Last evening I was in utter despair
again
not sure how it started
but I wound myself up to suicidal thoughts pretty quickly
spent the mass crying
and then a bit on the way home
soaking in self-pity
(you, my lord, if you have no servant...)
then read the email of Sr. A.
telling me straight that the idea of my uselessness is a temptation
Satan's trying to grab hold of me
(I thought about replying to her that
he has indeed succeeded in this attempt...)
and that sobered me up
along with my period... which also meant that it was
a particularly bad case of PMS
confirming my previous experience
on how vast amounts of sugar
wreak havoc in my hormonal system
and yet (and here I finally come to the title)
since January I am unable to exercise any constraint
it feels as though moving home has depleted all my reserves of willpower.
And also, becoming fat is something
for which I can loathe myself even more.
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