on being stuck

For the first time today
I left therapy with the feeling that
either I am being seen as stupid
or I am stupid
there was no resolution in the end
and now I feel worse than before.

I watch Christmas approaching
in some kind of a resignation
as something unavoidable
not good and not terrible
I could very well go on without it
and the whole festive whatever
and just skip from 23 Dec to 2 Jan
though that will be 2020
terrifying

Anyway, I wrote the first batch of cards last night
they certainly won't arrive on time
and in one case I'm unsure if it will ever reach the recipient
but at least that much I've done
to keep up the appearance of normality
otherwise about no preparations
no presents
no plans
no purpose
just a sense of emptiness.

I am also horribly tired
and just plain sad
and don't feel like walking a good half hour
to our choir concert
and then back
but I did invite a few people
and if they showed up, it wasn't nice on my part not to
though there may well be no one (known to me)
anyway, singing does me good
but I may skip the mass before it.