on the doomstown visits

I wondered here earlier

that these visits later look like

something quite removed from me

it was the same this morning

with sunshine pouring into the room and on my face

like a bad dream

(with some puffy eyes, oh well)

however

yesterday I was more aware of the process

and as tempting as it is to say that 

I have no control/responsibility over my mind these time

it may not be true after all

because I was fully myself when I first thought/felt what I did

and for a long time afterwards

so who can tell where that "line" is

or indeed if it exists

If someone had told me two years ago

that I'll be this poorly now...

I wanted to say I'd have killed myself but of course I wouldn't 

Just like I don't do it know

when I have a pretty good idea on what's ahead

I think it’s about to time to let go.

If I couldn’t help myself in 2.5 years

or in fact, couldn’t even determine to want to help

than the logical next step is to give up

This won’t mean suicide, of course

nor, probably, any radical difference compared to my days so far

but I want to stop struggling finally

because it is just pointless

and seems to make things worse than they may be

should I not care at all 

I guess I am still sure 

God could take my misery away 

but I start having serious doubts 

whether He wants to

There were those times

when every time I left the house

I felt like the chased game

looking left and right 

in the fear of seeing Á (& A) anywhere

Not very good for stress levels

Then it eased a lot

Time, the great healer, and similar bullshit

And then now it’s back

So probably it wasn’t so much me getting better

than the quaranteen times 

when there was almost no chance

to run into anyone on the street 

* sigh *

Maybe I should start working out ways

to make his/their life a living hell

and then they’d move away...

(Maybe this was inspired by today’s short story)

Maybe

I wasn’t exactly right the last time.

Maybe I just don’t take my feelings seriously.

Maybe it started at home—I remember so many times

when my feelings or opinions were brushed off

and maybe now it rubs off on me:

I am unable to validate being sad and hopeless

after two years

nor feeling hurt and forsaken

though I was indeed hurt and forsaken

Why do I keep gaslighting myself

Meanwhile, I am also so grateful

for those few adults that did take me seriously

and listened to me 

(mostly whining, tbh

but than isn’t that such an integral part of teenagerhood?)

mainly men: my high school class master, a Franciscan,

my bassoon teacher,

my university chaplains

You have no idea how much I needed those conversations (weeps)

Sometimes

I still feel that it would have been better

to stop living in March 2019

I am, of course, o.k. with living 

from one day to another

but it doesn't lead anywhere

there is nothing

to get up for in the morning

to be enthusiastic about 

to love more than I do my comfort

There is only this shame and sadness and dispair

that nothing can possibly come

that could make this worthwhile

Meanwhile, writing these down 

doesn't make me feel better

if anything, rather worse

and yet, my need for complaining

gets the better of me again and again

I had yet another in-love dream last night

with yet another unwisely chosen guy

apparently no male aquaintance of mine is safe :-D

(he was the 5th if I remember well)

I also met A. on a playground today

I'm so glad that we are both this committed to meet whenever we can

I learn a lot from and through her

My digestion is still as bad as can be

(meaning virtually nonexistent)

but at least today I bought some fruit & veg

and a summer duvet

on an absolutely uplifting Zoom birthday party

As it is, naturally my whole high school class is turning 40 this year 

(starting last autumn)

and the spouses make the most of it

Last week I sent a letter to B. in Pomáz

he’s supposed to get one for each of the 40 days leading up to his birthday

And now I joined a Zoom party 

for N. in Landau

first we were gathered in smaller groups in a breakout room with her

scheduled so that those who knew each other came for the same half an hour

and then we got all together for a presentation from heaps of pictures

narrateted by her husband, N.

with a lot of humour and even more apparent love

it really was a privilege even to listen to him

(of course I was a bit jealous, too

but not much)

on the dragging days

I feel as though time were slowing down 

nothing distinguishes the days

one flows into the other

and worst of all, they are gone without any trace

like some gel-like substance

in which things are visible but hard to grasp

the resistance is hundredfold

Babies are born in my circles

and I don’t feel much

neither pain nor joy

Come to think of it, the whole feeling-business is 

somewhat dampened these days

I can’t really remember the last time I had some strong feeling

(but it was probably something not-very-nice 

so I better not search too much)

I remember reading somewhere that 

one indicator of being adoption-ready

was that one can speak without crying

of not being able to give birth

I think I got to this point a day after my diagnosis

But I still cry whenever I think 

(let alone speak...)

of the divorce

I guess it's telling

that while writing about the good events of last week

I altogether forgot about

receiving the eligibility certificate for adoption...

I am nowhere nearer to the decision than I've been in January

if anything, probably even farther

But it's valid for 3+1 years so I guess I don't have to rush the discernment

(if only I had some clue where to start...)

By the time I finished the previous post in the afternoon

I started feeling low again

but I cut it off by joining N., J., B., Zs. & F. in the Liget

for a nice talk (N. brought along converation starter questions)

and then B. came over to remake my laptop

which of course didn't quite happen

but at least it has been started 

he left eventually before 10

and then I remembered F. telling some birdwatcher story about Á.

and of course, that was the end of the pleasant time

I wonder if this hatred 

that turns from him & her to myself in minutes every time

will ever leave me

it’s been awhile

I feel somehow strange

that "episode" a week ago left its mark on my mood for a long time

it may have been because

it felt like letting myself down

another disappointment –

back when I strolled in to the psychiatry 

more than 1.5 years ago

I really didn’t expect the connection to last this long

I’ve been looking upon these as a temporary state ever since

to be ignored when I feel better and endured when worse

but maybe this isn’t the right strategy after all

maybe I should aim to learn to navigate them

but for that I would have first 

to accept

that this too shall last

and that feels just too much

Good things happened this week, too, of course

another massage session

a present and a heartfelt letter from my brother via snail mail

a good walk & talk with N.

I’ve got vaccinated and survived (well, this far – AZ)

I had a reading date with myself

on a park bench, with coffee & cakes

and most importantly without my phone

the sun shone a lot

I cleaned up that ugly back corner of the loo

(pretty effortlessly, really, as aunt K. said:

"one day you'll just do it without sweat")

And yet I feel subdued

on Easter alone

This has certainly been

my most pathetic Easter so far*

I was doing o.k. till Good Friday evening

but there it all vanished

and I spent Saturday as well as today mostly playing on my phone

feeling varying levels of self-loathing and -pity

and horrible loneliness

(One highlight there was though

in being alone:

I sang along the Exultet loudly

with the bishop (on YT)

while lying in the bathtub...)

Then this afternoon F. called to inquire after a possible coffee meet-up

and while I was about to change from my pyjamas in his honour,

A. called also, just to chat a bit

and I couldn't help but laugh with her

(besides admiring their parental creativity)

These people save my life again and again

because the times when I needed people most

are also the ones when I am the least able to reach out

just like today

(although I made an effort today 

and arranged the time for our walk with N. tomorrow

about which we've talked a few days ago

but made no solid plan)

* I tried to remember Easters in Cluj but couldn't 

on my excursions to doomstown

Sometimes now

I can look back at these "episodes" and say

"well, my mind wandered off for a walk

to some dark and scary place"

which doesn't help a bit while I am there

but at least makes some sense of it afterwards 

I wonder what happened if

instead of actively ignoring this mild depression

I would try and learn to navigate it

(too bad that would need require energy and interest to invest in :-7)

on sadfishing

Unsurprisingly

not even the cards could solve my life's troubles

so last night I found myself once again

crying myself to sleep

And now I've been up for almost 2 hours

and even went out to the pharmacy 

surely now I am allowed back to bed?

(Although it may be a good idea to 

first put away the food I didn't prepare

in the kitchen)

Getting up is still difficult. 

Bodily, too: for some reason I keep having this <izomláz> almost every morning

regardless of my movements the day before

But mostly mentally

nothing to get up for

nothing worth the bother

I am reminded of P. Arrupe's(?) timeless words:

Nothing is more practical than

finding God, than

falling in Love

in a quite absolute, final way.

What you are in love with,

what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.

It will decide

what will get you out of bed in the morning,

what you do with your evenings,

how you spend your weekends,

what you read, whom you know,

what breaks your heart,

and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in Love, stay in love,

and it will decide everything.

on doubts & assurances

Two more cards came today

(and still at least one on its way)

it's so good to have some hope 

in front of the box every day

I went to my boss's home this afternoon

to have seder supper together

lead via Zoom by another pastor

it was a really nice time

we prepared the table together

and followed the "baptized" liturgy

I was actually glad to be there for once

instead of being at church

the Mass of The Last Supper is still

"too much like a mass"

this form brought it closer to me

and there was also a strong sense of community

Meanwhile tonight something came back

from what we talked about with the psychologist on Monday

about the fact that I can't imagine myself in a romantic relationship

(while now and then I can see myself as a mother, and it surprises me

because I always thought of these 

as marriage being the prerequisite 

for motherhood)

At first I thought it's because men come in all shapes and sizes

and so my mind has a hard time imagining one

but then I had been in romantic relationships

so I should have some idea

(and I haven't had a child so that's "unprecedented")

Later she said that it may be

that as a woman, I suffered such a break

that it blocks me 

while it isn't so much connected to my feelings about motherhood

It's an interesting theory, I can accept it easily

the question is what is there to do

(if anything can be done)

The massage must have been even more of a succes

than I thought

because I fell asleep earlier yesterday than I had for a long time (11:30ish) 

and (after a short pause around 8

which seemed too early to be up on a Sunday) 

went on sleeping till 11:30

But this also means that I am not sleepy tonight

especially since I am harbouring ambivalent feelings about the book club

for a time today I felt that I really should not force my choice of books on all these people

most of whom hated this second one vehemently

this impression was later somewhat mitigated

by a few remarks on how good it is to have the book club

but I am still unsure

I feel that this list provides a good starting point

and if it were just about recommendations

then we couldn't ever decide what to read

but it may well be just plain stunbornness on my part

clinging to my idea

(then again, isn't that the natural way when one has an idea?)

and then, perhaps even more importantly

I have to once again face the fact

that I am hopelessly inadequate in literature

which is still a shame

even if not a novelty

however, I guess I'd better make peace with it

(with myself, to expand the issue a bit(?!) more)

on a much better (socially distant) birthday

I had breakfast with N. on Thursday 

on a bus stop bench, nice and safe

(he had no idea about my birthday

which was cause for a good laugh)

 

I nearly fell asleep on adoration

then gave my other breakfast cookie/cake

to a beggar man in front of the church

then we went to watch buffalloes (and water birds and tiny water creatures :-))

with A. & the three kids

it was good fun

the sun was shining brightly all day long

In two days, not counting the aforementioned breakfast,

I’ve got cake from five people (the last two meant 1 cake, fortunately)

and at least a dozen cards and letters and emails from Tuesday on

so yes, voicing my needs seem to pay off

And today I even had a massage

to ease my pain of touchlessness

along similar lines

I can see a pattern here

upon waking I kind of look forward to the day 

all the things I can accomplish

but by the time I get out of the bed

it starts fading

and by the time I can actually sit down to work, it's gone

Weird, really

I am also more sensitive

to people not wanting/being able to meet me

though it seems I may just have been barking up the wrong trees

because others still seem quite keen

I met A. today for a half hour walk

and got two lovely cards

from Zs. in Fehérvár

and M. in Kecskemét

on losing touch

Today I felt fairly bad still

and couldn't find anyone to complain to

either I know too well how troubled they are already 

or I can't imagine them caring

or to the remaining few I've complained enough by now

but M. called (as an act of penance!)

and that's always good

and even Mum called

and played me Nada te turbe on the recorder (!)

and we had Faith & Light gathering

seriously, how do I dare call myself lonely?!

on this day

Well, it was a rush statement

that it was mostly over

today I woke around 10

had breakfast, amd lay back

till 3 (not sleeping)

then I dressed up

(feeling it too embarrassing to show up in pyjamas, even if only to Cs.)

and went on listening to radio drama

and playing on my phone

up to now.

I also had lunch from the freezer

ate a lot of cocoa powder (the sugary type, of course)

talked on the phone with A.

and on Skype with G. & A.

and learned quite a bit of Dutch.

That was my day.

And meanwhile I've been feeling bad 

for all the stuff I did not do

and also nicely reinforced

in my opinion 

that I am not good for anything.

Last night I talked with the inimitable P. (via Skype)

I cried a lot

but by this morning my doomstown visit was mostly over

I hate to admit but PMS might 

have played a mighty part... 

a shame on me, really, still stuffing my body

with empty carbohydrates

after all these times & experiences

I don't learn a thing

on existential dread

Basically, it comes down to these.

Life does not conform to my ideals.

However, I still cannot (would not) let go of them.

Life’s worth does not depend on its importance or effectiveness

or anything else. It is, therefore its existence is good.

However, I still cannot (would not) let go of my stupid notion 

that because it is not important, effective

or anything else, my life is wothless.

...

I shall try to hold on to that picture

how I could finally imagine the Father holding me

safely

warmly

unconditionally

If anything, this will help me through this.

 

on restlessness

Quaranteen, day 5 (and the last)

cabin fever

horrible state in the flat

(I started binding two long awaiting books

+ decluttering the kitchen closet

while not having vacuumed for a month or so)
and similarly bad state in my head

Last night was nasty

I was up till about 2:30

and spent quite a bit of it weeping

among feelings of use- and prospect-less-ness

I wonder if it is an early onset (?) midlife crisis

[which, I am told by Wikipedia, may not exist at all :-)]

or just the latest aftershock of the whole boring mess

I also exchanged an e-mail with Á. yesterday

having got a demand for payment from the insurance company

the flat’s insurance in on his name

and I asked him around September to cancel it in November

but as it happens, he didn’t

and neither payed the fee due in January

but at least did it now

 

In one way these occasions are useful reality checks

I tend to think that by leaving me, he must have solved all his life’s problems

but alas, at least I wasn’t the reason behind his procrastination

Yesterday I also started reading Modern Love

(the NYT column I desperately avoided till now)

with this piece

and went on today with this

not sure why (apart from the fact that I need to read a short story a day)

it aches

but still I feel drawn to them somehow

on freedom

With CLC on Friday

we talked about freedom

what we cling onto

what we wish we could let go of

and what we really can

I realised 

that my latest addiction is indeed my phone

and what I really can't let go of are my ideals

I am also horribly lonely

and not really good for/at anything

(or maybe I just had too many friends around

with different (and totally deserved) professional successes  

for one week)

I also watched a Danish documentary titled "A Married Couple"

about a young couple:

both the boy and the girl have Down syndrome

and they have a fascinating take on life, the world and everything

in part fully childlike

in part wise as old people

but always totally straight and honest

it was a delight to be part of their life

even if also heartwrenching at times

on going downward again

I'm not sure what happened (if anything)

but yesterday I got back home

from a nice walk&talk with A. and all the kids

feeling that I need a nap

from which I could hardly get up

and then spent the afternoon procrastinating 

and the evening amidst sad thoughts

of not being good for anything

I also practically stopped praying

also without any reason, it just happened

Yesterday my boss told me off for not working nearly enough

he was right, of course

I remembered the last time I was sent away from somewhere because of this

and was very much ashamed

So today I worked like the little angel

and it felt good, too

I hope I can keep up

Also, last night I dreamed of Á.

it was a long and chaotic dream

the situation was the real one

(he with her and I alone)

but we were at peace 

Last week when I came away from the psychologist

I seemed to see him on his bike at a crossroads

I even waved and smiled, in some sort of a daze

only to find when we passed each other that it wasn’t him

that was a peaceful "encounter", too

But I still can’t imagine that there will ever be anything

that would make the whole worthwhile 

on this and that

Lots of nice things happened lately 

I went through the guardianship office (?) phase yesterday

meaning that once I manage to decide, my way to adoption is open

After that, I sat down in the sun on Szent István Square

and at one point, R. appeared

whom I haven't seen for a long time

(maybe since last summer?!)

and we talked for an hour

I sent out a message to a girl last week

a second cousin of Á.

inquiring about the old relations in Transylvania

and she responded so very kindly

it was a joy to read

(besides, everyone is o.k.)

Today we had hamburger for lunch with B.

and sat on the swing bench afterwards

and watched a broadly smiling cocoa farmer in Ghana

telling us about fair trade

on the move

I came home to visit my parents

it's just as easy as it was at Christmas

I'm so glad

Today I drove to Pv.

to visit J. and see their long-built house

it was a great time

conversing about everything

and seeing her at home, with her husband and daughter 

My praying mood is pretty much gone

that's not such a happy thing

and driving was quite stressful

but in general, things are o.k.

Apart from sleep, I guess 

(3:50)

on things on the move

If you've been here for a few months

you won't be surprised

that my silence is a good sign again

I feel generally pretty good:

the name-change, 

the adoption-eligibility process,

the therapy, 

the talk with P. and lately with G.

all moved this and that

and while I still feel a bit unfaithful

to my ideals and "all I hold sacred"

I can sometimes shake it off 

with some vague feeling of 

"heck, I did what I could"

The days are longer, too

and brighter, and warmer

on an accidental(ly witnessed) sunrise

Some more sights like this

and I might even become a morning person

on the good priest

(I mean the proverbial one that learns till death)

Years ago I've got a psychological assessment

that stated (among a lot of other stuff)

that I am an extrovert without any hint of introversion whatsoever

this sounded very strange, given my general love for solitary employments

and occasional aversion towards new and/big groups of people

however, the pandemic is teaching me about myself

namely that can I lack people horribly

days are passing without any meaningful communication

(let alone skin contact...)

and I start feeling that this is what depresses me most

today, before I walked out to the fair,

I thought about asking N. to join me

but she's been working crazy-busy these last weeks

and most people need longer notice anyway

and my ideas get rejected usually anyway

so I couldn't make myself call her

and thus made certain that I won't have company...

It happens all too often

I long for connection but don't do the least for it

Here's to all those who still call me

thank you

on lacking vitality

I so don’t feel like doing anything

despite the wonderfully bright day outside

and the stuff to do inside

it took me a few hours to get out of bed

but back then I was not sad yet, just lazy

after another hour or so I even changed out of my pyjamas

had lunch

tech-supported two friends

listened to this and that

and meanwhile, all my energy left me 

I can’t really imaginge doing anything else than sleeping

however, I’ll make myself walk over to the water tower

and maybe even have a coffee and/or <kürtőskalács>

on being unfaithful

Today I remembered once again

that the fact that I am feeling significantly better than a year ago

proves that I am not faithful to my ideals

on P., the God-sent

Today I finally got to talk to P.

after way too long a time 

(Google Calendar tells me we last met in August!

I seem to remember something from autumn but it's unlikely that I'd have forgotten to put it on the calendar)

and quite a few stones fell off my heart 

[which is, of course, a saying unknown in English]

such a privilege to have someone to talk to

who embodies hope 

and is available on demand

such a grace

on flirtation

A sentence I'd never thought will ever leave 

[I have no idea about the tenses here] 

my mind:

all I wish for is some light flirtation

Troubles are that

it has a bad name (but do read this article or watch the video below it, and tell me that it isn't true!), and that

we know all too well

what became of my similar desire last year...

I could probably do other stuff

to feel more like a woman

like dress up and such

but I can't see anything else 

guaranteeing any instant gratification

people didn't notice my hair cut

and also, I just don't meet people

and stuff like that requires tiresome work

and I am lazy and demotivated

Today was a real drag

I didn’t feel like doing anything

procrastination, sadness, general blahh

However, A. called in the afternoon, and that was nice

and N. also volunteered to listen to me whining

and that helped a bit, too

Maybe I just lack people

BUT

I joined the Imagine prayer once again tonight

(after many missed sessions)

and it was lovely

I was reminded that the prophetess Anna’s life 

hadn’t quite gone the way she may have imagined

(being a wife for 7 and then a widow for about 50 years?!)

and yet she remained faithful

as was God, in all that (and "all that" of the Jews’ history)

In the end I even said hello to Steve H.

who seemed to be able to place me even after these 12 years

(I put JVC in the chatbox before but still)

and that felt realy nice, too

on daydreaming

Tonight I watched a lovely lecture

on designing a joyful home

and it started with imagining 

what you'd like your home to feel like

A week ago on CLC we worked with our dreams, too

And both times I had this disconcerting feeling

that I am hardly in touch with my dreams or desires

I could list a few dreams I had or maybe even have somewhere deep

but I have a very hard time trying to imagine them

and to imagine myself in them

I was never very good at fantasising

but I can't remember it being this hard

---

And there is something else, too

I feel as though I've used up all my faith in 2019

it kept me going, alive, and relatively sane back then

but it never replenished

and by now all my wheels and cogs are screeching

Looking back, the previous two weeks or so

were much like a crash course in self-kowledge...

I went ahead and swapped back my name

first at at the registrar

then online

and even started the official turns

I spent days munching on (or, well, procrastinating) the adoption papers

figured out why I was resisting it all so vehemently

(because I felt trapped by the circumstances)

and dodged this (by making sure that

I shall not be recommended a child until

I showed up with a very clear sign saying READY)

I filled in an MMPI (2-RF)

and spent an hour in a very good conversation with a psychologist

(who seemed quite certain that I am capable of the task ahead)

talked at length with a rarely-seen friend 

over lunch and coffee

had my hair cut

and my colour type analysed

dealt with unexpected news, 

reached out to someone I hardly know,

had the privilege of a vulnerable reply

and confessed myself an impostor

And on the less taxing side:

(besides these) in two weeks I attended 

an online retreat 

two delightful evenings of this little reading group

the first two of four Love Anyway workshops

two CLC gatherings

and the first sitting of my brand new book club

 

I am exhausted

but in that good, expectant way

on being an impostor

I think I have never felt this horrible this way

Today someone sent me a heartfelt thank you note

for something I’d done for a common friend

for entirely different, and indeed very selfish reasons

I considered confessing

but the nature of the case makes it impossible

And so now I am left with this gut-wrenching guilt

for abusing someone’s high regard for me

without a way out into honesty

(But at least it lead me to some very honest prayers)

on being a true winter

These, my friends, 

are the colours that suit me best

and alas, I used to wear many of them

in high school and on the university

Mum always steered me towards these, too

but at present it feels way too bold and bright and happy and devil-may-care

we'll see, we'll see

how long the "new year, new me" feel will last

The analysis was absolutely fun

I can only recommend it (and E. M.)

I hope the know-thyself part will be, too

a bit of experimenting 

probably wouldn't hurt

on the first bookclub session

I hereby declare the event a success

it wasn’t overly structured

and of course the book 

was one that hardly leaves anyone cold (The Bell Jar)

but still, ten people came together

and were quite active

had lots of opinions

and lots of fun

so yes, I imagined something like this

this far, I am happy

on L., again

The night before last
L. turned up in my dream again

we visited some zoo with a bunch of friends

chatting in English

up to the point of farewell

on which occasion L. chose to say a few sentences 

in close-to-perfect Hungarian

(and we hugged each other

as if it were the most natural thing in the world)

I can’t recall what he said

but it was certainly something nice

I had this vague warm feeling from the dream the whole day long

This morning I told him via WhatsApp

(well, except for the hugging part)

he laughed

and we started chatting as we didn’t lately

and at one point it turned out that he and S. broke up

which shook me

because they did look great

in fact the last (and only) reference 

I ever heard from L. to their relationship

was that it was "strong and healthy"

But then that was 1.5 years ago 

It’s a great pity on so many levels

the most practical being that 

I really hoped and wished to one day see their children

(keeping in mind that that may not have been their plan)

I obviously know nothing more

and will never, by all chances

but the metaphisical anxiety 

that every break-up makes me feel

is present nevertheless

on coming out

On Sunday I told two sets of people

about the name-reboot

and my intention to get a new adoption-eligibility paper

somehow both conversations 

turned to the dissolving of the sacramental marriage 

and eventually, I think, none of the 6 people said a single word

to the adoption part

Today I invited P. over for lunch

(he was there on Sunday)

and he told me that A. 

(whom she had told with my explicit permission)

"was glad for the news"

thinking that it was some 

forward-looking action on my part finally

I came home Sunday evening with serious doubts as to 

how good an idea it was 

to tell the second set of people

there and then

the mood certainly wasn’t one for deep talk

but then I was burning to tell them 

(at least the first part but someone inevitably asked the "why now")

Anyway, as time goes by, I feel less and less sure

about how good an idea the whole thing is

I procrastinated filling in the questionaire

(meaning that I couldn’t watch the online film club’s choice either)

and I still had to write the CV but I feel unable to do it

I wonder if the silence of my people contributed to it

or if it is my better judgement speaking from the depths

Funnily enough

my not-even-admitted-to-myself 

desires for intimacy

find a way to expression

in my dreams

and usually with the least appropriate people

there was a friend once whose girlfriend witnessed our spiralling madness

than a priest

and this time someone about twenty years my junior

(which at least is not downright immoral)

we were classmates(!) at some remote boarding school for acting(!!)

and I kept carrying a huge backpack

that was so heavy I could barely stand under its weight

there was also a huge waste disposal plant nearby

and once I sat in a (clean) garbage container

and was suddenly let lose as in a cable car

to rush towards its destination 

(a growing wall of trash as I remember now)

my life preserving instinct was awakened immedialtely

I held on to the rail as I could

than read the instructions on a sticker inside

showing how the container is not turned upside down in the end

and so it was

when I got back, the operator told me she did it on purpose

with some personal developmental experience in mind

though I can't recollect what exactly

on the weekend (more or less)

Yesterday I went for a hike

back from M. on the dam

no struggle with the elements this year

(two years ago snow actually froze on the front of our coats)

the weather was much like it was in 2017

2-3 degrees, I guess

obviously, there were other differences, too

back than we did it with Á.

and in 2018 with a bunch of friends

in the frame of an organised hike

whereas I was in my own now

except for my ever-obliging demons

I put away the phone for quite a while

and thought a lot 

though not very introspectivly

still, a few things cleared out a bit

like The Word

which is, without any doubt whatsoever

S P A C I O U S N E S S

I also tried to come up with ways to cultivate spaciousness*

such as

- taking walks

- climbing whatever I can for the view

- sky gazing from the balcony, maybe even in the morning

- leaving margins between stuff in my calendar

- getting up early (<ráérős> is in fact a close ralative of <tágas> in my mind)

- decluttering

- widening my heart for people and causes that have not interested me this far

- or doing the same with ideas

I also thought about lots of other issues

which will come up here, too, sooner or later

but which for now I'd rather keep secret

At home I lay down in the bathtub

very tired and very content

---

* Any input from you is welcome!

In the morning we had a looong work meeting

I didn’t quite get it all but it was o.k.

Before that I went to run a wee bit

the idea was that starting all over with that great plan 

might just get me hooked again

if it could once 

and alas, it turns out that I am nowhere near my peak fitness either

so starting from the beginning was indeed a good idea

I’ll see if I go again though

I am not very committed yet

(also, just saying I will makes me feel exhausted)

I spent the afternoon in a daze 

mostly from the lack of sleep, I guess

I procrastinated all I had to do

lost all my energy or mood to anything

couldn’t even get to watch tonight’s film (Groundhog Day)

and now I think I’ll try to sleep

and hopefully get up early enough tomorrow

to finish what I still have to

on searching, pt 3

The process has got into a very intuitive state
unsurprisingly, I am at a loss

I am inclined towards the passive an inward-focussed words

(like heart, ease, acceptance, safe, healing, gentleness, self-compassion)

but then I may just as well need activity and getting out of my head

(like flow, yes, real, or vitality would suggest)

and then there are the ones encompassing a lot:

spaciousness, whole, flow, embrace...

Anyway, no rush, I can easily sit a few more days with these

Today I finally tidied up and hoovered

(I had to, we’re going to have a work meeting here tomorrow)

(even washed my hair!)

which reminded me how naïve a hope it was

all through summer

that tidying up will be the breakthrough

I guess there is no breakthrough

or only in the wrong direction: 

trauma can work its destruction in a couple of days

but healing takes ages

on searching for The Word, pt 2

These are the ones I am pondering currently 
(note esp. the conflicting ones :-)):

• laughter
• vitality
• hope
• spaciousness
• ease 
• whole
• heart
• acceptance
• surrender
• restore
• flow
• wander
• yes
• safe
• wild
• real
• adventure
• healing
• gentleness
• (self-)compassion

 

on searching for The Word

Old habits are hard to kill, I guess

even amidst all the hopelessness

I found myself wondering about some motto for the year

(or, say, for the first half of it)

and so now I get an e-mail a day to help with the process 

Yesterday’s was about visualising my ideal day

as well as the general questions of

"What do I need more/less of?"

I thought I might as well scribble here 

a few key words that came up.

More: 

laughter

prayer

movement (inside and out)

energy/vitality

enthusiasm

contentment

hope

faith

creating

nature

femininity

spaciousness

intimacy

Less:

self-pity

distraction

numbness

laziness

sluggishness

despair

isolating

grinding effort

carbohydrates :-D

--------

Today’s questions are these:


— What is definitely happening in 2021?

?

— What are you hoping will happen in 2021?

...?
I should definitely take steps
toward annulling the church marriage

— What dreams would you like to nurture in the new year?

Still no idea...

— What area(s) of your life is/are asking to be supported in 2021?

Spirituality

mental health

bodily health (mostly in terms of prevention)

— What qualities do you want to develop in yourself?

Risk-taking

femininity

"flowiness" (like water: flowing around the obstacles

instead of fist-fighting them)

— What does your heart need?

Self-compassion
honest self-examination

and an update

to Pt 1:

Meanwhile on Moly other people’s lists inspired me 

with two > four! more first-time-this-year-s:

- have seen my dad with a beard

- have been taking medication for a whole year (and counting)

- could not go to church on a Sunday--for lack of a service near or far

- cooked quince cheese

on the year, pt 3 – People that...

​...made me happy:
my nephews who welcomed me with visible joy every time we met
friends reaching out to/for me
everyone who sent me anything by post

...made me grateful:
A. who showed up again and again despite all else on her plate

A. who asked me for help from time to time
M. who went out of his way to keep in touch this year

F., P. & H. who helped me loads with DIY jobs
G., my boss, who "lent" me trust in advance
all those at the forming fellowhip who accepted me

my parents for this light-hearted Christmas

...made me smile or laugh:
B.
E., my little goddaughter
MA, the other baby around

...made me feel curious, intrigued, challenged or just plain joyful through their work:
Michael Osterholm
Phoebe Judge
Grant Snider
Krista Tippett
Ann Voskamp 

Lore Ferguson Wilbert

on the year, pt 2 – Stuff that...

​...made me enthusiastic:
world travel/backpacking
urbexing
the new job
starting the book club

...made me happy:
that neat little romance in spring
a few play gatherings with lots of laughter
a few presents that I managed to chose with a lucky hand

...provided escape:
Friends (the series)
Harry Potter
GF Newman’s The Corrupted
the Neapolitan Quartet by Elena Ferrante
Endevour

...made me relax:
long hot baths
editing Moly.hu

...made me grow:
F&L?
the new job?

...I enjoyed:
Wooden Overcoats
Station Eleven
true crime podcasts (esp. Body on the Moor, Death in Ice Valley, and Criminal)
BBC Radio dramas & audio books
film club films (usually)
sending out the Christmas "cards"
cooking

walking a lot
The New York Times
The Guardian 

...made me sad/desperate:
marital crises and/or bad choices of friends
gun violence and police brutality in the U.S.
Trump
the political climate here in Hungary
my bleak future

my troubles with sleep

my reading crisis

...I missed:
travelling 
hiking 
intimacy on all its levels
some friends
pub nights
nice, tangible surprises 
God

on disappointment

I was planning some sort of a little get-together for tomorrow

to talk a bit about the ending year

and also inaugurate the new card set ("the little box of emotions")

but no one was interested (or available)

so in the end I gave up

and felt utterly disheartened

(even as I know it’s not personal)

and now I should do my own reflection

but of course I don’t

and if not that, I should at least sleep

to avoid repeating that horrible experience

when two weeks ago I almost fell asleep on adoration

but alas, the "all’s wrong" feeling has settled in

and now I need all my objectivity and willpower

to make myself go to bed

why 

why

why

on the year (pt 1?)

 I'd like to write some sort of a 

"this was 2020" post

but I resist the idea of introspection 

I feel that it can only bring on pain

(which may not even be true

but that makes no difference)

Today the usual

"and what was it that you have done

for the first time this year?"

post appeared on Moly

and it took me a long while to figure out

just two things:

- attended psychodrama (once...) and

- spent 5 whole days indoors while completely healthy (contact-quarantine)

This year has not been one when 

I'd have been particularly adventurous

(or indeed at all)

in many aspects my world is shrinking

it reminds me of the time when I used to run:

back than I felt invincible 

and now, utterly dejected 

I am paralysed even at the thought of jogging

on Christmas, continued

I got indigestion

though I really haven’t eaten that much

anyway, a night without dinner should cure it

Today we met up with E. and B. from high school

as well as their husbands and 3 / 4 children (respectively)

it was a lovely morning in Sze.

with bright sunshine

we talked and walked and looked at the nativity

In the afternoon I took the car (and Mum) for a ride

up the hill to Dk.

but I wasn’t the only one with that spot in mind –

there was practically a continuous stream of cars both ways

plus hundreds parking on top

I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many cars there

I wonder if they know that we’ll be locked up in the near future

or just happened to chose the same place for the first sunny day in ages

Being at home is still absolutely enjoyable

miracles won’t cease

on Christmas

(I wrote this two days ago, I think, just forgot to post somehow)

So far this is an unexpectedly nice Christmas

my parents are so light-hearted

I found myself wanting to hang out in their company

a thing I can't remember wishing to

Politics come up a bit too much

Mum's furious

My demons, of course, show up from time to time

the disappointment 

the rejection

I wonder if they'll ever leave on their own accord

because casting them off is not a pheasible option

And spiritually I am nowhere near Christ(mas), either

not that it was a surprise

on a productive day, for a change

I know I shouldn’t be proud of this

(as much as I shouldn’t feel bad for the opposite ones either)

but at one point today I realised that 

I’ve got almost everything done 

that I have[?] planned for today

All the Christmas "cards" are delivered

(actually I mailed those going farther last week)

I had a PCR test done and got a negative result

I got almost every present (though none wrapped yet)

and with the help of G. 

even the Faith & Light goody bags reached their recipients

and I had a Zoom talk with N. today

she is stranded in England which is bad

but there are nice things going on around her, too

which are, well, good

and I had mulled wine and cake with (another) N. today

he is about to move out to make space for T.’s girlfriend

and I had a long phone talk with B., too

(she’d been chasing me for a week or so...)

and I had an idea for a thematic post here 

but when and how to do it is yet unclear 

on some lazy days, again

Today I walked out to the mall

where the farmer/crafter market was 

too crowded to feel safe

and where the grocery store didn’t have my favourite muesli

(nor freezer bags for the hospital)

On the way back I mailed one sold book

and had a nice cappuccino ("drink out to help out”)

that I drank in front of a giant nativity scene on Széchenyi square

all the while pondering how it is

that this far I always felt the downtown Christmas fuss way too much

but now I miss it acutely

Later there was the Christmas gathering with the Faith & Light community

where I sang surprisingly self-consciously 

and consequently pretty falsely[?] for the first few beats

but other than this, it was nice as always

I listened to Obama’s reading of his (abridged) memoir 

that was is either very well written or very well edited

but I enjoyed it so much that it made me want to listen to the whole

(though I would probably not read it)

And now I am really sleepy 

but a few minutes ago when I finally closed the laptop

my mind was instantly back at all those toxic spirals

so I decided to open it up again, and write

The unimaginable is happening:

I am down to 1.5 jars of jam

I'll have to make an appeal to friends 

from more domestically inclined families...

Among the other stuff

on Monday I had a fabulous walk and chat

with a girl from the fellowship

we hit it off unexpectedly well

even though she must be 

at least 15 years younger 

and she reached out to me

which is a present in itself

(and my only chance these days)

The parliament is closing the doors

before single people wanting to adopt

which is outrageous 

it also makes me wonder if 

I should have applied

the answer is no, obviously,

yet it feels bad to think that 

I may not stand another chance at it

I listened to this podcast episode 

on Singleness & Sex

it made me wish to read Handle with Care

(I've been reading the author's blog for years)

and also made me realise

just how touch-deprived I am

on a joyous afternoon

This has been my most wonderful afternoon in a long time

First I went to have lunch with a nice young couple 

from the forming Calvinist fellowship where I work

there was great food and good conversation

nothing of the first-visit awkwardness

Afterwards four of us from the Faith & Light group gathered

for a white elephant present swap

which turned out to be hilarious even with so few people

I laughed more than I did in recent weeks, combined

and I will so do it with my friends once we can

on screens (in more than one sense)

(Well, one is rather screening but never mind that)

I’ve got a letter the other day

(not much after this, you may remember)

the public health office calling me to cervical screening

recommended apparently every 3 years

(which begs the question

"why on earth did I undergo it every year up to the last two?!"...

but more importantly)

I never knew we had this on social security

the (first and) last time I’ve got called in to this

was in Manchester, 12 years ago

And then, let me present you my studio:

where I spent hours today recording myself singing 

this spiritual 

it was actually quite good fun

though I have doubts as to my being cut out either

for solo singing or 

for singing into a camera...

we’ll see what becomes of the edited choir product.

on sleeping

Allowing that 28/11 was a measuring mistake (I went back to sleep after the alarm)

it still isn’t quite the ideal 

on adoration

This was a bit weird

I sat today at my appointed weekly hour of adoration

and found that the radio in my head

plays this song 

of all

It’s been the third week (of adoration; not this song)

and I have to get a hard grip on myself every time to set off 

I can’t sit with my feelings and thoughts

But today I remembered

that all through last(? – 2019) summer

adoration was the only time and place

where despair could not get hold of me

what an incomprehensible memory

This was also the spring/summer when I 

went to church almost daily, even for 7am

while nowadays I struggle to make myself go 

even on Sunday

how very oddly I work

***

On the brighter side [pun intended]

today I bought and set up a LED-light-strip

over the kitchen counter

and it’s fantastic

gutta cavat lapidem

Don't get me wrong

I am not near being desperate at present

but that age-old story somehow 

comes into my mind often

about the man who committed suicide

and signed his farewell letter

with the mocking name that a teacher called him at school once

The morale was to be careful with our tongue

because we never can know how others might be affected

As far as I can remember

I was always a bit sceptic toward the guy

so many things happen

how come that he remained so aware 

of that one degrading remark

These days, however, when

I find myself running the same circles

round and 

round

again and

again

I start to see what it means

to feel defined by a single event

as if it carved into me 

drop by 

drop

on this and that

I've got two cards in a week

lovely surprises

one from M. in K.

and one from N. & her family

right from Landau

The new pet has arrived, too

a slim, pretty white heater panel for the bathroom

totally programmable, it could even use wifi

(for no obvious purpose to me)

I hope it won't triple the electricity bill either

I got some more volunteer work, too

carrying leftover baked goods from a bakery to a hospital unit

one evening a week

maybe I could involve other people, too

B. sent an email today, telling mostly about how lonely she is

The book club starts to take shape

I am looking forward to it

And I am more anxious of sleep than ever

:D

I feel like complaining

but I can’t think of anything

that I wouldn’t have already covered here

on (not) caring for my body

Disclaimers:

A) This post may well be Too Much Information for some

B) I really am not proud of these

(though not too much ashamed either)

but it feels important to scribble them down

So I think I achieved some sort of a personal record

having had 18 days between two hair wash

it just wasn't important enough to bother

(the 15-16 degrees at the bathroom

aren't very conducive either

but help is on its way)

the previous time was when two guys came over to play

since then, work was the only reason to move out

(anywhere where I'd have to take my hat off anyway)

The last time I've had my hair cut

was in July last year

(for Á. -- as if...)

it's horribly split by now but I can't be bothered

My calves (?) are proper winter-sleep hairy

The last time I wore a dress/skirt must have been

in September or early October

(apart from the theater)

And what may be even more interesting

I can't be bothered with health checks either

(not that I had any indications 

or even family history to make them 

any more important than for the avarege)

To be honest, it isn't a bad lifestyle

It's pretty cheap (no shampoo, no doctor)

and quite greeen (though what I win in water comsumption on the rare hair washing, I lose twice on full-tub baths... but at least it's with less chemicals)

and even relieves me of a lot of stress (anybody having fun at the dermatologist? dentist? gynecologist...? Nooo?!)

On the other hand

I guess it doesn't make me very marketable

neither does it feel particularly elating

but for the time being

this is mine

and embracing it still requires less effort

than fighting it would

AND I really do brush my teeth every night

and isn't that the foundation of all...?

...

This. Is. It.

I am dead tired, yet unable to move to the bed.

Last night I slept at my nephews-nieces place,

and really did try to sleep half past midnight, and I couldn’t.

However, I woke up at 6:10 this morning

and couldn't go back to sleep

which is unheard of.

So it really isn’t going the way it should

I guess ... running could be the answer

but I still feel pity for Present Me

more than I feel compassion for Future Me

on advent, vol 2

I forgot the last time
just why I started that post
the advent calendar 

was such a significant part
of my childhood Decembers
mum even got round to send it to me
for years during university 

Á. wasn't very keen on it
pretty much refused to take part the last year or two

which hurt
but having no-one even to ask
probably hurts still more
the world is deprived 
of magic
of surprises 
(though of the awful ones, too
admittedly)

on advent

This evening we took a walk with the Calvinist women’s club :-)

in the centre to bask a bit in the festive lights

(apparently there isn’t even Christmas market this year)

it turned out that one of the girls had 

my ex-mother-in-law for class master for six years 

it was a bit strange to hear but all in all I’m glad she decided to tell me

I still have no wreath

but I did start the everyday retreat (just two days late)

and even managed not to listen to anything up to 6pm today

(well, I did wake at 11am but that 

must have been some sort of a time portal at work...)

Meanwhile I finally set about organising the book club 

without crowds of enthusiasts so far 

but once we reach about 12, I’ll just start

And I am considering taking up unskilled nursing at the hospital