Today was great
I went to church in the morning
Fr. I. spoke good
then I met É. at a terrace
had an excellent mango cake
and a good conversation
and together walked to Alsóváros
she to the cemetery and
I to MA's baptism
which was a very low-key event
barely any formality but lots of love
I ran away from all the happy families in the end
(though I only realise it now)
went to visit T. and the kids with two books
and stayed for lunch and coffee
and eventually walked home
Where I went on with the perfect Sunday afternoon
read and listened and
went on with rearranging the furniture
(good fun but no sensible result)
had a long bath
but something struck me in one of the audio books
nothing new to anyone, yet it struck me
that the first phase of grief, _denial_ means
that one doesn't want to go on
with the new state of things
(rather than literally not believing
as I was told earlier)
and that's trouble
because I can definitely see myself
in that category
Apparently (I mean in my life,
the book went on in a different direction)
it doesn't have much to do with my
overall state of mind & life
I can happily build on quicksand
and pretend that all's well
in fact I became so apt at it
that I myself started to believe it
but there is nothing beneath
just a gap
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