barely any formality but lots of love

I ran away from all the happy families in the end

(though I only realise it now)

went to visit T. and the kids with two books

and stayed for lunch and coffee

and eventually walked home

Where I went on with the perfect Sunday afternoon

read and listened and 

went on with rearranging the furniture 

(good fun but no sensible result)

had a long bath

but something struck me in one of the audio books

nothing new to anyone, yet it struck me

that the first phase of grief, _denial_ means

that one doesn't want to go on 

with the new state of things

(rather than literally not believing 

as I was told earlier)

and that's trouble

because I can definitely see myself 

in that category 

Apparently (I mean in my life,

the book went on in a different direction)

it doesn't have much to do with my 

overall state of mind & life 

I can happily build on quicksand

and pretend that all's well

in fact I became so apt at it

that I myself started to believe it

but there is nothing beneath

just a gap

on having time

Work is stagnating still

and I don’t have to (or indeed: cannot) complain about 

my need and inability to tidy up

and so I am actually on the verge of boredom

not that there was nothing to do 

but procrastinating is easier

Anyway, to be able to have guests is great

F. came over for coffee today

and we had a light board game party on Sunday, too

(with three people who had no or very little contact so far)

And I also very much enjoy 

the freedom to put down things (!) whenever I need to

(since there are clear horizontal spaces available)

and the newly (re)gained vision-sharpness

for anything out of place

Meanwhile, the two big heaters had to be swapped 

for non-leaking ones (second-hand, of course)

which cost half my savings

but brought on a nice warm flat

on greater joys

M. came to visit me yesterday

all the way down from Buda

the weather was terrible

and he was pretty determined to avoid closed spaces

so we walked around a lot (about 7 km, Google tells me)

and ate and drank at various terraces

and he brought along Omerta as a present

and altogether it was the best way possible to spend that gloomy-wet day

Meanwhile, to help the gas man 

getting to my non-working heater (<convector> :D)

I eliminated the heap of stuff from in front of it

along with the heap of dust covering it

and eventually I 

did 

gain 

momentum 

and so by the time of M’s arrival at noon yesterday

I tidied up and hoovered the room properly

after 7+ months

or an eternity, as it felt

it still feels fresh, amazing, and kind of unreal

on little joys

Today I went out

in lovely sunshine (a T-shirt proved to be enough)

walked in the flood area forest and then on the dam

until my shoes gave me blisters

(which wasn’t very far, unfortunately)

I even touched the Tisza with my palms

a sensation that delights me ever since I was a child

I also talked on the phone to A.

turns out he had covid a few weeks ago

and was asked about all his contacts up until the point 

where he told them that he was a teacher

there it ended

not a single mention about his possible school contacts

another example of how badly this whole thing is handled here

F. was over for coffee

we sat on the balcony

I’ve got a proper, paper letter 

from my high school literature teacher

Tomorrow we’ll go home with the whole bunch

my father will be made an "honorary citizen"

on mood swings

It’s nowhere near the original meaning, probably
but for lack of a better word I’ll call it mood swing

More times than I care to count

I find myself really bracing myself for tidying up

even imagining the resulting peace and comfort

but every single time when I could actually start doing it

I lose momentum, interest, willpower

and just do nothing

I would very much like to read about this

whether others have encountered (and maybe overcome) similar resistance

where it may be rooted

but I have no idea how to even start googling it

on quarantine

Man proposes, God disposes.

Having planned about five events for the coming days,

I was being quarantined today

through contact tracing

Unfortunately I did not connect the dots in the morning:

M. texted me saying that our mutual friend A. was diagnosed covid positive

but I totally forgot that I spent half of Saturday with her

(after all, she's been living in Kecskemét for years)

and so I went and donated blood today

which will now be disposed of

Fortunately the isolation will only last till next Wednesday 

since the period counts from the day of the contact

but still, the moment that I knew I should not leave the flat,

I started walking round and round

like the lion in that tiny cage

back in my childhood zoo

9 years

and no reason to celebrate.

I can’t really recall how I felt nine years ago

but all in all I was joy- and hopeful

feeling that my life was going in the right direction

looking forward to having a couple of children

and later growing old with Á.

Well, we all know how this story ended.

Today was o.k.

I mostly managed to divert my attention

went to mass in the evening

and thought how fitting it were

to kill myself tonight

but alas, I am not desperate (or just plain brave) enough

Meanwhile, I stumbled upon king David’s

pretty odd behaviour

and it left me wondering

whether I should try and carry on living 

as he did

since “the child’s dead, and I can’t bring it back”

David seems cool with it

but to me, well, easier said than done

on joys and burdens

A lot has happened since I last wrote here

I spent a good two days (and nights) and A., P., M. & J.’s house
helping out A. with her latest dietary requirements
and cleaning her kitchen :-)
it was good both in terms of fun and friendship
and also horribly tiring
their kids would kill me in about two days

I also had the vague feeling that if not the kids
then the mess would kill me in a week
but alas, I still haven’t got much further with my own room
so there must be some double standards at work here

On Friday I went to this amazing concert

and had the season’s first cup of mulled wine afterwards

(likely fortified with some spirit :-))

On Saturday I spent the forenoon (thanks, Miss Austen!)

with our and the other CLC group 

Fr. Gy. proved to be a lovely person

we had an amazing potluck lunch

and the whole thing was just totally effortless and light-hearted

I felt at home again

On Sunday B. took me for a ride

we had a pizza in Sándorfalva

good fun as always

Yesterday I cooked some quince cheese

"some" meaning that pretty much all my bowls are full of it now :-D

and I have a hard time figuring out how and where to dry them out completely

once I removed them from the bowls

I also made the decision to join a small group 

at the "start-up" fellowship that gives my job 

it will probably be a place to give back

since the members (with the exception of the leader)

are more "beginners" in faith

(we are somehow all single women, too

which somehow makes me a bit uncomfortable)

Another joy is the Online Film Club

run by N. from York

and our new routine in which we watch the film Monday night

with J. on her (well, N.’s) large screen TV 

Among the burdens, I’ve got into a pretty difficult place of work

having to answer dozens of questions by the lawyer 

about the website that is still not finished

And then there is the room

with the heaps of (off and in-season) clothes

and other heaps of stuff

buried in dust

and the fact that I am going to sleep later and later every night

despite declaring my intention to do it earlier

on loyalty, imaginary or real

I told G. & A. way back that I won’t attend the harvest this year 
yet when they told me a few days ago that they invited Á.
I felt very much hurt

In my mind
the inevitable is happening
people get over their initial indignation
shrug and say "well, he must have had his reasons"
make peace and then friends with A.
and in the end he’ll have it all
and I’ll have nothing

I guess it’s not exactly realistic
nevertheless this is how I feel
and in theory that’s neither good nor bad

but in fact it is rather bad
for it makes me see painfully clearly
how very, very far I have come
from the generosity I truly felt
towards him just a year and a half ago

I am moving backwards
not only in terms of the external stuff
but even as a person

I try not to imagine where I will end up

on aging, part 2

When I was young, I never understood

why people would fret over their age

then as I grew older

I drifted farther and farther

from where I ought to have been

and with that, the fretting started

Around this time before turning 30

I remember posting "emotional turmoil" on Fb

to which P. replyed with interest

and so we sat down in an outdoor cafe next to Nyugati

and I wept about certainly not bearing a child by the age of 30

(he was remarkably uncompassionate 

which hurt deeply)

at that time I held that the latest age

for having a first child

is 35

(the example being my uncle & aunt

who were about 40 

when my nephew was born)

Well, that should be over by now

but it isn't

instead, I took another step backwards 

with the divorce

on aging

Maybe because my birthday was so unusual this year
I was more aware of my .5th
and now that that too is over
I started agonising on shortly becoming 40
something totally unimaginable

Of course it shall be just as it always is:
nothing changes from one day to the next

I will get used to ticking one box lower in all those web-forms
to being in a whole different decade than most of my friends
and in the same one with many others
who always seemed so put together
who have kids in high school

comparison is the thief of joy
but how am I to fend it off
should I live on a desert island?

(What makes this post especially tragic is that I kept planning
a proper joyous one
with all the delights of the weekend...)

on constantly monitoring myself

I’m not sure how helpful it is
but I find myself taking my mental temperature
many times a day

feeling worse is familiar ground
this dread of sleep that led me here now
that envy toward my friends having their babies
that deep, deep sadness

feeling better, on the other hand, fills me with some vague remorse
because it means that I am becoming unfaithful
(to what exactly? my ideals?)

and the latest: I don’t want to eventually just "feel good"
because the only way I can imagine that 
is by burying whatever pains me now
and that’s unworthy of the cause

and who knows whether when I feel better now
I am not doing exactly that

but who will tell me if and when I am actually healing?
how will I know? 

on some newly found joys

A few weeks ago I set off
to create some sort of an evening routine
of course the usual way, wanting it all at once :-)
but a few steps seem to stick
(if it is not too late already at the start):
I brew a cup of lemon balm tea infusion
light a candle
and pray with some audio examen while sipping it
I stretch a bit
and the happiest: I step out to the balcony
and say good-night to the moon :-)
which is strangely comforting
even in the night chill

Also, sleeping in a cool room 
does make a big difference for me 
I think I only shut my window fully once so far
[would someone please tell me the correct word order???]
and don’t mind even the initial cold
because I sleep so much better this way

(also, should I close the window,
I would probably die after the first few nights
in the dust of my room :D)

Another joy was to have lunch and coffee and cake with P. today
we figured we met last at A.’s birthday
close to 4 months ago
a shame, really
but we had a great conversation at last

And we also had a video chat with N. and A. in the morning
which provided a glimpse into each other’s days
I’m glad for that, too

And I sent a message to S., finally
he’s on his way to Wroclaw
feeling a bit better than the last time we chatted (months ago :-( )

And I am horribly worried for K.
something for St. Therese of Lisieux to work hard on

on a life lesson, learned again

On Wednesday I finally sent a text to Sr. A.
and got a call from an unknown number
while sitting at choir practice
and a text saying
This is Sr. J., please call me back about Sr. A.

and then I pretty much knew

but I would never have dreamt that she died
right that previous night
just when I reached out to her
after months and months of procrastinating

and I (should’ve) learned it with B. bácsi 
our dear old musical history teacher
way back in 2000
when I didn’t post him
that card from Warsaw
with the Chopin monument

I have to pay more attention to my parents

the age of weddings and baptisms 
is slowly but surely changing 
into the age of funerals

on gender issues

So this year's International Booker Prize winner is a Dutch book
written by an author not yet 30
who “identifies as both male and female”
and it made me face it once again:
I am unsettled by these new identities

With a little thinking, I could also work out why:
age and sex are the first two signposts for me
about how to relate to anyone

I remember well when I had to talk to a lady in burqa
at the Visitors’ Centre in Strangeways
and I felt lost
not having any idea of her age
(even with the English language not really distinguishing
between, say, a formal or an informal address) 

Anyway, last night I downloaded the novel’s first four chapters (Amazon sample)
and found that it is indeed very well written (and translated to English)
would probably be well worth reading
despite its dark theme

on the joys of autumn

Finally I don't have to let my blinds down

because the sun doesn't rise too early

and because it's not hot in the mornings any more

my plants will be glad for the light

and so am 

(if only it would flood

a tidy and clean room...!)

the air is also crisp

and somehow smelling autumn-like

hoodie-weather

(if only I had that hoodie...)

on shame

Yesterday I listened to a podcast episode on shame

it was very interesting indeed

turns out that shame works differently from other emotions

even on the neuron (?) level:

while others may be reversed fairly easily

shame's paths are somehow more set

meaning that unlike after, say, hearing someone apologise

and never being angry with them again

shame keeps coming back

It reminded me of what I once heard

that (Catholic) women who had an abortion

keep confessing it

I always found it (scary and) weird

you are forgiven, why would you confess anything more than once

but by now I understood 

I could do it with the divorce

(and it wasn't even my decision)

The other interesting thing in the podcast

was that just as we are not getting into shame alone

we can't get out of it alone either

we need the acceptance of others

(for ourselves, not for our actions)

on dragging along

It's not nearly as bad as it was a few months ago

but I still lack energy or vitality

I still prefer to cancel group events

and procrastinate a lot

but some of my official programs were cancelled, too

so I could go to Szalafo for almost 4 weeks

whether that would be wise remains to be decided

Meanwhile yesterday "marked" the first psychodrama session

which was exhausting

probably more or less due to my very strong reistance

I still feel the urge to back out

there's going to be sweat and blood

and mirrors in which 

I am not sure if I am prepared to look into

and then there is the self-consciousness 

and the fact that I am miles away from my body

it actually feels strange to try and express myself 

in any other way than through words

on work strategies

Today I asked my boss 

whether he'd be o.k.

with me sending him a two-line email

each workday night

telling him what I've been doing

because apparently

(and pretty shamefully but never mind that)

I run on accountability

I wonder what he'll say to it tomorrow

(in fact, as far as self-hacks go

I think it's quite a good one

he wouldn't even have to read them)

Meanwhile, I've been to Pomaz

for Dad's birthday

it was nice

(I asked him about my reaction

on Mum's homecoming at 4 months

and he said he can't remember anything exceptional happening)

and so was little E's baptism in Keszthely

a very intimate event

with way too much to eat afterwards

I still can't get my head around

being bestowed so much trust upon

by G. and A.

it actually feels like a compelling reason to stay alive

By night we found out that

someone from the community of the baptising priest 

was found COVID positive in Budapest

we are still waiting for the test result of Fr. Z.

on nothing in particular

I worked totally insufficiently this whole week

it weighs on my conscience 

but at least today I got to catch up with A.

having last met around the end of June

it was nice

S. K. is off to Germany for about three months

so much for her calling me :-)

N. flew back to Y. today

I wonder if she'll get the next job there

I listened to a ton of podcasts

and radio dramas

and ate half a melon today

which was almost sweeter than I wished for

I overspent horribly this week

and just realised a week or so ago

that I ignored YNAB's advice

namely to live on last month's paycheck

and slipped into living 

on the most recent one

and that might be worth reversing if I can

BUT I washed my hair

and went house-minding

without being forced to do either

(if not by the urge of procrasti-working...)

on these days

Yesterday I helped P. tuning the organ in Makó
it involved lots of scaling on the keyboard
and lots of handing over pipes to him
(preferably in some set order :-))
it was great fun, I had hours to read meanwhile,
and he payed me very handsomely in the end

Today I did a little bit of translation
but it will be a drag this way
I could hardly make myself do it
and payed a lot for eating and drinking out
and then when I came home, all my energy left (again)
and I skipped the gospel choir
and only the occasion makes me
willing to get up and move to the pub
(it being N.’s farewell party)

I was admitted to the psychodrama group
I have half a mind to let go of it
it will by all probabilities be so painful

Meanwhile the lectures which I should attend
(organised by my workplace and selling "my" coffee)
were reshuffled again
meaning that I could spend two weeks at most in Szalafő

Nothing ever works out the way I’d like it to

on a few pieces of the jigsaw falling to place

Today I went to an introductory interview
with S. Ó. for the psychodrama
a downright amazing business, as it turned out

At first she seemed rather reserved or even rigid
asking me for explanations whenever I wasn’t crystal clear

On a whim I told her the story
that my mother left for a month in England
when I was three months old
(the chance came before I was concieved
and in 1981 one did not hesitate much to take it)
I saw her face darken
she asked how I reacted when she returned
but no stories of that, unfortunately

Anyway, I went on with my life story
coming eventually to the divorce
she listened for a while
I started crying
and then all at once she said something like

You know, I have the feeling
that you are re-living that abandonment by your mother now
and that's what makes you feel so powerless
as an adult, one has lots of resources to use, a whole life
but a baby is utterly vulnerable
that was a trauma
for which you may well be angry at her
you would have needed your mother

My jaw dropped
and I asked what is there to do now
to which she replied much like
PálFeri in one of his lectures:
start loving and caring for that baby
tell her you will never abandon her

I was dead tired after that half an hour
got a coffee at a fancy open-air place
and told N. via chat
she wasn't nearly as impressed as I
which affected me surprisingly badly
but only for a short time

In the afternoon I met my brother
told him, too 
he replied with uncharacteristic empathy
and that felt nice

I also met A. in the evening
but didn’t tell her :-)

on dreams failing me (or I them)

So the days go by more or less fine

but I seem to have lost a few dreams again

much as I liked the idea of a South East Asian backpacking adventure

I decided to give it one more thought

when I realised that given the choice

I would always opt for mountain over sea

and cold/dry over hot/humid

but nowhere else would so little money

take me nearly so far

and two weeks of backpacking

sounds a lot less promising life-change-wise

than three months

then there was the idea of moving to Sz.

for October

but alas, that would make doing away with myself way too easy

so maybe I should abandon it

"for the time being"

then I finally called a gas man to fix the stovetop

where one of the "roses" wasn't working

and then (just as he foretold it, in fact)

while trying to fix it, he actually killed another one, too

leaving me with the need for a new one

which in turn made me realise

that I wished for a built-in stove

in my future kitchen

but I obviously can't start 

a complete renovation now

and won't replace the stove again

sometimes I'd like to sell the flat

and just spend the money travelling the world

without a single care for the ever-eluding "future"

(including those more abstract 

and even less attainable dreams

like a husband and kids)

Maybe I should look at it 

from the point of view that at least 

I had some new dreams to lose

on parallel work

I prefer this term to cowork, I think

because it expresses better

that everyone's doing their own job

much like tiny children play alongside one another

yet not together

Anyway, I had a great session of this today with N.

I was more productive than at any time recently

even translated a bit

and realised once again

my tragedy, that I usually don't allow myself 

the time required to get into the "translation zone"

where I am actually pretty close to flow

In the evening I listened to A. K.

lecturing (and telling many stories)

on resilience

it was very interesting

and I also enjoyed interpreting

to a nice elederly American couple

I learned from them how Robert Ford

stigmatized train travel and even walking (!)

as part of his pro-car campaign

and what a success it became...!

on singing

There were three choir rehearsals 

before tonight's concert 

of which I skipped the first two

but in just half an hour 

I could feel the difference on the last one

not to mention the fact that we sang

along the local symphonic orchestra

which made it a lot more fun to do

and to listen to :-)

Other than this, not much

The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins

(read by Phoebe Judge)

2048 till my wrist hurts

an experiment in intermittent fasting (16/8)

lots of procrastination 

some suicidal fantasies 

some dreams about trying to avoid stuff

(from having to play the bassoon

to getting raped)

Oh, yesterday I processed 

much of the tangible memories 

of the last 6ish years

(tickets &c.)

it was actually easier than I thought

on holiday, again

I get a lot of Balaton this summer, it seems

here I am in Keszthely again

since yesterday

Sz. took me to a group of foreigners (pensioners, in fact)

practicing Hungarian conversation

it was great fun, we hit it off splendidly 

though (yet again) I couldn't resist

marvelling at some amazing British accents

and worse, chatting a fair bit in my not so amazing Mancunain

(which nevertheless got me the kind compliment of 

"your English is exceptional")

anyway, I'll send them some online resources

and then they may or may not use them

We also talked a lot with Sz.

or to be honest, I did

and asked way less than I ought to have

but I saw their lovely new home

and garden

and the Cameroonian sheep next door (or rather garden)

and had a fine lunch made by her husband

in many aspects a life I shall never have

while in many others one very close to mine

We've also stood a bit in the water

shared a pizza

walked around quite a bit 

climbed to St Michael's chapel nearby

and met Sz's third cousin

a friendly architect who's currently working on a farm house in Pomáz

Then today I came to G & A & little E 

G wasn't at home till 9pm

but with the "girls" we walked around in the centre quite a bit

ate ice cream

and I was talked to a lot more than asked

which felt like the universe balancing out my previous performance

on a way too lazy weekend

Let's see:

I bought soda water from the manufacturer lady 

two doors down the street

made two kinds of salmon salads

got the next granola delivery from T.

wrote the introductory letter for the psichodrama ladies

had dinner tonight with Cs.

and that was it for the weekend, I guess

on the one I will never be

Somehow

recently

l started feeling that pain again

of every baby reminding me

of my never-to-be one(s)

Today at mass however

I’ve got the bright idea

to hand it over to Jesus

Who, unsurprisingly, 

didn’t deem it proper 

to take it away

right then and there

but heck, at least it wasn’t

a completely destructive startegy

on a new beginning

Today I finally got to visit P.

after a gap of nearly 7 months

and I was almost surprised to find 

that 2 hours were enough

to comfortably catch up

(mostly him with me, naturally 

but I too got a glimpse)

It felt like homecoming

like "fine-processing" recent events

that have already gone through

the rougher mills

but never became quite consistent

I got to choose my penance, too

"write that letter to the prison tonight"

I said without hesitation

and so by now it is done

right up to the post-ready envelope

on the end of the group therapy

I was quite disappointed
ever since finding out that it ends here

I really don’t feel much improved

despite what was said today 
(namely that each one of us present 

has found her mental resources

and grew since we last met)

Maybe I just had too high expectations

But there was one very interesting observation 

made directly to me:

that the verb halogat

feels as though I was leaving things to die

***

Meanwhile, a starting psychodrama group 

came across me today

and I realised that maybe

the fullness of time arrived for me 

to try it 

on a new circle of people

Interestingly 

since the divorce I've gotten into more new groups

than I have in a couple of years before:

the two choirs

Tiszavirág, the Faith & Light community

the therapy group

the “women's club” by the Calvinists

and now my workplace

(although naturally there are overlaps between them)

Lots of remarkable women seem to surround me

of a wide age range:

the conductresses and pastors’ wives

those fabulous girls in Tiszavirág

Zs. told me how glad she is these days

for the company of women

(esp. after having had a male for spiritual director

who was excellent but still a man)

I laughed a bit

probably because as a Catholic, I am socalised to men as priests 

but I seem to understand her actually

I can do with some more godly women in my life

I wonder if ever anyone will think of me in similar terms

Anyway, tonight we had a workplace meeting

where all the people working in different teams met

they of course all knew one another, except me

but I knew some

and somehow we all hit on pretty well

it reminded me of P.’s old saying:

“I've been to enough Church groups to be comfortable”

on letting myself to be touched

I am being moved

by more than one influence today

fortunately all going towards the right direction 

or more exactly towards God

I probably needed to eliminate 

that greatest of all distractions

to make myself at least a bit 

more aware, more sensitive 

to the still, small Voice

but I also needed this community 

(in which I am still 

on the edge of my comfort zone)

these young people with all sorts of disabilities and conditions

these very broken and very loving people

and their very young, kind and mature friends-and-helpers

and I needed the floor picture prayers

and the songs

and the smiles

and P.

on dreams

Another way-too-sweet dream last night

the odd thing is only 

that the most basic circumstances stayed in their real state[s?]

(just as last time, in my 

Most Embarrassing Dream Ever)

and thus a bit of controll still remained

(to my relief, if I'm honest...)

My mind isn't very subtle these days

my most vivid dreams seem to be

pretty direct projections

of some dormant or never-admitted stuff

on wanting to whine

My no. 1 channel for complaining

has dried up recently

(with two of the four participants leaving)

and I just start to notice

how unhesitatingly

I threw all my (real and imaginary)

woes, whines, pains and complaints

in their "face" 

in the digital space

in the hope of some crumbs of compassion 

I must have been quite difficult to bear

at least from time to time

on depression, part 4

Ever the naïve one

I hoped up to yesterday

that work will fall in that absolutely must category...

but alas, no

I’ve been procrastinating it for three days now

and now I only have 1.5 ahead

for the rest of the week(end) is booked

(plus maybe the evenings 

but by every chance I’ll be exhausted by then)

Wanda the fortune-teller fish was right:

I single-handedly fought myself into this hopeless mess 

on depression, part 3

(Disclaimer: I should’ve said earlier

but at least now I do—

I was never diagnosed with depression

so my use of the word is more in the common way

than in the professional sense)

Sometimes a little impetus (momentum?) goes a long way

yesterday I had to go to the work meeting

and once I was out

it was easier to manage everything that needed moving around

(shops, getting some stuff back from N.)

the key in these cases is 

never to let the idea of

“I'll do it later” creep in

because once I’m at home

only the next non-negotiable meeting 

will blow me out

At home I could then happily resume 

laziness extreme

(but only after frying a spinach frittata

washing and hanging out two loads of laundry 

and feeding all the plants)

continued from yesterday

Next, I start postponing my tasks.

I do this in good faith initially

really believing that in half a day or one

I will just be up to them

Tasks also have the tendency to call for each other

and so I can save a lot of energy with putting them off:

if I don’t go shopping now

I can stay in my pyjamas

and so on

I also tend to cancel appointments with friends

(added bonus: no hair washing needed)

claiming tiredness and/or a foul mood

meeting them might of course have made me feel slightly better

but life here is so not about vague future possibilities 

Later it becomes evident that 

I will not feel up to anything

in half a day or one

but by that time I will have made peace with this

and just wait

playing on my laptop or phone

(So far, I have not skipped

the night teeth brushing

or any work-related appointments 

these are the boundaries at present)

on the sneaky ways of depression

I start seeing this pattern

at one point I just lose interest in everything

plans, dreams and ideas

that felt life-giving a day before

(like travelling the world

or, at an earlier time, painting the flat)

lose their appeal completely 

things to do become huge, almost insurmountable 

I do only what I absolutely must

but it’s a bit like a water bed:

if I push one side of it hard

the rest becomes even more useless

I felt this in the morning today

all my resistance concentrated

in that lying flat on my back

that I can’t get up

because from the moment that I do

I am on the conveyor belt of 

everyone else’s day

carried along 

whether I like it or not

As to the pattern

I also ate about 250 g of chocolate

(from the sweeter types)

in a mere 36 hours

and didn’t even feel guilty

Also in these days

no progress seems real 

all I try to do for myself

is a pathetic effort

to keep up appearances 

most importantly that of holding up

but every perceived improvement is just superficial

and at the bottom nothing ever changes

(at least not for the better)

After a while

crying might set in

although technically that may not be a depression symptom

(I think)

but it usually leads to despair

Today I’ve been crying

pretty much all the way from Kt. to Szeged

on day 9

On Friday 

I was struck by a bout of depression

(the I-won't-do-nothing kind)

packing my meager stuff felt like some horrible, mounting task

in the end I just stuffed it all in my bag

B. went home on the motorbike

so there were only three of us left

and we set off around 11 or so

and travelled in the worst heat

all the while with some bottlenecks poking my ribs

I wasn't quite in my best mood on arrival 

but of course the baby was cute as a button

her parents chatting incessantly :-)

I helped G. with labelling and packing in a few bottles

Zs. cooked a nice mushroom stew for dinner

I finished Cover Her Face

and slept alone in the big house

with both doors wide open

I was a little bit afraid but managed well

read a ton and enjoyed the chilly draught

musing

I wonder if I needed

to be good at anything

good enough to be able to tell people

everyone seems to be very good at something:

wine, mushrooms, motorcycles, computers and computer games, memes, animations, cooking, cars, babies

while I, quite frankly, just can't say

a meaningful word to any of these

or to ever so many other topics

The same old not-enough-ness again

maybe I should just free myself of it

and decide that devil may care

But unfortunately today (again)

won't be the day to do this

I just feel useless amd miserable 

on days 7 & 8

Yesterday 

the morning was spent making and eating tarkedli 

(I only took part in the latter, to mu shame)

N. left for home

then a bit of siesta

and the rest of us set off to visit

the two medieval churches in the neighbourhood 

(we were pretty lucky with the second one

because the guy came back to open it once again

after the official hours)

afterwards I went to bed early

I slept badly the previous night

so I was dead tired

Today

we all woke late

so we started in fairly hot weather 

towards the open-air museum

complete with goats, buffallos and strudel

Zs. & F. bought a ton of cold-pressed oils

and pàlinka

on the way back

then we walked down to Ő., the nearest restaurant 

and had dödölle

then some downtime back home

and some firegazing to end the day with

on day 6

In the morning we went for a short walk:

piglets, mushrooms, cheese, milk, beer

got back in horrible heat

had a long siesta

with reading, later board games

I got to the end of the backpacker book

and decided to start in South East Asia

which looks both 

very interesting and quite cheap

we sang in the evening

and continued the heartfelt conversation

(a.k.a. breakup)

with B.

on day 5

(Last night's post was lost

due to the crashing of the Blogger app

sorry)

Today we rode (by car) to a lake

where I haven't been before

it's a beautiful place

though I had no inclination to bathe 

I had a good lángos and coffee

made by a nice older couple

Back here we visited the piglets

they are really cute still :-)

Zs. cooked us a chicken soup in bogrács

and afterwards grilled chicken

I read quite a bit from

Hogyan menjünk világgá

an amazingly inspiring book indeed

we gazed at the fire for quite a while

and had a heartfelt conversation with B.

at long last

on day 3

So it has been a pretty deficient day this far

heavy rain all night and lighter all day

a lot of "dead time" before leaving

then some waiting in the rain for the

planned cellar to open

some tasting 

because you can't not

after the second cup I just started crying

and feel like that ever since

I am inadequate 

don't know a thing about wine and 

am not even interested

I am not interested in anything, really

and definitely not good at anything

how did I even get here

a stranger in my own life

***

something has gone awry in my nervous system

and I can't see how to reverse it

I had way too high an expectation

with thinking that I may have a whole week in which to feel good

when I so obviously am not ready for it

and don't deserve it either

UPDATE:

This. Is. It.