on this and that

Lots of nice things happened lately 

I went through the guardianship office (?) phase yesterday

meaning that once I manage to decide, my way to adoption is open

After that, I sat down in the sun on Szent István Square

and at one point, R. appeared

whom I haven't seen for a long time

(maybe since last summer?!)

and we talked for an hour

I sent out a message to a girl last week

a second cousin of Á.

inquiring about the old relations in Transylvania

and she responded so very kindly

it was a joy to read

(besides, everyone is o.k.)

Today we had hamburger for lunch with B.

and sat on the swing bench afterwards

and watched a broadly smiling cocoa farmer in Ghana

telling us about fair trade

on the move

I came home to visit my parents

it's just as easy as it was at Christmas

I'm so glad

Today I drove to Pv.

to visit J. and see their long-built house

it was a great time

conversing about everything

and seeing her at home, with her husband and daughter 

My praying mood is pretty much gone

that's not such a happy thing

and driving was quite stressful

but in general, things are o.k.

Apart from sleep, I guess 

(3:50)

on things on the move

If you've been here for a few months

you won't be surprised

that my silence is a good sign again

I feel generally pretty good:

the name-change, 

the adoption-eligibility process,

the therapy, 

the talk with P. and lately with G.

all moved this and that

and while I still feel a bit unfaithful

to my ideals and "all I hold sacred"

I can sometimes shake it off 

with some vague feeling of 

"heck, I did what I could"

The days are longer, too

and brighter, and warmer

on an accidental(ly witnessed) sunrise

Some more sights like this

and I might even become a morning person

on the good priest

(I mean the proverbial one that learns till death)

Years ago I've got a psychological assessment

that stated (among a lot of other stuff)

that I am an extrovert without any hint of introversion whatsoever

this sounded very strange, given my general love for solitary employments

and occasional aversion towards new and/big groups of people

however, the pandemic is teaching me about myself

namely that can I lack people horribly

days are passing without any meaningful communication

(let alone skin contact...)

and I start feeling that this is what depresses me most

today, before I walked out to the fair,

I thought about asking N. to join me

but she's been working crazy-busy these last weeks

and most people need longer notice anyway

and my ideas get rejected usually anyway

so I couldn't make myself call her

and thus made certain that I won't have company...

It happens all too often

I long for connection but don't do the least for it

Here's to all those who still call me

thank you

on lacking vitality

I so don’t feel like doing anything

despite the wonderfully bright day outside

and the stuff to do inside

it took me a few hours to get out of bed

but back then I was not sad yet, just lazy

after another hour or so I even changed out of my pyjamas

had lunch

tech-supported two friends

listened to this and that

and meanwhile, all my energy left me 

I can’t really imaginge doing anything else than sleeping

however, I’ll make myself walk over to the water tower

and maybe even have a coffee and/or <kürtőskalács>

on being unfaithful

Today I remembered once again

that the fact that I am feeling significantly better than a year ago

proves that I am not faithful to my ideals

on P., the God-sent

Today I finally got to talk to P.

after way too long a time 

(Google Calendar tells me we last met in August!

I seem to remember something from autumn but it's unlikely that I'd have forgotten to put it on the calendar)

and quite a few stones fell off my heart 

[which is, of course, a saying unknown in English]

such a privilege to have someone to talk to

who embodies hope 

and is available on demand

such a grace

on flirtation

A sentence I'd never thought will ever leave 

[I have no idea about the tenses here] 

my mind:

all I wish for is some light flirtation

Troubles are that

it has a bad name (but do read this article or watch the video below it, and tell me that it isn't true!), and that

we know all too well

what became of my similar desire last year...

I could probably do other stuff

to feel more like a woman

like dress up and such

but I can't see anything else 

guaranteeing any instant gratification

people didn't notice my hair cut

and also, I just don't meet people

and stuff like that requires tiresome work

and I am lazy and demotivated

Today was a real drag

I didn’t feel like doing anything

procrastination, sadness, general blahh

However, A. called in the afternoon, and that was nice

and N. also volunteered to listen to me whining

and that helped a bit, too

Maybe I just lack people

BUT

I joined the Imagine prayer once again tonight

(after many missed sessions)

and it was lovely

I was reminded that the prophetess Anna’s life 

hadn’t quite gone the way she may have imagined

(being a wife for 7 and then a widow for about 50 years?!)

and yet she remained faithful

as was God, in all that (and "all that" of the Jews’ history)

In the end I even said hello to Steve H.

who seemed to be able to place me even after these 12 years

(I put JVC in the chatbox before but still)

and that felt realy nice, too

on daydreaming

Tonight I watched a lovely lecture

on designing a joyful home

and it started with imagining 

what you'd like your home to feel like

A week ago on CLC we worked with our dreams, too

And both times I had this disconcerting feeling

that I am hardly in touch with my dreams or desires

I could list a few dreams I had or maybe even have somewhere deep

but I have a very hard time trying to imagine them

and to imagine myself in them

I was never very good at fantasising

but I can't remember it being this hard

---

And there is something else, too

I feel as though I've used up all my faith in 2019

it kept me going, alive, and relatively sane back then

but it never replenished

and by now all my wheels and cogs are screeching

Looking back, the previous two weeks or so

were much like a crash course in self-kowledge...

I went ahead and swapped back my name

first at at the registrar

then online

and even started the official turns

I spent days munching on (or, well, procrastinating) the adoption papers

figured out why I was resisting it all so vehemently

(because I felt trapped by the circumstances)

and dodged this (by making sure that

I shall not be recommended a child until

I showed up with a very clear sign saying READY)

I filled in an MMPI (2-RF)

and spent an hour in a very good conversation with a psychologist

(who seemed quite certain that I am capable of the task ahead)

talked at length with a rarely-seen friend 

over lunch and coffee

had my hair cut

and my colour type analysed

dealt with unexpected news, 

reached out to someone I hardly know,

had the privilege of a vulnerable reply

and confessed myself an impostor

And on the less taxing side:

(besides these) in two weeks I attended 

an online retreat 

two delightful evenings of this little reading group

the first two of four Love Anyway workshops

two CLC gatherings

and the first sitting of my brand new book club

 

I am exhausted

but in that good, expectant way

on being an impostor

I think I have never felt this horrible this way

Today someone sent me a heartfelt thank you note

for something I’d done for a common friend

for entirely different, and indeed very selfish reasons

I considered confessing

but the nature of the case makes it impossible

And so now I am left with this gut-wrenching guilt

for abusing someone’s high regard for me

without a way out into honesty

(But at least it lead me to some very honest prayers)

on being a true winter

These, my friends, 

are the colours that suit me best

and alas, I used to wear many of them

in high school and on the university

Mum always steered me towards these, too

but at present it feels way too bold and bright and happy and devil-may-care

we'll see, we'll see

how long the "new year, new me" feel will last

The analysis was absolutely fun

I can only recommend it (and E. M.)

I hope the know-thyself part will be, too

a bit of experimenting 

probably wouldn't hurt

on the first bookclub session

I hereby declare the event a success

it wasn’t overly structured

and of course the book 

was one that hardly leaves anyone cold (The Bell Jar)

but still, ten people came together

and were quite active

had lots of opinions

and lots of fun

so yes, I imagined something like this

this far, I am happy

on L., again

The night before last
L. turned up in my dream again

we visited some zoo with a bunch of friends

chatting in English

up to the point of farewell

on which occasion L. chose to say a few sentences 

in close-to-perfect Hungarian

(and we hugged each other

as if it were the most natural thing in the world)

I can’t recall what he said

but it was certainly something nice

I had this vague warm feeling from the dream the whole day long

This morning I told him via WhatsApp

(well, except for the hugging part)

he laughed

and we started chatting as we didn’t lately

and at one point it turned out that he and S. broke up

which shook me

because they did look great

in fact the last (and only) reference 

I ever heard from L. to their relationship

was that it was "strong and healthy"

But then that was 1.5 years ago 

It’s a great pity on so many levels

the most practical being that 

I really hoped and wished to one day see their children

(keeping in mind that that may not have been their plan)

I obviously know nothing more

and will never, by all chances

but the metaphisical anxiety 

that every break-up makes me feel

is present nevertheless

on coming out

On Sunday I told two sets of people

about the name-reboot

and my intention to get a new adoption-eligibility paper

somehow both conversations 

turned to the dissolving of the sacramental marriage 

and eventually, I think, none of the 6 people said a single word

to the adoption part

Today I invited P. over for lunch

(he was there on Sunday)

and he told me that A. 

(whom she had told with my explicit permission)

"was glad for the news"

thinking that it was some 

forward-looking action on my part finally

I came home Sunday evening with serious doubts as to 

how good an idea it was 

to tell the second set of people

there and then

the mood certainly wasn’t one for deep talk

but then I was burning to tell them 

(at least the first part but someone inevitably asked the "why now")

Anyway, as time goes by, I feel less and less sure

about how good an idea the whole thing is

I procrastinated filling in the questionaire

(meaning that I couldn’t watch the online film club’s choice either)

and I still had to write the CV but I feel unable to do it

I wonder if the silence of my people contributed to it

or if it is my better judgement speaking from the depths

Funnily enough

my not-even-admitted-to-myself 

desires for intimacy

find a way to expression

in my dreams

and usually with the least appropriate people

there was a friend once whose girlfriend witnessed our spiralling madness

than a priest

and this time someone about twenty years my junior

(which at least is not downright immoral)

we were classmates(!) at some remote boarding school for acting(!!)

and I kept carrying a huge backpack

that was so heavy I could barely stand under its weight

there was also a huge waste disposal plant nearby

and once I sat in a (clean) garbage container

and was suddenly let lose as in a cable car

to rush towards its destination 

(a growing wall of trash as I remember now)

my life preserving instinct was awakened immedialtely

I held on to the rail as I could

than read the instructions on a sticker inside

showing how the container is not turned upside down in the end

and so it was

when I got back, the operator told me she did it on purpose

with some personal developmental experience in mind

though I can't recollect what exactly

on the weekend (more or less)

Yesterday I went for a hike

back from M. on the dam

no struggle with the elements this year

(two years ago snow actually froze on the front of our coats)

the weather was much like it was in 2017

2-3 degrees, I guess

obviously, there were other differences, too

back than we did it with Á.

and in 2018 with a bunch of friends

in the frame of an organised hike

whereas I was in my own now

except for my ever-obliging demons

I put away the phone for quite a while

and thought a lot 

though not very introspectivly

still, a few things cleared out a bit

like The Word

which is, without any doubt whatsoever

S P A C I O U S N E S S

I also tried to come up with ways to cultivate spaciousness*

such as

- taking walks

- climbing whatever I can for the view

- sky gazing from the balcony, maybe even in the morning

- leaving margins between stuff in my calendar

- getting up early (<ráérős> is in fact a close ralative of <tágas> in my mind)

- decluttering

- widening my heart for people and causes that have not interested me this far

- or doing the same with ideas

I also thought about lots of other issues

which will come up here, too, sooner or later

but which for now I'd rather keep secret

At home I lay down in the bathtub

very tired and very content

---

* Any input from you is welcome!

In the morning we had a looong work meeting

I didn’t quite get it all but it was o.k.

Before that I went to run a wee bit

the idea was that starting all over with that great plan 

might just get me hooked again

if it could once 

and alas, it turns out that I am nowhere near my peak fitness either

so starting from the beginning was indeed a good idea

I’ll see if I go again though

I am not very committed yet

(also, just saying I will makes me feel exhausted)

I spent the afternoon in a daze 

mostly from the lack of sleep, I guess

I procrastinated all I had to do

lost all my energy or mood to anything

couldn’t even get to watch tonight’s film (Groundhog Day)

and now I think I’ll try to sleep

and hopefully get up early enough tomorrow

to finish what I still have to

on searching, pt 3

The process has got into a very intuitive state
unsurprisingly, I am at a loss

I am inclined towards the passive an inward-focussed words

(like heart, ease, acceptance, safe, healing, gentleness, self-compassion)

but then I may just as well need activity and getting out of my head

(like flow, yes, real, or vitality would suggest)

and then there are the ones encompassing a lot:

spaciousness, whole, flow, embrace...

Anyway, no rush, I can easily sit a few more days with these

Today I finally tidied up and hoovered

(I had to, we’re going to have a work meeting here tomorrow)

(even washed my hair!)

which reminded me how naïve a hope it was

all through summer

that tidying up will be the breakthrough

I guess there is no breakthrough

or only in the wrong direction: 

trauma can work its destruction in a couple of days

but healing takes ages

on searching for The Word, pt 2

These are the ones I am pondering currently 
(note esp. the conflicting ones :-)):

• laughter
• vitality
• hope
• spaciousness
• ease 
• whole
• heart
• acceptance
• surrender
• restore
• flow
• wander
• yes
• safe
• wild
• real
• adventure
• healing
• gentleness
• (self-)compassion

 

on searching for The Word

Old habits are hard to kill, I guess

even amidst all the hopelessness

I found myself wondering about some motto for the year

(or, say, for the first half of it)

and so now I get an e-mail a day to help with the process 

Yesterday’s was about visualising my ideal day

as well as the general questions of

"What do I need more/less of?"

I thought I might as well scribble here 

a few key words that came up.

More: 

laughter

prayer

movement (inside and out)

energy/vitality

enthusiasm

contentment

hope

faith

creating

nature

femininity

spaciousness

intimacy

Less:

self-pity

distraction

numbness

laziness

sluggishness

despair

isolating

grinding effort

carbohydrates :-D

--------

Today’s questions are these:


— What is definitely happening in 2021?

?

— What are you hoping will happen in 2021?

...?
I should definitely take steps
toward annulling the church marriage

— What dreams would you like to nurture in the new year?

Still no idea...

— What area(s) of your life is/are asking to be supported in 2021?

Spirituality

mental health

bodily health (mostly in terms of prevention)

— What qualities do you want to develop in yourself?

Risk-taking

femininity

"flowiness" (like water: flowing around the obstacles

instead of fist-fighting them)

— What does your heart need?

Self-compassion
honest self-examination

and an update

to Pt 1:

Meanwhile on Moly other people’s lists inspired me 

with two > four! more first-time-this-year-s:

- have seen my dad with a beard

- have been taking medication for a whole year (and counting)

- could not go to church on a Sunday--for lack of a service near or far

- cooked quince cheese

on the year, pt 3 – People that...

​...made me happy:
my nephews who welcomed me with visible joy every time we met
friends reaching out to/for me
everyone who sent me anything by post

...made me grateful:
A. who showed up again and again despite all else on her plate

A. who asked me for help from time to time
M. who went out of his way to keep in touch this year

F., P. & H. who helped me loads with DIY jobs
G., my boss, who "lent" me trust in advance
all those at the forming fellowhip who accepted me

my parents for this light-hearted Christmas

...made me smile or laugh:
B.
E., my little goddaughter
MA, the other baby around

...made me feel curious, intrigued, challenged or just plain joyful through their work:
Michael Osterholm
Phoebe Judge
Grant Snider
Krista Tippett
Ann Voskamp 

Lore Ferguson Wilbert

on the year, pt 2 – Stuff that...

​...made me enthusiastic:
world travel/backpacking
urbexing
the new job
starting the book club

...made me happy:
that neat little romance in spring
a few play gatherings with lots of laughter
a few presents that I managed to chose with a lucky hand

...provided escape:
Friends (the series)
Harry Potter
GF Newman’s The Corrupted
the Neapolitan Quartet by Elena Ferrante
Endevour

...made me relax:
long hot baths
editing Moly.hu

...made me grow:
F&L?
the new job?

...I enjoyed:
Wooden Overcoats
Station Eleven
true crime podcasts (esp. Body on the Moor, Death in Ice Valley, and Criminal)
BBC Radio dramas & audio books
film club films (usually)
sending out the Christmas "cards"
cooking

walking a lot
The New York Times
The Guardian 

...made me sad/desperate:
marital crises and/or bad choices of friends
gun violence and police brutality in the U.S.
Trump
the political climate here in Hungary
my bleak future

my troubles with sleep

my reading crisis

...I missed:
travelling 
hiking 
intimacy on all its levels
some friends
pub nights
nice, tangible surprises 
God

on disappointment

I was planning some sort of a little get-together for tomorrow

to talk a bit about the ending year

and also inaugurate the new card set ("the little box of emotions")

but no one was interested (or available)

so in the end I gave up

and felt utterly disheartened

(even as I know it’s not personal)

and now I should do my own reflection

but of course I don’t

and if not that, I should at least sleep

to avoid repeating that horrible experience

when two weeks ago I almost fell asleep on adoration

but alas, the "all’s wrong" feeling has settled in

and now I need all my objectivity and willpower

to make myself go to bed

why 

why

why

on the year (pt 1?)

 I'd like to write some sort of a 

"this was 2020" post

but I resist the idea of introspection 

I feel that it can only bring on pain

(which may not even be true

but that makes no difference)

Today the usual

"and what was it that you have done

for the first time this year?"

post appeared on Moly

and it took me a long while to figure out

just two things:

- attended psychodrama (once...) and

- spent 5 whole days indoors while completely healthy (contact-quarantine)

This year has not been one when 

I'd have been particularly adventurous

(or indeed at all)

in many aspects my world is shrinking

it reminds me of the time when I used to run:

back than I felt invincible 

and now, utterly dejected 

I am paralysed even at the thought of jogging

on Christmas, continued

I got indigestion

though I really haven’t eaten that much

anyway, a night without dinner should cure it

Today we met up with E. and B. from high school

as well as their husbands and 3 / 4 children (respectively)

it was a lovely morning in Sze.

with bright sunshine

we talked and walked and looked at the nativity

In the afternoon I took the car (and Mum) for a ride

up the hill to Dk.

but I wasn’t the only one with that spot in mind –

there was practically a continuous stream of cars both ways

plus hundreds parking on top

I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many cars there

I wonder if they know that we’ll be locked up in the near future

or just happened to chose the same place for the first sunny day in ages

Being at home is still absolutely enjoyable

miracles won’t cease

on Christmas

(I wrote this two days ago, I think, just forgot to post somehow)

So far this is an unexpectedly nice Christmas

my parents are so light-hearted

I found myself wanting to hang out in their company

a thing I can't remember wishing to

Politics come up a bit too much

Mum's furious

My demons, of course, show up from time to time

the disappointment 

the rejection

I wonder if they'll ever leave on their own accord

because casting them off is not a pheasible option

And spiritually I am nowhere near Christ(mas), either

not that it was a surprise

on a productive day, for a change

I know I shouldn’t be proud of this

(as much as I shouldn’t feel bad for the opposite ones either)

but at one point today I realised that 

I’ve got almost everything done 

that I have[?] planned for today

All the Christmas "cards" are delivered

(actually I mailed those going farther last week)

I had a PCR test done and got a negative result

I got almost every present (though none wrapped yet)

and with the help of G. 

even the Faith & Light goody bags reached their recipients

and I had a Zoom talk with N. today

she is stranded in England which is bad

but there are nice things going on around her, too

which are, well, good

and I had mulled wine and cake with (another) N. today

he is about to move out to make space for T.’s girlfriend

and I had a long phone talk with B., too

(she’d been chasing me for a week or so...)

and I had an idea for a thematic post here 

but when and how to do it is yet unclear 

on some lazy days, again

Today I walked out to the mall

where the farmer/crafter market was 

too crowded to feel safe

and where the grocery store didn’t have my favourite muesli

(nor freezer bags for the hospital)

On the way back I mailed one sold book

and had a nice cappuccino ("drink out to help out”)

that I drank in front of a giant nativity scene on Széchenyi square

all the while pondering how it is

that this far I always felt the downtown Christmas fuss way too much

but now I miss it acutely

Later there was the Christmas gathering with the Faith & Light community

where I sang surprisingly self-consciously 

and consequently pretty falsely[?] for the first few beats

but other than this, it was nice as always

I listened to Obama’s reading of his (abridged) memoir 

that was is either very well written or very well edited

but I enjoyed it so much that it made me want to listen to the whole

(though I would probably not read it)

And now I am really sleepy 

but a few minutes ago when I finally closed the laptop

my mind was instantly back at all those toxic spirals

so I decided to open it up again, and write

The unimaginable is happening:

I am down to 1.5 jars of jam

I'll have to make an appeal to friends 

from more domestically inclined families...

Among the other stuff

on Monday I had a fabulous walk and chat

with a girl from the fellowship

we hit it off unexpectedly well

even though she must be 

at least 15 years younger 

and she reached out to me

which is a present in itself

(and my only chance these days)

The parliament is closing the doors

before single people wanting to adopt

which is outrageous 

it also makes me wonder if 

I should have applied

the answer is no, obviously,

yet it feels bad to think that 

I may not stand another chance at it

I listened to this podcast episode 

on Singleness & Sex

it made me wish to read Handle with Care

(I've been reading the author's blog for years)

and also made me realise

just how touch-deprived I am

on a joyous afternoon

This has been my most wonderful afternoon in a long time

First I went to have lunch with a nice young couple 

from the forming Calvinist fellowship where I work

there was great food and good conversation

nothing of the first-visit awkwardness

Afterwards four of us from the Faith & Light group gathered

for a white elephant present swap

which turned out to be hilarious even with so few people

I laughed more than I did in recent weeks, combined

and I will so do it with my friends once we can

on screens (in more than one sense)

(Well, one is rather screening but never mind that)

I’ve got a letter the other day

(not much after this, you may remember)

the public health office calling me to cervical screening

recommended apparently every 3 years

(which begs the question

"why on earth did I undergo it every year up to the last two?!"...

but more importantly)

I never knew we had this on social security

the (first and) last time I’ve got called in to this

was in Manchester, 12 years ago

And then, let me present you my studio:

where I spent hours today recording myself singing 

this spiritual 

it was actually quite good fun

though I have doubts as to my being cut out either

for solo singing or 

for singing into a camera...

we’ll see what becomes of the edited choir product.

on sleeping

Allowing that 28/11 was a measuring mistake (I went back to sleep after the alarm)

it still isn’t quite the ideal 

on adoration

This was a bit weird

I sat today at my appointed weekly hour of adoration

and found that the radio in my head

plays this song 

of all

It’s been the third week (of adoration; not this song)

and I have to get a hard grip on myself every time to set off 

I can’t sit with my feelings and thoughts

But today I remembered

that all through last(? – 2019) summer

adoration was the only time and place

where despair could not get hold of me

what an incomprehensible memory

This was also the spring/summer when I 

went to church almost daily, even for 7am

while nowadays I struggle to make myself go 

even on Sunday

how very oddly I work

***

On the brighter side [pun intended]

today I bought and set up a LED-light-strip

over the kitchen counter

and it’s fantastic

gutta cavat lapidem

Don't get me wrong

I am not near being desperate at present

but that age-old story somehow 

comes into my mind often

about the man who committed suicide

and signed his farewell letter

with the mocking name that a teacher called him at school once

The morale was to be careful with our tongue

because we never can know how others might be affected

As far as I can remember

I was always a bit sceptic toward the guy

so many things happen

how come that he remained so aware 

of that one degrading remark

These days, however, when

I find myself running the same circles

round and 

round

again and

again

I start to see what it means

to feel defined by a single event

as if it carved into me 

drop by 

drop

on this and that

I've got two cards in a week

lovely surprises

one from M. in K.

and one from N. & her family

right from Landau

The new pet has arrived, too

a slim, pretty white heater panel for the bathroom

totally programmable, it could even use wifi

(for no obvious purpose to me)

I hope it won't triple the electricity bill either

I got some more volunteer work, too

carrying leftover baked goods from a bakery to a hospital unit

one evening a week

maybe I could involve other people, too

B. sent an email today, telling mostly about how lonely she is

The book club starts to take shape

I am looking forward to it

And I am more anxious of sleep than ever

:D

I feel like complaining

but I can’t think of anything

that I wouldn’t have already covered here

on (not) caring for my body

Disclaimers:

A) This post may well be Too Much Information for some

B) I really am not proud of these

(though not too much ashamed either)

but it feels important to scribble them down

So I think I achieved some sort of a personal record

having had 18 days between two hair wash

it just wasn't important enough to bother

(the 15-16 degrees at the bathroom

aren't very conducive either

but help is on its way)

the previous time was when two guys came over to play

since then, work was the only reason to move out

(anywhere where I'd have to take my hat off anyway)

The last time I've had my hair cut

was in July last year

(for Á. -- as if...)

it's horribly split by now but I can't be bothered

My calves (?) are proper winter-sleep hairy

The last time I wore a dress/skirt must have been

in September or early October

(apart from the theater)

And what may be even more interesting

I can't be bothered with health checks either

(not that I had any indications 

or even family history to make them 

any more important than for the avarege)

To be honest, it isn't a bad lifestyle

It's pretty cheap (no shampoo, no doctor)

and quite greeen (though what I win in water comsumption on the rare hair washing, I lose twice on full-tub baths... but at least it's with less chemicals)

and even relieves me of a lot of stress (anybody having fun at the dermatologist? dentist? gynecologist...? Nooo?!)

On the other hand

I guess it doesn't make me very marketable

neither does it feel particularly elating

but for the time being

this is mine

and embracing it still requires less effort

than fighting it would

AND I really do brush my teeth every night

and isn't that the foundation of all...?

...

This. Is. It.

I am dead tired, yet unable to move to the bed.

Last night I slept at my nephews-nieces place,

and really did try to sleep half past midnight, and I couldn’t.

However, I woke up at 6:10 this morning

and couldn't go back to sleep

which is unheard of.

So it really isn’t going the way it should

I guess ... running could be the answer

but I still feel pity for Present Me

more than I feel compassion for Future Me

on advent, vol 2

I forgot the last time
just why I started that post
the advent calendar 

was such a significant part
of my childhood Decembers
mum even got round to send it to me
for years during university 

Á. wasn't very keen on it
pretty much refused to take part the last year or two

which hurt
but having no-one even to ask
probably hurts still more
the world is deprived 
of magic
of surprises 
(though of the awful ones, too
admittedly)

on advent

This evening we took a walk with the Calvinist women’s club :-)

in the centre to bask a bit in the festive lights

(apparently there isn’t even Christmas market this year)

it turned out that one of the girls had 

my ex-mother-in-law for class master for six years 

it was a bit strange to hear but all in all I’m glad she decided to tell me

I still have no wreath

but I did start the everyday retreat (just two days late)

and even managed not to listen to anything up to 6pm today

(well, I did wake at 11am but that 

must have been some sort of a time portal at work...)

Meanwhile I finally set about organising the book club 

without crowds of enthusiasts so far 

but once we reach about 12, I’ll just start

And I am considering taking up unskilled nursing at the hospital

on a poem (or more)

Tonight at the CLC meeting

we were given a poem

that speaks to me so loudly

I even posted it on Fb

(I am getting worse, posting more and more)

a bit oddly, most of those who commented, gave it a "like"

although someone I hardly know 

sent me a message afterwards asking whether I’m o.k.

how very strange how people operate

I am also in a bit of a film-hangover

having finished the 30*90 minutes of Endeavour so far broadcasted

in two weeks straight

someone to obsess about yet again 

always a good distraction

on being o.k.

I really am unreasonable these days

everything’s going smoothly

work, volunteering, entertainment

and yet

something is nowhere

The moment I stop whatever distracts me

I am back to the same old, same old

Sometimes it feels like I am just a step away

from being found out (mostly by myself :-))

as an impostor

someone pretending to live

a whitewashed tomb

still

madly in love 

with DS(!) Morse

on purpose

Tonight at the CLC gathering 

we were given a few questions 

on our experiences about God

and his guidance

and where we feel the journey leading further on

what more we'd want to accomplish

and from that, the purpose of our life

and I had to admit once again

that I can't sense any development 

if I were to die tomorrow, so be it

I can't even imagine

what I could wish for

not where I could be in a year or five or ten

and I lost hope of ever knowing it either

deep inside it's all the same 

quicksand 

I am just building upon it

because I need shelter

but sooner or later it is 

bound to come crashing down

upon my head

on adventures, imaginary and real

My latest crush is still DC Endevour Morse (Oxford City Police)

age 27ish, brilliant detective, and alcoholic in the making

but today A. asked me whether I’d feel up to some help

in their appeal for the local COVID ICU

which I obviously do

so I finally have this notion of 

doing something worthwhile

for people who 

do something worthwhile 

(and dangerous)

she said the whole effort galvanises them

and I know this feeling very well

it is the same that I feel on the rare occasions

when I am struck by a particularly good idea

one that will keep me going for days (& possibly nights)

And then Zs. was here for a few hours’ work

and I didn’t ask him how he was

pretty inconsiderate of me

In the evening I also had a Skype talk with R.

the English guy I met at that session of the foreigners 

in Keszthely, back in August

the group closed in for the time being

and so I offered to move it online

(that way I can participate, too)

in the end we talked for more than 2 hours

(and quite a lot of it in Hungarian)

and agreed to go on a fortnight from tonight

it was great fun

on balance coming back

I’ve been treating myself to a lot of nice stuff these days:

I worked quite a bit (that’s very good)

got a stack of books 

(one for myself – on running, OMG!

one for M. for Christmas, 

this for me, too, 

and, well, this 

(but that’s for Christmas, I stored it away unopened))

found a great new crime series

(new to me, obviously)

took all the curtains to the dry cleaner

bought a mic for the laptop (not much of a quality though)

sent a card to L.

and lots of The Good Thief* :-D to various prisons

Now I should be reading, though

because I still have a bit of a chance to accomplish

The Big Goal (see my progress if you are a member)

* Seriuosly, how do they know that they were thieves?

Shouldn’t they rather be called something more "generally evil"?

on talking online

Actually it can be nice and good and even meaningful, I find

Last week our Faith & Light meeting on Zoom

went a lot better than any of us expected

someone said it recharged her

and that was my feeling exactly

Tonight we had CLC on LetsMeet

a bit of prayer, sharing

and a metaphor-meditation

"Mercy is like..."

and we were moved

I am looking forward to meeting them 

again next week

on screens vs. books

My sad present reality is

that as long as there is 

a shiny screen 

within reach

I

won't 

read

The other day I sat out 

to read on a sunny bench

and left my phone behind

but the days are foggy now

and masks are oblogatory in every public space

so I guess for a time I just won't read

on heading downwards, part 2

Other not good signs include

being wide awake at 2:50am

and having bad memories coming back

the moment I put down the phone

on selfishness

This was a good day again

we had a long walk with A.

ran errands

had a coffee to go

and pushed MA around

she told me about an initiative to help out 

the local COVID ICU

with whatever they need

(such as disposable socks!)

and then at home I read another friend’s letter 

on a mailing list with the same idea

and suddenly I felt so ashamed

that I never even thought of this

(though I did wonder why 

we don’t clap any more

now that the case is so much worse 

than it used to be in spring)

I feel like I am closing in

the world and its state 

permeates my mind less and less

Meanwhile, K. is about to leave her husband

for another man

totally convinced that he is The One

and I am utterly powerless

and have no idea what to say even

on heading downwards

Well, not wanting to wash my hair is never a good sign

neither is eating Nutella by spoonfuls 

I’ve been sorely missing people for a few days

trying to arrange this or that, without much result

but that’s gone

(fortunately A. called me yesterday to meet up tomorrow

so that’s probably gonna happen)

 

and I didn’t do anything since 11 today

for a minute cooking seemed like a good idea

but not long enough to start peeling the pumpkin

I might get into the bath now

and go on with my latest true crime podcast

on Fb

A while ago, while rearranging the About page

I told Fb to leave me alone with anything about Á.

but out of caution I kept spending only the absolutely necessary time on it

today, however, I scrolled down on my news feed

and of course ran in into his new profile picture

(added only 8 hours ago)

and the very rare occasion has happened:

I felt physical pain

the tightening in my throat and chest

he seems happy

thriving even

(as of course everyone does on their profile picture)

and I can’t decide whether I hate him more

or myself for feeling these

on withdrawal

A month or so ago 

I started weaning myself off the antidepressant

very cautiosly, cutting just one sixth of the dose

now I am down to two third

and I wonder if I can really feel it

or if it's just placebo withdrawal

or simply some generic pain before bed

trying to avoid

looking the inner emptiness in the eye

horror vacui

(Meanwhile, I am having

The Most Embarrassing 

dreams of my life

seriously, I won't be able to 

look some people in the eye 

if it goes on much longer)

on being stuck

Today was great

I went to church in the morning

Fr. I. spoke good

then I met É. at a terrace

had an excellent mango cake

and a good conversation

and together walked to Alsóváros

she to the cemetery and 

I to MA's baptism

which was a very low-key event

barely any formality but lots of love

I ran away from all the happy families in the end

(though I only realise it now)

went to visit T. and the kids with two books

and stayed for lunch and coffee

and eventually walked home

Where I went on with the perfect Sunday afternoon

read and listened and 

went on with rearranging the furniture 

(good fun but no sensible result)

had a long bath

but something struck me in one of the audio books

nothing new to anyone, yet it struck me

that the first phase of grief, _denial_ means

that one doesn't want to go on 

with the new state of things

(rather than literally not believing 

as I was told earlier)

and that's trouble

because I can definitely see myself 

in that category 

Apparently (I mean in my life,

the book went on in a different direction)

it doesn't have much to do with my 

overall state of mind & life 

I can happily build on quicksand

and pretend that all's well

in fact I became so apt at it

that I myself started to believe it

but there is nothing beneath

just a gap

on having time

Work is stagnating still

and I don’t have to (or indeed: cannot) complain about 

my need and inability to tidy up

and so I am actually on the verge of boredom

not that there was nothing to do 

but procrastinating is easier

Anyway, to be able to have guests is great

F. came over for coffee today

and we had a light board game party on Sunday, too

(with three people who had no or very little contact so far)

And I also very much enjoy 

the freedom to put down things (!) whenever I need to

(since there are clear horizontal spaces available)

and the newly (re)gained vision-sharpness

for anything out of place

Meanwhile, the two big heaters had to be swapped 

for non-leaking ones (second-hand, of course)

which cost half my savings

but brought on a nice warm flat

on greater joys

M. came to visit me yesterday

all the way down from Buda

the weather was terrible

and he was pretty determined to avoid closed spaces

so we walked around a lot (about 7 km, Google tells me)

and ate and drank at various terraces

and he brought along Omerta as a present

and altogether it was the best way possible to spend that gloomy-wet day

Meanwhile, to help the gas man 

getting to my non-working heater (<convector> :D)

I eliminated the heap of stuff from in front of it

along with the heap of dust covering it

and eventually I 

did 

gain 

momentum 

and so by the time of M’s arrival at noon yesterday

I tidied up and hoovered the room properly

after 7+ months

or an eternity, as it felt

it still feels fresh, amazing, and kind of unreal

on little joys

Today I went out

in lovely sunshine (a T-shirt proved to be enough)

walked in the flood area forest and then on the dam

until my shoes gave me blisters

(which wasn’t very far, unfortunately)

I even touched the Tisza with my palms

a sensation that delights me ever since I was a child

I also talked on the phone to A.

turns out he had covid a few weeks ago

and was asked about all his contacts up until the point 

where he told them that he was a teacher

there it ended

not a single mention about his possible school contacts

another example of how badly this whole thing is handled here

F. was over for coffee

we sat on the balcony

I’ve got a proper, paper letter 

from my high school literature teacher

Tomorrow we’ll go home with the whole bunch

my father will be made an "honorary citizen"

on mood swings

It’s nowhere near the original meaning, probably
but for lack of a better word I’ll call it mood swing

More times than I care to count

I find myself really bracing myself for tidying up

even imagining the resulting peace and comfort

but every single time when I could actually start doing it

I lose momentum, interest, willpower

and just do nothing

I would very much like to read about this

whether others have encountered (and maybe overcome) similar resistance

where it may be rooted

but I have no idea how to even start googling it

on quarantine

Man proposes, God disposes.

Having planned about five events for the coming days,

I was being quarantined today

through contact tracing

Unfortunately I did not connect the dots in the morning:

M. texted me saying that our mutual friend A. was diagnosed covid positive

but I totally forgot that I spent half of Saturday with her

(after all, she's been living in Kecskemét for years)

and so I went and donated blood today

which will now be disposed of

Fortunately the isolation will only last till next Wednesday 

since the period counts from the day of the contact

but still, the moment that I knew I should not leave the flat,

I started walking round and round

like the lion in that tiny cage

back in my childhood zoo

9 years

and no reason to celebrate.

I can’t really recall how I felt nine years ago

but all in all I was joy- and hopeful

feeling that my life was going in the right direction

looking forward to having a couple of children

and later growing old with Á.

Well, we all know how this story ended.

Today was o.k.

I mostly managed to divert my attention

went to mass in the evening

and thought how fitting it were

to kill myself tonight

but alas, I am not desperate (or just plain brave) enough

Meanwhile, I stumbled upon king David’s

pretty odd behaviour

and it left me wondering

whether I should try and carry on living 

as he did

since “the child’s dead, and I can’t bring it back”

David seems cool with it

but to me, well, easier said than done

on joys and burdens

A lot has happened since I last wrote here

I spent a good two days (and nights) and A., P., M. & J.’s house
helping out A. with her latest dietary requirements
and cleaning her kitchen :-)
it was good both in terms of fun and friendship
and also horribly tiring
their kids would kill me in about two days

I also had the vague feeling that if not the kids
then the mess would kill me in a week
but alas, I still haven’t got much further with my own room
so there must be some double standards at work here

On Friday I went to this amazing concert

and had the season’s first cup of mulled wine afterwards

(likely fortified with some spirit :-))

On Saturday I spent the forenoon (thanks, Miss Austen!)

with our and the other CLC group 

Fr. Gy. proved to be a lovely person

we had an amazing potluck lunch

and the whole thing was just totally effortless and light-hearted

I felt at home again

On Sunday B. took me for a ride

we had a pizza in Sándorfalva

good fun as always

Yesterday I cooked some quince cheese

"some" meaning that pretty much all my bowls are full of it now :-D

and I have a hard time figuring out how and where to dry them out completely

once I removed them from the bowls

I also made the decision to join a small group 

at the "start-up" fellowship that gives my job 

it will probably be a place to give back

since the members (with the exception of the leader)

are more "beginners" in faith

(we are somehow all single women, too

which somehow makes me a bit uncomfortable)

Another joy is the Online Film Club

run by N. from York

and our new routine in which we watch the film Monday night

with J. on her (well, N.’s) large screen TV 

Among the burdens, I’ve got into a pretty difficult place of work

having to answer dozens of questions by the lawyer 

about the website that is still not finished

And then there is the room

with the heaps of (off and in-season) clothes

and other heaps of stuff

buried in dust

and the fact that I am going to sleep later and later every night

despite declaring my intention to do it earlier

on loyalty, imaginary or real

I told G. & A. way back that I won’t attend the harvest this year 
yet when they told me a few days ago that they invited Á.
I felt very much hurt

In my mind
the inevitable is happening
people get over their initial indignation
shrug and say "well, he must have had his reasons"
make peace and then friends with A.
and in the end he’ll have it all
and I’ll have nothing

I guess it’s not exactly realistic
nevertheless this is how I feel
and in theory that’s neither good nor bad

but in fact it is rather bad
for it makes me see painfully clearly
how very, very far I have come
from the generosity I truly felt
towards him just a year and a half ago

I am moving backwards
not only in terms of the external stuff
but even as a person

I try not to imagine where I will end up

on aging, part 2

When I was young, I never understood

why people would fret over their age

then as I grew older

I drifted farther and farther

from where I ought to have been

and with that, the fretting started

Around this time before turning 30

I remember posting "emotional turmoil" on Fb

to which P. replyed with interest

and so we sat down in an outdoor cafe next to Nyugati

and I wept about certainly not bearing a child by the age of 30

(he was remarkably uncompassionate 

which hurt deeply)

at that time I held that the latest age

for having a first child

is 35

(the example being my uncle & aunt

who were about 40 

when my nephew was born)

Well, that should be over by now

but it isn't

instead, I took another step backwards 

with the divorce

on aging

Maybe because my birthday was so unusual this year
I was more aware of my .5th
and now that that too is over
I started agonising on shortly becoming 40
something totally unimaginable

Of course it shall be just as it always is:
nothing changes from one day to the next

I will get used to ticking one box lower in all those web-forms
to being in a whole different decade than most of my friends
and in the same one with many others
who always seemed so put together
who have kids in high school

comparison is the thief of joy
but how am I to fend it off
should I live on a desert island?

(What makes this post especially tragic is that I kept planning
a proper joyous one
with all the delights of the weekend...)

on constantly monitoring myself

I’m not sure how helpful it is
but I find myself taking my mental temperature
many times a day

feeling worse is familiar ground
this dread of sleep that led me here now
that envy toward my friends having their babies
that deep, deep sadness

feeling better, on the other hand, fills me with some vague remorse
because it means that I am becoming unfaithful
(to what exactly? my ideals?)

and the latest: I don’t want to eventually just "feel good"
because the only way I can imagine that 
is by burying whatever pains me now
and that’s unworthy of the cause

and who knows whether when I feel better now
I am not doing exactly that

but who will tell me if and when I am actually healing?
how will I know?