on Easter alone

This has certainly been

my most pathetic Easter so far*

I was doing o.k. till Good Friday evening

but there it all vanished

and I spent Saturday as well as today mostly playing on my phone

feeling varying levels of self-loathing and -pity

and horrible loneliness

(One highlight there was though

in being alone:

I sang along the Exultet loudly

with the bishop (on YT)

while lying in the bathtub...)

Then this afternoon F. called to inquire after a possible coffee meet-up

and while I was about to change from my pyjamas in his honour,

A. called also, just to chat a bit

and I couldn't help but laugh with her

(besides admiring their parental creativity)

These people save my life again and again

because the times when I needed people most

are also the ones when I am the least able to reach out

just like today

(although I made an effort today 

and arranged the time for our walk with N. tomorrow

about which we've talked a few days ago

but made no solid plan)

* I tried to remember Easters in Cluj but couldn't