on a few pieces of the jigsaw falling to place

Today I went to an introductory interview
with S. Ó. for the psychodrama
a downright amazing business, as it turned out

At first she seemed rather reserved or even rigid
asking me for explanations whenever I wasn’t crystal clear

On a whim I told her the story
that my mother left for a month in England
when I was three months old
(the chance came before I was concieved
and in 1981 one did not hesitate much to take it)
I saw her face darken
she asked how I reacted when she returned
but no stories of that, unfortunately

Anyway, I went on with my life story
coming eventually to the divorce
she listened for a while
I started crying
and then all at once she said something like

You know, I have the feeling
that you are re-living that abandonment by your mother now
and that's what makes you feel so powerless
as an adult, one has lots of resources to use, a whole life
but a baby is utterly vulnerable
that was a trauma
for which you may well be angry at her
you would have needed your mother

My jaw dropped
and I asked what is there to do now
to which she replied much like
PálFeri in one of his lectures:
start loving and caring for that baby
tell her you will never abandon her

I was dead tired after that half an hour
got a coffee at a fancy open-air place
and told N. via chat
she wasn't nearly as impressed as I
which affected me surprisingly badly
but only for a short time

In the afternoon I met my brother
told him, too 
he replied with uncharacteristic empathy
and that felt nice

I also met A. in the evening
but didn’t tell her :-)

on dreams failing me (or I them)

So the days go by more or less fine

but I seem to have lost a few dreams again

much as I liked the idea of a South East Asian backpacking adventure

I decided to give it one more thought

when I realised that given the choice

I would always opt for mountain over sea

and cold/dry over hot/humid

but nowhere else would so little money

take me nearly so far

and two weeks of backpacking

sounds a lot less promising life-change-wise

than three months

then there was the idea of moving to Sz.

for October

but alas, that would make doing away with myself way too easy

so maybe I should abandon it

"for the time being"

then I finally called a gas man to fix the stovetop

where one of the "roses" wasn't working

and then (just as he foretold it, in fact)

while trying to fix it, he actually killed another one, too

leaving me with the need for a new one

which in turn made me realise

that I wished for a built-in stove

in my future kitchen

but I obviously can't start 

a complete renovation now

and won't replace the stove again

sometimes I'd like to sell the flat

and just spend the money travelling the world

without a single care for the ever-eluding "future"

(including those more abstract 

and even less attainable dreams

like a husband and kids)

Maybe I should look at it 

from the point of view that at least 

I had some new dreams to lose

on parallel work

I prefer this term to cowork, I think

because it expresses better

that everyone's doing their own job

much like tiny children play alongside one another

yet not together

Anyway, I had a great session of this today with N.

I was more productive than at any time recently

even translated a bit

and realised once again

my tragedy, that I usually don't allow myself 

the time required to get into the "translation zone"

where I am actually pretty close to flow

In the evening I listened to A. K.

lecturing (and telling many stories)

on resilience

it was very interesting

and I also enjoyed interpreting

to a nice elederly American couple

I learned from them how Robert Ford

stigmatized train travel and even walking (!)

as part of his pro-car campaign

and what a success it became...!

on singing

There were three choir rehearsals 

before tonight's concert 

of which I skipped the first two

but in just half an hour 

I could feel the difference on the last one

not to mention the fact that we sang

along the local symphonic orchestra

which made it a lot more fun to do

and to listen to :-)

Other than this, not much

The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins

(read by Phoebe Judge)

2048 till my wrist hurts

an experiment in intermittent fasting (16/8)

lots of procrastination 

some suicidal fantasies 

some dreams about trying to avoid stuff

(from having to play the bassoon

to getting raped)

Oh, yesterday I processed 

much of the tangible memories 

of the last 6ish years

(tickets &c.)

it was actually easier than I thought

on holiday, again

I get a lot of Balaton this summer, it seems

here I am in Keszthely again

since yesterday

Sz. took me to a group of foreigners (pensioners, in fact)

practicing Hungarian conversation

it was great fun, we hit it off splendidly 

though (yet again) I couldn't resist

marvelling at some amazing British accents

and worse, chatting a fair bit in my not so amazing Mancunain

(which nevertheless got me the kind compliment of 

"your English is exceptional")

anyway, I'll send them some online resources

and then they may or may not use them

We also talked a lot with Sz.

or to be honest, I did

and asked way less than I ought to have

but I saw their lovely new home

and garden

and the Cameroonian sheep next door (or rather garden)

and had a fine lunch made by her husband

in many aspects a life I shall never have

while in many others one very close to mine

We've also stood a bit in the water

shared a pizza

walked around quite a bit 

climbed to St Michael's chapel nearby

and met Sz's third cousin

a friendly architect who's currently working on a farm house in Pomáz

Then today I came to G & A & little E 

G wasn't at home till 9pm

but with the "girls" we walked around in the centre quite a bit

ate ice cream

and I was talked to a lot more than asked

which felt like the universe balancing out my previous performance

on a way too lazy weekend

Let's see:

I bought soda water from the manufacturer lady 

two doors down the street

made two kinds of salmon salads

got the next granola delivery from T.

wrote the introductory letter for the psichodrama ladies

had dinner tonight with Cs.

and that was it for the weekend, I guess

on the one I will never be

Somehow

recently

l started feeling that pain again

of every baby reminding me

of my never-to-be one(s)

Today at mass however

I’ve got the bright idea

to hand it over to Jesus

Who, unsurprisingly, 

didn’t deem it proper 

to take it away

right then and there

but heck, at least it wasn’t

a completely destructive startegy

on a new beginning

Today I finally got to visit P.

after a gap of nearly 7 months

and I was almost surprised to find 

that 2 hours were enough

to comfortably catch up

(mostly him with me, naturally 

but I too got a glimpse)

It felt like homecoming

like "fine-processing" recent events

that have already gone through

the rougher mills

but never became quite consistent

I got to choose my penance, too

"write that letter to the prison tonight"

I said without hesitation

and so by now it is done

right up to the post-ready envelope

on the end of the group therapy

I was quite disappointed
ever since finding out that it ends here

I really don’t feel much improved

despite what was said today 
(namely that each one of us present 

has found her mental resources

and grew since we last met)

Maybe I just had too high expectations

But there was one very interesting observation 

made directly to me:

that the verb halogat

feels as though I was leaving things to die

***

Meanwhile, a starting psychodrama group 

came across me today

and I realised that maybe

the fullness of time arrived for me 

to try it 

on a new circle of people

Interestingly 

since the divorce I've gotten into more new groups

than I have in a couple of years before:

the two choirs

Tiszavirág, the Faith & Light community

the therapy group

the “women's club” by the Calvinists

and now my workplace

(although naturally there are overlaps between them)

Lots of remarkable women seem to surround me

of a wide age range:

the conductresses and pastors’ wives

those fabulous girls in Tiszavirág

Zs. told me how glad she is these days

for the company of women

(esp. after having had a male for spiritual director

who was excellent but still a man)

I laughed a bit

probably because as a Catholic, I am socalised to men as priests 

but I seem to understand her actually

I can do with some more godly women in my life

I wonder if ever anyone will think of me in similar terms

Anyway, tonight we had a workplace meeting

where all the people working in different teams met

they of course all knew one another, except me

but I knew some

and somehow we all hit on pretty well

it reminded me of P.’s old saying:

“I've been to enough Church groups to be comfortable”

on letting myself to be touched

I am being moved

by more than one influence today

fortunately all going towards the right direction 

or more exactly towards God

I probably needed to eliminate 

that greatest of all distractions

to make myself at least a bit 

more aware, more sensitive 

to the still, small Voice

but I also needed this community 

(in which I am still 

on the edge of my comfort zone)

these young people with all sorts of disabilities and conditions

these very broken and very loving people

and their very young, kind and mature friends-and-helpers

and I needed the floor picture prayers

and the songs

and the smiles

and P.

on dreams

Another way-too-sweet dream last night

the odd thing is only 

that the most basic circumstances stayed in their real state[s?]

(just as last time, in my 

Most Embarrassing Dream Ever)

and thus a bit of controll still remained

(to my relief, if I'm honest...)

My mind isn't very subtle these days

my most vivid dreams seem to be

pretty direct projections

of some dormant or never-admitted stuff

on wanting to whine

My no. 1 channel for complaining

has dried up recently

(with two of the four participants leaving)

and I just start to notice

how unhesitatingly

I threw all my (real and imaginary)

woes, whines, pains and complaints

in their "face" 

in the digital space

in the hope of some crumbs of compassion 

I must have been quite difficult to bear

at least from time to time

on depression, part 4

Ever the naïve one

I hoped up to yesterday

that work will fall in that absolutely must category...

but alas, no

I’ve been procrastinating it for three days now

and now I only have 1.5 ahead

for the rest of the week(end) is booked

(plus maybe the evenings 

but by every chance I’ll be exhausted by then)

Wanda the fortune-teller fish was right:

I single-handedly fought myself into this hopeless mess 

on depression, part 3

(Disclaimer: I should’ve said earlier

but at least now I do—

I was never diagnosed with depression

so my use of the word is more in the common way

than in the professional sense)

Sometimes a little impetus (momentum?) goes a long way

yesterday I had to go to the work meeting

and once I was out

it was easier to manage everything that needed moving around

(shops, getting some stuff back from N.)

the key in these cases is 

never to let the idea of

“I'll do it later” creep in

because once I’m at home

only the next non-negotiable meeting 

will blow me out

At home I could then happily resume 

laziness extreme

(but only after frying a spinach frittata

washing and hanging out two loads of laundry 

and feeding all the plants)

continued from yesterday

Next, I start postponing my tasks.

I do this in good faith initially

really believing that in half a day or one

I will just be up to them

Tasks also have the tendency to call for each other

and so I can save a lot of energy with putting them off:

if I don’t go shopping now

I can stay in my pyjamas

and so on

I also tend to cancel appointments with friends

(added bonus: no hair washing needed)

claiming tiredness and/or a foul mood

meeting them might of course have made me feel slightly better

but life here is so not about vague future possibilities 

Later it becomes evident that 

I will not feel up to anything

in half a day or one

but by that time I will have made peace with this

and just wait

playing on my laptop or phone

(So far, I have not skipped

the night teeth brushing

or any work-related appointments 

these are the boundaries at present)

on the sneaky ways of depression

I start seeing this pattern

at one point I just lose interest in everything

plans, dreams and ideas

that felt life-giving a day before

(like travelling the world

or, at an earlier time, painting the flat)

lose their appeal completely 

things to do become huge, almost insurmountable 

I do only what I absolutely must

but it’s a bit like a water bed:

if I push one side of it hard

the rest becomes even more useless

I felt this in the morning today

all my resistance concentrated

in that lying flat on my back

that I can’t get up

because from the moment that I do

I am on the conveyor belt of 

everyone else’s day

carried along 

whether I like it or not

As to the pattern

I also ate about 250 g of chocolate

(from the sweeter types)

in a mere 36 hours

and didn’t even feel guilty

Also in these days

no progress seems real 

all I try to do for myself

is a pathetic effort

to keep up appearances 

most importantly that of holding up

but every perceived improvement is just superficial

and at the bottom nothing ever changes

(at least not for the better)

After a while

crying might set in

although technically that may not be a depression symptom

(I think)

but it usually leads to despair

Today I’ve been crying

pretty much all the way from Kt. to Szeged

on day 9

On Friday 

I was struck by a bout of depression

(the I-won't-do-nothing kind)

packing my meager stuff felt like some horrible, mounting task

in the end I just stuffed it all in my bag

B. went home on the motorbike

so there were only three of us left

and we set off around 11 or so

and travelled in the worst heat

all the while with some bottlenecks poking my ribs

I wasn't quite in my best mood on arrival 

but of course the baby was cute as a button

her parents chatting incessantly :-)

I helped G. with labelling and packing in a few bottles

Zs. cooked a nice mushroom stew for dinner

I finished Cover Her Face

and slept alone in the big house

with both doors wide open

I was a little bit afraid but managed well

read a ton and enjoyed the chilly draught

musing

I wonder if I needed

to be good at anything

good enough to be able to tell people

everyone seems to be very good at something:

wine, mushrooms, motorcycles, computers and computer games, memes, animations, cooking, cars, babies

while I, quite frankly, just can't say

a meaningful word to any of these

or to ever so many other topics

The same old not-enough-ness again

maybe I should just free myself of it

and decide that devil may care

But unfortunately today (again)

won't be the day to do this

I just feel useless amd miserable 

on days 7 & 8

Yesterday 

the morning was spent making and eating tarkedli 

(I only took part in the latter, to mu shame)

N. left for home

then a bit of siesta

and the rest of us set off to visit

the two medieval churches in the neighbourhood 

(we were pretty lucky with the second one

because the guy came back to open it once again

after the official hours)

afterwards I went to bed early

I slept badly the previous night

so I was dead tired

Today

we all woke late

so we started in fairly hot weather 

towards the open-air museum

complete with goats, buffallos and strudel

Zs. & F. bought a ton of cold-pressed oils

and pàlinka

on the way back

then we walked down to Ő., the nearest restaurant 

and had dödölle

then some downtime back home

and some firegazing to end the day with