on holes and abysses

for a change

(and to give a bit of rest from myself to my brother and sister-in-law)

I am sleeping on a friend's couch

only I'm not sure how much sleep there will be in it

at present I'm closer to crying than to sleeping

that's been this way for days now (of course not always with sleep on the other side)

I am just as unstable as I was

as if nothing would ever change

the acquaintance I was listening to back on Thursday 

was very glad about it

she told me today that she doesn't know what I did to her or how I listened

but she was all right for days to come

that's a compliment indeed 

especially under circumstances like these

but somehow I can't rejoice

I still haven't done the job application 

I still feel like a failure in pretty much everything

all I want is to curl up in a small ball

and roll as far as I can

until somewhere 

I just happen to fall down

into some bottomless abyss

which reminds me of the other thing about which I wanted to write here

I found a black hole somewhere deep inside

it started as a slightly worrying realisation 

namely that 

given the right circumstances 

I could fall in love with

any of a couple of unsuitable candidates

but it may be even worse

I fear it could be

almost any man

and in almost no time

it sometimes feels like one long, deliberate action of agere contra

but if it stays like this (or gets worse)

I'm sure I'll get tired

and bored

and just jump head-first 

at one chance 

at one point

I must find reassurance 

in other relationships 

and maybe also some quite apart from people (is that even possible?)

(Anyway, I slept a lot better than expected!)