on the sneaky ways of depression

I start seeing this pattern

at one point I just lose interest in everything

plans, dreams and ideas

that felt life-giving a day before

(like travelling the world

or, at an earlier time, painting the flat)

lose their appeal completely 

things to do become huge, almost insurmountable 

I do only what I absolutely must

but it’s a bit like a water bed:

if I push one side of it hard

the rest becomes even more useless

I felt this in the morning today

all my resistance concentrated

in that lying flat on my back

that I can’t get up

because from the moment that I do

I am on the conveyor belt of 

everyone else’s day

carried along 

whether I like it or not

As to the pattern

I also ate about 250 g of chocolate

(from the sweeter types)

in a mere 36 hours

and didn’t even feel guilty

Also in these days

no progress seems real 

all I try to do for myself

is a pathetic effort

to keep up appearances 

most importantly that of holding up

but every perceived improvement is just superficial

and at the bottom nothing ever changes

(at least not for the better)

After a while

crying might set in

although technically that may not be a depression symptom

(I think)

but it usually leads to despair

Today I’ve been crying

pretty much all the way from Kt. to Szeged