the one on New Years' Eve

Eventually I've got a half-hearted invitation
(it's probably more of under-organisation than half-heartedness)
but if I think back on this year
my heart sinks
and if I think of the coming one
it sinks even farther.
So no
I really don't need happy-clappy people around me
living more or less the life they wish to
and they don't need me there either.

But
I got rid of the double bed this morning
a friend took it apart and home as long as it sells
I can so feel the Someone Else's Problem shield on it from this moment

I took the divorce paper from the post office
and had a surprisingly enjoyable lunch with N.
followed by a not too good mulled wine on Dóm Square

And then my last set plan for the day
was to kill myself off Facebook
but it cannot be
because from yesterday on (!)
there is no way to register with only a phone number
so deactivation it has to be
as appealing as deletion would be.

the one on "Friends"

My most pathetic

and at the same time 

most enjoyable

holiday night (and day) ever:

binge-watching Friends (for about 12 hours or so. So far).

And it counts as catching up on some long awaiting cult-movies! It comes up fairly often in pub quiz.

Yesterday I also got to try
the new 

proper
non-stopping IC train

that really did manage it in 2 hrs and 2 mins.

And, speaking of trying new stuff

tonight I took a whole piece of med #2

along with about 4 cl of liquor--

but nothing interesting seems to come of it. :-(

Next time I won't have an oily dinner beforehand.
(UPDATE: Apparently I needed quite a few
pills to get a noticeable kick.
Too bad, for the rest of my stock is
badly needed
for its original purpose.)

on the second day of Christmas

We arrived to Pomaz safe & sound

I didn't spend more than two hours upstairs

crying & wishing my life away

sent out a few desperate e-mails and messages

ate way too much

got some quite wonderful presents:

two mugs, a sugar bowl and a boiler pot (?) from the same set of which I already have a honey pot and a mug;

two pairs of lovely pyjamas;

a Paperblanks diary (this, as well as one set of PJs, quite accidentally)

I wonder if ever I'll feel as though my life was worth capturing

in such a beautiful journal

designed for eternity.

(Here I can wail and whatnot--this is just a line of 0s and 1s

but there...!)

Be full of Life

Life moves. It shakes.
It grows from the Holy Spirit’s desire to fill everything,
to make everything fertile,
and to become flesh in everything.

Life wants to break the hardness of stones,
to water the parched earth,
and heal the sick heart.

God wants to enter our history
as water enters a sponge.
In the hardness of the world
God goes mining one by one
the stones of our history.

With a time and patience different from ours.
God sees every answer in a woman's heart.
She says yes!
God comes into the world
in something as sudden as childbirth.

God weaves life
even through our cracks and reserves.
The God of life becomes flesh,
breaking our aridity.

In the middle of the night
the Spirit of God opens up and flows into our lives.
Inviting us, Jesuits and Friends:
to show the way to God;
to walk side by side with the poor and excluded;
to accompany by creating future and hope for young people;
to collaborate in the care of our Common Home

This is how, at Christmas,
God continues giving us a new Spirit,
removing our heart of stone,
and filling us with a new life
that beats and flows in the world
with a heart of flesh.

José de Pablo SJ

on Christmas

Yesterday in the morning
I was agonising again
then had a tea, a coffee and a lively chat
with A.
in English, as part of an exam preparation for her
and in the end I felt better

The afternoon was fun, doing all the angel-stuff
with my sister-in-law and goddaughter
we got to the nativity play just a little late
came home together
sang, prayed, opened the presents
ate
played Concept, and laughed out loud
went to the midnight mass with my nieces

and then I woke up
and couldn't fall back to sleep
and there made the mistake of taking a sleeping pill.
I then slept till about 11
ate a way too sweet "breakfast"
and fell to bed once again
only to have feverish fits of sleep
all the while thinking that I shouldn't
because I won't be able to sleep tonight.

I got up finally around 3
in a state of stupor
out of touch with everything.

To make matters worse
I am constipated
and worrying increasingly about going home tomorrow.
Not being still feels a lot more appealing
than this state of life.

on insecurity

Today I had to drive
surely less than a km one way
(and then back)
I was completely stressed out by it
nothing happened, of course
but it was a great example
of just how totally insecure I am in,
like, everything.

A few hours later I got a reply from the translation agency
telling me that after evaluating the orthography tests
they would like to call me in to an interview
whose time we can discuss in January.
It didn't stir much feeling in me
it's good to know that I still know
how to write properly (the only thing with which I ever won any competition, come to think of it)
but if it were an option, I'd skip the whole thing
(as T. did back in our university time with her exams, come to think of it)
I absolutely cannot picture myself succeeding
(in this or in anything else)
but then I still have about two weeks
pigs might fly

But at least I start having some notion on why I must have been left
really, I am not viable
how on earth do I expect to be suffered
let alone loved?!

on the same stuff

This starts to feel like virtual littering
or "emotional incontinence"
but at least here I don't bombard a concrete person
that should be a bit of a mitigation
I hope

Anyway(s)
things look bleaker than ever
I know I've said that (many times) before
but so it is
I was crying a lot today
mostly at church
(not loudly, just with that distorted face)
I actually spent something like half an hour
fully believing that if God loved me
he'd have had me killed long before
or at least have very soon
than somehow the absurdity of it dawned on me
but I am light years from really trusting Him
all I can honestly say is that I would like to want to trust
(analogue to the "Do you desire ti desire?" question)
I admire those before me
who in similar situations
bowed their heads and acknowledged
God's authority over
all
things
inculding
illness
depression
anxiety
and so on
I admire them but as it turnes out
I don't have a half of their faith
and so I collapse

 (Here I collapsed into bed last night.)

Ismét December

Birtokba venni miért kívánjam
e meddő és sötét időt? E nyirkos és
villanyfények között imbolygó délutánban
kinek érzékei ne sejtenék meg az év
legmélyebb pontját – a várakozás idejét,
az átmenetét? A közt vagy átjárót két ismeretlen
tér közt… A vonulást a kiszáradt medren át.
Az üzletek fölött, fenyőgallyak közé fűzötten
mezítelen villanyégők világolnak a ködben,
melynek sem centrumát, sem szilárd
partját nem érezni. Érzékeim is alacsony lángra csavartan
égnek. Miért akarjam
lángba borítani e homályos téli órát,
az alkonyét? E szétfolyó időt, amely sem
vágyát a szívnek, sem örömét az elmének, sem elragadtatását
a léleknek nem ismeri? Szélbe vetetten
az ellenállás nélküli közegben
elúsznak tetteim. A hídon, a fekete víz felett,
ritkítva a ködöt, a sárga kandeláberek
lobbantják föl a szél testét. Ki mint folyóba fog
lépni a mi időnkbe, majd a sötéten
áradó, vízszagú szélben
érez először önmagára. Most
nincs tárgya még a vágynak. Várakozz…

(Rakovszky Zsuzsa)

on sadness, for a change

Anything I do
is just an attempt at escaping
the pain that's eating me away.
I guess I should give in to it
whatever that may mean
resistance is futile, that's clear enough by now
maybe acceptance would do the trick
although at present I can only imagine it
as death.

on the afternoon & evening

After the church cleaning
I had a coffee with A.
at which I forgot to ask her something important
but I only came to realise it afterwards
otherwise it was great
I am so grateful for her
(and we actually sat outside
the weather's crazy!)

Then I walked home
bought a (charitable) used book on the way at the library
on botanical gardens in Hungary
would be nice to start ticking off the ones I've been to
they invariably make me happy
(do I want to be happy?)

I found the plant stand
which I had to leave in the cellar two days ago
not having my keys on myself
and I even screwed it up together
(with lots of useless work on the way, of course)
and it's quite pretty

And then I went to help Sz. with the moving
and by the time I got there, I felt exhausted
just wishing to lay down to sleep and never wake up
not sure about the reason but maybe there is no reason
and she was very downcast, too
but somehow it didn't worsen my state
we even managed to do a bit of packing
I try to concentrate on the notion that I was a bit useful to her
but I came home feeling that I haven't done anything for Christmas.

And then the "Betlehem players" came
a lot of them
they were cute
especially the boy with Down syndrome – I really regret that I didn't introduce myself to him.

on church floors, again

This morning I helped cleaning out the Franciscan church
all the while musing that alas, I became one of the worthy old and lonely matrons
who do this
which is of course nowhere near true
yet this was my subconscious view
that people who have others to take care of
have no time for this.

At the same time though
while I was mourning my chance of a hectic Christmas with (my own) children
I also felt part of something bigger
as I was mopping the stone floor
made shiny (and slippery)
by the feet of the (local amd visiting) faithful
of half a millennium.
That church will hopefully be there
to proclaim the glory of God
long after I am gone and forgotten.

on meetings and other stuff

Yesterday I visited M. in K.
along with her smallest son
our godson
they were both very nice
and we managed to have a quite even conversation
in which we both
shared about ourselves
and listened to each other
it was a bit of a change, and definitely a good one.

Today I visited Gy.
just two streets away
met her smallest daughter
my namesake
they were both very nice
and we managed to have a quite good conversation
despite the fact that the last time we did so
must have been about four or five (and possibly more) years ago
I hope it won't be so much till the next time.

Meanwhile I keep doing the hard but necessary stuff
on Tuesday I sent off a Christmas and farewell card to my (former) parents-in-law
today I walked along a street on which I never dared walk since spring
because of the memories attached to it
I don't think that these help
but maybe prevent some further deterioration
and in fact help isn't the point either--
they feel like non-negotiables
like duties
like putting one foot in front of the other
whether I like it or not.

I also started listening to Oliver Twist
I need to listen to each chapter 1.5-2 times on average to get them
(mostly because I don't pay enough attention)
but all in all I think I like it (a great reader, needless to say).

on motor riding and cinema

Motorcycling yesterday was fun
less fun than last time
(novelty wears off?)
but still pretty good
and it also gave me the feeling that
I did something for myself

Afterwards I had a look
at the reopened cinema
it's nice and clean and new
but not completely finished yet
and very sterile, no decoration or such anywhere
just the bare walls.
My appetite for the cinema was whetted nevertheless
(much as it is every winter
somehow my visits peak in January each year
there seem to be better films on screen
and less other anything to do)
but this year I should definitely opt for a free month of Netflix instead
a pity that I somehow never can get beyond one film during the whole month
and not even so far in some cases.

on feeling badly, mostly

No one showed up (of those whom I invited)
but the concert was nice anyway
(and we had a last rehearsal at the time of the mass)
although I was close to tears
both on the way there
and back

I was wondering if it is proportionate
to the "punch" of the morning
and of course it isn't
it's just that I am like the castle
built from playing cards
you may give me the slightest flick
on any side
and I just collapse
(too bad Mum has no idea about this)

Anyway
I got home
only a bit sad that no one came
and yet very dejected all in all
then I took half a pill
was given a few gingerbread star towers to decorate
had a few words on my how-being with my sister-in-love
discussed the Holy Land with my brother
and had some almond liquor
and now, laying in the bath tub
life feels a bit more bearable again

At least I started feeling like motorcycling tomorrow
I was tempted to cancel my attendance
and just stay in bed for the day
(though I'm fairly sure that my brother wouldn't have left me--one extra point for moving home :-D)
as someone depressed ought to stay
I started having a few other symptoms signalling in that direction, too
like I have fewer and fewer answers
for the question "what would you enjoy, what do you desire right now?"
and also less and less interest in having an answer.

I also have this horribly tangled relationship with my friends
in my head
where I say no one's reaching out to me
but I do absolutely nothing
to reach out to them
and discount those cases when someone does call me.
Today A. called
whom I greeted on the fly this morning
when I arrived to the clinic
and also Gy.
who never answered my circulars
but showed up on the mass
with all three of their kids
and about two weaks ago sent me a text
saying let's meet
and so on Friday I'll visit her
and tomorrow the motor ride with B.
and he also wrote to me about the concert (coincided with the office Christmas party)
but then he was the only one to do that
and there is still silence around New Year's eve
over which it is totally crazy for me to be upset
since I don't intend to attend anyway
but upset I am

and all in all I really am not surprised
that people are fed up with my moaning
(that may have contributed to the happenings at therapy, too)
I should be glad for their patient listening this far

on being stuck

For the first time today
I left therapy with the feeling that
either I am being seen as stupid
or I am stupid
there was no resolution in the end
and now I feel worse than before.

I watch Christmas approaching
in some kind of a resignation
as something unavoidable
not good and not terrible
I could very well go on without it
and the whole festive whatever
and just skip from 23 Dec to 2 Jan
though that will be 2020
terrifying

Anyway, I wrote the first batch of cards last night
they certainly won't arrive on time
and in one case I'm unsure if it will ever reach the recipient
but at least that much I've done
to keep up the appearance of normality
otherwise about no preparations
no presents
no plans
no purpose
just a sense of emptiness.

I am also horribly tired
and just plain sad
and don't feel like walking a good half hour
to our choir concert
and then back
but I did invite a few people
and if they showed up, it wasn't nice on my part not to
though there may well be no one (known to me)
anyway, singing does me good
but I may skip the mass before it.

on perception

After two days of coming and going
up and down
this way and that
crowds everywhere (though not really horrible ones)
people shopping and taking photos galore
and buzzing all around

what came closest to me in Jerusalem
was the Western wall
(the "weeping" one as I'd call it)
which doesn't have much to do with Jesus
but where
probably for the first time in my life
I've seen a great many people
observing the rituals of another world religion
and that touched me deeply
seeing all those girls and women
with their books
in their very modest clothes
(even in colours--I've hardly seen other than black, grey, brown or dark green*)
praying so very earnestly
some moving their upper bodies
some close to dancing
some almost in tears

that was an amazing experience

totally different from the rest of the places
where the centuries and denominations
have all left their marks
and meanwhile the places became
something very far removed
from their original

this is indeed the primate of the simulacrum
the pictures and films seemed more real
more authentic

but in fact that had its own meaning too
I found myself amazed by the sheer amount of people
pilgrims and tourists
who came to these holy places before me
throughout the ages
whose soles and knees made the stone floors shiny (and slippery)
and who all left their marks
while the places became
something so far removed
from their original

* Neither on cars or walls, the whole city is kind of colourless

on my time here

I am dead tired
of the 2x2 hours of sleep the night before  last
and of all the stimuli
coming with a totally foreign culture
and 40ish people buzzing constantly
I am not very good with them, in addition
I should probably be more patient
when the last one wants to make their 476th selfie
and stays a hundred meters behind the rest
thus disabling the radio thingy
in which I would so like to hear the guide

And now I fear sleep
as I do at home
that's the most important reason
behind my screwed-up circadian rhythm
in some strange way I fear sleep
or my semi-conscious mind
not sure why
but I rather stay up
as long as I am able
doing anything
so usually I would keep listening to or reading anything
as long as it falls out of my hand
and only then would I realise that I have to pee
after which I would again need the same ritual avoidance

on my way, again

This time to the airport
for a part-work pilgrimage
in Jerusalem and Bethlehem

I am not prepared
and feel guilty for it
along with some anxiety over my general ability
to accompany a group of people
my self-confidence is hitting rock-bottom
(it hasn't been much better for at least a year now)
I wonder what would have to happen
to convince me that I may be able to do things
and do them well
anyway, if nothing else, at least my English is excellent
and with that I may be of some help to the pilgrims

I am curious also, naturally
never been to those parts
I am curious of the general feel of the Middle East
(though I'm sure there isn't really a "general feel" to the whole)
and of course about the places
where Jesus walked while he walked on earth

I hope God will reveal a bit of themself[?]
there, too

on money matters

So it has come to this
I was pretty careless with my money in recent weeks
if I am honest, I am not used to being frugal
(and hate being miserly)
and now I start wondering how to go on
not much income visible on the horizon yet
I'm not too worried (yet?)
I really felt no deprivation so far
if not that of letting go of some greater-scale plans (such as a new laptop or improving the flat)
but I'm still better off than many a better person

still, money matters.

on grieving

There is something horrifying
in the way how small things
(like filling the bath tub)
remind me of how things used to be
and more times than not
how I should have done
differently

For a few weeks now
the question on therapy was
"how do you feel, react
when emotional support ceases"
I spoke last week
one word card I chose said fear
and I can't even remember the others
they weren't very good ones
I couldn't really choose
anyway
the psychologist at the end looked at me
and said: "Fortunately making atonement was not among your cards"
I smiled and replied something like "no, it wasn't"
and wondered why he keeps coming up with stuff like that

Today we gave each other messages
from words and pictures
and yet again
somebody gave me the card to forgive
(actually it was the girl who told me
to forgive myself after my very first sharing)

and after the retreat
and my moving round and round
and my remorse over, like, anything and everything

it starts to make sense

on shouting

I tried it out finally

the yelling therapy

went out of the village

one valley farther

and said out loud 

whatever reason I could think of

to hate Á. and God

and after each one of them

I let out an inarticulate shriek

It was pretty good

not easy at first but I got better at it

it came from a place deeper and deeper

it even started to feel like some sort of a prayer

raw and honest 

you wouldn't yell at somebody that you don't care about

then I once heard some hallo-ing 

from the other side of the hill

then I turned my steps backwards

My throat aches a bit

nevertheless 

I think I may have

many more such sessions in myself

where could I do it near home

and when

and would I if it were not prescribed any longer

(though it could be

it came up earlier

in therapy as well as in ither conversations)

these are the questions

on the funk(?)

I shouldn't be doing this in public

("public" meaning about four people

as far as I can tell...

but still, I'm leaving a trace)

every time I fall, I feel like a fool

[that's an interesting sentence in terms of f..l words]

as I look back at my unreasonably hopeful-sounding posts

just days before.

Somehow it doesn't really work the other way round.

I am tempted to just give up

whatever that may mean

just stop trying

for all the doing isn't more than

pathetic attempts to hold on

by grabbing my own hair.

on (the?) two ways of being hungry

Last night I took a sleeping pill (med #1)

not for any mental disturbance, thank God 

just because I was afraid that 

if I can't go back to sleep much longer after 2am

than the 6am rorate mass will be in grave danger.

What I didn't realise (in my usual naïvite...)

was that since I haven't had one in a month 

it was bound to knock me off

and so getting up and staying awake for that single hour

was close to a nightmare

and even after getting back to sleep at 7am

I needed long hours of anything-but-restful slumber to make myself get up

eventually after 10:30

and still felt pretty numb well into the afternoon.

Anyway, the odder thing

was that I wanted to eat the whole day long

while my stomach hasn't been properly empty since I am here

(lunches are huge

two courses in restaurant portions

and about as much meat so far as I'd eat in a month)

and now I finally came to understand 

that there exists a mind-type hunger as well

that has nothing to do with my stomach

a very subtle one indeed

that just whispers "Eat. Eat." in my ear

and does that quite irresistibly. 

And it may be induced naturally 

by a hectic schedule, general stress and fatigue

or by (this or an other) medicine.

(It might also explain why 

the other day when we met accidentally

M. was ordering two slices of toast

besides the two-course, carbohydrate-heavy meal

that I couldn't even finish off.

I mean, she doesn't do 

heavy manual labour either

to explain such an appetite

and she gained a lot of weight recently

I was wondering if it's medicine-related

she's certainly a lot more balanced, too

which may not be such a bad exchange 

still, I'm a bit worried by her size.)

on my love/hate relationship with sugar

So after a month of if-not-quite-no-but-a-lot-less sugar

I can at least draw a few outlines

as to the why and when and what.

Obviously the worst is in extreme fatigue

(be it physical or mental)

those are the times when I hardly stop to think

my brain lights up with a flashing 

"Carbohydrate! Yaay! Get as much as you can! As fast as you can!"

and I do exactly so.

I suppose that's evolutionary behaviour 

a pattern that has served survival for thousands of years

(not any longer, though, or at least not under my first-world circumstances). 

What I can do is either

a) have no very sugary stuff at hand, or

b) avoid excessive fatigue 

(the second being the best but the less doable option).

Other than that, simply knowing that 

"I don't choose sweet"

helped immensely 

in everyday (bakery, canteen, coffee shop, pub) situations.

That's absolutely something to consider keeping (or putting on, like a _habit_).

And then there are the vices

to my surprise, I am o.k. without 

or, to my even greater surprise, with just a few bits of

chocolate

(see Abstainer vs. Moderator)

but I often found it difficult to resist sweet bakery-stuff

which then turned out to be disappointing each time

(maybe also because these weren't fresh any longer but still)

that is again something to keep in mind 

for future reference. 

I wasn't tempted by any [cukrászda] in November

but home-baked cookies and cakes did show up at times

and those were the sweets that were definitely worth it.

I ate fruit (fresh, canned and dried)

and even drank fruit juice (though I usually diluted it with water)

so maybe I could've done more

in terms of changing my taste--

that time may or may not come.

What I'd try now (if I had the nerve to any more changes nowadays) would be

to cut back on carbohydrates in general

and mostly on white flour.

That of course were easier if I cooked

I did start shifting towards whole-grain in quite a few foods earlier 

(like pasta, couscous and oat flakes).

Maybe after moving back home 

I could start cooking...?

Zs. sent an article on meal-prepping

that was quite inspiring 

maybe that could dissolve some of the drag

I mean, really, the most tiresome parts of cooking are

1) working out what to make, and

2) cleaning and chopping stuff.

If those were done in an hour or two each week

then I might happily cook three or four times, I guess.

on the four basic spiritual needs

1. To be loved and to love

2. To experience that one's life has its inherent value

3. To be free (recognise and choose the good)

4. To belong (deep, intimate relationships)

We are all born with these desires 

but perhaps more importantly

also with these abilities.

Even if I have to dig a bit (or a lot)

to get to one or more of them

somewhere deep inside

there is a way.

on outlets and identities

I am told (not for the first time, mind you)

that I need (non-destructive) outlets

for my emotions 

mentally (writing? crying? shouting?)

physically (running? chopping firewood?)

and spiritually  (...?)

and if I use them appropriately 

then the pain, with time,

will loose of its strength

and, with time 

it will start to feel more like 

the memory of pain.

So far, so good. How do I start it, though?

And how do I get back on track after 

a blood-thirsty dream-splurge or two?

The other interesting task

may be to 

well, first accept reality both on the factual level (what has been has been and may (have) be(en)), and on the emotional (what I feel is what I feel and I may feel so)--anyway, that isn't the point now

but then

to take my interpretations

(whatever I tell myself, think, surmise)

and review those 

in the light of what I know to be true--mostly Scripture.

What's funny in it is that 

every now and again I came across this concept earlier 

building up an identity based on faith

but it always felt like such a 

useless thing to spend time on

I mean, isn't it obvious that 

we are loved sinners 

whose Father and Maker delights in them

who are precious beyond any other creature etc. etc.?

Well, she who stands should be careful

not to fall...

on some great expectations

(I'm so glad now that 

the blog is not interactive. This way 

I might give a go to 

voicing my experiences even here

more or less real-time

for this sort of a reflection so far

seems to help me quite a bit.)

Sooo, this is going to be interesting

in the best possible way.

Apparently Sr. Á. somehow managed 

what many have tried before her

without too much success:

convincing me 

that my modus operandi

(including the waves of wrath, and the running of the same rounds &c.)

is actually 

a sign of my relatively well functioning psyche

since these are totally adequate feelings

here and now.

And that it would be more worrying

had I not these

for that could only be if

they were suppressed 

somewhere deep down

and would then disturb me in other ways

kind of like the balloon bunny

that may grow a third ear if you press it hard enough. :-)

Also, God has all the time of my life to go on with creating me

there really is no need (besides way...)

to rush the healing

there is a time for everything

and this is that of mourning.

It remains to be seen, of course, how long 

it'll keep me going

but now I am pretty excited. 

(I won't look up anything while writing here

so my apologies in advance for the occasional

grammatical, lexical or stylistic 

mistakes.)

on my way again

It's snowy and foggy

half-way between Bp. and Miskolc

I like it when the horizon and the skyline blend into one another 

though it reminds me of the trips to Baja

and that reminds me of some more difficult letters 

waiting to be written

Today I got to talk on therapy

after a girl who isn't quite sure if her love relationship will work out

but probably it won't

and before another who had similar thoughts a few weeks earlier

and was dumped by this time

by the guy who really sounded like a jerk.

Odd how these things come together

there are at least two more 

more or less struggling with their men

and one quite possibly

and then there am I

much like an alien

and yet so much one of them.

I have no idea how I will handle 

the move home

by all probabilities I was over-enthusiastic once again

(what a surprise...!)

I regret that I told G. & T. so ea(ge)rly

anyway, baby steps may help

I might sleep at home after late activities

(though January doesn't really abound in those)

and go back for long evenings

maybe

maybe.

Meanwhile

the company where I eventually did send in my application 

wrote back two really friendly lines

that they'll have a look at my stuff

and get back to me,

please would I wait patiently. 

And that at least is nice.

on the waves of hatred

More and more often
(let's say, twice a day at least)
I am overcome by sheer hatred
against him and her
which then turns back on me
every single time
without fail
since, obviously, where else could it go?

This can only kill me
(and the emphasis may well be on either the kill or the me)

But I have no idea how to fight it
and, frankly, not much inclination, either.
I tell myself that it will just go away
but I know it won't. There are way too many people
carrying on with never resolved issues
for decades.
Maybe "working on them" could help
but maybe not. I have no idea how to do it,
and I can't pull myself out of the swamp by my hair anyway.
And anyway, why would I deserve a better fate than the many
who have gone through and became crippled for life
by the same evil?

on a loong morning

Mum was here

came for the concert last night

today we had a ten minute chat

of which I may now need a few days to recover

hell, I definitely won't spend more time at home around Christmas than I must

(which is a bit sad because I dreamed about meeting lots of people in Bp.)

Anyway, I got up for the rorate mass today

at 5:20

it was nice

I was kept busy with the breakfast arrangements

people were kind

and I was close to tears all the time

Later I went home for a few items for the retreat

apparently it's freezing even by day in the mountains 

I am still hoping to have some snow

that might make it more bearable 

(I remember a retreat back in 2017

where I eventually gave in beacuse

it's very hard to be angry at a God

that gives me so much beauty)

otherwise I dread the whole thing

I mean, I've been falling ever since trying to sit still for ten minutes last week

and now I set off for 5 days?!

And there is, as it is always before leaving,

a lot to do today... 

I am overwhelmed.

And I very much hope that the Saint John's wort tea

really has all the antidepressant qualities attributed to it

for it tastes pretty bad.

on not getting anywhere

Progress is but an illusion

I don't feel a single step farther

on the road of personality development

(whatever that may be in my case

but let's just say becoming 

something more of 

a loving and lovable person)

than I was in May.

My life has no more meaning, and

I don't have more resources to try and figure it out.

I am not stronger or steadier.

If anything, I am weaker and moodier.

Sometimes I wonder 

why there are still people around me

who don't give up on me.