on fantasies

I may have written about this

but maybe I haven't

It's about the fact that I am completely unable

to imagine myself in a romantic relationship 

I can't say that it surprises me

I never had much of a vision or such of myself (say, "in x years I shall be...")

but it is a blank space now

I can't imagine myself with a boyfriend in any situation 

(which was, of course, one of the reasons

for my inadequacy 

when being in public with B.)

Surprisingly, there are one or two pictures in my head

on which I have a child

though for the last days few days it has been

"a mother? Me?! Who am I kidding?!"

again

on the doomstown visits

I wondered here earlier

that these visits later look like

something quite removed from me

it was the same this morning

with sunshine pouring into the room and on my face

like a bad dream

(with some puffy eyes, oh well)

however

yesterday I was more aware of the process

and as tempting as it is to say that 

I have no control/responsibility over my mind these time

it may not be true after all

because I was fully myself when I first thought/felt what I did

and for a long time afterwards

so who can tell where that "line" is

or indeed if it exists

If someone had told me two years ago

that I'll be this poorly now...

I wanted to say I'd have killed myself but of course I wouldn't 

Just like I don't do it know

when I have a pretty good idea on what's ahead

I think it’s about to time to let go.

If I couldn’t help myself in 2.5 years

or in fact, couldn’t even determine to want to help

than the logical next step is to give up

This won’t mean suicide, of course

nor, probably, any radical difference compared to my days so far

but I want to stop struggling finally

because it is just pointless

and seems to make things worse than they may be

should I not care at all 

I guess I am still sure 

God could take my misery away 

but I start having serious doubts 

whether He wants to

There were those times

when every time I left the house

I felt like the chased game

looking left and right 

in the fear of seeing Á (& A) anywhere

Not very good for stress levels

Then it eased a lot

Time, the great healer, and similar bullshit

And then now it’s back

So probably it wasn’t so much me getting better

than the quaranteen times 

when there was almost no chance

to run into anyone on the street 

* sigh *

Maybe I should start working out ways

to make his/their life a living hell

and then they’d move away...

(Maybe this was inspired by today’s short story)

Maybe

I wasn’t exactly right the last time.

Maybe I just don’t take my feelings seriously.

Maybe it started at home—I remember so many times

when my feelings or opinions were brushed off

and maybe now it rubs off on me:

I am unable to validate being sad and hopeless

after two years

nor feeling hurt and forsaken

though I was indeed hurt and forsaken

Why do I keep gaslighting myself

Meanwhile, I am also so grateful

for those few adults that did take me seriously

and listened to me 

(mostly whining, tbh

but than isn’t that such an integral part of teenagerhood?)

mainly men: my high school class master, a Franciscan,

my bassoon teacher,

my university chaplains

You have no idea how much I needed those conversations (weeps)

Sometimes

I still feel that it would have been better

to stop living in March 2019

I am, of course, o.k. with living 

from one day to another

but it doesn't lead anywhere

there is nothing

to get up for in the morning

to be enthusiastic about 

to love more than I do my comfort

There is only this shame and sadness and dispair

that nothing can possibly come

that could make this worthwhile

Meanwhile, writing these down 

doesn't make me feel better

if anything, rather worse

and yet, my need for complaining

gets the better of me again and again

I had yet another in-love dream last night

with yet another unwisely chosen guy

apparently no male aquaintance of mine is safe :-D

(he was the 5th if I remember well)

I also met A. on a playground today

I'm so glad that we are both this committed to meet whenever we can

I learn a lot from and through her

My digestion is still as bad as can be

(meaning virtually nonexistent)

but at least today I bought some fruit & veg

and a summer duvet

on an absolutely uplifting Zoom birthday party

As it is, naturally my whole high school class is turning 40 this year 

(starting last autumn)

and the spouses make the most of it

Last week I sent a letter to B. in Pomáz

he’s supposed to get one for each of the 40 days leading up to his birthday

And now I joined a Zoom party 

for N. in Landau

first we were gathered in smaller groups in a breakout room with her

scheduled so that those who knew each other came for the same half an hour

and then we got all together for a presentation from heaps of pictures

narrateted by her husband, N.

with a lot of humour and even more apparent love

it really was a privilege even to listen to him

(of course I was a bit jealous, too

but not much)

on the dragging days

I feel as though time were slowing down 

nothing distinguishes the days

one flows into the other

and worst of all, they are gone without any trace

like some gel-like substance

in which things are visible but hard to grasp

the resistance is hundredfold

Babies are born in my circles

and I don’t feel much

neither pain nor joy

Come to think of it, the whole feeling-business is 

somewhat dampened these days

I can’t really remember the last time I had some strong feeling

(but it was probably something not-very-nice 

so I better not search too much)

I remember reading somewhere that 

one indicator of being adoption-ready

was that one can speak without crying

of not being able to give birth

I think I got to this point a day after my diagnosis

But I still cry whenever I think 

(let alone speak...)

of the divorce

I guess it's telling

that while writing about the good events of last week

I altogether forgot about

receiving the eligibility certificate for adoption...

I am nowhere nearer to the decision than I've been in January

if anything, probably even farther

But it's valid for 3+1 years so I guess I don't have to rush the discernment

(if only I had some clue where to start...)

By the time I finished the previous post in the afternoon

I started feeling low again

but I cut it off by joining N., J., B., Zs. & F. in the Liget

for a nice talk (N. brought along converation starter questions)

and then B. came over to remake my laptop

which of course didn't quite happen

but at least it has been started 

he left eventually before 10

and then I remembered F. telling some birdwatcher story about Á.

and of course, that was the end of the pleasant time

I wonder if this hatred 

that turns from him & her to myself in minutes every time

will ever leave me

it’s been awhile

I feel somehow strange

that "episode" a week ago left its mark on my mood for a long time

it may have been because

it felt like letting myself down

another disappointment –

back when I strolled in to the psychiatry 

more than 1.5 years ago

I really didn’t expect the connection to last this long

I’ve been looking upon these as a temporary state ever since

to be ignored when I feel better and endured when worse

but maybe this isn’t the right strategy after all

maybe I should aim to learn to navigate them

but for that I would have first 

to accept

that this too shall last

and that feels just too much

Good things happened this week, too, of course

another massage session

a present and a heartfelt letter from my brother via snail mail

a good walk & talk with N.

I’ve got vaccinated and survived (well, this far – AZ)

I had a reading date with myself

on a park bench, with coffee & cakes

and most importantly without my phone

the sun shone a lot

I cleaned up that ugly back corner of the loo

(pretty effortlessly, really, as aunt K. said:

"one day you'll just do it without sweat")

And yet I feel subdued

on Easter alone

This has certainly been

my most pathetic Easter so far*

I was doing o.k. till Good Friday evening

but there it all vanished

and I spent Saturday as well as today mostly playing on my phone

feeling varying levels of self-loathing and -pity

and horrible loneliness

(One highlight there was though

in being alone:

I sang along the Exultet loudly

with the bishop (on YT)

while lying in the bathtub...)

Then this afternoon F. called to inquire after a possible coffee meet-up

and while I was about to change from my pyjamas in his honour,

A. called also, just to chat a bit

and I couldn't help but laugh with her

(besides admiring their parental creativity)

These people save my life again and again

because the times when I needed people most

are also the ones when I am the least able to reach out

just like today

(although I made an effort today 

and arranged the time for our walk with N. tomorrow

about which we've talked a few days ago

but made no solid plan)

* I tried to remember Easters in Cluj but couldn't 

on my excursions to doomstown

Sometimes now

I can look back at these "episodes" and say

"well, my mind wandered off for a walk

to some dark and scary place"

which doesn't help a bit while I am there

but at least makes some sense of it afterwards 

I wonder what happened if

instead of actively ignoring this mild depression

I would try and learn to navigate it

(too bad that would need require energy and interest to invest in :-7)

on sadfishing

Unsurprisingly

not even the cards could solve my life's troubles

so last night I found myself once again

crying myself to sleep

And now I've been up for almost 2 hours

and even went out to the pharmacy 

surely now I am allowed back to bed?

(Although it may be a good idea to 

first put away the food I didn't prepare

in the kitchen)

Getting up is still difficult. 

Bodily, too: for some reason I keep having this <izomláz> almost every morning

regardless of my movements the day before

But mostly mentally

nothing to get up for

nothing worth the bother

I am reminded of P. Arrupe's(?) timeless words:

Nothing is more practical than

finding God, than

falling in Love

in a quite absolute, final way.

What you are in love with,

what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.

It will decide

what will get you out of bed in the morning,

what you do with your evenings,

how you spend your weekends,

what you read, whom you know,

what breaks your heart,

and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in Love, stay in love,

and it will decide everything.

on doubts & assurances

Two more cards came today

(and still at least one on its way)

it's so good to have some hope 

in front of the box every day

I went to my boss's home this afternoon

to have seder supper together

lead via Zoom by another pastor

it was a really nice time

we prepared the table together

and followed the "baptized" liturgy

I was actually glad to be there for once

instead of being at church

the Mass of The Last Supper is still

"too much like a mass"

this form brought it closer to me

and there was also a strong sense of community

Meanwhile tonight something came back

from what we talked about with the psychologist on Monday

about the fact that I can't imagine myself in a romantic relationship

(while now and then I can see myself as a mother, and it surprises me

because I always thought of these 

as marriage being the prerequisite 

for motherhood)

At first I thought it's because men come in all shapes and sizes

and so my mind has a hard time imagining one

but then I had been in romantic relationships

so I should have some idea

(and I haven't had a child so that's "unprecedented")

Later she said that it may be

that as a woman, I suffered such a break

that it blocks me 

while it isn't so much connected to my feelings about motherhood

It's an interesting theory, I can accept it easily

the question is what is there to do

(if anything can be done)

The massage must have been even more of a succes

than I thought

because I fell asleep earlier yesterday than I had for a long time (11:30ish) 

and (after a short pause around 8

which seemed too early to be up on a Sunday) 

went on sleeping till 11:30

But this also means that I am not sleepy tonight

especially since I am harbouring ambivalent feelings about the book club

for a time today I felt that I really should not force my choice of books on all these people

most of whom hated this second one vehemently

this impression was later somewhat mitigated

by a few remarks on how good it is to have the book club

but I am still unsure

I feel that this list provides a good starting point

and if it were just about recommendations

then we couldn't ever decide what to read

but it may well be just plain stunbornness on my part

clinging to my idea

(then again, isn't that the natural way when one has an idea?)

and then, perhaps even more importantly

I have to once again face the fact

that I am hopelessly inadequate in literature

which is still a shame

even if not a novelty

however, I guess I'd better make peace with it

(with myself, to expand the issue a bit(?!) more)

on a much better (socially distant) birthday

I had breakfast with N. on Thursday 

on a bus stop bench, nice and safe

(he had no idea about my birthday

which was cause for a good laugh)

 

I nearly fell asleep on adoration

then gave my other breakfast cookie/cake

to a beggar man in front of the church

then we went to watch buffalloes (and water birds and tiny water creatures :-))

with A. & the three kids

it was good fun

the sun was shining brightly all day long

In two days, not counting the aforementioned breakfast,

I’ve got cake from five people (the last two meant 1 cake, fortunately)

and at least a dozen cards and letters and emails from Tuesday on

so yes, voicing my needs seem to pay off

And today I even had a massage

to ease my pain of touchlessness