on loyalty, imaginary or real

I told G. & A. way back that I won’t attend the harvest this year 
yet when they told me a few days ago that they invited Á.
I felt very much hurt

In my mind
the inevitable is happening
people get over their initial indignation
shrug and say "well, he must have had his reasons"
make peace and then friends with A.
and in the end he’ll have it all
and I’ll have nothing

I guess it’s not exactly realistic
nevertheless this is how I feel
and in theory that’s neither good nor bad

but in fact it is rather bad
for it makes me see painfully clearly
how very, very far I have come
from the generosity I truly felt
towards him just a year and a half ago

I am moving backwards
not only in terms of the external stuff
but even as a person

I try not to imagine where I will end up

on aging, part 2

When I was young, I never understood

why people would fret over their age

then as I grew older

I drifted farther and farther

from where I ought to have been

and with that, the fretting started

Around this time before turning 30

I remember posting "emotional turmoil" on Fb

to which P. replyed with interest

and so we sat down in an outdoor cafe next to Nyugati

and I wept about certainly not bearing a child by the age of 30

(he was remarkably uncompassionate 

which hurt deeply)

at that time I held that the latest age

for having a first child

is 35

(the example being my uncle & aunt

who were about 40 

when my nephew was born)

Well, that should be over by now

but it isn't

instead, I took another step backwards 

with the divorce

on aging

Maybe because my birthday was so unusual this year
I was more aware of my .5th
and now that that too is over
I started agonising on shortly becoming 40
something totally unimaginable

Of course it shall be just as it always is:
nothing changes from one day to the next

I will get used to ticking one box lower in all those web-forms
to being in a whole different decade than most of my friends
and in the same one with many others
who always seemed so put together
who have kids in high school

comparison is the thief of joy
but how am I to fend it off
should I live on a desert island?

(What makes this post especially tragic is that I kept planning
a proper joyous one
with all the delights of the weekend...)

on constantly monitoring myself

I’m not sure how helpful it is
but I find myself taking my mental temperature
many times a day

feeling worse is familiar ground
this dread of sleep that led me here now
that envy toward my friends having their babies
that deep, deep sadness

feeling better, on the other hand, fills me with some vague remorse
because it means that I am becoming unfaithful
(to what exactly? my ideals?)

and the latest: I don’t want to eventually just "feel good"
because the only way I can imagine that 
is by burying whatever pains me now
and that’s unworthy of the cause

and who knows whether when I feel better now
I am not doing exactly that

but who will tell me if and when I am actually healing?
how will I know? 

on some newly found joys

A few weeks ago I set off
to create some sort of an evening routine
of course the usual way, wanting it all at once :-)
but a few steps seem to stick
(if it is not too late already at the start):
I brew a cup of lemon balm tea infusion
light a candle
and pray with some audio examen while sipping it
I stretch a bit
and the happiest: I step out to the balcony
and say good-night to the moon :-)
which is strangely comforting
even in the night chill

Also, sleeping in a cool room 
does make a big difference for me 
I think I only shut my window fully once so far
[would someone please tell me the correct word order???]
and don’t mind even the initial cold
because I sleep so much better this way

(also, should I close the window,
I would probably die after the first few nights
in the dust of my room :D)

Another joy was to have lunch and coffee and cake with P. today
we figured we met last at A.’s birthday
close to 4 months ago
a shame, really
but we had a great conversation at last

And we also had a video chat with N. and A. in the morning
which provided a glimpse into each other’s days
I’m glad for that, too

And I sent a message to S., finally
he’s on his way to Wroclaw
feeling a bit better than the last time we chatted (months ago :-( )

And I am horribly worried for K.
something for St. Therese of Lisieux to work hard on

on a life lesson, learned again

On Wednesday I finally sent a text to Sr. A.
and got a call from an unknown number
while sitting at choir practice
and a text saying
This is Sr. J., please call me back about Sr. A.

and then I pretty much knew

but I would never have dreamt that she died
right that previous night
just when I reached out to her
after months and months of procrastinating

and I (should’ve) learned it with B. bácsi 
our dear old musical history teacher
way back in 2000
when I didn’t post him
that card from Warsaw
with the Chopin monument

I have to pay more attention to my parents

the age of weddings and baptisms 
is slowly but surely changing 
into the age of funerals

on gender issues

So this year's International Booker Prize winner is a Dutch book
written by an author not yet 30
who “identifies as both male and female”
and it made me face it once again:
I am unsettled by these new identities

With a little thinking, I could also work out why:
age and sex are the first two signposts for me
about how to relate to anyone

I remember well when I had to talk to a lady in burqa
at the Visitors’ Centre in Strangeways
and I felt lost
not having any idea of her age
(even with the English language not really distinguishing
between, say, a formal or an informal address) 

Anyway, last night I downloaded the novel’s first four chapters (Amazon sample)
and found that it is indeed very well written (and translated to English)
would probably be well worth reading
despite its dark theme

on the joys of autumn

Finally I don't have to let my blinds down

because the sun doesn't rise too early

and because it's not hot in the mornings any more

my plants will be glad for the light

and so am 

(if only it would flood

a tidy and clean room...!)

the air is also crisp

and somehow smelling autumn-like

hoodie-weather

(if only I had that hoodie...)

on shame

Yesterday I listened to a podcast episode on shame

it was very interesting indeed

turns out that shame works differently from other emotions

even on the neuron (?) level:

while others may be reversed fairly easily

shame's paths are somehow more set

meaning that unlike after, say, hearing someone apologise

and never being angry with them again

shame keeps coming back

It reminded me of what I once heard

that (Catholic) women who had an abortion

keep confessing it

I always found it (scary and) weird

you are forgiven, why would you confess anything more than once

but by now I understood 

I could do it with the divorce

(and it wasn't even my decision)

The other interesting thing in the podcast

was that just as we are not getting into shame alone

we can't get out of it alone either

we need the acceptance of others

(for ourselves, not for our actions)

on dragging along

It's not nearly as bad as it was a few months ago

but I still lack energy or vitality

I still prefer to cancel group events

and procrastinate a lot

but some of my official programs were cancelled, too

so I could go to Szalafo for almost 4 weeks

whether that would be wise remains to be decided

Meanwhile yesterday "marked" the first psychodrama session

which was exhausting

probably more or less due to my very strong reistance

I still feel the urge to back out

there's going to be sweat and blood

and mirrors in which 

I am not sure if I am prepared to look into

and then there is the self-consciousness 

and the fact that I am miles away from my body

it actually feels strange to try and express myself 

in any other way than through words

on work strategies

Today I asked my boss 

whether he'd be o.k.

with me sending him a two-line email

each workday night

telling him what I've been doing

because apparently

(and pretty shamefully but never mind that)

I run on accountability

I wonder what he'll say to it tomorrow

(in fact, as far as self-hacks go

I think it's quite a good one

he wouldn't even have to read them)

Meanwhile, I've been to Pomaz

for Dad's birthday

it was nice

(I asked him about my reaction

on Mum's homecoming at 4 months

and he said he can't remember anything exceptional happening)

and so was little E's baptism in Keszthely

a very intimate event

with way too much to eat afterwards

I still can't get my head around

being bestowed so much trust upon

by G. and A.

it actually feels like a compelling reason to stay alive

By night we found out that

someone from the community of the baptising priest 

was found COVID positive in Budapest

we are still waiting for the test result of Fr. Z.

on nothing in particular

I worked totally insufficiently this whole week

it weighs on my conscience 

but at least today I got to catch up with A.

having last met around the end of June

it was nice

S. K. is off to Germany for about three months

so much for her calling me :-)

N. flew back to Y. today

I wonder if she'll get the next job there

I listened to a ton of podcasts

and radio dramas

and ate half a melon today

which was almost sweeter than I wished for

I overspent horribly this week

and just realised a week or so ago

that I ignored YNAB's advice

namely to live on last month's paycheck

and slipped into living 

on the most recent one

and that might be worth reversing if I can

BUT I washed my hair

and went house-minding

without being forced to do either

(if not by the urge of procrasti-working...)

on these days

Yesterday I helped P. tuning the organ in Makó
it involved lots of scaling on the keyboard
and lots of handing over pipes to him
(preferably in some set order :-))
it was great fun, I had hours to read meanwhile,
and he payed me very handsomely in the end

Today I did a little bit of translation
but it will be a drag this way
I could hardly make myself do it
and payed a lot for eating and drinking out
and then when I came home, all my energy left (again)
and I skipped the gospel choir
and only the occasion makes me
willing to get up and move to the pub
(it being N.’s farewell party)

I was admitted to the psychodrama group
I have half a mind to let go of it
it will by all probabilities be so painful

Meanwhile the lectures which I should attend
(organised by my workplace and selling "my" coffee)
were reshuffled again
meaning that I could spend two weeks at most in Szalafő

Nothing ever works out the way I’d like it to

on a few pieces of the jigsaw falling to place

Today I went to an introductory interview
with S. Ó. for the psychodrama
a downright amazing business, as it turned out

At first she seemed rather reserved or even rigid
asking me for explanations whenever I wasn’t crystal clear

On a whim I told her the story
that my mother left for a month in England
when I was three months old
(the chance came before I was concieved
and in 1981 one did not hesitate much to take it)
I saw her face darken
she asked how I reacted when she returned
but no stories of that, unfortunately

Anyway, I went on with my life story
coming eventually to the divorce
she listened for a while
I started crying
and then all at once she said something like

You know, I have the feeling
that you are re-living that abandonment by your mother now
and that's what makes you feel so powerless
as an adult, one has lots of resources to use, a whole life
but a baby is utterly vulnerable
that was a trauma
for which you may well be angry at her
you would have needed your mother

My jaw dropped
and I asked what is there to do now
to which she replied much like
PálFeri in one of his lectures:
start loving and caring for that baby
tell her you will never abandon her

I was dead tired after that half an hour
got a coffee at a fancy open-air place
and told N. via chat
she wasn't nearly as impressed as I
which affected me surprisingly badly
but only for a short time

In the afternoon I met my brother
told him, too 
he replied with uncharacteristic empathy
and that felt nice

I also met A. in the evening
but didn’t tell her :-)

on dreams failing me (or I them)

So the days go by more or less fine

but I seem to have lost a few dreams again

much as I liked the idea of a South East Asian backpacking adventure

I decided to give it one more thought

when I realised that given the choice

I would always opt for mountain over sea

and cold/dry over hot/humid

but nowhere else would so little money

take me nearly so far

and two weeks of backpacking

sounds a lot less promising life-change-wise

than three months

then there was the idea of moving to Sz.

for October

but alas, that would make doing away with myself way too easy

so maybe I should abandon it

"for the time being"

then I finally called a gas man to fix the stovetop

where one of the "roses" wasn't working

and then (just as he foretold it, in fact)

while trying to fix it, he actually killed another one, too

leaving me with the need for a new one

which in turn made me realise

that I wished for a built-in stove

in my future kitchen

but I obviously can't start 

a complete renovation now

and won't replace the stove again

sometimes I'd like to sell the flat

and just spend the money travelling the world

without a single care for the ever-eluding "future"

(including those more abstract 

and even less attainable dreams

like a husband and kids)

Maybe I should look at it 

from the point of view that at least 

I had some new dreams to lose

on parallel work

I prefer this term to cowork, I think

because it expresses better

that everyone's doing their own job

much like tiny children play alongside one another

yet not together

Anyway, I had a great session of this today with N.

I was more productive than at any time recently

even translated a bit

and realised once again

my tragedy, that I usually don't allow myself 

the time required to get into the "translation zone"

where I am actually pretty close to flow

In the evening I listened to A. K.

lecturing (and telling many stories)

on resilience

it was very interesting

and I also enjoyed interpreting

to a nice elederly American couple

I learned from them how Robert Ford

stigmatized train travel and even walking (!)

as part of his pro-car campaign

and what a success it became...!

on singing

There were three choir rehearsals 

before tonight's concert 

of which I skipped the first two

but in just half an hour 

I could feel the difference on the last one

not to mention the fact that we sang

along the local symphonic orchestra

which made it a lot more fun to do

and to listen to :-)

Other than this, not much

The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins

(read by Phoebe Judge)

2048 till my wrist hurts

an experiment in intermittent fasting (16/8)

lots of procrastination 

some suicidal fantasies 

some dreams about trying to avoid stuff

(from having to play the bassoon

to getting raped)

Oh, yesterday I processed 

much of the tangible memories 

of the last 6ish years

(tickets &c.)

it was actually easier than I thought

on holiday, again

I get a lot of Balaton this summer, it seems

here I am in Keszthely again

since yesterday

Sz. took me to a group of foreigners (pensioners, in fact)

practicing Hungarian conversation

it was great fun, we hit it off splendidly 

though (yet again) I couldn't resist

marvelling at some amazing British accents

and worse, chatting a fair bit in my not so amazing Mancunain

(which nevertheless got me the kind compliment of 

"your English is exceptional")

anyway, I'll send them some online resources

and then they may or may not use them

We also talked a lot with Sz.

or to be honest, I did

and asked way less than I ought to have

but I saw their lovely new home

and garden

and the Cameroonian sheep next door (or rather garden)

and had a fine lunch made by her husband

in many aspects a life I shall never have

while in many others one very close to mine

We've also stood a bit in the water

shared a pizza

walked around quite a bit 

climbed to St Michael's chapel nearby

and met Sz's third cousin

a friendly architect who's currently working on a farm house in Pomáz

Then today I came to G & A & little E 

G wasn't at home till 9pm

but with the "girls" we walked around in the centre quite a bit

ate ice cream

and I was talked to a lot more than asked

which felt like the universe balancing out my previous performance

on a way too lazy weekend

Let's see:

I bought soda water from the manufacturer lady 

two doors down the street

made two kinds of salmon salads

got the next granola delivery from T.

wrote the introductory letter for the psichodrama ladies

had dinner tonight with Cs.

and that was it for the weekend, I guess

on the one I will never be

Somehow

recently

l started feeling that pain again

of every baby reminding me

of my never-to-be one(s)

Today at mass however

I’ve got the bright idea

to hand it over to Jesus

Who, unsurprisingly, 

didn’t deem it proper 

to take it away

right then and there

but heck, at least it wasn’t

a completely destructive startegy

on a new beginning

Today I finally got to visit P.

after a gap of nearly 7 months

and I was almost surprised to find 

that 2 hours were enough

to comfortably catch up

(mostly him with me, naturally 

but I too got a glimpse)

It felt like homecoming

like "fine-processing" recent events

that have already gone through

the rougher mills

but never became quite consistent

I got to choose my penance, too

"write that letter to the prison tonight"

I said without hesitation

and so by now it is done

right up to the post-ready envelope

on the end of the group therapy

I was quite disappointed
ever since finding out that it ends here

I really don’t feel much improved

despite what was said today 
(namely that each one of us present 

has found her mental resources

and grew since we last met)

Maybe I just had too high expectations

But there was one very interesting observation 

made directly to me:

that the verb halogat

feels as though I was leaving things to die

***

Meanwhile, a starting psychodrama group 

came across me today

and I realised that maybe

the fullness of time arrived for me 

to try it 

on a new circle of people

Interestingly 

since the divorce I've gotten into more new groups

than I have in a couple of years before:

the two choirs

Tiszavirág, the Faith & Light community

the therapy group

the “women's club” by the Calvinists

and now my workplace

(although naturally there are overlaps between them)

Lots of remarkable women seem to surround me

of a wide age range:

the conductresses and pastors’ wives

those fabulous girls in Tiszavirág

Zs. told me how glad she is these days

for the company of women

(esp. after having had a male for spiritual director

who was excellent but still a man)

I laughed a bit

probably because as a Catholic, I am socalised to men as priests 

but I seem to understand her actually

I can do with some more godly women in my life

I wonder if ever anyone will think of me in similar terms

Anyway, tonight we had a workplace meeting

where all the people working in different teams met

they of course all knew one another, except me

but I knew some

and somehow we all hit on pretty well

it reminded me of P.’s old saying:

“I've been to enough Church groups to be comfortable”

on letting myself to be touched

I am being moved

by more than one influence today

fortunately all going towards the right direction 

or more exactly towards God

I probably needed to eliminate 

that greatest of all distractions

to make myself at least a bit 

more aware, more sensitive 

to the still, small Voice

but I also needed this community 

(in which I am still 

on the edge of my comfort zone)

these young people with all sorts of disabilities and conditions

these very broken and very loving people

and their very young, kind and mature friends-and-helpers

and I needed the floor picture prayers

and the songs

and the smiles

and P.

on dreams

Another way-too-sweet dream last night

the odd thing is only 

that the most basic circumstances stayed in their real state[s?]

(just as last time, in my 

Most Embarrassing Dream Ever)

and thus a bit of controll still remained

(to my relief, if I'm honest...)

My mind isn't very subtle these days

my most vivid dreams seem to be

pretty direct projections

of some dormant or never-admitted stuff

on wanting to whine

My no. 1 channel for complaining

has dried up recently

(with two of the four participants leaving)

and I just start to notice

how unhesitatingly

I threw all my (real and imaginary)

woes, whines, pains and complaints

in their "face" 

in the digital space

in the hope of some crumbs of compassion 

I must have been quite difficult to bear

at least from time to time

on depression, part 4

Ever the naïve one

I hoped up to yesterday

that work will fall in that absolutely must category...

but alas, no

I’ve been procrastinating it for three days now

and now I only have 1.5 ahead

for the rest of the week(end) is booked

(plus maybe the evenings 

but by every chance I’ll be exhausted by then)

Wanda the fortune-teller fish was right:

I single-handedly fought myself into this hopeless mess 

on depression, part 3

(Disclaimer: I should’ve said earlier

but at least now I do—

I was never diagnosed with depression

so my use of the word is more in the common way

than in the professional sense)

Sometimes a little impetus (momentum?) goes a long way

yesterday I had to go to the work meeting

and once I was out

it was easier to manage everything that needed moving around

(shops, getting some stuff back from N.)

the key in these cases is 

never to let the idea of

“I'll do it later” creep in

because once I’m at home

only the next non-negotiable meeting 

will blow me out

At home I could then happily resume 

laziness extreme

(but only after frying a spinach frittata

washing and hanging out two loads of laundry 

and feeding all the plants)

continued from yesterday

Next, I start postponing my tasks.

I do this in good faith initially

really believing that in half a day or one

I will just be up to them

Tasks also have the tendency to call for each other

and so I can save a lot of energy with putting them off:

if I don’t go shopping now

I can stay in my pyjamas

and so on

I also tend to cancel appointments with friends

(added bonus: no hair washing needed)

claiming tiredness and/or a foul mood

meeting them might of course have made me feel slightly better

but life here is so not about vague future possibilities 

Later it becomes evident that 

I will not feel up to anything

in half a day or one

but by that time I will have made peace with this

and just wait

playing on my laptop or phone

(So far, I have not skipped

the night teeth brushing

or any work-related appointments 

these are the boundaries at present)

on the sneaky ways of depression

I start seeing this pattern

at one point I just lose interest in everything

plans, dreams and ideas

that felt life-giving a day before

(like travelling the world

or, at an earlier time, painting the flat)

lose their appeal completely 

things to do become huge, almost insurmountable 

I do only what I absolutely must

but it’s a bit like a water bed:

if I push one side of it hard

the rest becomes even more useless

I felt this in the morning today

all my resistance concentrated

in that lying flat on my back

that I can’t get up

because from the moment that I do

I am on the conveyor belt of 

everyone else’s day

carried along 

whether I like it or not

As to the pattern

I also ate about 250 g of chocolate

(from the sweeter types)

in a mere 36 hours

and didn’t even feel guilty

Also in these days

no progress seems real 

all I try to do for myself

is a pathetic effort

to keep up appearances 

most importantly that of holding up

but every perceived improvement is just superficial

and at the bottom nothing ever changes

(at least not for the better)

After a while

crying might set in

although technically that may not be a depression symptom

(I think)

but it usually leads to despair

Today I’ve been crying

pretty much all the way from Kt. to Szeged

on day 9

On Friday 

I was struck by a bout of depression

(the I-won't-do-nothing kind)

packing my meager stuff felt like some horrible, mounting task

in the end I just stuffed it all in my bag

B. went home on the motorbike

so there were only three of us left

and we set off around 11 or so

and travelled in the worst heat

all the while with some bottlenecks poking my ribs

I wasn't quite in my best mood on arrival 

but of course the baby was cute as a button

her parents chatting incessantly :-)

I helped G. with labelling and packing in a few bottles

Zs. cooked a nice mushroom stew for dinner

I finished Cover Her Face

and slept alone in the big house

with both doors wide open

I was a little bit afraid but managed well

read a ton and enjoyed the chilly draught

musing

I wonder if I needed

to be good at anything

good enough to be able to tell people

everyone seems to be very good at something:

wine, mushrooms, motorcycles, computers and computer games, memes, animations, cooking, cars, babies

while I, quite frankly, just can't say

a meaningful word to any of these

or to ever so many other topics

The same old not-enough-ness again

maybe I should just free myself of it

and decide that devil may care

But unfortunately today (again)

won't be the day to do this

I just feel useless amd miserable 

on days 7 & 8

Yesterday 

the morning was spent making and eating tarkedli 

(I only took part in the latter, to mu shame)

N. left for home

then a bit of siesta

and the rest of us set off to visit

the two medieval churches in the neighbourhood 

(we were pretty lucky with the second one

because the guy came back to open it once again

after the official hours)

afterwards I went to bed early

I slept badly the previous night

so I was dead tired

Today

we all woke late

so we started in fairly hot weather 

towards the open-air museum

complete with goats, buffallos and strudel

Zs. & F. bought a ton of cold-pressed oils

and pàlinka

on the way back

then we walked down to Ő., the nearest restaurant 

and had dödölle

then some downtime back home

and some firegazing to end the day with

on day 6

In the morning we went for a short walk:

piglets, mushrooms, cheese, milk, beer

got back in horrible heat

had a long siesta

with reading, later board games

I got to the end of the backpacker book

and decided to start in South East Asia

which looks both 

very interesting and quite cheap

we sang in the evening

and continued the heartfelt conversation

(a.k.a. breakup)

with B.

on day 5

(Last night's post was lost

due to the crashing of the Blogger app

sorry)

Today we rode (by car) to a lake

where I haven't been before

it's a beautiful place

though I had no inclination to bathe 

I had a good lángos and coffee

made by a nice older couple

Back here we visited the piglets

they are really cute still :-)

Zs. cooked us a chicken soup in bogrács

and afterwards grilled chicken

I read quite a bit from

Hogyan menjünk világgá

an amazingly inspiring book indeed

we gazed at the fire for quite a while

and had a heartfelt conversation with B.

at long last

on day 3

So it has been a pretty deficient day this far

heavy rain all night and lighter all day

a lot of "dead time" before leaving

then some waiting in the rain for the

planned cellar to open

some tasting 

because you can't not

after the second cup I just started crying

and feel like that ever since

I am inadequate 

don't know a thing about wine and 

am not even interested

I am not interested in anything, really

and definitely not good at anything

how did I even get here

a stranger in my own life

***

something has gone awry in my nervous system

and I can't see how to reverse it

I had way too high an expectation

with thinking that I may have a whole week in which to feel good

when I so obviously am not ready for it

and don't deserve it either

UPDATE:

This. Is. It.

on day 2

Tipsy was the word I was looking for yesterday

(although according to the others I was pretty drunk)

I certainly slept till half past ten today

Today the weather was quite cloudy

with mild rains and one heavier

I posted the most important card

we had lunch on the shore

smelled the roses in the rose garden

had a nice coffee

laughed out loud a few times

made quite a show of being 

"more F. than F."

dipped in the pool of the apartment

while sipping spritzer

on day 1

(slightly drunk

-- and how odd that I know no synonim

for that in English 

while I'd have quite a few in Hungarian)

The journey was fine

only a bit of a jam on M0

a nice chat in the car

o.k. weather

The apartment is lovely

the lake is cold for my liking

the lángos was expensive

and I still can't eat a whole

the view from the garden is amazing

and there are bats

The proprietor is a very interesting man

he spent three years in South Korea

and is full of stories of every kind

(the place is Rf., the northern bank of Balaton)

on the way

In a few minutes 

we are off for an 11-day holiday

pretty cool, considering my financial state

I'm looking forward to Balaton

even without being much of a bathing type

it never fails to move me

(I once heard that the most memorable holidays

are the ones where awe is felt)

The same with open fire

And of course I am looking forward

to the greens of Őrség

And meeting my future goddaughter

for the first time

babies inspire awe in me, too

And hopefully there will be

some meaningful conversations

and lighthearted games

and nice wines

and that best kind of tiredness

after a long walk

Meanwhile, I also have

my reservations and fears 

naturally

sulking

Party time again

and on my part, missed again

With the last two evenings 

spent playing

with P. and M.

at the other end of the city

(and great evenings they were, 

I'm so glad they invited me over

after about three years of barely meeting)

I was't very keen on one more night out anyway

but then it turned out to be a game 

I heartily dislike

(as everyone knows)

so it was pretty much decided

still

I guess, in my heart of hearts 

I hoped for just a single line from anybody

asking whether I will join them

*sigh*

on maturing

Yesterday I talked to Zs. over the phone

my old friend

now separated from her (abusive) husband

with their three kids

she's been in this tough journey for about two and a half years now

and she really is finding herself

and God

(and herself in Him)

finally

She bore witness really powerfully to me

I can only wish that it bears fruit in me, too

on the long run

S. K. called today

I told her that I am a lot better

at least on a superficial level

when I despair, it isn't much better than earlier

but maybe I despair a bit less often

she was happy to hear these

and in fact so was I to report

on the sunny Széchenyi square 

in the middle of some productivity spree

but ultimately I still feel like 

an utter failure 

one that has lost her one and only chance

and I start feeling also

that on the long run I will either

somehow get liberated from this notion or

have to kill myself

because spending decades like this

is just not worth it

Oh, and one more strange dream

come to think of it:

I was about to get stoned to death

but somehow got off 

scrambled into some nearby house 

and promptly told the people there

to shoot me

for that is much preferable 

to being stoned 

but they didn't 

on the balcony garden

Yesterday* I finally bought the plants

and set up the vertical part of

the balcony garden

not quite according to plan

since the original idea was 

COLOUR

which then manifested mostly in greens

(though lots of different ones certainly)

somehow I got caught up in herbs

(and still have no cilantro!)

I wonder how long it will last

because this felt-like material can't hold any water

so it'll need lots of watering

while it's this hot

I also took the time and effort

to reply to my prison pen pal

on the new (and slightly frustrating)

hanging table

it was a very warm but bearable evening

in a bikini top

(friends on chat told me previously that

the balcony counts rather

to my flat than to the street)

and there was a mild wind

just enough to keep mosquitos at a bay

(10/07 -- any idea how to prevent re-dating after correction in the text?)

on a day of uselessness

All I've done today

was a bit of balcony gardening

giving away the older orchid

and chatting about vaginal ultrasounds

no work, no volunteering

no reading, no walking

no creating

I joined a body awareness exercise, too

lead via Zoom

organised by the British Jesuits

I didn't get to the end of it

but at least I came to realise

once again

that I am miles removed from my body

weeks go by without me noticing its more subtle signals

I am missing out on my innate wisdom

(or maybe I lack innate wisdom?)

on the joys of yesterday

Still no success with the web-based Blogger

too bad

Anyway, yesterday I've got the first letter from prison

I was just about to let go of the whole thing

since more than a month has elapsed

since I wrote first

but alas, a reply came

with lots of questions

and some bitterness over being "transferred"

from one penpal to another

written by a curiously well-trained hand

(if only I knew anything about graphology!)

Also yesterday

I helped an unknown girl

piercing three tins

to turn them into ashtrays for her neighbourhood 

we met over the internet

she wished to borrow nails for the purpose

and I offered her some

(though eventually we did it with my

world-class S-hook collection

my 2 nails being too small for her hooks)

it was a nice ten minutes

we laughed a bit together

and she even sent me a few pictures of the result

At night there was CLC

at the newly renovated room

which has hard floor now, not the soft carpet

and looks pristine but very sterile, too

but more important is

that six of us managed to gather

including K. from Germany

via video call

and that is one great remnant of the

pandemic creativity 

on changing moods

By the time I got home

from signing some more papers in Mh.

(and skipping the bath 

because there came a huge rain 

right when the bus rolled in

and the temperature dropped beneath bath levels)

I lost all my energy once again

I feel the shame again

over my messed up life

my procrastination 

my laziness

my not-enough-ness

why

for how long still

why

----

I don't know why I didn't put it here at first

but I know what hit me

the news that

a good friend started working at the child protection service

sent me whirling back to a time

when I thought life made sense

and I will eventually find purpose 

in motherhood

through adoption

on having a grown-up job

On Wednesday I signed my contract

with G. from the Reformed university chaplaincy 

(not it that capacity though)

for setting up a webshop for fairly traded stuff

and some marketing

I was given a very handy list of tasks

and a free hand beyond that

it's almost exciting 

certainly a nice feeling

to have a job that's a cause as well

and one with some trust and responsibility involved

It also raises the question of remote work

when, where, how

so as I don't get totally sidetracked

And also allows me to turn that idea into reality

Meanwhile 

the relationship with B. is still on

with all its joys

but I still can't see myself as half of a couple

and that's pretty troubling

on dreams

(Still no success browserwise

and here I can't type properly shaped apostrophes)

Around dawn yesterday 

I had my most embarrassing dream I can remember of

I really do hope they don't have much to do with reality

or at least only on some very subtle level

and certainly not literally

At night yesterday

I felt a sudden urge to daydream

about this newly found idea of mine

though it already became

somewhat less appealing 

as I found a few more obstacles

I didn't "give in" to this urge

if only I knew now why

but the feeling in itself may be a good sign

a bit of hope

on a sense of purpose

(From 23 June, I just corrected some typos and it redated itself :-( )

Strangely enough

I feel more purpose to my life here

right after two days of 0 productivity*

than I have in a long time

most likely it's because of the kids

they are at a pretty happy place now

cooperative, kind, self-sufficient

and so it is really apparent how well worth were all the efforts, energy, time, patience

that their parents have invested in them

they really are delightful most of the time

and of course it sets me off

to spend more time with them

Also, today I drove to the grocery shop woth Md.

all the way to Ő. (and back :-))

without any trouble

it was a stretch to my comfort zone

though I well know 

that there probably aren't many easier places in the country

in terms of driving

*Though I did a bit of volunteering for CLC (translation)

on the heat

I was quite content with the less-than-summery temperatures so far

knowing full well that I'll have enough time to get fed up with it, whenever it starts

and alas, it took about two days :-)

But so far ot was only hours at the worst places:

the forest was fine, just like the cars and the house

but then I arrived home

and it's close to unbearable

and even closer to that with the mess at my room

so after cooking a bag of (pre-made) gnocchi

and attending a good one-third of a mass

I just listened to a BBC crime drama

and played 2048

Oh yes, and put away the clean clothes

which came with scratchy reminders

from last week's cacti-repotting :-(

Update at 3:20 am:

Trouble is, I find this over and over again

it only takes about half an hour

from getting home in a more or less normal state of mental energy

to losing my interest more or less completely

Add to this that I've been up 

wide awake

around 3 am

for the last week or so

and have a recurring mouth ulcer for at least a week again

and you'll get a pretty worried me

again

on another hike

Today we gathered in Psztk.

with those who did or plan to 

lead pilgrimages

through P. P.

it was a lovely bunch of people

with lots of kids

I spent much of the walk 

to Cs. and back

on my own

somehow I found balance 

(or it found me)

between the noise of the others

and the peace of the forest

and thought about a few things

without much of the worry of losing myself in destructive spirals

Nature makes me happy

beyond my previous concept of it

I want to find ways to incorporate more of it

into my life

an idea is taking shape in my mind

but there are lots of variables

I'll see

on the rest of the holiday

We're back in P.

after a visit to the Hirschberg zoo

a climb to the mountain Kulm

a lovely dinner at Café Corso in Sz.

some more translation

another nice dinner at Bognár's in Ő.

a long ride

a short climb to the castle ruins in B.

and probably quite a lot more

that I forget now

Blogger didn't let me write from browser

(mobile or desktop)

now the app seems to work

we'll see

on vacation

Aaand here we are in Sz.

where even the air feels different

(not so very different this time though

since Szeged was at least this damp)

where blood pressure and pulse drops

and where whatever you can do today

you can also do tomorrow

The travel was delightfully eventless (?)

meaning the kids didn't complain, bicker, nag or try to kill each other

an amazing feat, especially with the three of them sitting in one row

we listened to Tüskevár

Here we met Dad

as well as some people living in the neighborhood

met some uber-cute piglets

and had dinner at the restaurant in walking distance

I also read a bit from The Red Box

courtesy to the relentlessly decluttering next door lady

whose books I pinch quite often :-)

on busyness

I was more productive today than any time recently

tomorrow we’ll be off to Sz.

with my brother and the three smaller kids

and so I had to get to the end of quite a lot of tasks

We also had two pretty honest conversations with B.

and watched two films together 

(Fountain and Close Encounters of the Third Kind)

there was the online film club tonight

I finished reading Berzsián aloud

and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for myself

as well as Station Eleven a few days earlier

I took the oversized duvet to the laundromat

and did some website testing for H.

I’ll have to take the laptop to Sz.

because I forgot/procrastinated the translation for CLC

And I didn’t go to church (last Sunday or this one)

which feels a bit weird

I can't remember the last time

I felt quite this dizzy

(what on earth led me to have

4 cl Unicum AND 2×3 dl wine, really?!)

but at least I made the leap

out of I-want-to-pity-myself-alone

and through anybody-else-may-hurt-me

on clapping

I am probably the last one to clap for the carers

(and they weren't so horribly strained here anyway)

but I feel obliged to go on

because of the lovely old lady in the house across the street

who joins me every night

and we smile at each other and wave as if we knew each other

and I hate the thoughts of both 

not seeing her any more and 

disappointing her

a complicated case to solve, it seems

Today I felt pretty bad at first

to the point of considering coming home from work at 10

but it got better and I stayed

it's still far from normal though

different discomforts, stomach mainly

low blood pressure

it'll pass by tomorrow 

(well-known period starting maladies)

on (not) running

This morning

while rushing to the trolleybus in the rain

and without any concious thinking

the right word struck me

as to why I am unable to go jogging these days:

I used to feel invincible while running

and about the opposite way (would it be "conquered"?)

for the last year or so

Other than this, the sad truth is that I feel

growing unease ever since I got off the coach on Mars tér last night

no doubt it's mostly because of my procrastinated duties

and the ever rising amount of stuff in my room

I also didn't sleep 6 hours last night

meaning that I got everything wrong at work today

but after work I bought vegetables

got the paper bags from J.

made bacon & eggs for dinner

did the most pressing proofreading task

gave rainwater to the orchids

and read Station Eleven for more than an hour

instead of the usual mindless scrolling

a pretty productive day, I have to say

on some happy days

I am in Szfvár 

with my dear old friend, Zs.

(one of my oldest ongoing friendships, in fact

since about 1994 or 5)

a separated mother of 3

a faithful Calvinist

and an amazing person

We let our hair down

as you would with anyone of the above description:

sat on the giant wheel

had ice cream

walked a lot

talked even more

sat in a church for an accidental organ concert

ate raclette for dinner

ran to Tesco at 9.50pm

for another box of ice cream

and drank half a bottle of wine 

(! -- probably a first)

Today we had a fancy coffee

ran to see the clockworks

(missed the first half but the second was nice enough)

Zs.'s parents came for a quick visit

which called for the immediate removal of the wine glasses from sight

I probably managed to shock her father

with the fact that I paint electrodes these days

(intentionally -- they hold impossible standards for Zs.,

I meant him to gain a glimpse into reality)

I also met her cute little niece for the first time

later we went to see the Bory castle

which reminded me of the first one in Sintra

(hillside, garden and all)

but it was cut short by the rain

at home we talked a bit more

and I imported her emails from one address to another

the new one being on her maiden name

set up on the spot, as a small step towards rebuilding herself

(strange how I like to solve these tiny IT tasks

and enjoy tutoring people in them)

I also gave her some (sought) advice

on what to do with the china

that her husband gave her throughout the years

and she was very happy with the idea of

"out of sight, out of mind"

on changes

My energy levels are rising if ever so slowly

I still procrastinate whatever I can, as long as I can

but a few things caught my attention recently

and I wrote a couple of e-mails

I even offered to go on a walk with Sz.

whom I did find pretty tiresome quite a few times

I wonder how much it has to do with the increased dose of med #3

and if it has to do with it then how will I ever be rid of it

(not that it were so expensive or had side effects

but still, it feels a bit of a burden)

on a dream come true

Á. always resisted the idea of city centre composting

however, that ceased to be a concern of mine

and the couple on the ground floor are enthusiastic gardeners

so today I bought and set up(!) this beauty

(many thanks to F. for the transport)

Other than this, I procrastinated quite a bit today

(what a surprise, I know!)

started eating my lunch with the fish almost raw 

finished the infectious disease book

read aloud half of the last chapter of Berzsián

and had a nice phone chat with B.a from group therapy

(although none of these was what I had in mind when I sat down writing

but then I can’t remember what that could have been)

on today

My anger has vanished meanwhile

following some honest e-mails/chats

it’s good, I really shouldn’t mess up my friendships

they are the highest value I still have in my life

(B. certainly counting here, too)

I definitely feel a bit better

we’ll see how long it lasts

We celebrated A.’s birthday today

a bunch of of old friends

mostly married couples

happy to leave their kids behind for a few hours

in many aspects totally different worlds

and yet in many aspects very similar people

I did have a fleeting sense of 

“everybody’s life is going somewhere, except for mine”

but managed to turn my attentions somewhere else

before panic stroke

I also had a short conversation with P.

who tried to refrain from giving advice

and when I gave him permission, said something like

“don’t be afraid of your current sadness

or the fact that you walk a lot slower

just tell yourself that you need this now

your soul needs to catch up with your body

and don’t think about how you aren’t motivated

when you will feel the need to take steps

then you can make plans, etc.”

Nothing groundbreaking

but it still was reassuring

Counting to the day’s victories

I finally wrote and mailed the two 

way overdue

introductory letters 

to “my” convicts

fingers crossed that they take to the idea of a new penpal

But at least I am not the only one procrastinating: 

L. wrote that he potted the saplings yesterday

after planning to do it in the days after finding them in the post :-)

on the observer’s paradoxon

The problem with the blog as a genre

is that I can’t freely write about anybody who is likely to read it

the wider the audience, the tighter the space

this was one of the reasons why I kept really quiet 

about restarting writing last year

but alas, even this way it could have been used against me

on wading in water

When I must go somewhere

walking feels like wading in ankle-deep water

being slower probably doesn’t show 

since normally I walk pretty fast

but feeling the resistance in my body so clearly is just weird

Today I had a coffee with A. and the baby

and later we walked around in Alsóváros

by the end the flood disappeared from around my feet

for a while

on missed chances

As it transpired

the pub night lasted till 6am today

with some surprisingly deep conversations

to my eternal envy

but then again, there is probably a reason

why these usually happen without me

I’ve been aware of my party-pooper tendencies for a while now

Á. wrote to me today

asking me how much I’d be affected if he discontinued his monthly alms

and actually offering to remove his remaining stuff from the cellar

I thanked him for the money so far and assured him that I’ll manage

while also stating that I wouldn’t like to meet him

however ashamed I feel for this

I am a basket case

beyond repair

on a missed pub night

I didn’t feel like going to Jazz tonight

the odd thing is that it certainly would have cheered me up

but I don’t want to be cheered up either

What’s the point?

There wasn’t enough work for the 4 of us today

so I came home at 3

thinking that I may get things done

and sure enough, I did a load of laundry

and a curry in the crockpot

but with those, I was done

and since then, it’s just numbing myself

with BBC dramas

and Plants Vs Zombies

on faith

It feels as though I were losing my faith

scary

I wouldn’t go for another existential crisis if I could help it

around February the question was

“what have we to do with each other,

You and me?”

back then I knew we had something

 while now it is more

“do we have anything to do with each other,

You and me...?”

I should think more about these but 

not while trying to type on the phone

on numbness setting in

A strange phenomenon:

I came home from work more or less o.k.

made bacon and eggs

then sat down with the laptop

and just felt laziness or even apathy descending over me

that familiar feeling of why bother

Other than this, S. K. called today

I was waiting for it for some time

told her about the latest relapse

she had some ideas on making bedtime more attractive

as well as using meditation or relaxation practices

and we agreed to increase med #3

The psychologist guy from the group 

replied to my last email, too

today, about when I lost hope in anyone being interested in me

(I’ve sent it Monday night, I think)

he was kind

on small victories

I was able to fasten the blackout shade

though not perfectly horizontally

but it works like magic

I’ll have to buy another one for the other room, too

(with uncharacteristic caution, I only purchased one piece today)

I also had a lovely bath

and watched half of The Grand Budapest Hotel

dramedy might just be my genre these days

and read aloud the next chapter from Berzsián és Dideki 

to B.

on silence and on home improvement

How long can one live without silence
I wonder
it seems that I can survive about two minutes of silence
before it all comes rushing back to me
rejection
shame
guilt
sadness
hopelessness

and so I rather keep listening to stuff
endlessly
as if my life depends on it
(and sometimes it does seem like it does)

B. tinkered with the balcony table yesterday evening
had a brilliant idea on how to make it stand lower
in the end, however, he didn’t manage to make it work either

Today I bought a blackout shade (blind? the rolling type thingy)
for (the glass pane on) my door
I wonder if I’ll be able to set it up

on a slightly more productive day

Today I didn’t leave the flat

(apart from lying a good deal in the hammock)

but

I did some proof-reading for H.

washed my hair

scrubbed the kitchen sink

washed a load

and cooked a <rakott krumpli>

Meanwhile, 

I played hours of Plants Vs Zombies

and listened to some truly stunning BBC radio dramas

like this and this

on flying in spin

(and not "in corkscrew motion" as I’d have written without Google :-))

Anyway, things are going from bad to worse, it seems

I went to visit my brother’s people today

and that was great

the kids taking turns to sit on my lap

then we went to OBI

I bought the balcony table I’d been toying around with in my head

for the last three years or so

(the final impetus being Mum’s message for my name-day

telling me to buy something for myself

"that's useful or that you desire but is a luxury")

then at home I found that two holes are drilled in the wrong place

making it impossible to set the table up

ten minutes later I gave it another go

and managed

already quite frustrated but still

then I tried to fasten it on the rail and it took a long time

and some more frustration

upon noticing that it's way higher than should be

I started over

then rain came and I abandoned the whole thing

then I went to adoration at the Jesuit church

(I decided to immerse myself in prayer (opportunities)

and volunteered for an hour each day from next Tuesday till Saturday

plus half an hour today)

I said the vesper

and cried over my shame and feeling of rejection

it was a nice pity-party

quite desperate

I wonder how I'll hold on for an hour...

Meanwhile, the therapy group’s first post-war meeting

is proposed to take place on 7th June

which seems an awful long way off

and I have my doubts as to it happening even then

And still no shower, or changing the bedlinen

though I did water the cacti at the staircase

thinking that they really don’t deserve to die

from me feeling crap

on bitchiness & second chances

I am becoming increasingly bitchy

still not doing anything I am not immediately accountable for

(having a shower, changing the bed, writing the e-mails)

and feeling miserable

even while enjoying myself immensely by any normal standard

I also realised today (not sure if for the first time)

that while I would be happy to offer 

a second chance to 

any remorseful serial killer

(a totally theoretical supposition, of course, and may it stay so)

somewhere deep I am fully convinced

that my only chance for a reasonably happy life

was my marriage

on powerlessness

Why is everything

or pretty much everything

that’s not been forced on me from the outside

so damn difficult to do?

Washing my hair,

tidying up the room,

even putting on clothes instead of my pyjamas

all seem almost impossible

and a pointless struggle, anyway

Sooo tiresome

on this and that

Last night we had a bit of an emergency conference call

C. really is fed up with her good-for-nothing husband this time

but she’s dead scared for their little son

and I have no idea how to help them

Today was work 

with this and this great BBC podcast series;

then grocery shopping and cooking adventurously

after a look into the fridge, I typed "brown rice and goat cheese" into Google

thinking of some salad

but ended up with this instead

of course I payed no attention to the amounts

and didn’t want to fuss with the food processor

so it turned out rather crumbly

but still pretty nice, especially after cooling down

At night I watched a romcom named Book Club

and now I really should be sleeping

on creativity

(I am very nearly asleep but still don’t dare try it... bad, really)

Today I found myself wondering about what to cook

while the fridge is full of cooked meals and 

I have a lunch engagement for Thursday with J.

somehow it almost felt sad to realise that I should not cook just now

(I guess there is a part of procrastination in it, too)

then I read Paul Auster’s musings on 

how literary characters tend to start their own lives and adventures 

quite apart from their author

I’ve read about this from other writers, too

anyway, tonight I thought that must feel awesome 

and how I wish I could make up stories

(but I can’t)

Then I thought I really needed some creative outlet

I see the concept again and again

yet can’t seem to have a clue on what to do

Could cooking really be my thing for now?

on another pub night

It was B.'s birthday yesterday

the six of us (kidless, living in a ten minute radius area) went to Jazz

there were lovely colourful light strings hung up in the garden

also quite a few people enjoying themselves

we had the crockpot apple pie (slightly raw but nice anyway), and some nice, garlicky-nutty thingy by N.

drank quite a bit

played Piszkos Fred

thankfully my present arrived a few days before, too

it was a pleasant evening for sure

Meanwhile, Cs. wrote to tell that she has chest pains and is heading to the <ügyelet>

Later she wrote that blood pressure and EKG were all right, she's walking home

Then at home I found her yelling into her phone

later she came out to apologize

I said it's o.k. 

which sure is true from my side

though I couldn't vouch safe [?] for the neighbour lady

on meeting at the pub

The war is over, it seems

and like Švejk, we met at the pub

(outside, naturally)

and I totally wasn’t up to the task 

of appearing as part of a couple

esp. in front of the still unsuspecting Zs.

which was disconcerting

as well as unfair towards B.

and I was rude to F.

earlier I left church at the end of communion

and the Rajma turned out horribly acidy

I ate lots of carbs and played for hours

and I haven’t even done half of what I wanted today

restless the whole day long

BUT, in all fairness

some nice stuff didn’t find its way here yet

ceremonious tea drinking

and some deep conversation yesterday

an amazing pink-blue sunset today

my first crockpot apple cake

(that will or will not leave the pot in one piece

but smells delicious nevertheless)

and N. advised to use baking soda on the rajma

on the amazingness of plants

These are cuttings (previously made to grow roots) of my photos plant

that I mailed to L. (in B.) on 18 March

(after he wrote to me telling that unfortunately he hadn’t bought houseplants 

as long as he could have

and then the country shut down from one day to another)

The post office lady looked very suspiciously at the envelope

(I actually blew air into the bag to prevent the cuttings from crushing

an idea I am quite proud of)

asked what’s inside 

I only admitted “plant seeds”

(there was a bag of balcony tomato seeds in it, too

so it really was part-true)

than told me “I’ll take it in but whether or not it will arrive...”

(to which I thought cca. 1500 Ft seems rather a lot to risk)

A week or so later I learned that L. moved back to A.

and with that, I pretty much let go of the plan(ts)

That is, until today I’ve got the above picture and these:

:-)

on falling apart

I still couldn’t make up my mind entirely

or I could but wasn’t determined enough to act on it

breaking up via messaging suddenly feels
“jerkiness understandable”

my room is like a post-apocalyptic landscape

(maybe a bit dustier—

depends on the type of the apocalypse

I guess)

I can’t find connection with God

I keep procrastinating

- work (translation)

- writing some long, important and difficult emails

- reading (!) for the children’s book award

- tidying and cleaning, and pretty much 

- all else, too

starting with getting up in the morning

And I keep having flashbacks

from bad memories throughout my marriage

mistakes I made

stabs I received

on being miserable, again

Today I very nearly broke up with B.
in the end we left it open for the time being
but this happened to be the night on which
he went to a pub with Zs. and F.
and told them about the whole thing
and they were positively happy and excited
(Zs. especially)
which would have been a really nice feeling
should I be any more confident
(it sure was with N.'s enthusiasm somewhere right around the beginning)
but now that I am not
it just makes me feel a bit like a jerk
for maybe wishing to end something quite this beautiful

on a strange dream

I started dreaming more vividly recently again
last night I flew to Switzerland
somehow figured out how to get on the plane without a ticket
and managed it both ways though others have been caught
I was quite proud, actually

the strange thing was that I turned back after just an hour or so
only saw the main square of Zürich (?)
which was quite nice, nevertheless
I ran into Sz., and we came home together

the airports (there and here, too) were very close to the city
and maybe the airplane itself was different, too
like one row of seats (five, six or even more)
and corridor only on one side
I remember talking to the crew
on the point of confessing
only to realise it's not me who's been accused of being a stowaway

---
I also realised recently that Viktor Krum (from Harry Potter)
took the shape of S. in my mind :-)

on recent days

I’ve been out "electroding" four days this week
the cycling part is pretty hard, to my shame
(and to that of those unable to make a proper bike way all way long)
I am tired despite two nights of normal sleep

Harry Potter was keeping me company
and a real good company, too

Meanwhile, things with B. are going pretty good
[I just learned it's supposed to be "good" and not "well"
if I remember well
or is it if I remember good?!]

We’ve had CLC on Zoom tonight
and there’s another chat going on right now
but I’ll set off for a short walk instead
and call back P.

(...)

P. recommended The Choice to me
and asked about my nowhere-going translation project
to which I should really make time next week

And then later, out of nowhere
it just occured to me once again
that no matter how much good happened to me throughout the last year
if I think that I could be living reasonably happy with Á. and a now three years old boy
it just can’t compare
and quite possibly never will

Mother Nature must have had her reasons
not to make a mother of me
but I still find it difficult to forgive her

on sleep(lessness) & dinner(lessness)

Last night I was up from 2am till about 5

after which the morning was quite bad

but I don't seem to fare much better tonight, either

except that now I didn't wake up

but been awake

I think I also forgot to eat since lunch

(apart from some sweets)

pretty bad

I also got frustrated today

by the last editorial job

that came back once again with lots of comments

made on an entirely different Word

and thus impossible for me to comply with

On the bright side
the Hague museum people

were happy to recieve my note

I've read another chapter from Deadliest Enemies
arranged a blood donation session for Thursday with N.

submitted a hundred or so utterances to Appen

talked to dr. S. K. (decided to eat the amount of medication we've originally agreed upon

in the hope that it may help sleeping)

and to K. (very unhappy :-( )

and to Á. (called me, a very nice surprise)
had a dead strong dalgona coffee
while chatting to A. & A. on Zoom
(even got to see Tiny M., and
none of the kids badgered their mums, amazingly!)

cooked a chilli (though inedibly salty...)

bought asparagus

lent some books to N.

met B.

announced the fairytale-readaloud sessions (wednesdays and sundays they shall be)

and figured out in minutes what makes these sounds:

kkrhhOÁÁGLáGLáGLáGLáGLgsssssssssssssssssssssszliiip

on self-knowledge

I started (again) the course called
The Science of Well-being
on Coursera (or did I tell about that earlier?)
and one of the first tasks is
to find out one's character strengths
through a test

I wasn't much impressed with the result
I must admit
I mean, seriously, what's "love"
in terms of character strength
and I really am not a typical "kind" person, either...

However, there was a list of suggestions
on how to use them in everyday life
(the assumption being that using them
contributes to happiness)
and some of those really struck a chord with me
like "give blood" or "express your appreciation"
so there may just be something in the test after all

Last night on CLC we had picture-meditation
with this painting
IT wasn't working properly
but we had a good conversation
and afterwards I wrote
a thank you note to the museum
and that definitely was the time
when I felt at my best yesterday.

...

...and then couldn't sleep
at least for an hour more
and woke at 7:05.
Not good. :-(

on today

After that eventful night
I didn't even try to show up at the video-breakfast at 8
but slept till 10
and then somehow morning was over
I got some medication to M. (the son of A.)
delivered it by bike
went to the supermarket and the greengrocery on the way back
(forgot the eggs :-(
but got some amazing liver patè half-price :-))
realised I love the afternoon sun at the kitchen
and with that, cleaned and put away (!)
the balcony grill
as well as scrubbed the sink
with Harry Potter and Sirius Black
then read some press
listened to Stephen King reading from his latest book
watched a couple of
Late Night Shows bt Stephen Colbert
washed my hair (a small victory in itself!)
and clapped with an oldish lady across the street

It's been pretty nice.

on sleeping badly

Well, I've had better nights
being up the second time in about 2.5 hours
I've just had a bit of corn flakes
because now I woke up feeling hungry
and I didn't brush my teeth anyway
(the electric toothbrush is so damn loud
I will have to put it on my evening schedule
along with letting the blinds down)

And now I read K.'s account
of their failing marriage
on a common chat thread

And wind is howling outside
I wonder when will it open the bathroom window
I'll have to fasten the screws tomorrow

We've been cycling today
out on the dam up to the M43 bridge
the last night hike came back all together
a bittersweet memory

We turned back because it looked like
there was rain coming
but by the time we got back to the city
it was mostly gone
so we sat a bit (?) on the warm concrete [mellved]
I felt fabulously safe with B.
(and in the end I still managed to get caught by the rain
in the last few hundred meters)

But now I should really be tired enough to sleep
so why can't I?

on the rising levels of frustration

It's probably in part PMS
but by this morning I really got fed up
with Zs. constantly complaining about his life
that's just way too full of everything
and never safistifes him
I've had the notion for a long time
that he doesn't cultivate my friendship
beyond near-constant chatting
(I mean stuff like he almost never wanted to meet me in person)
because he's only interested in possible girlfriends
now I am pretty sure it's because of the permanent overwhelm in which he's existing
(and not pure selfishness)
but still, somehow I am unable to feel empathy
towards someone with a pretty stable living and on his way to achieving his life's purpose
while complaining endlessly about everything
to me who have nothing of the above.

(This was not a post written from Christian charity.)

----
I remember now what caused
the underlying nervousness in my day:
it was P. telling me during our morning coffee session
that he's "shocked" by something
from last night's men-circle gathering.
Of course he couldn't say more
and of course I can't help wondering
terrified
what it might be

on these days

Anxiety took hold of me more than once
during the last days
I couldn't really put my finger on it (yet?)
but I am rather restless
craving stimuli to divert my mind
and responding to Á's name
worse than usually
(while also thinking of him
more than before)

I didn't join Sunday's videochat
for fear of there inevitably being some
to whom I should explain my situation
and that does not become any easier with time

I quite hate myself for these
though I know that only worsens everything

But at least this morning
I finally applied to volunteer
and was called back in hours
(though it's all under organisation still
and won't start happening till next week)

and remembered to go and give blood
one day in the near future

hello, darkness, my old friend

Today I was pretty happy
(listened to Defoe's account of the last London plague
watched a rather beautiful film called Werk ohne Autor
and even talked to Sr. A. at long last)
but at one point I slipped back
into the "I really am not good for any work" mood
and complaining just doesn't help
however nice the following, more or less obligatory compliments may feel

on life in lockdown

In the past week
I haven't met anyone (apart from B. and Cs.)
for longer than half an hour
(and that means three to ten minutes
in all cases but one)
and yet I am being challenged
though I do think of myself as quite conscientious

Vurch became a bit easier
with Cs. next to me
we watched the Good Friday and Holy Saturday services together
and even had a bit of a feast afterwards

I got badly sunburned
in just two mornings on the balcony
I really should have stopped
after the first day's piglet-pink state

I had a little bit of a correspondence
with M. in Turin
and Ch. in Bergamo
and S. in Saint Petersburg
and I really should write to A. in London
but that must include the divorce
and I still don't feel comfortable about that
though I should probably not let that deter me
but it does
...

Yeah, not even the place of radical acceptance
can heal everything

on shame, again

So the energy I gain day by day is pretty amazing
but it doesn’t solve my life’s problems
not by a long shot

The shame is still there, even if I think of it a lot less
but since the facts will not change
I really have no idea what (if anything) will make it go away.

Other than this, life’s going on
yesterday I ventured out on a whole exploration:
post office, whole-food shop, lunch from Zs.
I also started cycling again
and so far I haven’t gone mad yet
I sowed on the balcony (salads and flowers so far)
attended numerous video conference calls
started translating this as volunteer work
cooked a whole lot of curry on Monday
read a bunch of last year’s children’s books
played badminton and frisbee on Mátyás tér
had lunch one day in the garden with my brother’s family
started listening to Harry Potter read by Stephen Fry
walked 12-ish kms in Újszeged with N.
(complete with a picnic lunch and a little bit of urb-exing)
made hummus from scratch

and haven’t done anything in terms of tidying up the room
which is really bad
because if I don't do it for Easter
then I don't know when I will (or if ever)

on the igloo

Must we find a solution?

Can’t we just enjoy the problem for a while?

(graffiti) 

Right, I’m fessing up (where else):
to the most unexpected
and most joyful
thing that’s been going on in my life.

I have a boyfriend. Or something very similar to that.
For the time being. :-)

Let me explain. But where to start?

It may have started at Jazz. Or on the motorbike.
I may have started it with voicing my concern
about not feeling like a woman any longer
though I absolutely honestly
never expected
or even anticipated
anything like this as an answer
I just wished to have a bit of fun
so with that in mind it may as well have started
with B. taking me somewhat more serious than I meant to be
(and always making the corresponding counter-move).

Now in one aspect I am going exactly across my principles:
I never started anything
where there was zero chance for it to turn into marriage
(apart from V. Sz. but that was the folly of my youth :-))
and yet that’s the case now.
However, I can even explain this away:
we’ve been totally transparent from the first moment
and agreed on the frames to the last point.

These may make it a bit clearer (or not):

And so this space (“the igloo”) was born.

A place of 

radical acceptance,

safety

and healing.

And gratefulness, abundant gratefulness.

on the way back to myself

Surprisingly (or maybe not)
the way back to myself
leads through the radical acceptance
of my brokenness
and of my being as it is
mind, body and soul.

And it happens to come
from highly unlikely quarters.
The spring of our confinement
may in the end just become
the spring of our liberation.