on sleep(lessness) & dinner(lessness)

Last night I was up from 2am till about 5

after which the morning was quite bad

but I don't seem to fare much better tonight, either

except that now I didn't wake up

but been awake

I think I also forgot to eat since lunch

(apart from some sweets)

pretty bad

I also got frustrated today

by the last editorial job

that came back once again with lots of comments

made on an entirely different Word

and thus impossible for me to comply with

On the bright side
the Hague museum people

were happy to recieve my note

I've read another chapter from Deadliest Enemies
arranged a blood donation session for Thursday with N.

submitted a hundred or so utterances to Appen

talked to dr. S. K. (decided to eat the amount of medication we've originally agreed upon

in the hope that it may help sleeping)

and to K. (very unhappy :-( )

and to Á. (called me, a very nice surprise)
had a dead strong dalgona coffee
while chatting to A. & A. on Zoom
(even got to see Tiny M., and
none of the kids badgered their mums, amazingly!)

cooked a chilli (though inedibly salty...)

bought asparagus

lent some books to N.

met B.

announced the fairytale-readaloud sessions (wednesdays and sundays they shall be)

and figured out in minutes what makes these sounds:

kkrhhOÁÁGLáGLáGLáGLáGLgsssssssssssssssssssssszliiip

on self-knowledge

I started (again) the course called
The Science of Well-being
on Coursera (or did I tell about that earlier?)
and one of the first tasks is
to find out one's character strengths
through a test

I wasn't much impressed with the result
I must admit
I mean, seriously, what's "love"
in terms of character strength
and I really am not a typical "kind" person, either...

However, there was a list of suggestions
on how to use them in everyday life
(the assumption being that using them
contributes to happiness)
and some of those really struck a chord with me
like "give blood" or "express your appreciation"
so there may just be something in the test after all

Last night on CLC we had picture-meditation
with this painting
IT wasn't working properly
but we had a good conversation
and afterwards I wrote
a thank you note to the museum
and that definitely was the time
when I felt at my best yesterday.

...

...and then couldn't sleep
at least for an hour more
and woke at 7:05.
Not good. :-(

on today

After that eventful night
I didn't even try to show up at the video-breakfast at 8
but slept till 10
and then somehow morning was over
I got some medication to M. (the son of A.)
delivered it by bike
went to the supermarket and the greengrocery on the way back
(forgot the eggs :-(
but got some amazing liver patè half-price :-))
realised I love the afternoon sun at the kitchen
and with that, cleaned and put away (!)
the balcony grill
as well as scrubbed the sink
with Harry Potter and Sirius Black
then read some press
listened to Stephen King reading from his latest book
watched a couple of
Late Night Shows bt Stephen Colbert
washed my hair (a small victory in itself!)
and clapped with an oldish lady across the street

It's been pretty nice.

on sleeping badly

Well, I've had better nights
being up the second time in about 2.5 hours
I've just had a bit of corn flakes
because now I woke up feeling hungry
and I didn't brush my teeth anyway
(the electric toothbrush is so damn loud
I will have to put it on my evening schedule
along with letting the blinds down)

And now I read K.'s account
of their failing marriage
on a common chat thread

And wind is howling outside
I wonder when will it open the bathroom window
I'll have to fasten the screws tomorrow

We've been cycling today
out on the dam up to the M43 bridge
the last night hike came back all together
a bittersweet memory

We turned back because it looked like
there was rain coming
but by the time we got back to the city
it was mostly gone
so we sat a bit (?) on the warm concrete [mellved]
I felt fabulously safe with B.
(and in the end I still managed to get caught by the rain
in the last few hundred meters)

But now I should really be tired enough to sleep
so why can't I?

on the rising levels of frustration

It's probably in part PMS
but by this morning I really got fed up
with Zs. constantly complaining about his life
that's just way too full of everything
and never safistifes him
I've had the notion for a long time
that he doesn't cultivate my friendship
beyond near-constant chatting
(I mean stuff like he almost never wanted to meet me in person)
because he's only interested in possible girlfriends
now I am pretty sure it's because of the permanent overwhelm in which he's existing
(and not pure selfishness)
but still, somehow I am unable to feel empathy
towards someone with a pretty stable living and on his way to achieving his life's purpose
while complaining endlessly about everything
to me who have nothing of the above.

(This was not a post written from Christian charity.)

----
I remember now what caused
the underlying nervousness in my day:
it was P. telling me during our morning coffee session
that he's "shocked" by something
from last night's men-circle gathering.
Of course he couldn't say more
and of course I can't help wondering
terrified
what it might be

on these days

Anxiety took hold of me more than once
during the last days
I couldn't really put my finger on it (yet?)
but I am rather restless
craving stimuli to divert my mind
and responding to Á's name
worse than usually
(while also thinking of him
more than before)

I didn't join Sunday's videochat
for fear of there inevitably being some
to whom I should explain my situation
and that does not become any easier with time

I quite hate myself for these
though I know that only worsens everything

But at least this morning
I finally applied to volunteer
and was called back in hours
(though it's all under organisation still
and won't start happening till next week)

and remembered to go and give blood
one day in the near future

hello, darkness, my old friend

Today I was pretty happy
(listened to Defoe's account of the last London plague
watched a rather beautiful film called Werk ohne Autor
and even talked to Sr. A. at long last)
but at one point I slipped back
into the "I really am not good for any work" mood
and complaining just doesn't help
however nice the following, more or less obligatory compliments may feel

on life in lockdown

In the past week
I haven't met anyone (apart from B. and Cs.)
for longer than half an hour
(and that means three to ten minutes
in all cases but one)
and yet I am being challenged
though I do think of myself as quite conscientious

Vurch became a bit easier
with Cs. next to me
we watched the Good Friday and Holy Saturday services together
and even had a bit of a feast afterwards

I got badly sunburned
in just two mornings on the balcony
I really should have stopped
after the first day's piglet-pink state

I had a little bit of a correspondence
with M. in Turin
and Ch. in Bergamo
and S. in Saint Petersburg
and I really should write to A. in London
but that must include the divorce
and I still don't feel comfortable about that
though I should probably not let that deter me
but it does
...

Yeah, not even the place of radical acceptance
can heal everything

on shame, again

So the energy I gain day by day is pretty amazing
but it doesn’t solve my life’s problems
not by a long shot

The shame is still there, even if I think of it a lot less
but since the facts will not change
I really have no idea what (if anything) will make it go away.

Other than this, life’s going on
yesterday I ventured out on a whole exploration:
post office, whole-food shop, lunch from Zs.
I also started cycling again
and so far I haven’t gone mad yet
I sowed on the balcony (salads and flowers so far)
attended numerous video conference calls
started translating this as volunteer work
cooked a whole lot of curry on Monday
read a bunch of last year’s children’s books
played badminton and frisbee on Mátyás tér
had lunch one day in the garden with my brother’s family
started listening to Harry Potter read by Stephen Fry
walked 12-ish kms in Újszeged with N.
(complete with a picnic lunch and a little bit of urb-exing)
made hummus from scratch

and haven’t done anything in terms of tidying up the room
which is really bad
because if I don't do it for Easter
then I don't know when I will (or if ever)

on the igloo

Must we find a solution?

Can’t we just enjoy the problem for a while?

(graffiti) 

Right, I’m fessing up (where else):
to the most unexpected
and most joyful
thing that’s been going on in my life.

I have a boyfriend. Or something very similar to that.
For the time being. :-)

Let me explain. But where to start?

It may have started at Jazz. Or on the motorbike.
I may have started it with voicing my concern
about not feeling like a woman any longer
though I absolutely honestly
never expected
or even anticipated
anything like this as an answer
I just wished to have a bit of fun
so with that in mind it may as well have started
with B. taking me somewhat more serious than I meant to be
(and always making the corresponding counter-move).

Now in one aspect I am going exactly across my principles:
I never started anything
where there was zero chance for it to turn into marriage
(apart from V. Sz. but that was the folly of my youth :-))
and yet that’s the case now.
However, I can even explain this away:
we’ve been totally transparent from the first moment
and agreed on the frames to the last point.

These may make it a bit clearer (or not):

And so this space (“the igloo”) was born.

A place of 

radical acceptance,

safety

and healing.

And gratefulness, abundant gratefulness.

on the way back to myself

Surprisingly (or maybe not)
the way back to myself
leads through the radical acceptance
of my brokenness
and of my being as it is
mind, body and soul.

And it happens to come
from highly unlikely quarters.
The spring of our confinement
may in the end just become
the spring of our liberation.