S. K. called today
I told her that I am a lot better
at least on a superficial level
when I despair, it isn't much better than earlier
but maybe I despair a bit less often
she was happy to hear these
and in fact so was I to report
on the sunny Széchenyi square
in the middle of some productivity spree
but ultimately I still feel like
an utter failure
one that has lost her one and only chance
and I start feeling also
that on the long run I will either
somehow get liberated from this notion or
have to kill myself
because spending decades like this
is just not worth it
Oh, and one more strange dream
come to think of it:
I was about to get stoned to death
but somehow got off
scrambled into some nearby house
and promptly told the people there
to shoot me
for that is much preferable
to being stoned
but they didn't
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