on depression, part 3

(Disclaimer: I should’ve said earlier

but at least now I do—

I was never diagnosed with depression

so my use of the word is more in the common way

than in the professional sense)

Sometimes a little impetus (momentum?) goes a long way

yesterday I had to go to the work meeting

and once I was out

it was easier to manage everything that needed moving around

(shops, getting some stuff back from N.)

the key in these cases is 

never to let the idea of

“I'll do it later” creep in

because once I’m at home

only the next non-negotiable meeting 

will blow me out

At home I could then happily resume 

laziness extreme

(but only after frying a spinach frittata

washing and hanging out two loads of laundry 

and feeding all the plants)

continued from yesterday

Next, I start postponing my tasks.

I do this in good faith initially

really believing that in half a day or one

I will just be up to them

Tasks also have the tendency to call for each other

and so I can save a lot of energy with putting them off:

if I don’t go shopping now

I can stay in my pyjamas

and so on

I also tend to cancel appointments with friends

(added bonus: no hair washing needed)

claiming tiredness and/or a foul mood

meeting them might of course have made me feel slightly better

but life here is so not about vague future possibilities 

Later it becomes evident that 

I will not feel up to anything

in half a day or one

but by that time I will have made peace with this

and just wait

playing on my laptop or phone

(So far, I have not skipped

the night teeth brushing

or any work-related appointments 

these are the boundaries at present)

on the sneaky ways of depression

I start seeing this pattern

at one point I just lose interest in everything

plans, dreams and ideas

that felt life-giving a day before

(like travelling the world

or, at an earlier time, painting the flat)

lose their appeal completely 

things to do become huge, almost insurmountable 

I do only what I absolutely must

but it’s a bit like a water bed:

if I push one side of it hard

the rest becomes even more useless

I felt this in the morning today

all my resistance concentrated

in that lying flat on my back

that I can’t get up

because from the moment that I do

I am on the conveyor belt of 

everyone else’s day

carried along 

whether I like it or not

As to the pattern

I also ate about 250 g of chocolate

(from the sweeter types)

in a mere 36 hours

and didn’t even feel guilty

Also in these days

no progress seems real 

all I try to do for myself

is a pathetic effort

to keep up appearances 

most importantly that of holding up

but every perceived improvement is just superficial

and at the bottom nothing ever changes

(at least not for the better)

After a while

crying might set in

although technically that may not be a depression symptom

(I think)

but it usually leads to despair

Today I’ve been crying

pretty much all the way from Kt. to Szeged

on day 9

On Friday 

I was struck by a bout of depression

(the I-won't-do-nothing kind)

packing my meager stuff felt like some horrible, mounting task

in the end I just stuffed it all in my bag

B. went home on the motorbike

so there were only three of us left

and we set off around 11 or so

and travelled in the worst heat

all the while with some bottlenecks poking my ribs

I wasn't quite in my best mood on arrival 

but of course the baby was cute as a button

her parents chatting incessantly :-)

I helped G. with labelling and packing in a few bottles

Zs. cooked a nice mushroom stew for dinner

I finished Cover Her Face

and slept alone in the big house

with both doors wide open

I was a little bit afraid but managed well

read a ton and enjoyed the chilly draught

musing

I wonder if I needed

to be good at anything

good enough to be able to tell people

everyone seems to be very good at something:

wine, mushrooms, motorcycles, computers and computer games, memes, animations, cooking, cars, babies

while I, quite frankly, just can't say

a meaningful word to any of these

or to ever so many other topics

The same old not-enough-ness again

maybe I should just free myself of it

and decide that devil may care

But unfortunately today (again)

won't be the day to do this

I just feel useless amd miserable 

on days 7 & 8

Yesterday 

the morning was spent making and eating tarkedli 

(I only took part in the latter, to mu shame)

N. left for home

then a bit of siesta

and the rest of us set off to visit

the two medieval churches in the neighbourhood 

(we were pretty lucky with the second one

because the guy came back to open it once again

after the official hours)

afterwards I went to bed early

I slept badly the previous night

so I was dead tired

Today

we all woke late

so we started in fairly hot weather 

towards the open-air museum

complete with goats, buffallos and strudel

Zs. & F. bought a ton of cold-pressed oils

and pàlinka

on the way back

then we walked down to Ő., the nearest restaurant 

and had dödölle

then some downtime back home

and some firegazing to end the day with

on day 6

In the morning we went for a short walk:

piglets, mushrooms, cheese, milk, beer

got back in horrible heat

had a long siesta

with reading, later board games

I got to the end of the backpacker book

and decided to start in South East Asia

which looks both 

very interesting and quite cheap

we sang in the evening

and continued the heartfelt conversation

(a.k.a. breakup)

with B.

on day 5

(Last night's post was lost

due to the crashing of the Blogger app

sorry)

Today we rode (by car) to a lake

where I haven't been before

it's a beautiful place

though I had no inclination to bathe 

I had a good lángos and coffee

made by a nice older couple

Back here we visited the piglets

they are really cute still :-)

Zs. cooked us a chicken soup in bogrács

and afterwards grilled chicken

I read quite a bit from

Hogyan menjünk világgá

an amazingly inspiring book indeed

we gazed at the fire for quite a while

and had a heartfelt conversation with B.

at long last

on day 3

So it has been a pretty deficient day this far

heavy rain all night and lighter all day

a lot of "dead time" before leaving

then some waiting in the rain for the

planned cellar to open

some tasting 

because you can't not

after the second cup I just started crying

and feel like that ever since

I am inadequate 

don't know a thing about wine and 

am not even interested

I am not interested in anything, really

and definitely not good at anything

how did I even get here

a stranger in my own life

***

something has gone awry in my nervous system

and I can't see how to reverse it

I had way too high an expectation

with thinking that I may have a whole week in which to feel good

when I so obviously am not ready for it

and don't deserve it either

UPDATE:

This. Is. It.

on day 2

Tipsy was the word I was looking for yesterday

(although according to the others I was pretty drunk)

I certainly slept till half past ten today

Today the weather was quite cloudy

with mild rains and one heavier

I posted the most important card

we had lunch on the shore

smelled the roses in the rose garden

had a nice coffee

laughed out loud a few times

made quite a show of being 

"more F. than F."

dipped in the pool of the apartment

while sipping spritzer

on day 1

(slightly drunk

-- and how odd that I know no synonim

for that in English 

while I'd have quite a few in Hungarian)

The journey was fine

only a bit of a jam on M0

a nice chat in the car

o.k. weather

The apartment is lovely

the lake is cold for my liking

the lángos was expensive

and I still can't eat a whole

the view from the garden is amazing

and there are bats

The proprietor is a very interesting man

he spent three years in South Korea

and is full of stories of every kind

(the place is Rf., the northern bank of Balaton)

on the way

In a few minutes 

we are off for an 11-day holiday

pretty cool, considering my financial state

I'm looking forward to Balaton

even without being much of a bathing type

it never fails to move me

(I once heard that the most memorable holidays

are the ones where awe is felt)

The same with open fire

And of course I am looking forward

to the greens of Őrség

And meeting my future goddaughter

for the first time

babies inspire awe in me, too

And hopefully there will be

some meaningful conversations

and lighthearted games

and nice wines

and that best kind of tiredness

after a long walk

Meanwhile, I also have

my reservations and fears 

naturally

sulking

Party time again

and on my part, missed again

With the last two evenings 

spent playing

with P. and M.

at the other end of the city

(and great evenings they were, 

I'm so glad they invited me over

after about three years of barely meeting)

I was't very keen on one more night out anyway

but then it turned out to be a game 

I heartily dislike

(as everyone knows)

so it was pretty much decided

still

I guess, in my heart of hearts 

I hoped for just a single line from anybody

asking whether I will join them

*sigh*

on maturing

Yesterday I talked to Zs. over the phone

my old friend

now separated from her (abusive) husband

with their three kids

she's been in this tough journey for about two and a half years now

and she really is finding herself

and God

(and herself in Him)

finally

She bore witness really powerfully to me

I can only wish that it bears fruit in me, too

on the long run

S. K. called today

I told her that I am a lot better

at least on a superficial level

when I despair, it isn't much better than earlier

but maybe I despair a bit less often

she was happy to hear these

and in fact so was I to report

on the sunny Széchenyi square 

in the middle of some productivity spree

but ultimately I still feel like 

an utter failure 

one that has lost her one and only chance

and I start feeling also

that on the long run I will either

somehow get liberated from this notion or

have to kill myself

because spending decades like this

is just not worth it

Oh, and one more strange dream

come to think of it:

I was about to get stoned to death

but somehow got off 

scrambled into some nearby house 

and promptly told the people there

to shoot me

for that is much preferable 

to being stoned 

but they didn't 

on the balcony garden

Yesterday* I finally bought the plants

and set up the vertical part of

the balcony garden

not quite according to plan

since the original idea was 

COLOUR

which then manifested mostly in greens

(though lots of different ones certainly)

somehow I got caught up in herbs

(and still have no cilantro!)

I wonder how long it will last

because this felt-like material can't hold any water

so it'll need lots of watering

while it's this hot

I also took the time and effort

to reply to my prison pen pal

on the new (and slightly frustrating)

hanging table

it was a very warm but bearable evening

in a bikini top

(friends on chat told me previously that

the balcony counts rather

to my flat than to the street)

and there was a mild wind

just enough to keep mosquitos at a bay

(10/07 -- any idea how to prevent re-dating after correction in the text?)

on a day of uselessness

All I've done today

was a bit of balcony gardening

giving away the older orchid

and chatting about vaginal ultrasounds

no work, no volunteering

no reading, no walking

no creating

I joined a body awareness exercise, too

lead via Zoom

organised by the British Jesuits

I didn't get to the end of it

but at least I came to realise

once again

that I am miles removed from my body

weeks go by without me noticing its more subtle signals

I am missing out on my innate wisdom

(or maybe I lack innate wisdom?)

on the joys of yesterday

Still no success with the web-based Blogger

too bad

Anyway, yesterday I've got the first letter from prison

I was just about to let go of the whole thing

since more than a month has elapsed

since I wrote first

but alas, a reply came

with lots of questions

and some bitterness over being "transferred"

from one penpal to another

written by a curiously well-trained hand

(if only I knew anything about graphology!)

Also yesterday

I helped an unknown girl

piercing three tins

to turn them into ashtrays for her neighbourhood 

we met over the internet

she wished to borrow nails for the purpose

and I offered her some

(though eventually we did it with my

world-class S-hook collection

my 2 nails being too small for her hooks)

it was a nice ten minutes

we laughed a bit together

and she even sent me a few pictures of the result

At night there was CLC

at the newly renovated room

which has hard floor now, not the soft carpet

and looks pristine but very sterile, too

but more important is

that six of us managed to gather

including K. from Germany

via video call

and that is one great remnant of the

pandemic creativity 

on changing moods

By the time I got home

from signing some more papers in Mh.

(and skipping the bath 

because there came a huge rain 

right when the bus rolled in

and the temperature dropped beneath bath levels)

I lost all my energy once again

I feel the shame again

over my messed up life

my procrastination 

my laziness

my not-enough-ness

why

for how long still

why

----

I don't know why I didn't put it here at first

but I know what hit me

the news that

a good friend started working at the child protection service

sent me whirling back to a time

when I thought life made sense

and I will eventually find purpose 

in motherhood

through adoption

on having a grown-up job

On Wednesday I signed my contract

with G. from the Reformed university chaplaincy 

(not it that capacity though)

for setting up a webshop for fairly traded stuff

and some marketing

I was given a very handy list of tasks

and a free hand beyond that

it's almost exciting 

certainly a nice feeling

to have a job that's a cause as well

and one with some trust and responsibility involved

It also raises the question of remote work

when, where, how

so as I don't get totally sidetracked

And also allows me to turn that idea into reality

Meanwhile 

the relationship with B. is still on

with all its joys

but I still can't see myself as half of a couple

and that's pretty troubling