be glad you've had it

I remember once about 20 years ago

we had some homelessteam-supervison or training

or maybe some other conference

the occasion isn't important in fact

but I remember M. V.

guru of all things homeless-care

saying that if someone gets into a flat for three months

and then back to the street

we shouldn't complain that he couldn't make it (again)

but be glad that he had three good months

This popped in my head a few days ago

that I had 4 solid good months

and that's reason to celebrate

I'll see if and when I'll have the next few

because now it is pretty bad again

although more managable, certainly

I cry quite often

and things come up and make me sad & bitter

that I thought I've put behind me for forever

like marriage, pregnancy or giving birth

I feel as though I was denied some basic right

something that's so simple and natural and 

was it really too much to ask? 

To be like everyone else...?

I'm starting to bore myself

but it's still the overwhelm

on an almost permanent basis

basically any time when I am not doing something

too much

good things, every one of them

but 

TOO 

MUCH

Most of it is the mental workload

too much to keep in mind

to try to fit into a tight schedule

also, too many people asking for my attention

good friends, every one of them

but

TOO

MANY

(for the time being)

It's a rare occasion when I feel 

some emotion in my body

but this I do

like some low-level humming in my head

white noise, disabling clear thoughts

or grey fog, offsetting clear vision 

My #1 Coping Mechanism for Overwhelm: PROCRASTINATION

And so I now have a new kitchen counter cum shelf

because, as I realised, 

the two groups of things that have no home in my kitchen

are the small appliances (crockpot, kettle)

and my cookbooks

and these are happiest on open shelves

in my IKEA account

but I am nowhere nearer to my work tasks

which are important and some urgent, too

but a lot less fun...

Covid

Apparently covid can heighten one’s gastric acid

so the GP put it down to that immendiately on Friday

though by then, with mild headche and temperature

and coughing and noseblowing

I really had no doubts myself neither

but the rapid test did come out negative 

so I’ve got a new appointment to the testing station for Saturday 4pm

when they finally managed a positive (rapid) test

By then it was a lot better

and stayed about the same for today, too:

coughing, sneezing, noseblowing, a bit of a sore throat

However, it seems that 

I get bored and depressed after a day or two in bed

iiiisolation... is not good for me

today I found fault with friends in my mind

and had no mood to do anything

high time to dress up tomorrow 

and declare myself remote-work-able

Reflux

I should probably count it a blessing: 

finally some bad enough consequence

(of eating chocolate spread by the quarter-jar-ful)

if my weight and horrible PMSs and wavering energy levels weren’t enough

(which apparently they aren’t)

to stop

Meanwhile, in front of a second-hand clothes shop today

I fell into sheer panic

from the fact that the kid shall have to be clothed (?!)

I very quickly refocused on this amazing podcast

but it is a bit disturbing

it really crossed my mind that maybe I should revoke my application

Instability stabilizing :-)

I mean, I do get these crying moments still so 

they are kind of setting in

but I don't mind them too much

Today I met the miracle baby I once mentioned here

and I guess it left more of a mark than I expected

also, I’ve been having close (literal) encounters with 

unmarried mothers for the last few months

(Hester Prynne, Tess Durbeyfield, and Hetty Sorrell come to mind)

and despite their very different (17-19th century) choices and lives

(very different from mine but also from each other’s)

they all touch something in me

And then today an old-old friend called me

(to finish a call we started yesterday, actually)

and he told me that he ended up at the psychiatric ambulance

with his insomnia (that’s been going on for ages, now I remember)

and we mulled a bit over the implications of 

becoming a psych patient on 

our self-image

I wasn’t a good listener, though, had my own story in mind all the while

and a bit later sat down to apologise for this via e-mail

to which he replied very kindly

that we should continue

perhaps over a beer

and quoted me (from our "previous life") saying 

how cool* I find it when women drink beer

Now this is a fine coincidence indeed

because cool is my "word" for 2022

it found me (a shame I never wrote about it here!)

on my walk to Makó 

in the falling snow on 8th January

* For lack of a better English word — VAGÁNY is the original