Today I went to an introductory interview
with S. Ó. for the psychodrama
a downright amazing business, as it turned out
At first she seemed rather reserved or even rigid
asking me for explanations whenever I wasn’t crystal clear
On a whim I told her the story
that my mother left for a month in England
when I was three months old
(the chance came before I was concieved
and in 1981 one did not hesitate much to take it)
I saw her face darken
she asked how I reacted when she returned
but no stories of that, unfortunately
Anyway, I went on with my life story
coming eventually to the divorce
she listened for a while
I started crying
and then all at once she said something like
You know, I have the feeling
that you are re-living that abandonment by your mother now
and that's what makes you feel so powerless
as an adult, one has lots of resources to use, a whole life
but a baby is utterly vulnerable
that was a trauma
for which you may well be angry at her
you would have needed your mother
My jaw dropped
and I asked what is there to do now
to which she replied much like
PálFeri in one of his lectures:
start loving and caring for that baby
tell her you will never abandon her
I was dead tired after that half an hour
got a coffee at a fancy open-air place
and told N. via chat
she wasn't nearly as impressed as I
which affected me surprisingly badly
but only for a short time
In the afternoon I met my brother
told him, too
he replied with uncharacteristic empathy
and that felt nice
I also met A. in the evening
but didn’t tell her :-)
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