on daydreaming

Tonight I watched a lovely lecture

on designing a joyful home

and it started with imagining 

what you'd like your home to feel like

A week ago on CLC we worked with our dreams, too

And both times I had this disconcerting feeling

that I am hardly in touch with my dreams or desires

I could list a few dreams I had or maybe even have somewhere deep

but I have a very hard time trying to imagine them

and to imagine myself in them

I was never very good at fantasising

but I can't remember it being this hard

---

And there is something else, too

I feel as though I've used up all my faith in 2019

it kept me going, alive, and relatively sane back then

but it never replenished

and by now all my wheels and cogs are screeching

Looking back, the previous two weeks or so

were much like a crash course in self-kowledge...

I went ahead and swapped back my name

first at at the registrar

then online

and even started the official turns

I spent days munching on (or, well, procrastinating) the adoption papers

figured out why I was resisting it all so vehemently

(because I felt trapped by the circumstances)

and dodged this (by making sure that

I shall not be recommended a child until

I showed up with a very clear sign saying READY)

I filled in an MMPI (2-RF)

and spent an hour in a very good conversation with a psychologist

(who seemed quite certain that I am capable of the task ahead)

talked at length with a rarely-seen friend 

over lunch and coffee

had my hair cut

and my colour type analysed

dealt with unexpected news, 

reached out to someone I hardly know,

had the privilege of a vulnerable reply

and confessed myself an impostor

And on the less taxing side:

(besides these) in two weeks I attended 

an online retreat 

two delightful evenings of this little reading group

the first two of four Love Anyway workshops

two CLC gatherings

and the first sitting of my brand new book club

 

I am exhausted

but in that good, expectant way

on being an impostor

I think I have never felt this horrible this way

Today someone sent me a heartfelt thank you note

for something I’d done for a common friend

for entirely different, and indeed very selfish reasons

I considered confessing

but the nature of the case makes it impossible

And so now I am left with this gut-wrenching guilt

for abusing someone’s high regard for me

without a way out into honesty

(But at least it lead me to some very honest prayers)

on being a true winter

These, my friends, 

are the colours that suit me best

and alas, I used to wear many of them

in high school and on the university

Mum always steered me towards these, too

but at present it feels way too bold and bright and happy and devil-may-care

we'll see, we'll see

how long the "new year, new me" feel will last

The analysis was absolutely fun

I can only recommend it (and E. M.)

I hope the know-thyself part will be, too

a bit of experimenting 

probably wouldn't hurt

on the first bookclub session

I hereby declare the event a success

it wasn’t overly structured

and of course the book 

was one that hardly leaves anyone cold (The Bell Jar)

but still, ten people came together

and were quite active

had lots of opinions

and lots of fun

so yes, I imagined something like this

this far, I am happy

on L., again

The night before last
L. turned up in my dream again

we visited some zoo with a bunch of friends

chatting in English

up to the point of farewell

on which occasion L. chose to say a few sentences 

in close-to-perfect Hungarian

(and we hugged each other

as if it were the most natural thing in the world)

I can’t recall what he said

but it was certainly something nice

I had this vague warm feeling from the dream the whole day long

This morning I told him via WhatsApp

(well, except for the hugging part)

he laughed

and we started chatting as we didn’t lately

and at one point it turned out that he and S. broke up

which shook me

because they did look great

in fact the last (and only) reference 

I ever heard from L. to their relationship

was that it was "strong and healthy"

But then that was 1.5 years ago 

It’s a great pity on so many levels

the most practical being that 

I really hoped and wished to one day see their children

(keeping in mind that that may not have been their plan)

I obviously know nothing more

and will never, by all chances

but the metaphisical anxiety 

that every break-up makes me feel

is present nevertheless

on coming out

On Sunday I told two sets of people

about the name-reboot

and my intention to get a new adoption-eligibility paper

somehow both conversations 

turned to the dissolving of the sacramental marriage 

and eventually, I think, none of the 6 people said a single word

to the adoption part

Today I invited P. over for lunch

(he was there on Sunday)

and he told me that A. 

(whom she had told with my explicit permission)

"was glad for the news"

thinking that it was some 

forward-looking action on my part finally

I came home Sunday evening with serious doubts as to 

how good an idea it was 

to tell the second set of people

there and then

the mood certainly wasn’t one for deep talk

but then I was burning to tell them 

(at least the first part but someone inevitably asked the "why now")

Anyway, as time goes by, I feel less and less sure

about how good an idea the whole thing is

I procrastinated filling in the questionaire

(meaning that I couldn’t watch the online film club’s choice either)

and I still had to write the CV but I feel unable to do it

I wonder if the silence of my people contributed to it

or if it is my better judgement speaking from the depths

Funnily enough

my not-even-admitted-to-myself 

desires for intimacy

find a way to expression

in my dreams

and usually with the least appropriate people

there was a friend once whose girlfriend witnessed our spiralling madness

than a priest

and this time someone about twenty years my junior

(which at least is not downright immoral)

we were classmates(!) at some remote boarding school for acting(!!)

and I kept carrying a huge backpack

that was so heavy I could barely stand under its weight

there was also a huge waste disposal plant nearby

and once I sat in a (clean) garbage container

and was suddenly let lose as in a cable car

to rush towards its destination 

(a growing wall of trash as I remember now)

my life preserving instinct was awakened immedialtely

I held on to the rail as I could

than read the instructions on a sticker inside

showing how the container is not turned upside down in the end

and so it was

when I got back, the operator told me she did it on purpose

with some personal developmental experience in mind

though I can't recollect what exactly

on the weekend (more or less)

Yesterday I went for a hike

back from M. on the dam

no struggle with the elements this year

(two years ago snow actually froze on the front of our coats)

the weather was much like it was in 2017

2-3 degrees, I guess

obviously, there were other differences, too

back than we did it with Á.

and in 2018 with a bunch of friends

in the frame of an organised hike

whereas I was in my own now

except for my ever-obliging demons

I put away the phone for quite a while

and thought a lot 

though not very introspectivly

still, a few things cleared out a bit

like The Word

which is, without any doubt whatsoever

S P A C I O U S N E S S

I also tried to come up with ways to cultivate spaciousness*

such as

- taking walks

- climbing whatever I can for the view

- sky gazing from the balcony, maybe even in the morning

- leaving margins between stuff in my calendar

- getting up early (<ráérős> is in fact a close ralative of <tágas> in my mind)

- decluttering

- widening my heart for people and causes that have not interested me this far

- or doing the same with ideas

I also thought about lots of other issues

which will come up here, too, sooner or later

but which for now I'd rather keep secret

At home I lay down in the bathtub

very tired and very content

---

* Any input from you is welcome!

In the morning we had a looong work meeting

I didn’t quite get it all but it was o.k.

Before that I went to run a wee bit

the idea was that starting all over with that great plan 

might just get me hooked again

if it could once 

and alas, it turns out that I am nowhere near my peak fitness either

so starting from the beginning was indeed a good idea

I’ll see if I go again though

I am not very committed yet

(also, just saying I will makes me feel exhausted)

I spent the afternoon in a daze 

mostly from the lack of sleep, I guess

I procrastinated all I had to do

lost all my energy or mood to anything

couldn’t even get to watch tonight’s film (Groundhog Day)

and now I think I’ll try to sleep

and hopefully get up early enough tomorrow

to finish what I still have to

on searching, pt 3

The process has got into a very intuitive state
unsurprisingly, I am at a loss

I am inclined towards the passive an inward-focussed words

(like heart, ease, acceptance, safe, healing, gentleness, self-compassion)

but then I may just as well need activity and getting out of my head

(like flow, yes, real, or vitality would suggest)

and then there are the ones encompassing a lot:

spaciousness, whole, flow, embrace...

Anyway, no rush, I can easily sit a few more days with these

Today I finally tidied up and hoovered

(I had to, we’re going to have a work meeting here tomorrow)

(even washed my hair!)

which reminded me how naïve a hope it was

all through summer

that tidying up will be the breakthrough

I guess there is no breakthrough

or only in the wrong direction: 

trauma can work its destruction in a couple of days

but healing takes ages

on searching for The Word, pt 2

These are the ones I am pondering currently 
(note esp. the conflicting ones :-)):

• laughter
• vitality
• hope
• spaciousness
• ease 
• whole
• heart
• acceptance
• surrender
• restore
• flow
• wander
• yes
• safe
• wild
• real
• adventure
• healing
• gentleness
• (self-)compassion

 

on searching for The Word

Old habits are hard to kill, I guess

even amidst all the hopelessness

I found myself wondering about some motto for the year

(or, say, for the first half of it)

and so now I get an e-mail a day to help with the process 

Yesterday’s was about visualising my ideal day

as well as the general questions of

"What do I need more/less of?"

I thought I might as well scribble here 

a few key words that came up.

More: 

laughter

prayer

movement (inside and out)

energy/vitality

enthusiasm

contentment

hope

faith

creating

nature

femininity

spaciousness

intimacy

Less:

self-pity

distraction

numbness

laziness

sluggishness

despair

isolating

grinding effort

carbohydrates :-D

--------

Today’s questions are these:


— What is definitely happening in 2021?

?

— What are you hoping will happen in 2021?

...?
I should definitely take steps
toward annulling the church marriage

— What dreams would you like to nurture in the new year?

Still no idea...

— What area(s) of your life is/are asking to be supported in 2021?

Spirituality

mental health

bodily health (mostly in terms of prevention)

— What qualities do you want to develop in yourself?

Risk-taking

femininity

"flowiness" (like water: flowing around the obstacles

instead of fist-fighting them)

— What does your heart need?

Self-compassion
honest self-examination

and an update

to Pt 1:

Meanwhile on Moly other people’s lists inspired me 

with two > four! more first-time-this-year-s:

- have seen my dad with a beard

- have been taking medication for a whole year (and counting)

- could not go to church on a Sunday--for lack of a service near or far

- cooked quince cheese

on the year, pt 3 – People that...

​...made me happy:
my nephews who welcomed me with visible joy every time we met
friends reaching out to/for me
everyone who sent me anything by post

...made me grateful:
A. who showed up again and again despite all else on her plate

A. who asked me for help from time to time
M. who went out of his way to keep in touch this year

F., P. & H. who helped me loads with DIY jobs
G., my boss, who "lent" me trust in advance
all those at the forming fellowhip who accepted me

my parents for this light-hearted Christmas

...made me smile or laugh:
B.
E., my little goddaughter
MA, the other baby around

...made me feel curious, intrigued, challenged or just plain joyful through their work:
Michael Osterholm
Phoebe Judge
Grant Snider
Krista Tippett
Ann Voskamp 

Lore Ferguson Wilbert

on the year, pt 2 – Stuff that...

​...made me enthusiastic:
world travel/backpacking
urbexing
the new job
starting the book club

...made me happy:
that neat little romance in spring
a few play gatherings with lots of laughter
a few presents that I managed to chose with a lucky hand

...provided escape:
Friends (the series)
Harry Potter
GF Newman’s The Corrupted
the Neapolitan Quartet by Elena Ferrante
Endevour

...made me relax:
long hot baths
editing Moly.hu

...made me grow:
F&L?
the new job?

...I enjoyed:
Wooden Overcoats
Station Eleven
true crime podcasts (esp. Body on the Moor, Death in Ice Valley, and Criminal)
BBC Radio dramas & audio books
film club films (usually)
sending out the Christmas "cards"
cooking

walking a lot
The New York Times
The Guardian 

...made me sad/desperate:
marital crises and/or bad choices of friends
gun violence and police brutality in the U.S.
Trump
the political climate here in Hungary
my bleak future

my troubles with sleep

my reading crisis

...I missed:
travelling 
hiking 
intimacy on all its levels
some friends
pub nights
nice, tangible surprises 
God

on disappointment

I was planning some sort of a little get-together for tomorrow

to talk a bit about the ending year

and also inaugurate the new card set ("the little box of emotions")

but no one was interested (or available)

so in the end I gave up

and felt utterly disheartened

(even as I know it’s not personal)

and now I should do my own reflection

but of course I don’t

and if not that, I should at least sleep

to avoid repeating that horrible experience

when two weeks ago I almost fell asleep on adoration

but alas, the "all’s wrong" feeling has settled in

and now I need all my objectivity and willpower

to make myself go to bed

why 

why

why

on the year (pt 1?)

 I'd like to write some sort of a 

"this was 2020" post

but I resist the idea of introspection 

I feel that it can only bring on pain

(which may not even be true

but that makes no difference)

Today the usual

"and what was it that you have done

for the first time this year?"

post appeared on Moly

and it took me a long while to figure out

just two things:

- attended psychodrama (once...) and

- spent 5 whole days indoors while completely healthy (contact-quarantine)

This year has not been one when 

I'd have been particularly adventurous

(or indeed at all)

in many aspects my world is shrinking

it reminds me of the time when I used to run:

back than I felt invincible 

and now, utterly dejected 

I am paralysed even at the thought of jogging

on Christmas, continued

I got indigestion

though I really haven’t eaten that much

anyway, a night without dinner should cure it

Today we met up with E. and B. from high school

as well as their husbands and 3 / 4 children (respectively)

it was a lovely morning in Sze.

with bright sunshine

we talked and walked and looked at the nativity

In the afternoon I took the car (and Mum) for a ride

up the hill to Dk.

but I wasn’t the only one with that spot in mind –

there was practically a continuous stream of cars both ways

plus hundreds parking on top

I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many cars there

I wonder if they know that we’ll be locked up in the near future

or just happened to chose the same place for the first sunny day in ages

Being at home is still absolutely enjoyable

miracles won’t cease

on Christmas

(I wrote this two days ago, I think, just forgot to post somehow)

So far this is an unexpectedly nice Christmas

my parents are so light-hearted

I found myself wanting to hang out in their company

a thing I can't remember wishing to

Politics come up a bit too much

Mum's furious

My demons, of course, show up from time to time

the disappointment 

the rejection

I wonder if they'll ever leave on their own accord

because casting them off is not a pheasible option

And spiritually I am nowhere near Christ(mas), either

not that it was a surprise