However, there was another impression
I've got after the papal mass
(and many times earlier but somehow it only took shape now)
namely that
instead of a life of my own
I live a substitute one
It came on me while G. and T. were happily greeting rarely seen friends
and I was just standing there, not knowing what to say to whom
and although being there as a sister(-in-law) and aunt was a totally natural thing
I still felt as though I "should" be with "my own" family
that would be the "mature" thing
the responsible, the adult life
Maybe this is what I once called
not being at home in my life
although back then
that was more a feeling of unreal-ness
while this is not
Maybe it is deteriorated by the fact
that I move among "perfect" families
so my ideals keep rubbing into my face
but then again, these lovely (and imperfect) people are my relatives and friends
and I am happy for their fortunes
It's about my attitude
about my seeing black or white and nothing in-between
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