on balance coming back

I’ve been treating myself to a lot of nice stuff these days:

I worked quite a bit (that’s very good)

got a stack of books 

(one for myself – on running, OMG!

one for M. for Christmas, 

this for me, too, 

and, well, this 

(but that’s for Christmas, I stored it away unopened))

found a great new crime series

(new to me, obviously)

took all the curtains to the dry cleaner

bought a mic for the laptop (not much of a quality though)

sent a card to L.

and lots of The Good Thief* :-D to various prisons

Now I should be reading, though

because I still have a bit of a chance to accomplish

The Big Goal (see my progress if you are a member)

* Seriuosly, how do they know that they were thieves?

Shouldn’t they rather be called something more "generally evil"?

on talking online

Actually it can be nice and good and even meaningful, I find

Last week our Faith & Light meeting on Zoom

went a lot better than any of us expected

someone said it recharged her

and that was my feeling exactly

Tonight we had CLC on LetsMeet

a bit of prayer, sharing

and a metaphor-meditation

"Mercy is like..."

and we were moved

I am looking forward to meeting them 

again next week

on screens vs. books

My sad present reality is

that as long as there is 

a shiny screen 

within reach

I

won't 

read

The other day I sat out 

to read on a sunny bench

and left my phone behind

but the days are foggy now

and masks are oblogatory in every public space

so I guess for a time I just won't read

on heading downwards, part 2

Other not good signs include

being wide awake at 2:50am

and having bad memories coming back

the moment I put down the phone

on selfishness

This was a good day again

we had a long walk with A.

ran errands

had a coffee to go

and pushed MA around

she told me about an initiative to help out 

the local COVID ICU

with whatever they need

(such as disposable socks!)

and then at home I read another friend’s letter 

on a mailing list with the same idea

and suddenly I felt so ashamed

that I never even thought of this

(though I did wonder why 

we don’t clap any more

now that the case is so much worse 

than it used to be in spring)

I feel like I am closing in

the world and its state 

permeates my mind less and less

Meanwhile, K. is about to leave her husband

for another man

totally convinced that he is The One

and I am utterly powerless

and have no idea what to say even

on heading downwards

Well, not wanting to wash my hair is never a good sign

neither is eating Nutella by spoonfuls 

I’ve been sorely missing people for a few days

trying to arrange this or that, without much result

but that’s gone

(fortunately A. called me yesterday to meet up tomorrow

so that’s probably gonna happen)

 

and I didn’t do anything since 11 today

for a minute cooking seemed like a good idea

but not long enough to start peeling the pumpkin

I might get into the bath now

and go on with my latest true crime podcast

on Fb

A while ago, while rearranging the About page

I told Fb to leave me alone with anything about Á.

but out of caution I kept spending only the absolutely necessary time on it

today, however, I scrolled down on my news feed

and of course ran in into his new profile picture

(added only 8 hours ago)

and the very rare occasion has happened:

I felt physical pain

the tightening in my throat and chest

he seems happy

thriving even

(as of course everyone does on their profile picture)

and I can’t decide whether I hate him more

or myself for feeling these

on withdrawal

A month or so ago 

I started weaning myself off the antidepressant

very cautiosly, cutting just one sixth of the dose

now I am down to two third

and I wonder if I can really feel it

or if it's just placebo withdrawal

or simply some generic pain before bed

trying to avoid

looking the inner emptiness in the eye

horror vacui

(Meanwhile, I am having

The Most Embarrassing 

dreams of my life

seriously, I won't be able to 

look some people in the eye 

if it goes on much longer)

on being stuck

Today was great

I went to church in the morning

Fr. I. spoke good

then I met É. at a terrace

had an excellent mango cake

and a good conversation

and together walked to Alsóváros

she to the cemetery and 

I to MA's baptism

which was a very low-key event

barely any formality but lots of love

I ran away from all the happy families in the end

(though I only realise it now)

went to visit T. and the kids with two books

and stayed for lunch and coffee

and eventually walked home

Where I went on with the perfect Sunday afternoon

read and listened and 

went on with rearranging the furniture 

(good fun but no sensible result)

had a long bath

but something struck me in one of the audio books

nothing new to anyone, yet it struck me

that the first phase of grief, _denial_ means

that one doesn't want to go on 

with the new state of things

(rather than literally not believing 

as I was told earlier)

and that's trouble

because I can definitely see myself 

in that category 

Apparently (I mean in my life,

the book went on in a different direction)

it doesn't have much to do with my 

overall state of mind & life 

I can happily build on quicksand

and pretend that all's well

in fact I became so apt at it

that I myself started to believe it

but there is nothing beneath

just a gap

on having time

Work is stagnating still

and I don’t have to (or indeed: cannot) complain about 

my need and inability to tidy up

and so I am actually on the verge of boredom

not that there was nothing to do 

but procrastinating is easier

Anyway, to be able to have guests is great

F. came over for coffee today

and we had a light board game party on Sunday, too

(with three people who had no or very little contact so far)

And I also very much enjoy 

the freedom to put down things (!) whenever I need to

(since there are clear horizontal spaces available)

and the newly (re)gained vision-sharpness

for anything out of place

Meanwhile, the two big heaters had to be swapped 

for non-leaking ones (second-hand, of course)

which cost half my savings

but brought on a nice warm flat

on greater joys

M. came to visit me yesterday

all the way down from Buda

the weather was terrible

and he was pretty determined to avoid closed spaces

so we walked around a lot (about 7 km, Google tells me)

and ate and drank at various terraces

and he brought along Omerta as a present

and altogether it was the best way possible to spend that gloomy-wet day

Meanwhile, to help the gas man 

getting to my non-working heater (<convector> :D)

I eliminated the heap of stuff from in front of it

along with the heap of dust covering it

and eventually I 

did 

gain 

momentum 

and so by the time of M’s arrival at noon yesterday

I tidied up and hoovered the room properly

after 7+ months

or an eternity, as it felt

it still feels fresh, amazing, and kind of unreal

on little joys

Today I went out

in lovely sunshine (a T-shirt proved to be enough)

walked in the flood area forest and then on the dam

until my shoes gave me blisters

(which wasn’t very far, unfortunately)

I even touched the Tisza with my palms

a sensation that delights me ever since I was a child

I also talked on the phone to A.

turns out he had covid a few weeks ago

and was asked about all his contacts up until the point 

where he told them that he was a teacher

there it ended

not a single mention about his possible school contacts

another example of how badly this whole thing is handled here

F. was over for coffee

we sat on the balcony

I’ve got a proper, paper letter 

from my high school literature teacher

Tomorrow we’ll go home with the whole bunch

my father will be made an "honorary citizen"

on mood swings

It’s nowhere near the original meaning, probably
but for lack of a better word I’ll call it mood swing

More times than I care to count

I find myself really bracing myself for tidying up

even imagining the resulting peace and comfort

but every single time when I could actually start doing it

I lose momentum, interest, willpower

and just do nothing

I would very much like to read about this

whether others have encountered (and maybe overcome) similar resistance

where it may be rooted

but I have no idea how to even start googling it

on quarantine

Man proposes, God disposes.

Having planned about five events for the coming days,

I was being quarantined today

through contact tracing

Unfortunately I did not connect the dots in the morning:

M. texted me saying that our mutual friend A. was diagnosed covid positive

but I totally forgot that I spent half of Saturday with her

(after all, she's been living in Kecskemét for years)

and so I went and donated blood today

which will now be disposed of

Fortunately the isolation will only last till next Wednesday 

since the period counts from the day of the contact

but still, the moment that I knew I should not leave the flat,

I started walking round and round

like the lion in that tiny cage

back in my childhood zoo

9 years

and no reason to celebrate.

I can’t really recall how I felt nine years ago

but all in all I was joy- and hopeful

feeling that my life was going in the right direction

looking forward to having a couple of children

and later growing old with Á.

Well, we all know how this story ended.

Today was o.k.

I mostly managed to divert my attention

went to mass in the evening

and thought how fitting it were

to kill myself tonight

but alas, I am not desperate (or just plain brave) enough

Meanwhile, I stumbled upon king David’s

pretty odd behaviour

and it left me wondering

whether I should try and carry on living 

as he did

since “the child’s dead, and I can’t bring it back”

David seems cool with it

but to me, well, easier said than done

on joys and burdens

A lot has happened since I last wrote here

I spent a good two days (and nights) and A., P., M. & J.’s house
helping out A. with her latest dietary requirements
and cleaning her kitchen :-)
it was good both in terms of fun and friendship
and also horribly tiring
their kids would kill me in about two days

I also had the vague feeling that if not the kids
then the mess would kill me in a week
but alas, I still haven’t got much further with my own room
so there must be some double standards at work here

On Friday I went to this amazing concert

and had the season’s first cup of mulled wine afterwards

(likely fortified with some spirit :-))

On Saturday I spent the forenoon (thanks, Miss Austen!)

with our and the other CLC group 

Fr. Gy. proved to be a lovely person

we had an amazing potluck lunch

and the whole thing was just totally effortless and light-hearted

I felt at home again

On Sunday B. took me for a ride

we had a pizza in Sándorfalva

good fun as always

Yesterday I cooked some quince cheese

"some" meaning that pretty much all my bowls are full of it now :-D

and I have a hard time figuring out how and where to dry them out completely

once I removed them from the bowls

I also made the decision to join a small group 

at the "start-up" fellowship that gives my job 

it will probably be a place to give back

since the members (with the exception of the leader)

are more "beginners" in faith

(we are somehow all single women, too

which somehow makes me a bit uncomfortable)

Another joy is the Online Film Club

run by N. from York

and our new routine in which we watch the film Monday night

with J. on her (well, N.’s) large screen TV 

Among the burdens, I’ve got into a pretty difficult place of work

having to answer dozens of questions by the lawyer 

about the website that is still not finished

And then there is the room

with the heaps of (off and in-season) clothes

and other heaps of stuff

buried in dust

and the fact that I am going to sleep later and later every night

despite declaring my intention to do it earlier

on loyalty, imaginary or real

I told G. & A. way back that I won’t attend the harvest this year 
yet when they told me a few days ago that they invited Á.
I felt very much hurt

In my mind
the inevitable is happening
people get over their initial indignation
shrug and say "well, he must have had his reasons"
make peace and then friends with A.
and in the end he’ll have it all
and I’ll have nothing

I guess it’s not exactly realistic
nevertheless this is how I feel
and in theory that’s neither good nor bad

but in fact it is rather bad
for it makes me see painfully clearly
how very, very far I have come
from the generosity I truly felt
towards him just a year and a half ago

I am moving backwards
not only in terms of the external stuff
but even as a person

I try not to imagine where I will end up

on aging, part 2

When I was young, I never understood

why people would fret over their age

then as I grew older

I drifted farther and farther

from where I ought to have been

and with that, the fretting started

Around this time before turning 30

I remember posting "emotional turmoil" on Fb

to which P. replyed with interest

and so we sat down in an outdoor cafe next to Nyugati

and I wept about certainly not bearing a child by the age of 30

(he was remarkably uncompassionate 

which hurt deeply)

at that time I held that the latest age

for having a first child

is 35

(the example being my uncle & aunt

who were about 40 

when my nephew was born)

Well, that should be over by now

but it isn't

instead, I took another step backwards 

with the divorce

on aging

Maybe because my birthday was so unusual this year
I was more aware of my .5th
and now that that too is over
I started agonising on shortly becoming 40
something totally unimaginable

Of course it shall be just as it always is:
nothing changes from one day to the next

I will get used to ticking one box lower in all those web-forms
to being in a whole different decade than most of my friends
and in the same one with many others
who always seemed so put together
who have kids in high school

comparison is the thief of joy
but how am I to fend it off
should I live on a desert island?

(What makes this post especially tragic is that I kept planning
a proper joyous one
with all the delights of the weekend...)

on constantly monitoring myself

I’m not sure how helpful it is
but I find myself taking my mental temperature
many times a day

feeling worse is familiar ground
this dread of sleep that led me here now
that envy toward my friends having their babies
that deep, deep sadness

feeling better, on the other hand, fills me with some vague remorse
because it means that I am becoming unfaithful
(to what exactly? my ideals?)

and the latest: I don’t want to eventually just "feel good"
because the only way I can imagine that 
is by burying whatever pains me now
and that’s unworthy of the cause

and who knows whether when I feel better now
I am not doing exactly that

but who will tell me if and when I am actually healing?
how will I know?