on feeling badly, mostly

No one showed up (of those whom I invited)
but the concert was nice anyway
(and we had a last rehearsal at the time of the mass)
although I was close to tears
both on the way there
and back

I was wondering if it is proportionate
to the "punch" of the morning
and of course it isn't
it's just that I am like the castle
built from playing cards
you may give me the slightest flick
on any side
and I just collapse
(too bad Mum has no idea about this)

Anyway
I got home
only a bit sad that no one came
and yet very dejected all in all
then I took half a pill
was given a few gingerbread star towers to decorate
had a few words on my how-being with my sister-in-love
discussed the Holy Land with my brother
and had some almond liquor
and now, laying in the bath tub
life feels a bit more bearable again

At least I started feeling like motorcycling tomorrow
I was tempted to cancel my attendance
and just stay in bed for the day
(though I'm fairly sure that my brother wouldn't have left me--one extra point for moving home :-D)
as someone depressed ought to stay
I started having a few other symptoms signalling in that direction, too
like I have fewer and fewer answers
for the question "what would you enjoy, what do you desire right now?"
and also less and less interest in having an answer.

I also have this horribly tangled relationship with my friends
in my head
where I say no one's reaching out to me
but I do absolutely nothing
to reach out to them
and discount those cases when someone does call me.
Today A. called
whom I greeted on the fly this morning
when I arrived to the clinic
and also Gy.
who never answered my circulars
but showed up on the mass
with all three of their kids
and about two weaks ago sent me a text
saying let's meet
and so on Friday I'll visit her
and tomorrow the motor ride with B.
and he also wrote to me about the concert (coincided with the office Christmas party)
but then he was the only one to do that
and there is still silence around New Year's eve
over which it is totally crazy for me to be upset
since I don't intend to attend anyway
but upset I am

and all in all I really am not surprised
that people are fed up with my moaning
(that may have contributed to the happenings at therapy, too)
I should be glad for their patient listening this far