This starts to feel like virtual littering
or "emotional incontinence"
but at least here I don't bombard a concrete person
that should be a bit of a mitigation
I hope
Anyway(s)
things look bleaker than ever
I know I've said that (many times) before
but so it is
I was crying a lot today
mostly at church
(not loudly, just with that distorted face)
I actually spent something like half an hour
fully believing that if God loved me
he'd have had me killed long before
or at least have very soon
than somehow the absurdity of it dawned on me
but I am light years from really trusting Him
all I can honestly say is that I would like to want to trust
(analogue to the "Do you desire ti desire?" question)
I admire those before me
who in similar situations
bowed their heads and acknowledged
God's authority over
all
things
inculding
illness
depression
anxiety
and so on
I admire them but as it turnes out
I don't have a half of their faith
and so I collapse
(Here I collapsed into bed last night.)
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