i wonder if it is a steady ascent from now on
i wonder even if it never is one and never will be
it can't
life isn't steady and isn't meant to be
and yet
now, when after more than half a year there is nothing ahead to be dreaded
i find myself wondering again, if it might, just might not be a steady ascent just for this one time in my life.
meanwhile, this was the week of letting go
there are so many kinds of forevers
the court room sadly lacks a crucifix
but Jesus did sit through the whole with me
maybe with us
He who was judged wrongly
and sentenced to a death He never deserved
and bore it right to the crucifixion for me
maybe for us
and He was there in the afternoon, too
where more than two or three were gathered in His name
friends that accompanied and supported me
or us
all the way through
the marriage,
separation,
and divorce
brothers and sisters of Emmaus
with whom I walked, talked, mourned, wept, prayed,
and sometimes laughed
and recognised Him
in the pain as well as in the healing
in the suffering as well as in the unexpected rays of joy
brothers and sisters of Emmaus
who mourned, wept and prayed
for me and instead of me
and who recognised Him
in the pain as well as the healing
in the suffering as well as in the unexpected rays of joy
for me and instead of me
when I wasn't even able to do these
and there were other good-byes
"those whose lives connect, however briefly, will remain in some deep sense connected forever"
a friend moving far away
but closer to his nearests and dearests
a blessing
for which I truly am as grateful
as I am for having him around for these months
and a friend's child lost to cancer
so many memories, hopes, plans,
buried in the open coffin
of a 14 year old girl
unimaginable, unexplainable
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