on busyness

I was more productive today than any time recently

tomorrow we’ll be off to Sz.

with my brother and the three smaller kids

and so I had to get to the end of quite a lot of tasks

We also had two pretty honest conversations with B.

and watched two films together 

(Fountain and Close Encounters of the Third Kind)

there was the online film club tonight

I finished reading Berzsián aloud

and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for myself

as well as Station Eleven a few days earlier

I took the oversized duvet to the laundromat

and did some website testing for H.

I’ll have to take the laptop to Sz.

because I forgot/procrastinated the translation for CLC

And I didn’t go to church (last Sunday or this one)

which feels a bit weird

I can't remember the last time

I felt quite this dizzy

(what on earth led me to have

4 cl Unicum AND 2×3 dl wine, really?!)

but at least I made the leap

out of I-want-to-pity-myself-alone

and through anybody-else-may-hurt-me

on clapping

I am probably the last one to clap for the carers

(and they weren't so horribly strained here anyway)

but I feel obliged to go on

because of the lovely old lady in the house across the street

who joins me every night

and we smile at each other and wave as if we knew each other

and I hate the thoughts of both 

not seeing her any more and 

disappointing her

a complicated case to solve, it seems

Today I felt pretty bad at first

to the point of considering coming home from work at 10

but it got better and I stayed

it's still far from normal though

different discomforts, stomach mainly

low blood pressure

it'll pass by tomorrow 

(well-known period starting maladies)

on (not) running

This morning

while rushing to the trolleybus in the rain

and without any concious thinking

the right word struck me

as to why I am unable to go jogging these days:

I used to feel invincible while running

and about the opposite way (would it be "conquered"?)

for the last year or so

Other than this, the sad truth is that I feel

growing unease ever since I got off the coach on Mars tér last night

no doubt it's mostly because of my procrastinated duties

and the ever rising amount of stuff in my room

I also didn't sleep 6 hours last night

meaning that I got everything wrong at work today

but after work I bought vegetables

got the paper bags from J.

made bacon & eggs for dinner

did the most pressing proofreading task

gave rainwater to the orchids

and read Station Eleven for more than an hour

instead of the usual mindless scrolling

a pretty productive day, I have to say

on some happy days

I am in Szfvár 

with my dear old friend, Zs.

(one of my oldest ongoing friendships, in fact

since about 1994 or 5)

a separated mother of 3

a faithful Calvinist

and an amazing person

We let our hair down

as you would with anyone of the above description:

sat on the giant wheel

had ice cream

walked a lot

talked even more

sat in a church for an accidental organ concert

ate raclette for dinner

ran to Tesco at 9.50pm

for another box of ice cream

and drank half a bottle of wine 

(! -- probably a first)

Today we had a fancy coffee

ran to see the clockworks

(missed the first half but the second was nice enough)

Zs.'s parents came for a quick visit

which called for the immediate removal of the wine glasses from sight

I probably managed to shock her father

with the fact that I paint electrodes these days

(intentionally -- they hold impossible standards for Zs.,

I meant him to gain a glimpse into reality)

I also met her cute little niece for the first time

later we went to see the Bory castle

which reminded me of the first one in Sintra

(hillside, garden and all)

but it was cut short by the rain

at home we talked a bit more

and I imported her emails from one address to another

the new one being on her maiden name

set up on the spot, as a small step towards rebuilding herself

(strange how I like to solve these tiny IT tasks

and enjoy tutoring people in them)

I also gave her some (sought) advice

on what to do with the china

that her husband gave her throughout the years

and she was very happy with the idea of

"out of sight, out of mind"

on changes

My energy levels are rising if ever so slowly

I still procrastinate whatever I can, as long as I can

but a few things caught my attention recently

and I wrote a couple of e-mails

I even offered to go on a walk with Sz.

whom I did find pretty tiresome quite a few times

I wonder how much it has to do with the increased dose of med #3

and if it has to do with it then how will I ever be rid of it

(not that it were so expensive or had side effects

but still, it feels a bit of a burden)

on a dream come true

Á. always resisted the idea of city centre composting

however, that ceased to be a concern of mine

and the couple on the ground floor are enthusiastic gardeners

so today I bought and set up(!) this beauty

(many thanks to F. for the transport)

Other than this, I procrastinated quite a bit today

(what a surprise, I know!)

started eating my lunch with the fish almost raw 

finished the infectious disease book

read aloud half of the last chapter of Berzsián

and had a nice phone chat with B.a from group therapy

(although none of these was what I had in mind when I sat down writing

but then I can’t remember what that could have been)

on today

My anger has vanished meanwhile

following some honest e-mails/chats

it’s good, I really shouldn’t mess up my friendships

they are the highest value I still have in my life

(B. certainly counting here, too)

I definitely feel a bit better

we’ll see how long it lasts

We celebrated A.’s birthday today

a bunch of of old friends

mostly married couples

happy to leave their kids behind for a few hours

in many aspects totally different worlds

and yet in many aspects very similar people

I did have a fleeting sense of 

“everybody’s life is going somewhere, except for mine”

but managed to turn my attentions somewhere else

before panic stroke

I also had a short conversation with P.

who tried to refrain from giving advice

and when I gave him permission, said something like

“don’t be afraid of your current sadness

or the fact that you walk a lot slower

just tell yourself that you need this now

your soul needs to catch up with your body

and don’t think about how you aren’t motivated

when you will feel the need to take steps

then you can make plans, etc.”

Nothing groundbreaking

but it still was reassuring

Counting to the day’s victories

I finally wrote and mailed the two 

way overdue

introductory letters 

to “my” convicts

fingers crossed that they take to the idea of a new penpal

But at least I am not the only one procrastinating: 

L. wrote that he potted the saplings yesterday

after planning to do it in the days after finding them in the post :-)

on the observer’s paradoxon

The problem with the blog as a genre

is that I can’t freely write about anybody who is likely to read it

the wider the audience, the tighter the space

this was one of the reasons why I kept really quiet 

about restarting writing last year

but alas, even this way it could have been used against me

on wading in water

When I must go somewhere

walking feels like wading in ankle-deep water

being slower probably doesn’t show 

since normally I walk pretty fast

but feeling the resistance in my body so clearly is just weird

Today I had a coffee with A. and the baby

and later we walked around in Alsóváros

by the end the flood disappeared from around my feet

for a while

on missed chances

As it transpired

the pub night lasted till 6am today

with some surprisingly deep conversations

to my eternal envy

but then again, there is probably a reason

why these usually happen without me

I’ve been aware of my party-pooper tendencies for a while now

Á. wrote to me today

asking me how much I’d be affected if he discontinued his monthly alms

and actually offering to remove his remaining stuff from the cellar

I thanked him for the money so far and assured him that I’ll manage

while also stating that I wouldn’t like to meet him

however ashamed I feel for this

I am a basket case

beyond repair

on a missed pub night

I didn’t feel like going to Jazz tonight

the odd thing is that it certainly would have cheered me up

but I don’t want to be cheered up either

What’s the point?

There wasn’t enough work for the 4 of us today

so I came home at 3

thinking that I may get things done

and sure enough, I did a load of laundry

and a curry in the crockpot

but with those, I was done

and since then, it’s just numbing myself

with BBC dramas

and Plants Vs Zombies

on faith

It feels as though I were losing my faith

scary

I wouldn’t go for another existential crisis if I could help it

around February the question was

“what have we to do with each other,

You and me?”

back then I knew we had something

 while now it is more

“do we have anything to do with each other,

You and me...?”

I should think more about these but 

not while trying to type on the phone

on numbness setting in

A strange phenomenon:

I came home from work more or less o.k.

made bacon and eggs

then sat down with the laptop

and just felt laziness or even apathy descending over me

that familiar feeling of why bother

Other than this, S. K. called today

I was waiting for it for some time

told her about the latest relapse

she had some ideas on making bedtime more attractive

as well as using meditation or relaxation practices

and we agreed to increase med #3

The psychologist guy from the group 

replied to my last email, too

today, about when I lost hope in anyone being interested in me

(I’ve sent it Monday night, I think)

he was kind

on small victories

I was able to fasten the blackout shade

though not perfectly horizontally

but it works like magic

I’ll have to buy another one for the other room, too

(with uncharacteristic caution, I only purchased one piece today)

I also had a lovely bath

and watched half of The Grand Budapest Hotel

dramedy might just be my genre these days

and read aloud the next chapter from Berzsián és Dideki 

to B.

on silence and on home improvement

How long can one live without silence
I wonder
it seems that I can survive about two minutes of silence
before it all comes rushing back to me
rejection
shame
guilt
sadness
hopelessness

and so I rather keep listening to stuff
endlessly
as if my life depends on it
(and sometimes it does seem like it does)

B. tinkered with the balcony table yesterday evening
had a brilliant idea on how to make it stand lower
in the end, however, he didn’t manage to make it work either

Today I bought a blackout shade (blind? the rolling type thingy)
for (the glass pane on) my door
I wonder if I’ll be able to set it up

on a slightly more productive day

Today I didn’t leave the flat

(apart from lying a good deal in the hammock)

but

I did some proof-reading for H.

washed my hair

scrubbed the kitchen sink

washed a load

and cooked a <rakott krumpli>

Meanwhile, 

I played hours of Plants Vs Zombies

and listened to some truly stunning BBC radio dramas

like this and this

on flying in spin

(and not "in corkscrew motion" as I’d have written without Google :-))

Anyway, things are going from bad to worse, it seems

I went to visit my brother’s people today

and that was great

the kids taking turns to sit on my lap

then we went to OBI

I bought the balcony table I’d been toying around with in my head

for the last three years or so

(the final impetus being Mum’s message for my name-day

telling me to buy something for myself

"that's useful or that you desire but is a luxury")

then at home I found that two holes are drilled in the wrong place

making it impossible to set the table up

ten minutes later I gave it another go

and managed

already quite frustrated but still

then I tried to fasten it on the rail and it took a long time

and some more frustration

upon noticing that it's way higher than should be

I started over

then rain came and I abandoned the whole thing

then I went to adoration at the Jesuit church

(I decided to immerse myself in prayer (opportunities)

and volunteered for an hour each day from next Tuesday till Saturday

plus half an hour today)

I said the vesper

and cried over my shame and feeling of rejection

it was a nice pity-party

quite desperate

I wonder how I'll hold on for an hour...

Meanwhile, the therapy group’s first post-war meeting

is proposed to take place on 7th June

which seems an awful long way off

and I have my doubts as to it happening even then

And still no shower, or changing the bedlinen

though I did water the cacti at the staircase

thinking that they really don’t deserve to die

from me feeling crap

on bitchiness & second chances

I am becoming increasingly bitchy

still not doing anything I am not immediately accountable for

(having a shower, changing the bed, writing the e-mails)

and feeling miserable

even while enjoying myself immensely by any normal standard

I also realised today (not sure if for the first time)

that while I would be happy to offer 

a second chance to 

any remorseful serial killer

(a totally theoretical supposition, of course, and may it stay so)

somewhere deep I am fully convinced

that my only chance for a reasonably happy life

was my marriage

on powerlessness

Why is everything

or pretty much everything

that’s not been forced on me from the outside

so damn difficult to do?

Washing my hair,

tidying up the room,

even putting on clothes instead of my pyjamas

all seem almost impossible

and a pointless struggle, anyway

Sooo tiresome

on this and that

Last night we had a bit of an emergency conference call

C. really is fed up with her good-for-nothing husband this time

but she’s dead scared for their little son

and I have no idea how to help them

Today was work 

with this and this great BBC podcast series;

then grocery shopping and cooking adventurously

after a look into the fridge, I typed "brown rice and goat cheese" into Google

thinking of some salad

but ended up with this instead

of course I payed no attention to the amounts

and didn’t want to fuss with the food processor

so it turned out rather crumbly

but still pretty nice, especially after cooling down

At night I watched a romcom named Book Club

and now I really should be sleeping

on creativity

(I am very nearly asleep but still don’t dare try it... bad, really)

Today I found myself wondering about what to cook

while the fridge is full of cooked meals and 

I have a lunch engagement for Thursday with J.

somehow it almost felt sad to realise that I should not cook just now

(I guess there is a part of procrastination in it, too)

then I read Paul Auster’s musings on 

how literary characters tend to start their own lives and adventures 

quite apart from their author

I’ve read about this from other writers, too

anyway, tonight I thought that must feel awesome 

and how I wish I could make up stories

(but I can’t)

Then I thought I really needed some creative outlet

I see the concept again and again

yet can’t seem to have a clue on what to do

Could cooking really be my thing for now?

on another pub night

It was B.'s birthday yesterday

the six of us (kidless, living in a ten minute radius area) went to Jazz

there were lovely colourful light strings hung up in the garden

also quite a few people enjoying themselves

we had the crockpot apple pie (slightly raw but nice anyway), and some nice, garlicky-nutty thingy by N.

drank quite a bit

played Piszkos Fred

thankfully my present arrived a few days before, too

it was a pleasant evening for sure

Meanwhile, Cs. wrote to tell that she has chest pains and is heading to the <ügyelet>

Later she wrote that blood pressure and EKG were all right, she's walking home

Then at home I found her yelling into her phone

later she came out to apologize

I said it's o.k. 

which sure is true from my side

though I couldn't vouch safe [?] for the neighbour lady

on meeting at the pub

The war is over, it seems

and like Švejk, we met at the pub

(outside, naturally)

and I totally wasn’t up to the task 

of appearing as part of a couple

esp. in front of the still unsuspecting Zs.

which was disconcerting

as well as unfair towards B.

and I was rude to F.

earlier I left church at the end of communion

and the Rajma turned out horribly acidy

I ate lots of carbs and played for hours

and I haven’t even done half of what I wanted today

restless the whole day long

BUT, in all fairness

some nice stuff didn’t find its way here yet

ceremonious tea drinking

and some deep conversation yesterday

an amazing pink-blue sunset today

my first crockpot apple cake

(that will or will not leave the pot in one piece

but smells delicious nevertheless)

and N. advised to use baking soda on the rajma

on the amazingness of plants

These are cuttings (previously made to grow roots) of my photos plant

that I mailed to L. (in B.) on 18 March

(after he wrote to me telling that unfortunately he hadn’t bought houseplants 

as long as he could have

and then the country shut down from one day to another)

The post office lady looked very suspiciously at the envelope

(I actually blew air into the bag to prevent the cuttings from crushing

an idea I am quite proud of)

asked what’s inside 

I only admitted “plant seeds”

(there was a bag of balcony tomato seeds in it, too

so it really was part-true)

than told me “I’ll take it in but whether or not it will arrive...”

(to which I thought cca. 1500 Ft seems rather a lot to risk)

A week or so later I learned that L. moved back to A.

and with that, I pretty much let go of the plan(ts)

That is, until today I’ve got the above picture and these:

:-)

on falling apart

I still couldn’t make up my mind entirely

or I could but wasn’t determined enough to act on it

breaking up via messaging suddenly feels
“jerkiness understandable”

my room is like a post-apocalyptic landscape

(maybe a bit dustier—

depends on the type of the apocalypse

I guess)

I can’t find connection with God

I keep procrastinating

- work (translation)

- writing some long, important and difficult emails

- reading (!) for the children’s book award

- tidying and cleaning, and pretty much 

- all else, too

starting with getting up in the morning

And I keep having flashbacks

from bad memories throughout my marriage

mistakes I made

stabs I received

on being miserable, again

Today I very nearly broke up with B.
in the end we left it open for the time being
but this happened to be the night on which
he went to a pub with Zs. and F.
and told them about the whole thing
and they were positively happy and excited
(Zs. especially)
which would have been a really nice feeling
should I be any more confident
(it sure was with N.'s enthusiasm somewhere right around the beginning)
but now that I am not
it just makes me feel a bit like a jerk
for maybe wishing to end something quite this beautiful

on a strange dream

I started dreaming more vividly recently again
last night I flew to Switzerland
somehow figured out how to get on the plane without a ticket
and managed it both ways though others have been caught
I was quite proud, actually

the strange thing was that I turned back after just an hour or so
only saw the main square of Zürich (?)
which was quite nice, nevertheless
I ran into Sz., and we came home together

the airports (there and here, too) were very close to the city
and maybe the airplane itself was different, too
like one row of seats (five, six or even more)
and corridor only on one side
I remember talking to the crew
on the point of confessing
only to realise it's not me who's been accused of being a stowaway

---
I also realised recently that Viktor Krum (from Harry Potter)
took the shape of S. in my mind :-)

on recent days

I’ve been out "electroding" four days this week
the cycling part is pretty hard, to my shame
(and to that of those unable to make a proper bike way all way long)
I am tired despite two nights of normal sleep

Harry Potter was keeping me company
and a real good company, too

Meanwhile, things with B. are going pretty good
[I just learned it's supposed to be "good" and not "well"
if I remember well
or is it if I remember good?!]

We’ve had CLC on Zoom tonight
and there’s another chat going on right now
but I’ll set off for a short walk instead
and call back P.

(...)

P. recommended The Choice to me
and asked about my nowhere-going translation project
to which I should really make time next week

And then later, out of nowhere
it just occured to me once again
that no matter how much good happened to me throughout the last year
if I think that I could be living reasonably happy with Á. and a now three years old boy
it just can’t compare
and quite possibly never will

Mother Nature must have had her reasons
not to make a mother of me
but I still find it difficult to forgive her

on sleep(lessness) & dinner(lessness)

Last night I was up from 2am till about 5

after which the morning was quite bad

but I don't seem to fare much better tonight, either

except that now I didn't wake up

but been awake

I think I also forgot to eat since lunch

(apart from some sweets)

pretty bad

I also got frustrated today

by the last editorial job

that came back once again with lots of comments

made on an entirely different Word

and thus impossible for me to comply with

On the bright side
the Hague museum people

were happy to recieve my note

I've read another chapter from Deadliest Enemies
arranged a blood donation session for Thursday with N.

submitted a hundred or so utterances to Appen

talked to dr. S. K. (decided to eat the amount of medication we've originally agreed upon

in the hope that it may help sleeping)

and to K. (very unhappy :-( )

and to Á. (called me, a very nice surprise)
had a dead strong dalgona coffee
while chatting to A. & A. on Zoom
(even got to see Tiny M., and
none of the kids badgered their mums, amazingly!)

cooked a chilli (though inedibly salty...)

bought asparagus

lent some books to N.

met B.

announced the fairytale-readaloud sessions (wednesdays and sundays they shall be)

and figured out in minutes what makes these sounds:

kkrhhOÁÁGLáGLáGLáGLáGLgsssssssssssssssssssssszliiip

on self-knowledge

I started (again) the course called
The Science of Well-being
on Coursera (or did I tell about that earlier?)
and one of the first tasks is
to find out one's character strengths
through a test

I wasn't much impressed with the result
I must admit
I mean, seriously, what's "love"
in terms of character strength
and I really am not a typical "kind" person, either...

However, there was a list of suggestions
on how to use them in everyday life
(the assumption being that using them
contributes to happiness)
and some of those really struck a chord with me
like "give blood" or "express your appreciation"
so there may just be something in the test after all

Last night on CLC we had picture-meditation
with this painting
IT wasn't working properly
but we had a good conversation
and afterwards I wrote
a thank you note to the museum
and that definitely was the time
when I felt at my best yesterday.

...

...and then couldn't sleep
at least for an hour more
and woke at 7:05.
Not good. :-(

on today

After that eventful night
I didn't even try to show up at the video-breakfast at 8
but slept till 10
and then somehow morning was over
I got some medication to M. (the son of A.)
delivered it by bike
went to the supermarket and the greengrocery on the way back
(forgot the eggs :-(
but got some amazing liver patè half-price :-))
realised I love the afternoon sun at the kitchen
and with that, cleaned and put away (!)
the balcony grill
as well as scrubbed the sink
with Harry Potter and Sirius Black
then read some press
listened to Stephen King reading from his latest book
watched a couple of
Late Night Shows bt Stephen Colbert
washed my hair (a small victory in itself!)
and clapped with an oldish lady across the street

It's been pretty nice.

on sleeping badly

Well, I've had better nights
being up the second time in about 2.5 hours
I've just had a bit of corn flakes
because now I woke up feeling hungry
and I didn't brush my teeth anyway
(the electric toothbrush is so damn loud
I will have to put it on my evening schedule
along with letting the blinds down)

And now I read K.'s account
of their failing marriage
on a common chat thread

And wind is howling outside
I wonder when will it open the bathroom window
I'll have to fasten the screws tomorrow

We've been cycling today
out on the dam up to the M43 bridge
the last night hike came back all together
a bittersweet memory

We turned back because it looked like
there was rain coming
but by the time we got back to the city
it was mostly gone
so we sat a bit (?) on the warm concrete [mellved]
I felt fabulously safe with B.
(and in the end I still managed to get caught by the rain
in the last few hundred meters)

But now I should really be tired enough to sleep
so why can't I?

on the rising levels of frustration

It's probably in part PMS
but by this morning I really got fed up
with Zs. constantly complaining about his life
that's just way too full of everything
and never safistifes him
I've had the notion for a long time
that he doesn't cultivate my friendship
beyond near-constant chatting
(I mean stuff like he almost never wanted to meet me in person)
because he's only interested in possible girlfriends
now I am pretty sure it's because of the permanent overwhelm in which he's existing
(and not pure selfishness)
but still, somehow I am unable to feel empathy
towards someone with a pretty stable living and on his way to achieving his life's purpose
while complaining endlessly about everything
to me who have nothing of the above.

(This was not a post written from Christian charity.)

----
I remember now what caused
the underlying nervousness in my day:
it was P. telling me during our morning coffee session
that he's "shocked" by something
from last night's men-circle gathering.
Of course he couldn't say more
and of course I can't help wondering
terrified
what it might be

on these days

Anxiety took hold of me more than once
during the last days
I couldn't really put my finger on it (yet?)
but I am rather restless
craving stimuli to divert my mind
and responding to Á's name
worse than usually
(while also thinking of him
more than before)

I didn't join Sunday's videochat
for fear of there inevitably being some
to whom I should explain my situation
and that does not become any easier with time

I quite hate myself for these
though I know that only worsens everything

But at least this morning
I finally applied to volunteer
and was called back in hours
(though it's all under organisation still
and won't start happening till next week)

and remembered to go and give blood
one day in the near future

hello, darkness, my old friend

Today I was pretty happy
(listened to Defoe's account of the last London plague
watched a rather beautiful film called Werk ohne Autor
and even talked to Sr. A. at long last)
but at one point I slipped back
into the "I really am not good for any work" mood
and complaining just doesn't help
however nice the following, more or less obligatory compliments may feel

on life in lockdown

In the past week
I haven't met anyone (apart from B. and Cs.)
for longer than half an hour
(and that means three to ten minutes
in all cases but one)
and yet I am being challenged
though I do think of myself as quite conscientious

Vurch became a bit easier
with Cs. next to me
we watched the Good Friday and Holy Saturday services together
and even had a bit of a feast afterwards

I got badly sunburned
in just two mornings on the balcony
I really should have stopped
after the first day's piglet-pink state

I had a little bit of a correspondence
with M. in Turin
and Ch. in Bergamo
and S. in Saint Petersburg
and I really should write to A. in London
but that must include the divorce
and I still don't feel comfortable about that
though I should probably not let that deter me
but it does
...

Yeah, not even the place of radical acceptance
can heal everything

on shame, again

So the energy I gain day by day is pretty amazing
but it doesn’t solve my life’s problems
not by a long shot

The shame is still there, even if I think of it a lot less
but since the facts will not change
I really have no idea what (if anything) will make it go away.

Other than this, life’s going on
yesterday I ventured out on a whole exploration:
post office, whole-food shop, lunch from Zs.
I also started cycling again
and so far I haven’t gone mad yet
I sowed on the balcony (salads and flowers so far)
attended numerous video conference calls
started translating this as volunteer work
cooked a whole lot of curry on Monday
read a bunch of last year’s children’s books
played badminton and frisbee on Mátyás tér
had lunch one day in the garden with my brother’s family
started listening to Harry Potter read by Stephen Fry
walked 12-ish kms in Újszeged with N.
(complete with a picnic lunch and a little bit of urb-exing)
made hummus from scratch

and haven’t done anything in terms of tidying up the room
which is really bad
because if I don't do it for Easter
then I don't know when I will (or if ever)

on the igloo

Must we find a solution?

Can’t we just enjoy the problem for a while?

(graffiti) 

Right, I’m fessing up (where else):
to the most unexpected
and most joyful
thing that’s been going on in my life.

I have a boyfriend. Or something very similar to that.
For the time being. :-)

Let me explain. But where to start?

It may have started at Jazz. Or on the motorbike.
I may have started it with voicing my concern
about not feeling like a woman any longer
though I absolutely honestly
never expected
or even anticipated
anything like this as an answer
I just wished to have a bit of fun
so with that in mind it may as well have started
with B. taking me somewhat more serious than I meant to be
(and always making the corresponding counter-move).

Now in one aspect I am going exactly across my principles:
I never started anything
where there was zero chance for it to turn into marriage
(apart from V. Sz. but that was the folly of my youth :-))
and yet that’s the case now.
However, I can even explain this away:
we’ve been totally transparent from the first moment
and agreed on the frames to the last point.

These may make it a bit clearer (or not):

And so this space (“the igloo”) was born.

A place of 

radical acceptance,

safety

and healing.

And gratefulness, abundant gratefulness.

on the way back to myself

Surprisingly (or maybe not)
the way back to myself
leads through the radical acceptance
of my brokenness
and of my being as it is
mind, body and soul.

And it happens to come
from highly unlikely quarters.
The spring of our confinement
may in the end just become
the spring of our liberation.

on curfew(-ish restrictions)

Yesterday I talked to someone
who was concerned about being caught on the street
without good reason
and it made me think about my own attitude
which apparently has not changed the least
for the last almost three weeks.
Since then, I wasn't out for any reason other than
work (shut down on Monday last),
shopping (incl. presents),
walking
and/or meeting a friend
and I don't plan to give up on any of these
as long as I can.

Somehow the fact that since Saturday
it's officially called (something like)
"restricted moving"
does not change anything for me.

Maybe I am in fact
less of an externally controlled person
than I had thought?

on attending vurch

So a few minutes ago
I attended Virtual Church for the first time
(couldn't be bothered last week)
at some random Irish Cathedral

It was quite odd, I have to admit
silent and without even a homily
and lying in bed in pyjamas
was probably not the best choice either

However, I better get used to it
and work out my good practices soon
because this shall last...

(I can hear that Cs. at her room
could find a mass with singing :-))

At 9 we'll have breakfast/coffee together
with a bunch of friends
on Zoom.
I better go and get ready.

on an unusual birthday

I've been meaning to write here for ages
but apparently it comes easier
when I am poorly
than when I am fine
and the latter was the case
for the last week or so.
Signs of my improving mental health included
not having to listen to something every minute of the day,
being more mind- and thoughtful about
other people's struggle,
putting on my red-flowery T-shirt
for the first time since July,
and generally not getting caught up
in the webs of self-loathing and shame.

I guess it lasted till today.
And now I remember the good M. V.
who at a conference on homelessness
told us that we should not be too regretful
if after three months our client gets back to the street
but rejoice that he could have three nice months off it.

So today I remembered the only reliable greeting-card senders in my life:
the parents and grandmother of Á.
No card this year, obviously
but they've sent a text later in the evening
which compels me to edit this part
(nevertheless, thinking of them was painful).

Meanwhile, the day was dragging on a bit disappointingly:
a few messages from friends
in fact, some totally unexpectedly
and lots of silence from others.
I know the world's on the verge of collapsing
and so I really shouldn't have expectations
yet
apparently I still have them.

My brother's family saved the day though
with a lovely lemon cake made by my nieces
and a bag of food ("quarantine-present")
and some general merriment and lap-sitting and the rest.

Later I even went shopping (gasp!)
bought Dutch flower seeds
(then read at home that they're supposed to be sown in June...),
unicorn magic marshmallows :-),
a pink candle
and two big-flat-wheelie boxes
underneath my bed.

Trouble is "only" that I still don't feel like tidying.

But A. called a few minutes ago
how very kind of him;
and we even had a Skype conversation with G.
where I've got to see my future goddaughter live.

Seriously, I have no reason to be disappointed.
This turned out to be a quiet but good birthday.

on being a splendid fool

This is the time and place to volunteer!

eight plus one resolutions for these extraordinary times

1. I shall air through my flat three times a day, and walk outside twice for 15 minutes (in direct sunlight, if possible).

2. I shall get up by 8am, and go to sleep by 11pm.

3. I shall switch off every screen between 9pm and 9am.

4. I shall call at least two people a day, maybe a friend and a relative. I shall do my best to listen to them more than I speak.

5. I shall tell my phone number to the old ladies in my house, and offer to help in whatever they may need it. I should have done this upon moving in but better now than never.

6. I shall stay properly hydrated, and I shall pay attention to what and more importantly to how much I eat. Boredom-induced eating is never a good idea but even less so now when I need less calories.

7. From Monday to Saturday I shall work, volunteer, move and learn a bit every day. I shall try to tend to some neglected areas of my flat, too.

8. I shall pray, sing and give thanks and every day, as well as read, listen to or watch something uplifting, and something funny.

+1. I shall be extra thoughtful and patient with anyone under high pressure: people working in public service and healthcare, parents of small children, the elderly.

on shame

​I wonder what exactly took me this long in it
but here it is now:
I identified my single most depressing feeling
as shame.

An overwhelming, burning sense of shame
that I’ve been rejected for another
used, bored of and thrown away
(flushed down the toilet as it sometimes feels)
that I have not been and am not
living up to
whatever I ought to
that I am incapable of any proper employment
that I seemingly have nothing to offer the world
that I cry on more days than I am not
that I am empty
lacking any substance or essence

but I better stop here

(Now I wonder if identifying would change anything.
I'd be surprised if it did, though.)

on getting fat

No one takes me seriously in this matter (either, to be honest)
as if it were a sign of normalization
but of course gaining weight does not end where I used to be
and I was also a lot happier shape-wise last summer than before that
right now I am unable to button up my size 38 pair of jeans (not even standing)
from my bulging belly
and keep shoveling food in myself whenever I can
and can't make myself run
anyway, I'll tell the psychiatrist tomorrow
and ask her either for another medicine
or to stop entirely
though that may prove too early
but how am I supposed to know if I can live on without it?
Anyway, at least Mum will surely
give me a nice talking-to (?)
she is always dissatisfied with me.

on a dream

I dreamed about L. tonight
it was way too realistic
apart from some details
(but those I only noted after waking)
the kind of dream that feels real
up to my skin and flesh
shows my unfulfilled longings nicely
is there really no way to stay inside...?

on recent joys

We played Pandemic Thursday night
(till 1am or so)
with B. and N.
it was great fun
(though I am still a bit intolerant
towards meaningless vulgarity)

Tonight I watched an award ceremony
at the theatre
with two percussion bands
it was amazing

Also, I like this app very much

a prayer from long ago

Uram, valamit kezdj el már velem,
mert látod, hogy nem megy semmi.

Pedig még tudnék lelkesedni,
még nem múlt el az első szerelem,
ha be is temetem,
vagy betemeti más:
a munka vagy a fáradt,
sűrű megszokás.

Már nem is tudom,
hogyan is kellene,
hogy szolgád derűs szelleme
tartson még bennem,
és tudjak valami
küldetést látni
ebben a robotban,
ami még lelkesít --
ha már az emberek
nem is igénylik
azt, amit teszek --

vagy Te igényled bennünk azt, Uram,
és mégse minden céltalan?

on living in a nightmare

I think I'm fighting pretty hard
but no matter what
I just can't seem to find my way
back into my life

Every positive change
feels totally superficial
almost illusory
whereas the the pain and hopelessness
eat me away on a much deeper level

Yesterday (after hearing about (over)protective mothers
from more than one person last week)
I told the group that
no one ever had any fear for me

on food & family

I think I have always been fairly aware
of food wasting
and always tried to cut back on it
but my recent money-consciousness made a real difference
at the greengrocery I start at the half-price section
(which also means that I have to eat or prepare the stuff ASAP
but at least time is not a problem these days)
and the other day I turned the sour milk into cheese
which is pretty nice
(milk doesn't really go off by me nowadays
– I drink a lot –
but it feels like a new skill)

Today I talked about my family on therapy
nothing groundbreaking (unsurprisingly)
but it felt good to let the others know me a bit more
and I also became really grateful for my parents
after hearing the stories of the others.

on appearances

I've got an e-mail the other day from J.
starting with
"I'm glad things start to work out around you at last"
I wonder what could I have written that made it look like that...

If I think of Á, I still feel something pretty close to physical pain
I'm not sure if there was a full week since August
when I wouldn't have cried
(or indeed three consecutive days in recent months)

On other matters: I've long since
been considered a presents-person
which may be true to some extent
(I like both getting and giving
thoughtful presents
preferably nicely presented)
but
recently I found that what actually
determines my feelings towards someone
is their willingness to spend time with me.

I am climbing out of my latest rut, it seems
(no expectations, no naivite this time)

I went to Faith & Light meeting today
so many lovely people
J. thanked me saying that "she can count on me"
which was quite surprising
but nice

Oh, and I also managed to piece together
the armchair from my brother's attic
it took way more than it should have
(incl. two(!) visits to the screw shop)
it's nice and comfortable, and finally ready, of course
it's just that I did have some other plans for this morning, too
and was frustrated by my inability to do it more efficiently
(I will probably never become a DIY diva
try as I may)

And M. called the other day
and we decided that if I don't get to Bp. sooner
than he'll travel to me to toast our birthdays
(his is on the 29th)
it's nice to meet him for the third time in half a year
after about ten years with a, say, twice-in-three-years average

on recent times

The party a week ago was great
not too long but pretty intense
P. could have made me a bit happier
by tailoring the texts to the occasion
but then again, with all the toddlers around,
it's more than understandable that he did not
venture into anything fancy.
Milk rice was a great idea of F.
and most of the pumpkin soup was gone by the end, too.

Since then not much happened
I've got paid after the first two weeks of the electrode-painting
I've been to M. to soak a bit more in the lovely hot water
Dad sent me a heap of money unexpectedly
I've spent another good evening with B. at Jazz
had a long (3 hour-ish) walk with Sz.
bought a pair of running-proof earbuds

And yesterday I released this idea
into the virtual wilderness
so far the experiment is kind of successful
(though the first naysayers also showed up)

on feeling torpid

I called together a house-blessing (?) liturgy and party for tonight
spent most of yesterday with the preparations
there will be a full house, even to overflow
and this morning I had to admit to myself that
even party preparation is a lot more fun
and a lot less stress
if one isn’t alone in it
there is a lot more to do
I will be exhausted by the start of it
(and I better not think of the washing up yet
that will take up most of Friday morning)

I also regret all the nervousness
I ever felt and showed towards Á.
in similar circumstances

Why do I inevitably come to a point
to resent all my endeavors
every time I set out for something
just a bit beyond my comfort zone?

on today

It feels as though my soul has died in me
and whether my body follows
is not even very important any longer
(in reality it is, of course,
because of the finality factor)

Today we made lists on therapy
on the good and bad things we've got from our parents
with the aim of helping in our romantic relationships
only one girl got to talk
but it was quite interesting
I wonder what will be in it for me

I spent the rest of the day painting electrodes
a surprisingly rewarding activity
(not just paywise: it feels good
to have something come out of my hand
and watch the finished stuff
take up more and more space on the shelves)

And then we went to Makó
for bathing in the ever-hot waters
with F. and Zs.
in their new car.
Even their life is moving.

on (the lack of) willpower

Last evening I was in utter despair
again
not sure how it started
but I wound myself up to suicidal thoughts pretty quickly
spent the mass crying
and then a bit on the way home
soaking in self-pity
(you, my lord, if you have no servant...)
then read the email of Sr. A.
telling me straight that the idea of my uselessness is a temptation
Satan's trying to grab hold of me
(I thought about replying to her that
he has indeed succeeded in this attempt...)
and that sobered me up
along with my period... which also meant that it was
a particularly bad case of PMS
confirming my previous experience
on how vast amounts of sugar
wreak havoc in my hormonal system
and yet (and here I finally come to the title)
since January I am unable to exercise any constraint
it feels as though moving home has depleted all my reserves of willpower.
And also, becoming fat is something
for which I can loathe myself even more.

on a new source of joy

Cooking makes me happy.
The pleasure is immeasure
ably greater if there are
other people around to share it
(like A. and N. today for my
"cheap and cheerful" chicken risotto)
but the making, the creating part
is in fact much the same
even if it's just me.
It may be time to start
inviting people over for dinner
something I so wanted to do
probably since high school.

on the shrinking comfort zone

There is a new greengrocer(y?) just around the corner
I’ve been planning to go for some time now
and yet today I had to make a conscious effort
not to walk past it
to the usual one, even if it’s quite a bit farther.
It’s a bit scary
to watch myself losing ground so much.

Then I went into some cleaning spree at home
hoovered the inside of the convectors
and the pantry window
(which is in a horrible condition
but I better don’t go into much thinking about that)

I also had a go with my childhood-favorite dessert
bundás alma
it turned out nowhere near my grandmother’s, naturally
but still pretty tasty
(and I’ve got some insight for the next try)

on cluelessness

Today's therapy session was about
our well-made decisions from the past.
I talked about how I got to apply
for Hungarian major
(as well as the previously agreed-on German)
and also a bit about how clueless I was
at the university.
I was told how much I improved
because, see, apparently now
I am able to view
any situation from any angle,
to analyze it, and
generally how sharp I am.
I may have had to tell them how
utterly clue- and hopeless I am
on the jobmarket-battlefield...
but I didn't.
I'm getting better at faking, it seems.

on energy levels

I'm pretty low on energy these days
not really surprisingly
(but somehow I've only noticed it recently)
I crave carbohydrates
(a side-effect to my medicine, too
but I seem to be able to differentiate between cravings by now
and it feels a bit differently--
or maybe I just make that up for a handy excuse ("I need this")
which nevertheless is not true
for I do get fatter and fatter)
and also can't imagine a day without
lying in the tub
so far so
that if I know it'll be late by the time I get home
I lie in it any time during the day
without hesitation

I guess I'm at least as much affected
by the weather
and the general end-of-winter state of things
than by something depression-like
but it's still far from pleasant

(I actually have 6 tickets
to the beautiful Hagymatikum
where the water doesn't get cold and
I have all the time in the world
what I lack is only
money for the bus)

on saying yes

There was that principle I came across with
a while ago
on a possible way to more joyful parenting:
“I say yes
unless there is a compelling reason
to say no.”
It's quite amazing how slowly I learn
but today it just dawned on me
that I want to live my own life
this way.

It probably came
from a place of utter sillyness
which nevertheless felt fabulous
and even earned me the compliment of
“why u so fun? stop it!”
(and then of course
from what I learned today
the hard way).

on not daring greatly

I watched Brené Brown on Netflix
just yesterday
and yet when the time came today
to put her ideas into practice
I did not

And now the moment has passed
and even if it wasn’t anything
big or important
I feel like I’ve let myself down
and missed a chance

Breathe in
breathe out
let it be

on snakes and ladders

It feels as if I slid back about fifteen years
single and clueless about work (back then: study)
but unfortunately without the youthful vigour
to do foolish but fun things
or the endless possibilities
that laid ahead of me back then

It feels like losing my grip on life
whatever that may be
(the Buddhists would probably tell me
to go on this way
but to me) it feels
quite simply
like
losing

on being rejected again

Based on my test results
I was not hired by the translation agency.*
I am not happy.
And yet, it kind of directs me back
towards my original plan
I should just somehow survive until then
and that does not look quite so trivial a task
at this moment

-----
* And that brings us to a total of
3 job rejections +
1 finalised divorce paper
this week.

on unrequited love

Oddly enough, admittedly
on some level
I still miss L.
(Written on 4th Feb, the rest of this post has been edited out, sorry. :-))
And then today I ran into this article (scroll to the bottom for video format)
and it made me so happy.

It is just the mind, a very complicated machine,
constrained by the narrowness of existence,
turning its wheels,
tantalised by a vision of happiness
and sensing,
quite rightly and quite hopelessly,
that there could have been so much more to life
than there ever will be.

on a night out

Last night I went to Jazz with B.
drank way too much wine
and had a great time with
laughter and transparency and
sharing and zen and work and
adulthood and
man- and womanhood and
horrible dizziness towards the end :-)

I basically collapsed into bed back home
and now I am quite surprised
not to have a hangover at all
(though I almost never have—
why then am I always this surprised?)

on a job interview

...that I actually enjoyed!
(I wonder if the tranquilizer has helped in that...)

The talking part was o.k.
quite generic questions, nothing very unexpected
and then there was a test
consisting of three parts:

• correcting a Hungarian text;
• writing recommendations and requesting correction from the translator of another (here I had both the English source and the Hungarian translation);
• and finally checking a translation from English to Norwegian :-) (that meant proper nouns, numbers, punctuation, formatting mostly).

Looking forward to hearing of them 

though it won’t be till the end of February

because there are lots of people still to be interviewed 

(fortunately not only for this placement).

(Meanwhile I’ve also got an unsurprising rejection 

from the school library on the corner.)

on mental health

Later I watched this TED playlist
noted once again that I am not depressed
(whether or not there’s a “yet” remains to be seen)
and even cried a bit over some talks

I also admitted to myself once again
that neither medication nor therapy will heal me
it’ll either be that I find some purpose to my life
or it won’t happen

But that’s still way beyond my capacity
at present it’s still the question of  “to think or not to think”
because if I do think
then there is only despair

on Wanderlust

I am watching this film right now
five minutes into it I was like
“What the hell am I still doing here...?!”
it felt good for a while
as if it could happen
but after that it’s just frustrating
the gap between my dreams and my reality
has never been wider

on Providence

Last night on my walk home
I was lamenting my dire financial state
when suddenly I came to a halt
by a box of long French bread loafs on the pavement.
At first I walked on
with the instinctive ”there are people needing this more than me”
but a few seconds later I turned back
and took one of the twenty-ish pieces
fully convinced that it was indeed there for me.

on memories & medicine

I've read this article today
it resonates with me somehow

Then I donated blood
and had this piece of conversation
with the doctor (and myself):
She: - Any medication you take on a regular basis?
Me: - Yarocen.
She, nodding absent-mindedly: - Contraceptive.
Me, inside: - ??? Should I tell her it's an antidepressant?

In the end I didn't. It wasn't on the list,
the previous doctor was fine with it,
and it just felt better to be thought of.
(Added ironies to the situation:
1) being single
2) being a Catholic
3) having a father with a history of DVT.)

on trust vs. compassion

Today I learned about myself
that while it must be a good thing that everyone around me
is 100% convinced of my full recovery
I actually wish for compassion more than trust

and what brought it forth:
I've got to speak on therapy today
even if only for the last twenty minutes or so
with my card chosen three weeks ago
for the question of
"what's your most pressing problem now"
it said EXHAUSTION
I spoke about my emotional state
pretty much everything that came up here recently, too
and the psychologist woman replied along the lines of
"you are so much stronger than you think now"
while the guy turned to me and said something like
"I don't think so"
and that he rather thinks I show a good face but the trouble is much bigger
and then I felt understood, even loved
up to being worth the worry

It's a bit as if the trusting ones stood on the edge of my game field
watching me
quite possibly with a wider angle of view
but from afar

on talents and superpowers

Today I realised that there is one thing
at which I am better than many people I know:
making decisions quickly.
I can't remember any big question
over which I would have ruminated much
or indeed that I would have regretted afterwards.

What makes it even more interesting is that
I never thought of myself as an intuitive person
I mean, I spend more time with the captions than with the paintings in any museum, seriously?!

I also thought for a moment about
what my mum apparently told my brother:
that I were great with languages.
Too bad I am not even motivated for that.

Oh, yes. My job interview will be rescheduled from tomorrow
but I was only told this much after I signalled my willingness to show up tomorrow
(I've got this date exactly 3 weeks ago
so it seemed a good idea to register my interest once again)
it's kind of strange

And still no word from the school
(not that I'd have had high hopes)

on the need to keep breathing

I certainly didn’t see this coming:
a call from the state adoption agency
asking how we’ve(!) been doing
because there would’ve been a child...
To my utter surprise, there was also a
”so you don’t want to do this on your own”
to which I could only answer
”not in a few years, no, I can’t expose a child to this”
—I wonder now what would’ve happened if I’d said yes
but no, there is no legally or morally acceptable way

It must have been an administrative mishap
because it was the same lady who replied to me so kindly
back in November.

...Breathe in... breathe out...

on baby steps

Today I put away my clothes from the dryer rack
(instead of just using them as I go)
washed my bed linen (yeah, well, I needed the rack, o.k.)
baked a fish for lunch
swept the kitchen, the entry and the bathroom
and even sent out a few emails in the hope of new jobs.

Now I am tired and a bit disappointed with myself.
This is not the way to total destruction!

on money

As usually, I'm so much behind the facts in my understanding
nevertheless, I did come to realise this a few weeks ago or so:
I will probably never be quite as well off again
as I used to be pretty much in my entire life this far.
I can't really remember any time when money would have been tight (or even just much of an issue)
which is so much to be grateful for
and so much to grieve, too...

Now I have this alms from Á.
which is enough to keep the heating running
(and that only because he didn't stop it when I asked him)
but that's about it
and even if I do get a job eventually
I will never be paid enough to support the lifestyle I used to have
with the burden of trying to provide for a pension
--the previous savings stayed with Á., obviously, and there are no kids on the horizon to help out in my old ages.

I should probably make peace with the bleak prospects
and at the same time start appreciating my abundant past
that gave me so much to be grateful for.

on today's discovery

Today I visited P. in M.
cried a lot
(fortunately that's fine with him)
and eventually fought my way
all the way back
to the first relevant thing
said to me during therapy
(and yes, that means September)
because everything goes back to this
up to my latest "resolve"
to die or at least cripple to this
--because that's behind my "what's the point?!"
as I figured out a few weeks ago--

so
wherever I try to twist it
the end of it is always the same:
I can't
and don't even want to
forgive myself.

on (not) complaining

Complaining doesn't help
but not complaining sometimes does, a bit
I should try and hold my tongue
on the next therapy session, too
although I really did get frustrated
by the happenings of the last time

So strange to have
almost no human contact
for half days at a time

Today I felt like saying farewell to people
as if I really would die
but no, the flesh won't die
and the spirit already has, pretty much
so it's kind of pointless.

on today

Last night I spent at my brother's
supervising the kids
(it's less and less of a drudgery as time goes by)
I watched Friends late into the night
and slept in today
later I went to see "aunt" P. at the care home
she was completely clear-headed and even in a pretty good shape physically

At home I didn't do anything
apart from having  lunch and baking oat cookies
oh no, I also put my name on the post box
and saved the scanned ownership-certificate of the flat

and of course watched a whole lot of Friends (S08)

Now I am at the first practice of the gospel choir
but we are only 5 plus the conductress

It's been a good day.

(I keep thinking of asking a bunch of my friends
to join me in putting together a
"Reasons to Stay Alive" list...
I'll see what becomes of it.)

on exhaustion

It seems that I've exhausted my friends' supportivity resources
in my heart of hearts I can sympathise with them
I too would find it impossible to be there for me always

But there are new ones stepping in
today I had lunch with A.
and he's just as wise and caring as ever
how nice it would be to meet more

My own exhaustion today
(the point from which I started writing this)
is from the therapy session:
the girl right on my right in the circle
finally told us about her most recent struggle
namely that she's been cheating on her husband for the last year or so
and she hates and hurts herself for doing it
but doesn't want to hurt her husband
and although she tried, she couldn't end the affair either
whilst the other guy has a live-in girlfriend, too
and isn't exactly acting as if he'd leave her soon
very complicated and troublesome

And she actually started with
"I find it hard to tell because you are here"
so I was more or less forced
to give her permission to share
and my opinion was expected
so I had to grow up to the task
(or is it "rise to tge occcasion" in English?)
on the spot
which I eventually
(and with the help of God)
managed

I told her that I think she'll have to take responsibility
and that her husband wouldn't necessarily leave her
if she is committed to the marriage
and that it isn't unforgivable
as long as she takes steps and is ready to forgive herself, too

In the end I gave her the piece of paper
that I've been carrying around in my pocket
since December
on one side with Rom 8,1
on the other with Is 43,19
(she told us that she used to be a practicing Catholic
and hasn't been to church since this has started).
And she asked whether she can hug me
(which I also wanted to ask for)
and so we did.

Last but not least
last night we celebrated H.'s 40th birthday
with a scavenger hunt type game in the city in the afternoon
and cake etc. at home in the evening
and it was very nice
lots of friends, children, general merriment
loneliness and isolation only got me once
and at the end I handed over to him my
"this I like in you" letter*
which he read on the spot
and was touched almost to tears
which was pretty good to see
(he isn't of the emotional sort).
I was also thanked by A. for involving some faraway friends.

Someone said grief is
love that has no outlet

* I have a resolution to write these for the round birthdays of my friends—I don't always remember but now I did.

on people

This morning T. called me
saying he has about two more hours in Szeged
how about meeting
and it was nice
and I'm very glad he thought of me
(we aren't close friends).

And then in the afternoon Sz.
and I am ashamed to even write this but
her friendship is a burden
we just don't click
and she just doesn't notice
I'm afraid she's too lonely for even that
I never call her
and am always reluctant to meet
but obviously don't want to be a total jerk

And today I realised what it really is that I stand so badly:
it's the fact that her life is absolutely not moving forward
she's stuck in a rut
stagnant
stale
and on some semi-conscious level
I am terrified of becoming like her.

Would people feel similarly in my company?
I hope those that are moving are more immune to this.

And I've got a book from Cs., thank you! :-)
I've had to circumvent Amazon
because of the usual ”not available in your country” thing
but I managed it in a few hours
through exchanging the gift for a voucher
and buying the book for that.

on internet advice

According to The Internets
divorce is the. best. thing. that can happen to any married woman.
I've spent the last hour or so looking up "divorce recovery" on Pinterest
– maybe it was the wrong search term, come to think of it –
and pretty much every single article started with two sentences on
how you may feel crap now
BUT fear not, it will change, and very soon you'll be
soo much happier than you've ever been or thought to become (as a wife or not).

I want to hit anybody coming to me with these.

And I am already afraid of the next therapy session
because I'll almost certainly get to speak now
and I have nothing new to tell
no horrible childhood events or similar secrets
or even recent changes
and all I have said by now
they are already bored with (rightly, if I am honest).

on my take on life

My point of view is shifting
and not in the right direction
"if you compare yourself to others
you may become bitter or vain
for there will always be
greater and lesser persons
than yourself"
Obviously, my trap is the bitterness
I feel as though everyone around me
were moving forward
closer to their goals and ambitions
hopes and dreams
while I am here not just in one place or even moving backwards
but actually without any of these.
Really, I'm just keeping up appearances
(all the while priding myself in being
an honest and transparent person!)
mostly for my own sake, fortunately
but still without any content
I am empty
and the bottom lacking it doesn't look as if I could fill up in the foreseeable future, either

I wonder what depression may feel like
if there are stages to it where this may be the entry level
or maybe it's still just the outside hall
where I am pacing round and round
waiting for some other door to open
or at least to appear on another wall.

on these days

Yesterday I found a test on my "divorce recovery" level
and, perhaps not surprisingly, I fared badly
among the lowest 15% in avarege
and I know I shouldn't be discouraged
("it will be better" and all the rest)
but I am.

In the evening I attended the closing gathering
of the week of guided prayer
and was probably the only person
of the 25-30 there who didn't share
anything remotely consolation-like.

Today, however, I'll meet
the people of Faith & Light
and I've been looking forward to it
for a few days now
so that's good.

on a strange dream

I was on Vesper at the Margit krt. (?) Franciscans
with a friend (I'm not quite sure who of a few possibilities)
and I was happily and probably loudly
singing the first line of the psalm
(for an unusual tone, from note sheet)
when in my peripheric sight there appeared
the guy sitting in front of me
turning back, right in my face
frowning very much.
It took some time to me to undestand this:
I made the unforgivable mistake
of singing at the wrong time
when only the monks were supposed to.
And there, my jaw stayed wide open
and I couldn't close it again
throughout the whole liturgy
and not even afterwards.
I didn't really feel pain only this
"flexible" but very strong resistance.
I went slowly around at the church
and felt weird
even though my jaws came a bit closer
so my mouth wasn't wide open any longer.
Also, I started wondering if this was so
even if I woke up... but was very curious how the dream unfolded
so I tried very hard not to wake up...
And then I started getting messages
with lines of foxes and wolves somehow
(I can't remember seeing letters in fact but I definitely played the text aluod in my mind)
they were from N. (in Y. still)
saying in essence that
"there, I am glad you won't show up on my doorstep unannounced"
and maybe some hint that she knew the solution
but here I couldn't ignore
my phone's beeping any longer

it turned out to be WhatsApp
which I basically keep
for keeping in touch (albeit sporadically)
with L.
and indeed it was him
answering my questions on his new apartment in B.
and asking about my travel plans.

What a strange thing
being this talkative
before 7am...!

on today

Today I cooked again
and had N. and J. over for lunch
which was pretty nice
(and so is the fact that I could freeze a bit from the leftover).

I've got a job advertisement as well,
forwarded by a friend:
the primary school on the corner
is looking for a librarian.
It was due today so I applied immediately
we'll see if it works out.

Meanwhile, the closest church
is looking for a sacrestian(?), too
but it would mean a very odd schedule
of early morning and evening hours
pretty much day by day
(and also some cleaning
that isn't really my cup of tea).

In the afternoon I started colouring my suicidal fantasies again
not a good sign, according to the books
but then I had a talk with my retreat guide
and that helped me see life in a slightly more hopeful colour
(and also got me a slightly sceptical remark from Zs. --
I probably shouldn't share this much of my spiritual endeavours).

In the evening I went to a meeting
for Saturday's Faith & Light gathering
and enjoyed the company
of a bunch of women
about 15-20(!) years my junior
and tried not to think much
about how happy and hopeful
I used to be around that age
(esp. since I really wasn't always).

on falling apart, again

Maybe it was the mailbox
or the fact that my money is running worryingly low
(without much prospect for any solution)
or I don't know
but maybe it doesn't matter anyway
maybe it's just that I had about two weeks of calm
and that, apparently, is not what I deserve
and so here I am again
alternating between wanting to knock myself out
or to kill myself.
(I shall opt for the first one
at least for the time being.)

on retreat, again

I have no idea what I have to do with God
but I definitely know that I have something to do
and so I am on a retreat (week of guided prayer) again
with the same director with whom I walked through it last year (Fr. L.)
today I told him about my recent stuff in a nutshell
and we ended up at Jacob's story
I wonder how far I'll get in prayer (if anywhere)

We also met with the protestant women's circle
I'm still not sure where that thing is heading to
but today I felt some sort of commitment towards them
to my great surprise, honestly.

the one on Jacob

”When you don’t give up, there is a blessing for you on the other side, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have a limp.

Jacob wrestles with God and comes out of the match both blessed and broken.

He has a limp that he’s going to have to live with, but the limp is a reminder of the blessing. He has a scar now, but when he sees it, he remembers the struggle and the blessing that came from it.”

(Kyle Idleman)

the one on nothing much

Apparently
med #1 (the hungry-making) along with poverty
will make a cook of me...
Today I went to the greengrocers and bought some random fruit & veg
(after trading a piece of lasagna for a bucket of french salad with B.)
and in the afternoon I cooked the first pumpkin cream soup of the season.
And it made me pretty happy.

In the evening my brother came with some more parts of the armchair
and with my nephews
who are missing me and my nightly read-alouds
and that made me pretty happy, too.

Tomorrow I'll be visiting this train model thingy with them
and send a few pictures over to S. :-)

the one on the upward spiral

I am getting better
had an Italian lesson with my brother (must. get. to. learn. the. words.)
drove home (badly but successfully) with my stuff + the best ever armchair (or at least most parts of it...)
had an unremarkable lunch with N.
bought some groceries on the way home
cooked up a lasagna from a box (expired in 2018 but without any noticeable fault)
and spread Dead Sea mud all over myself while watching Friends (S06)
(note to self: doing the whole process in the tub may have spared me some cleaning).

the one on the use of the internet and running

One of the most fun uses of the internet

is obsessing over people.

The smaller their digital footprint 

the merrier the search

:-)

Other than this, today

I handed in my first ever

international invoice

(for what may have been my first ever

no-friend-involved proofreading job!)

and G. came to visit

and we had a long and deep conversation

(as we usually do)

and I read this blog post

and found it absolutely inspiring
it so perfectly captures my own experiences with running
the I-can-do-this
as well as
the overpowering
I-can't
"run away from the relentless story of failure that kept running on replay in my head"

too bad I have no running-proof earbuds

and the application isn't compatible with my phone

and I am lazy...

And I forgot to mention meeting I. yesterday
though that was nice, too
even if I felt closer to her
on the threshold of adoption
than I did now.

the (new) one on guilt(?)

Therapy, again
there was first this very curious dance
I gave some general-ish feedback on my feelings after the last time
and got some amazingly well-disguised response from the psychologist guy
which made it clear to me that he knew perfectly well that I was talking about him
and also (made clear) what he thought
while none of us had to say anything concrete
I really enjoyed it

And then at the end there was this open-ended sentence:
"It's hard for me to admit to myself..."
and I came up with
"...that deep in my heart I know a lot of good things about myself."
Which corresponds with what I've found lately
namely that I do know many things that I could do for myself on any given day
yet I tend to just say "what's the point"
as if I really wouldn't even want to feel better
one of the women in the group once said
"I don't want to do therapy because it's good for me
and I don't give myself time for stuff that's good for me"
which I found very sad and quite disturbing at the same time
I mean, really, how can one say this (let alone think)
and then now I am pretty much at the same place
and as I started wondering why it is, that I don't want to feel better
(and indeed sometimes feel worse just because of lightening up)
the term "I don't deserve it" swam into my consciousness
to be immediately followed by "guilt".

Oh, how I hate this.

(Other than this, all's well.)

the one in which further good things happen

On Saturday I went to a party
(meaning a handful of friends, board games, very moderate drinking and not excessive junk-food eating)
I had a minor meltdown over one of the games
but other than that it was great
we laughed a lot
and generally had fun
though I had an odd, persistent stomach ache for the last couple of hours
which didn't leave me on departure either
so when at home (! - my own flat for a change) I realised
I forgot my phone behind
I became a bit worried that if I end up in ER by any chance
I'll have to get there on foot

anyway, I started looking up my inventory of herbal teas
as to their stomach-ache reductive powers
(lacking my laptop and phone, I relied on a book and the instructions on the tea sachets...)
and came up with aniseed and liquorice
(both of whose taste I heartily dislike...)
plus a hot water bottle
and the sleeping pill

and slept soundly and without any disturbance whatsoever
till ten o'clock or so.

On Sunday evening I went to visit P. finally
(after a good three months, it seems)
we had a very good, honest and at times raw conversation
after which I felt more or less like mhself again
I am utterly grateful for this
and for him in general.

And today, help from unexpected quarters:
É. from our church group
came to sleep over
I never was very close to her
up to recent times
when her depression hit her hard again
and somehow the two of us became in the group
the two sad, lonely, broken, struggling people
together.

And I swept, mopped and tidied up for her
which will in turn lift my mood, too
for days to come.

the one in which the heroine runs into an old friend

...and finds that there still are people out there
completely unaware of the changes in her life

Well, I guess I'd better get used to it
if I chose not to put up a sign on Facebook
something like
"Husband swapped me for young and pretty colleague, let me just die where I am"
if I didn't take that course
(though it wouldn't necessarily have been so bad an idea, would it?)
I may better get used to having to tell it
over and over again.

Or... just die where I am!

the one where good things happen

On the first of January, after the evening mass
an acquaintance (actually the one who lost her daughter to leukemia this autumn)
came up to me with the idea of
singing this archaic folk-prayer-chant
about Mary, mother of God
with a third woman of whom we knew she knows it
and so we did, when most people left the church
and it was pretty good.

On the way out I ran into G.
who disappeared from my life in summer
(that's his way, I got used to it by now, well, more or less)
anyway, it turned out that he had an email
being written to me
for months by now
so he sent it over this morning
and it was really kind,
mostly saying that he wasn't sure what I may be wishing for, and what I may not
and so he just never dared call.
So I told him he overthought this
and we set up a meeting for next week.

Then today I met N. finally
also after like half a year or so
(with the significant difference that she lives far away)
and she somehow got me a whole lot better than I'd have dared hope
not sure what exactly happened
but her quiet confidence that I will eventually be o.k.
somehow spoke to me
in a way that could penetrate my armor
better than any similar input in recent weeks.

the one on a new year

So
eventually this year has come to an end, too
and now I have this totally unreasonable hope again
that from now on it will be all roses
yeah
as it usually is

2020
goodness me, if I ever had thought of this year earlier
I'd have said I'll be "old as the road"
living in all-in-all satisfactory, happy marriage
having some sort of a job
or maybe at home with kids
(not because they were so young still
but because it's better for them to have their mom (=ME!) around)

and look at me
it's non of the above
and I'd better not even get started on what I am
completely inadequate
damaged good
a mess

There is something fabulously pathetic
in how Friends appeals to me
because I can soo relate
to so many things
but at least not only
as regards to my crap life
but also as to my friends
who tried to get me to the party
for quite some time last night.