There is something horrifying
in the way how small things
(like filling the bath tub)
remind me of how things used to be
and more times than not
how I should have done
differently
For a few weeks now
the question on therapy was
"how do you feel, react
when emotional support ceases"
I spoke last week
one word card I chose said fear
and I can't even remember the others
they weren't very good ones
I couldn't really choose
anyway
the psychologist at the end looked at me
and said: "Fortunately making atonement was not among your cards"
I smiled and replied something like "no, it wasn't"
and wondered why he keeps coming up with stuff like that
Today we gave each other messages
from words and pictures
and yet again
somebody gave me the card to forgive
(actually it was the girl who told me
to forgive myself after my very first sharing)
and after the retreat
and my moving round and round
and my remorse over, like, anything and everything
it starts to make sense
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