the one on New Years' Eve

Eventually I've got a half-hearted invitation
(it's probably more of under-organisation than half-heartedness)
but if I think back on this year
my heart sinks
and if I think of the coming one
it sinks even farther.
So no
I really don't need happy-clappy people around me
living more or less the life they wish to
and they don't need me there either.

But
I got rid of the double bed this morning
a friend took it apart and home as long as it sells
I can so feel the Someone Else's Problem shield on it from this moment

I took the divorce paper from the post office
and had a surprisingly enjoyable lunch with N.
followed by a not too good mulled wine on Dóm Square

And then my last set plan for the day
was to kill myself off Facebook
but it cannot be
because from yesterday on (!)
there is no way to register with only a phone number
so deactivation it has to be
as appealing as deletion would be.

the one on "Friends"

My most pathetic

and at the same time 

most enjoyable

holiday night (and day) ever:

binge-watching Friends (for about 12 hours or so. So far).

And it counts as catching up on some long awaiting cult-movies! It comes up fairly often in pub quiz.

Yesterday I also got to try
the new 

proper
non-stopping IC train

that really did manage it in 2 hrs and 2 mins.

And, speaking of trying new stuff

tonight I took a whole piece of med #2

along with about 4 cl of liquor--

but nothing interesting seems to come of it. :-(

Next time I won't have an oily dinner beforehand.
(UPDATE: Apparently I needed quite a few
pills to get a noticeable kick.
Too bad, for the rest of my stock is
badly needed
for its original purpose.)

on the second day of Christmas

We arrived to Pomaz safe & sound

I didn't spend more than two hours upstairs

crying & wishing my life away

sent out a few desperate e-mails and messages

ate way too much

got some quite wonderful presents:

two mugs, a sugar bowl and a boiler pot (?) from the same set of which I already have a honey pot and a mug;

two pairs of lovely pyjamas;

a Paperblanks diary (this, as well as one set of PJs, quite accidentally)

I wonder if ever I'll feel as though my life was worth capturing

in such a beautiful journal

designed for eternity.

(Here I can wail and whatnot--this is just a line of 0s and 1s

but there...!)

Be full of Life

Life moves. It shakes.
It grows from the Holy Spirit’s desire to fill everything,
to make everything fertile,
and to become flesh in everything.

Life wants to break the hardness of stones,
to water the parched earth,
and heal the sick heart.

God wants to enter our history
as water enters a sponge.
In the hardness of the world
God goes mining one by one
the stones of our history.

With a time and patience different from ours.
God sees every answer in a woman's heart.
She says yes!
God comes into the world
in something as sudden as childbirth.

God weaves life
even through our cracks and reserves.
The God of life becomes flesh,
breaking our aridity.

In the middle of the night
the Spirit of God opens up and flows into our lives.
Inviting us, Jesuits and Friends:
to show the way to God;
to walk side by side with the poor and excluded;
to accompany by creating future and hope for young people;
to collaborate in the care of our Common Home

This is how, at Christmas,
God continues giving us a new Spirit,
removing our heart of stone,
and filling us with a new life
that beats and flows in the world
with a heart of flesh.

José de Pablo SJ

on Christmas

Yesterday in the morning
I was agonising again
then had a tea, a coffee and a lively chat
with A.
in English, as part of an exam preparation for her
and in the end I felt better

The afternoon was fun, doing all the angel-stuff
with my sister-in-law and goddaughter
we got to the nativity play just a little late
came home together
sang, prayed, opened the presents
ate
played Concept, and laughed out loud
went to the midnight mass with my nieces

and then I woke up
and couldn't fall back to sleep
and there made the mistake of taking a sleeping pill.
I then slept till about 11
ate a way too sweet "breakfast"
and fell to bed once again
only to have feverish fits of sleep
all the while thinking that I shouldn't
because I won't be able to sleep tonight.

I got up finally around 3
in a state of stupor
out of touch with everything.

To make matters worse
I am constipated
and worrying increasingly about going home tomorrow.
Not being still feels a lot more appealing
than this state of life.

on insecurity

Today I had to drive
surely less than a km one way
(and then back)
I was completely stressed out by it
nothing happened, of course
but it was a great example
of just how totally insecure I am in,
like, everything.

A few hours later I got a reply from the translation agency
telling me that after evaluating the orthography tests
they would like to call me in to an interview
whose time we can discuss in January.
It didn't stir much feeling in me
it's good to know that I still know
how to write properly (the only thing with which I ever won any competition, come to think of it)
but if it were an option, I'd skip the whole thing
(as T. did back in our university time with her exams, come to think of it)
I absolutely cannot picture myself succeeding
(in this or in anything else)
but then I still have about two weeks
pigs might fly

But at least I start having some notion on why I must have been left
really, I am not viable
how on earth do I expect to be suffered
let alone loved?!

on the same stuff

This starts to feel like virtual littering
or "emotional incontinence"
but at least here I don't bombard a concrete person
that should be a bit of a mitigation
I hope

Anyway(s)
things look bleaker than ever
I know I've said that (many times) before
but so it is
I was crying a lot today
mostly at church
(not loudly, just with that distorted face)
I actually spent something like half an hour
fully believing that if God loved me
he'd have had me killed long before
or at least have very soon
than somehow the absurdity of it dawned on me
but I am light years from really trusting Him
all I can honestly say is that I would like to want to trust
(analogue to the "Do you desire ti desire?" question)
I admire those before me
who in similar situations
bowed their heads and acknowledged
God's authority over
all
things
inculding
illness
depression
anxiety
and so on
I admire them but as it turnes out
I don't have a half of their faith
and so I collapse

 (Here I collapsed into bed last night.)

Ismét December

Birtokba venni miért kívánjam
e meddő és sötét időt? E nyirkos és
villanyfények között imbolygó délutánban
kinek érzékei ne sejtenék meg az év
legmélyebb pontját – a várakozás idejét,
az átmenetét? A közt vagy átjárót két ismeretlen
tér közt… A vonulást a kiszáradt medren át.
Az üzletek fölött, fenyőgallyak közé fűzötten
mezítelen villanyégők világolnak a ködben,
melynek sem centrumát, sem szilárd
partját nem érezni. Érzékeim is alacsony lángra csavartan
égnek. Miért akarjam
lángba borítani e homályos téli órát,
az alkonyét? E szétfolyó időt, amely sem
vágyát a szívnek, sem örömét az elmének, sem elragadtatását
a léleknek nem ismeri? Szélbe vetetten
az ellenállás nélküli közegben
elúsznak tetteim. A hídon, a fekete víz felett,
ritkítva a ködöt, a sárga kandeláberek
lobbantják föl a szél testét. Ki mint folyóba fog
lépni a mi időnkbe, majd a sötéten
áradó, vízszagú szélben
érez először önmagára. Most
nincs tárgya még a vágynak. Várakozz…

(Rakovszky Zsuzsa)

on sadness, for a change

Anything I do
is just an attempt at escaping
the pain that's eating me away.
I guess I should give in to it
whatever that may mean
resistance is futile, that's clear enough by now
maybe acceptance would do the trick
although at present I can only imagine it
as death.

on the afternoon & evening

After the church cleaning
I had a coffee with A.
at which I forgot to ask her something important
but I only came to realise it afterwards
otherwise it was great
I am so grateful for her
(and we actually sat outside
the weather's crazy!)

Then I walked home
bought a (charitable) used book on the way at the library
on botanical gardens in Hungary
would be nice to start ticking off the ones I've been to
they invariably make me happy
(do I want to be happy?)

I found the plant stand
which I had to leave in the cellar two days ago
not having my keys on myself
and I even screwed it up together
(with lots of useless work on the way, of course)
and it's quite pretty

And then I went to help Sz. with the moving
and by the time I got there, I felt exhausted
just wishing to lay down to sleep and never wake up
not sure about the reason but maybe there is no reason
and she was very downcast, too
but somehow it didn't worsen my state
we even managed to do a bit of packing
I try to concentrate on the notion that I was a bit useful to her
but I came home feeling that I haven't done anything for Christmas.

And then the "Betlehem players" came
a lot of them
they were cute
especially the boy with Down syndrome – I really regret that I didn't introduce myself to him.

on church floors, again

This morning I helped cleaning out the Franciscan church
all the while musing that alas, I became one of the worthy old and lonely matrons
who do this
which is of course nowhere near true
yet this was my subconscious view
that people who have others to take care of
have no time for this.

At the same time though
while I was mourning my chance of a hectic Christmas with (my own) children
I also felt part of something bigger
as I was mopping the stone floor
made shiny (and slippery)
by the feet of the (local amd visiting) faithful
of half a millennium.
That church will hopefully be there
to proclaim the glory of God
long after I am gone and forgotten.

on meetings and other stuff

Yesterday I visited M. in K.
along with her smallest son
our godson
they were both very nice
and we managed to have a quite even conversation
in which we both
shared about ourselves
and listened to each other
it was a bit of a change, and definitely a good one.

Today I visited Gy.
just two streets away
met her smallest daughter
my namesake
they were both very nice
and we managed to have a quite good conversation
despite the fact that the last time we did so
must have been about four or five (and possibly more) years ago
I hope it won't be so much till the next time.

Meanwhile I keep doing the hard but necessary stuff
on Tuesday I sent off a Christmas and farewell card to my (former) parents-in-law
today I walked along a street on which I never dared walk since spring
because of the memories attached to it
I don't think that these help
but maybe prevent some further deterioration
and in fact help isn't the point either--
they feel like non-negotiables
like duties
like putting one foot in front of the other
whether I like it or not.

I also started listening to Oliver Twist
I need to listen to each chapter 1.5-2 times on average to get them
(mostly because I don't pay enough attention)
but all in all I think I like it (a great reader, needless to say).

on motor riding and cinema

Motorcycling yesterday was fun
less fun than last time
(novelty wears off?)
but still pretty good
and it also gave me the feeling that
I did something for myself

Afterwards I had a look
at the reopened cinema
it's nice and clean and new
but not completely finished yet
and very sterile, no decoration or such anywhere
just the bare walls.
My appetite for the cinema was whetted nevertheless
(much as it is every winter
somehow my visits peak in January each year
there seem to be better films on screen
and less other anything to do)
but this year I should definitely opt for a free month of Netflix instead
a pity that I somehow never can get beyond one film during the whole month
and not even so far in some cases.

on feeling badly, mostly

No one showed up (of those whom I invited)
but the concert was nice anyway
(and we had a last rehearsal at the time of the mass)
although I was close to tears
both on the way there
and back

I was wondering if it is proportionate
to the "punch" of the morning
and of course it isn't
it's just that I am like the castle
built from playing cards
you may give me the slightest flick
on any side
and I just collapse
(too bad Mum has no idea about this)

Anyway
I got home
only a bit sad that no one came
and yet very dejected all in all
then I took half a pill
was given a few gingerbread star towers to decorate
had a few words on my how-being with my sister-in-love
discussed the Holy Land with my brother
and had some almond liquor
and now, laying in the bath tub
life feels a bit more bearable again

At least I started feeling like motorcycling tomorrow
I was tempted to cancel my attendance
and just stay in bed for the day
(though I'm fairly sure that my brother wouldn't have left me--one extra point for moving home :-D)
as someone depressed ought to stay
I started having a few other symptoms signalling in that direction, too
like I have fewer and fewer answers
for the question "what would you enjoy, what do you desire right now?"
and also less and less interest in having an answer.

I also have this horribly tangled relationship with my friends
in my head
where I say no one's reaching out to me
but I do absolutely nothing
to reach out to them
and discount those cases when someone does call me.
Today A. called
whom I greeted on the fly this morning
when I arrived to the clinic
and also Gy.
who never answered my circulars
but showed up on the mass
with all three of their kids
and about two weaks ago sent me a text
saying let's meet
and so on Friday I'll visit her
and tomorrow the motor ride with B.
and he also wrote to me about the concert (coincided with the office Christmas party)
but then he was the only one to do that
and there is still silence around New Year's eve
over which it is totally crazy for me to be upset
since I don't intend to attend anyway
but upset I am

and all in all I really am not surprised
that people are fed up with my moaning
(that may have contributed to the happenings at therapy, too)
I should be glad for their patient listening this far

on being stuck

For the first time today
I left therapy with the feeling that
either I am being seen as stupid
or I am stupid
there was no resolution in the end
and now I feel worse than before.

I watch Christmas approaching
in some kind of a resignation
as something unavoidable
not good and not terrible
I could very well go on without it
and the whole festive whatever
and just skip from 23 Dec to 2 Jan
though that will be 2020
terrifying

Anyway, I wrote the first batch of cards last night
they certainly won't arrive on time
and in one case I'm unsure if it will ever reach the recipient
but at least that much I've done
to keep up the appearance of normality
otherwise about no preparations
no presents
no plans
no purpose
just a sense of emptiness.

I am also horribly tired
and just plain sad
and don't feel like walking a good half hour
to our choir concert
and then back
but I did invite a few people
and if they showed up, it wasn't nice on my part not to
though there may well be no one (known to me)
anyway, singing does me good
but I may skip the mass before it.

on perception

After two days of coming and going
up and down
this way and that
crowds everywhere (though not really horrible ones)
people shopping and taking photos galore
and buzzing all around

what came closest to me in Jerusalem
was the Western wall
(the "weeping" one as I'd call it)
which doesn't have much to do with Jesus
but where
probably for the first time in my life
I've seen a great many people
observing the rituals of another world religion
and that touched me deeply
seeing all those girls and women
with their books
in their very modest clothes
(even in colours--I've hardly seen other than black, grey, brown or dark green*)
praying so very earnestly
some moving their upper bodies
some close to dancing
some almost in tears

that was an amazing experience

totally different from the rest of the places
where the centuries and denominations
have all left their marks
and meanwhile the places became
something very far removed
from their original

this is indeed the primate of the simulacrum
the pictures and films seemed more real
more authentic

but in fact that had its own meaning too
I found myself amazed by the sheer amount of people
pilgrims and tourists
who came to these holy places before me
throughout the ages
whose soles and knees made the stone floors shiny (and slippery)
and who all left their marks
while the places became
something so far removed
from their original

* Neither on cars or walls, the whole city is kind of colourless

on my time here

I am dead tired
of the 2x2 hours of sleep the night before  last
and of all the stimuli
coming with a totally foreign culture
and 40ish people buzzing constantly
I am not very good with them, in addition
I should probably be more patient
when the last one wants to make their 476th selfie
and stays a hundred meters behind the rest
thus disabling the radio thingy
in which I would so like to hear the guide

And now I fear sleep
as I do at home
that's the most important reason
behind my screwed-up circadian rhythm
in some strange way I fear sleep
or my semi-conscious mind
not sure why
but I rather stay up
as long as I am able
doing anything
so usually I would keep listening to or reading anything
as long as it falls out of my hand
and only then would I realise that I have to pee
after which I would again need the same ritual avoidance

on my way, again

This time to the airport
for a part-work pilgrimage
in Jerusalem and Bethlehem

I am not prepared
and feel guilty for it
along with some anxiety over my general ability
to accompany a group of people
my self-confidence is hitting rock-bottom
(it hasn't been much better for at least a year now)
I wonder what would have to happen
to convince me that I may be able to do things
and do them well
anyway, if nothing else, at least my English is excellent
and with that I may be of some help to the pilgrims

I am curious also, naturally
never been to those parts
I am curious of the general feel of the Middle East
(though I'm sure there isn't really a "general feel" to the whole)
and of course about the places
where Jesus walked while he walked on earth

I hope God will reveal a bit of themself[?]
there, too

on money matters

So it has come to this
I was pretty careless with my money in recent weeks
if I am honest, I am not used to being frugal
(and hate being miserly)
and now I start wondering how to go on
not much income visible on the horizon yet
I'm not too worried (yet?)
I really felt no deprivation so far
if not that of letting go of some greater-scale plans (such as a new laptop or improving the flat)
but I'm still better off than many a better person

still, money matters.

on grieving

There is something horrifying
in the way how small things
(like filling the bath tub)
remind me of how things used to be
and more times than not
how I should have done
differently

For a few weeks now
the question on therapy was
"how do you feel, react
when emotional support ceases"
I spoke last week
one word card I chose said fear
and I can't even remember the others
they weren't very good ones
I couldn't really choose
anyway
the psychologist at the end looked at me
and said: "Fortunately making atonement was not among your cards"
I smiled and replied something like "no, it wasn't"
and wondered why he keeps coming up with stuff like that

Today we gave each other messages
from words and pictures
and yet again
somebody gave me the card to forgive
(actually it was the girl who told me
to forgive myself after my very first sharing)

and after the retreat
and my moving round and round
and my remorse over, like, anything and everything

it starts to make sense