Therapy, again
there was first this very curious dance
I gave some general-ish feedback on my feelings after the last time
and got some amazingly well-disguised response from the psychologist guy
which made it clear to me that he knew perfectly well that I was talking about him
and also (made clear) what he thought
while none of us had to say anything concrete
I really enjoyed it
And then at the end there was this open-ended sentence:
"It's hard for me to admit to myself..."
and I came up with
"...that deep in my heart I know a lot of good things about myself."
Which corresponds with what I've found lately
namely that I do know many things that I could do for myself on any given day
yet I tend to just say "what's the point"
as if I really wouldn't even want to feel better
one of the women in the group once said
"I don't want to do therapy because it's good for me
and I don't give myself time for stuff that's good for me"
which I found very sad and quite disturbing at the same time
I mean, really, how can one say this (let alone think)
and then now I am pretty much at the same place
and as I started wondering why it is, that I don't want to feel better
(and indeed sometimes feel worse just because of lightening up)
the term "I don't deserve it" swam into my consciousness
to be immediately followed by "guilt".
Oh, how I hate this.
(Other than this, all's well.)
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