There is this strange dynamics again:
nothing happening, seemingly

yet quite a bit going on on the inside

most of it half-consciously at maximum, though

Today I spent an hour with little M. in the pushchair

he was fabulous

made no fuss at all 

not even when he realized he is no longer being pushed by his father

that was something that made me deeply relieved and grateful

Meanwhile A. had some urgent examinations at the clinic

worries about the fourth child

(about whom I heard first this morning)

and I was truly anxious for them 

and relieved when it turned out to be nothing very serious

But I still shed a tear or two later at home

for poor me 

that will never know the joys and anxieties of pregnancy or childbirth

while it seems just so easy for others

unfairly easy if I am honest 

but also: if I am bitter

Bitterness is probably my biggest fear for the future right now

altough maybe I should be more afraid of self-pity